Chapter 12 - Buried In Your Subconscious

His fingers moved as slowly and precisely as they possibly could, every bone and muscle in his body focused on their movement. Gentle strikes of his blue magic flowed out of his fingertips, slowly threading back together the torn red fabric.

He tried to ignore his thudding heartbeat, the lump in his throat that made it hard to breath and the overwhelming panic that vibrated through his nerves. It was actually quite stupid, if you really think about it, there was no rational way to explain his exagarated reaction. It was just a… what?

A piece of fabric? A cheap charm he could probably easily replace? Anything he wanted was just a portal away.

No.

It was more than that. He couldn't explain how or why, but it wasn't just a charm.

One of his fingers flinched from the effort, and his magic's flow jolted, causing the small threads to tangle slightly. "Damn it!" he shouted and threw the charm across the room.

Magnus was sitting on the floor in his walk-in closet, he kicked the lamp that was on the floor next to him, and as it smashed to pieces, the light from its bulb went off. He leaned back against the wall behind him, and shut his eyes.

He could see Alec.

They were standing in a battle field, bombs and sirens going off, demons were flying overhead causing mayhem, screams and panic all around them. And yet, Alec was looking at him as if they were the only two people in the world. As if there was nothing else that mattered in that moment. Their home country was under attack, but all he cared about was the warlock standing in front of him, seeking revenge.

He could see Alec.

Who came to Edom to save him, the consequences be damned. He put himself in harm's way just to make sure the warlock didn't spend eternity in hell.

But then he could also see a different Alec.

The one who locked him up and tortured him, the one who used him for his magic and then abandoned him, threw him away and left him with nothing.

It was all mixing together, intertwining to a point where he could no longer differentiate between them. There was too much noise, and he could no longer bear it. Perhaps Alec was right, maybe it was time to get some help.

"Hello, my dear friend." Brother Zachariah smiled, "I'm assuming you're here about your memories?"

Magnus sat down on the bench beside him, he almost didn't come, and he was still contemplating whether to get up and leave. After pacing around for hours in his house, trying to distract himself in any way possible, he had finally decided to reach out to the silent brother.

But even after Zachariah agreed to meet with him, he kept changing his mind. Eventually, the need to end the chaos in his mind, had him up and out of the house. "Yes, Alec told me that you were the one who told me how to get rid of them." Magnus finally said, his fight with Alec still fresh in his mind, and none of the mixed feeling he had, had worn off since then.

"Yes, that is true." Brother Zachariah confirmed, "Although, I did not encourage it, I actually tried to convince you against it."

"So why did I do it?"

"That, is something you are going to need to ask Alec."

"Oh, okay." they sat silently for a moment, before Magnus spoke up again, "I was hoping you could tell me how I can get them back."

"You sent them into oblivion, I'm not sure if there is a way to get them back." Brother Zachariah said honestly, "but let me look." he placed his thumbs on Magnus' temples and closed his eyes. "Interesting…" he mumbled once he opened his eyes.

"What? What did you see?" Magnus couldn't help but feel hopeful.

"It seems, my dear friend, that you had seconds thoughts." the silent brother explained.

"So what does that mean?"

"You tried to stop it, at the last minute." Brother Zachariah told him, "It didn't help, the memories were already gone."

"Oh." Magnus sighed in disappointment.

"However, it looks like your subconscious mind managed to latch on to one memory, It's probably why you still felt something for Alec, even though you have the false memories that make you scared of him." Brother Zachariah told him, making Magnus hopeful again.

"And can you help me retrieve this memory?" He asked.

"I can try."

His leg was bouncing, shaking the chair he was sitting on, and he couldn't stop himself from checking his phone every few minutes. But everytime he was stupidly disappointed, as if there would actually be a message or a phone call. And when there wasn't he had to fight the urge to call or send a message himself.

No.

He was going to stay away this time. He had already made the same mistake too many times, and all it did was push him further away. So he had decided that he was going to give him the time and space he needed, and hope, pray, that he comes back to him.

Alec was sitting at the bar of the Hunter's Moon, he tried to avoid seeing or speaking to anyone, he just stared down at his bottle and peeled off the label. He was halfway through his third beer when he finally looked up and round the room, he noticed Underhill playing pool by himself.

