Chapter 13 - Brooklyn Bridge
"Magnus!" Alec was practically banging now on his front door, cursing himself for not bringing his key, "Magnus! Please open up!" He has been searching for him everywhere, he had to be here he just had to, otherwise… where else could he be?
He knocked a few more times, called out to what was clearly an empty apartment, and eventually took a step back and let his hands fall to his sides.
Alec sighed and rubbed his knuckles that were beginning to hurt from all the banging. He sat down on the floor and leaned his back against the wall, Magnus would have to come home eventually, and he couldn't risk letting him go the whole night without a proper explanation.
Even if he hadn't seen the kiss, he definitely saw him with Underhill and probably came to the wrong conclusion, which was understandable. Aelc couldn't blame him for making assumptions, he could only blame himself for being so foolish. The only moment he had let his guard down, and Magnus was there to see it.
He waited a while longer, contemplating whether or not he should stay and wait for Magnus to return home. It could be hours before that happened, and even if and when he did come home, who was to say that he actually wanted to see him? Maybe he needed this time to cool off, maybe if he stayed, it would just make things even worse.
Let's face it, in the past few days, any time he tried to fix things by just showing up, it always went terribly wrong and just pushed his warlock further away. So if that was something to go by, sitting and waiting at his doorstep was probably not the best idea in the world. Scratch that, it was definitely the worst idea in the world.
But what if this time Magnus actually does need him? Or worse, what if he's out there now, and is lost or hurt and in need of Alec's help? Sitting around and waiting won't be any use. Maybe he was just looking for an excuse to go looking for him some more. Maybe it's time to learn from his mistakes and he should just wait for Magnus to come to him when he's ready.
But what if he came looking for him tonight at the Hunter's Moon?
The thought hit him like a ton of bricks. He knew that there was a very good chance that was just wishful thinking, but on the off chance it was actually true, then he really did screw up tonight.
God, when will all of this stop being so fucking confusing? When will it all stop being so overly complicated? No matter what he did, it seemed to be the wrong thing, seemed to just make everything worse.
Alec sighed again, running his hand through his messy hair. It was time to go home, Magnus probably won't want to find him sitting on his doorstep. So He left wandering the streets, back to the Institute, silently hoping he would find him somewhere on the way.
Alec was walking across the Brooklyn Bridge when he finally saw him, Magnus was sitting on the railing of the bridge, his legs hanging off the ledge. He stopped to look at him, standing a few steps away, he could see Magnus was playing with the Omamori charm in his hands.
Alec couldn't help but smile at what he saw, the man he was so desperately and completely in love with, looking so damn good, his eyes shining in the moonlight. He took a deep sharp breath, the cold winter air stinging in his lungs, and tried to mentally prepare himself for what was to come next.
"I remember now."
Alec was just about to step closer to him, when he heard the beautiful voice of the man on the railing. He froze mid-step, startled, the shadowhunter did not realize that Magnus had noticed he was there, he definitely did not expect him to speak, definitely not the words that actually came through his lips.
When he finally managed to compose himself and regain brain function, he walked closer to him, trying not to get his hopes too high too fast, just in case he heard wrong. "You do?" he asked, unable to hide the hopeful tone in his voice. Magnus glanced sideways at him, as Alec leaned forward with his arms on the railing.
"Well, not everything." Alec could easily detect the sadness in his voice as he spoke, Magnus did not sound happy at all that he actually remembered something real. Alec watched him as he looked back down at the charm, he could see now from up close that it was a little torn and dirty. He wanted to ask about that, but there were more important things to discuss at that moment.
"What do you remember?" Alec mustered up the courage to ask, his voice was more hesitant than he wanted it to be.
"I remembered you, giving me this charm." Magnus told him, with a small smile, the look in his eyes still seemed sad, even though what he remembered was a real and good memory. Alec was actually expecting it to be much worse than that. "No one had given me a gift in a very long time." he added, voice barely above a whisper.
"I spent so much time trying to push you away when we first met, denying the feelings I had for you, and I wanted to show you that I wasn't going anywhere." Alec told him, smiling at the memory of that day, "I wanted to show you how much you mean to me, how much I cared."
"I felt it." despite all of his confusion and doubts it the past few days, Magnus spoke with such certainty, that he even surprised himself. "I can't be certain, but from what I can gather, it was the first time in a very long time that I have ever felt like that, I remember being so happy."
They looked at each other for a long moment, and for the first time in days, they just stared into each others eyes, without a hint of fear or tension. Alec allowed himself to get lost in that feeling, stretching it out for as long as he could.
"How did you remember?" Alec asked, finally breaking the silence and daring to move a bit closer to him, Magnus let him, he did not flinch or move away.
"I went to see Brother Zachariah, he found the memory deep in my subconscious," Magnus explained, breaking their eye contact, as if he were ashamed, "Apparently I had second thoughts in the last minute, and tried to hold on to the memories."