Before Underhill could notice, Alec looked back down at his drink and continued peeling the label. After a moment he looked back up, at the direction of the pool table and sighed. He took another sip and stood up.

Taking his beer with him, Alec walked over to Underhill. "Need someone to play with?" He asked, leaning against the table. Underhill, who was just about to hit the ball, looked up and smiled at Alec before straightening his back and placing the tip of the cue stick on the floor, slightly leaning on it.

He smiled at the head of his Institute and gestured towards the table, "You're on." he said. They set up the pool table for a new game, and started to play.

Halfway through the game, Alec, already on his fourth beer, looked up at Underhill, "I hope you don't… I mean, I'm…" He stuttered, struggling to find the right words, "It's just, this is not the first time we've bumped into each other here, and also the last time I was drunk… I don't want you to think-"

"Don't worry, sir," Underhill cut him off.

"Alec."

"Don't worry Alec, I don't think any less of you." Alec smiled at him and walked closer, until they were inches apart. "You're gay." Alec stated, Underhill laughed.

"Yes I am," he said.

"You're also a shadowhunter." Alec added.

"True."

"And, we get along very well."

"Yes, we do."

"This would make more sense." Alec said, gesturing from himself to Underhill and taking another step forward. Before Underhill could respond or say anything, Alec closed the gap between them and placed a kiss on his lips. For a short moment, Underhill kissed him back, but when it dawned on him what was going on, he pulled away.

They both looked extremely shocked, wide eyed, neither knew how to respond to what just happened. "I am so sorry!" Alec finally exclaimed, "I should not have done that."

"Are you and Magnus…?" Underhill began to ask, not sure how to finish his question.

Alec shook his head and folded his arms, "I don't know… It's very complicated right now." he said finally, looking at Underhill, who was giving him a sympathetic and understanding look, "I'm trying to give him his space, but I miss him, I miss him so much." he added, feeling like he could trust Underhill. "I just can't… I mean, I don't know what to do." he bowed his head as a few tears escaped his eyes. "seeing that scared look in his eyes every time he looks at me… it's just… I hate it."

Underhill stepped towards him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm betting you two will manage to work it out." Alec just smiled at him faintly, deciding not to voice the doubt he felt at those words.

"Sorry again about the kiss, I didn't-" he began to say, but underhill cut him off,

"what kiss?" he asked, smiling.

He walked into the pub, receiving a few smiles and waves from different people. Not wanting to talk or make any interaction with any of them, Magnus searched the room for the only person he wanted to see.

It wasn't very difficult to pick out his shadowhunter in the crowd, he spotted Alec easily, but unfortunately he was not alone. He was standing by the pool table, kissing the blonde guy Magnus saw there the other night.

He froze in his spot, not able to look away. He couldn't help the small sliver of hope, that perhaps what he was seeing was an illusion, or maybe it was a different shadowhunter. But despite the wishful thinking, his eyes were not deceiving him. And it just felt wrong on so many levels.

He was too late.

It was as if he were being stabbed over and over, again and again all over his body. Almost immediately he felt a huge lump in his throat, the one he had been getting too used to lately. It was accompanied by the same sharp ache in his chest, and an overwhelming feeling that took over his whole being.

A new feeling, one that made him want to march over to them and rip the blonde guys head off, because he was taking what was Magnus'. He wanted to pull Alec away from the stranger and shout at him not to touch his shadowhunter.

But when he finally managed to tear his eyes away and move his legs again, he did not make his way over to the two shadowhunters, he found himself turning around and rushing out of the pub, as fast as he possibly could.

When he got out to the alley, he leaned on the wall and tried to catch his breath, he felt like he was choking, none of the air that he was trying to breathe in reached his lungs, he could no longer hold himself up and his legs gave in from under him.

Magnus sat against the wall with his head between his legs, but he still could not breathe. He leaned his head back against the wall and opened a few of the buttons of his shirt, then pulled the collar away from his neck and chest.

He closed his eyes as tears started streaming down his face, releasing some of the tension in his throat. Magnus pulled out the charm, and once again pressed it against his was still torn and a little dirty, but he didn't care, he kept holding it tight.

Yet another image he could not get out of his mind. He did not have the strength to open his eyes, even though he desperately wanted to, because all he could see in the darkness behind his eyelids, was the kiss.

"Magnus?" He heard a soft voice call his name. His eyes shot opened, still struggling to breathe. "Magnus, are you ok?" before he could move or say anything she was at his side, a concerned look in her eyes. "Magnus, we were all so worried about you." Izzy said, placing her hand on his shoulder, her touch was soft and comforting.

I doubt that," he managed to say, his voice barely above a whisper. Magnus quickly wiped his tears away and stood up, her hand fell off his shoulder. She stood up next to him, watching him intently. "I'm fine." he added, noticing her look.

But she didn't seem to believe him, "are you sure? You don't seem-" she began to say but he cut her off.

"I'm sure." Magnus Snapped and began to walk away, she walked after him.

"Please wait, I want to help you," she called after him.

He turned to her impatiently, "I don't want your help." he said and tried to walk off again. He was getting sick of people trying to help him all the time, sick of feeling like he didn't know who he could trust.

Everyone seemed to feel like they had the right to an opinion on this whole thing, as if it were any of their business. All these shadowhunters were constantly trying to meddle in his life, and they kept asking for his trust, claiming to want to help him, but it felt like he was the only one getting hurt time after time.

Isabelle was quick, and had managed to grab his arm, pull him and turn him around. She was also very strong. "Well, too bad, because I'm not letting you go like this." she insisted, and when he didn't resist, she added "I know my brother is going about it the wrong way, but you need to know that he means well." Magnus glared at her and snatched his arm away forcefully.

"I really couldn't care less what that cheaters means or doesn't mean." he snapped at her, taking a slow step towards her, a dark look in his eyes. "There is absolutely nothing you could say that would excuse his actions."

"Wait what? Cheater? What are you-" she began but he cut her off.

"Don't." he said, holding his hand up, and after another moment, turned to walk away.

"He loves you!" she called after him again, desperately. "Alec, he loves you."

Magnus stopped walking, "No," he said, turning his head to her, "He does not."

"Yes, he misses you like hell." She insisted.

Magnus turned his whole body to her, a painful look in his eyes, "Well, Maybe you should go inside," he said, gesturing towards the Hunter's Moon, "You can see for yourself that he most certainly does not miss me." and with that he opened up a portal and disappeared into it, before she had a chance to reply.

Isabelle rushed into the Hunter's Moon, scanning the room quickly, trying to find Alec in the crowd. Finally she spotted him by the pool table with Underhill, 'oh no' she thought, maybe Magnus saw them and thought… she hurried over to them and quickly pulled Alec aside.

He seemed taken aback, but let her drag him away, almost as if he was glad to be saved. "Izzy what's up?" he asked, giggling.

"Are you drunk?" she asked eyeing him, he smiled at her and giggled foolishly again. If this were any other day, under any other circumstances, she would actually be glad to see her big brother like that, letting loose and not so uptight. But in this specific situation she was actually quite horrified and worried.

"I saw Magnus." she said, and immediately upon hearing his name, Alec's eyes lit up and he looked around the room.

"You saw him? Where? Is he okay?" he asked both excited and the prospect of seeing Magnus, and frantically worried.

"He's not here." Izzy told him, he looked disappointed. "I saw him outside, he was a mess."

"My poor Magnus, this is all my fault." Alec murmured. Izzy looked at Underhill, who had returned to playing pool and then back at her brother, "Alec, I think he saw you in here with Underhill. He may have thought something was going on between you two."

Alecs eyes widened in horror, "oh no." he said, "I need to go look for him." Alec put down the bottle of beer he was still holding and began to walk away, but Izzy stopped him before he got too far.

"He portald away." she said to him. "Alec, what did he see?" Alec tried looking anywhere but his sister, as she desperately tried to catch his gaze. "Alec!" she finally said loudly, catching his shoulders and forcing him to look at her.

He sighed and said, "he may have seen me kissing Underhill." Izzy immediately gave him a punch on his shoulder.

"You did what?" She shouted, earning a few weird looks from the people around them.

"Ow!" Alec rubbed his shoulder, his sister was much stronger than she looked. "It was a mistake, I was feeling crappy and I miss Magnus, and it just happened."

"Well, from what he said when I spoke to him outside, I'm assuming he saw you." Izzy sighed.

"I have to go find him." suddenly feeling completely sobered up, Alec rushed out of the Hunter's Moon.