"Oh…" Alec swallowed, his throat was dry. There was something heartbreaking about that, the thought of Magnus hurting himself and trying to stop it, but not being able to. And it was even more heart wrenching that Magnus could barely look at him when he told him, as if Alec would be turned off by it.
He hated that and wanted to get rid of it as fast as he could, so he placed his and over Magnus' on the railing, it was a comforting and reassuring touch. Magnus looked down at their hands, and flinched ever so slightly, it was barely visible, but either way, he did not pull away.
"And umm… what about the rest of your memories?" Alec finally asked, smiling softly, as their eyes locked once again.
"He couldn't retrieve them, he wasn't sure if I'll ever get them back." Magnus said, his voice sad again, "But he said that maybe if I tried to trigger them in different ways, then they might come back to me."
"At least you can finally remember something real, a good memory." Alec tried to comfort him, then took another deep breath, bracing himself for what he was about to ask, "What about the fake memories that Asmodeus planted in your mind?" Alec asked, his voice was calm, but all of his insides were burning, his nerves were on edge.
He wasn't sure how much Magnus wanted to talk about and how much he should push for, but he knew he needed to know at least what he was up against.
Fortunately, Magnus remained calm as well and seemed fine with the questions, or at least he seemed to understand why they needed to be asked and answered, "They're still there." he told him with regret, "I'm not sure if there is a way to get rid of them, but I'm really trying not to let them control my mind. It helps that I have at least one real memory back."
"Okay, good." Alec decided not to press any further, there was much to talk about, but he didn't want to over do it. They didn't have to solve it all in one night.
They looked at each other silently for another long moment, before Magnus turned around on the railing, now sitting facing Alec, he reached his hand out slowly, in a slightly hesitant move. He placed his palm on Alec's chest, stroking him gently, watching his own moves, then he looked up at Alec, who was already watching him.
Alec was holding his breath, a little scared to make any movement, and hoping that Magnus never stopped touching him. And yet, he tried to force himself to stay composed and to not let his thoughts go wild and start hoping for things.
Magnus curled up his hand on Alec's shirt and pulled him closer gently, so he was standing between his legs. They were now inches apart, staring into each other's eyes, breathing in the same air. Alec was completely aware of all his limbs and their locations in the space between them, careful as to not scare Magnus with any suddenness.
"I don't remember anything except for that one memory, but I do know that I spent more than a century closing off my heart and building up walls, and if what I felt and thought about you in that moment is anything to go by, you must have been something really special for me to just let go of a century worth of work, and let you in." Magnus spoke softly and honestly, his voice barely above a whisper.
Magnus' gaze pierced through him, his words made Alec's skin tingle. He could feel his heart practically beating out of his chest, and it took all he had not to reach out and touch him, pull him in even closer.
He stayed silent because he had no idea how to respond to that, he was scared that anything he said would just ruin the moment, because no words that he could stammer together would ever live up to that.
"I… I want you to help me remember more." Magnus said finally, his voice barely above a whisper. "Kiss me." he barely finished speaking, and Alec was already placing his hands on Magnus' hips and closing the small gap between them.
All he wanted was to attack him, kiss him with every fiber of his being, touch him everywhere and anywhere he could. He wanted to kiss him deeply, in a way that would satisfy the hunger he felt, but he held himself together and kissed him as gently as he could.
Their lips came together in a soft and tender kiss, Alec was melting into it, his whole body sighing in relief. Their lips moved in slow and desperate movements, the tension around them only growing thicker and stronger. It was the kind of kiss that reminded Alec of the kiss they shared in Magnus' apartment, after their first date.
Alec was so lost in this tiniest of kisses, he hadn't noticed his grip tightening on the other man's hips until Magnus pulled away and winced. He immediately pulled his hand away, raising them up in the air as if to surrender, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to… did I hurt you?" he asked, his voice slightly panicked, he didn't want to scare him off again, not now.
"I'm fine… I- I want more." Magnus said, placing his hands on Alec's shoulders, and pulled him in for another soft kiss. Alec stepped forward and placed his hands back on his hips, letting them roam up Magnus' waist and back, and then finally cupping his face and allowing himself to deepen the kiss.
Magnus let one of his hands move from Alec's shoulder to the nape of his neck, his fingers rubbing and slightly pulling at his hair. Alec was so far gone, lost in the moment, that he was taken aback and found himself chasing his lips when Magnus suddenly pulled away.
They were both slightly out of breath, trying to regain composer and come out of the shock from what had just transpired between them. "So who's a better kisser?" Magnus finally managed to ask.
Alec looked at him, taken aback, he had almost forgotten about that completely. "About that… I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to… it was just a drunken mistake, I don't know what came over me…" Alec was rambling, and Magnus smiled at him softly.
"It's fine, you don't owe me any explanation." he said, Alec immediately shook his head.
"Yes I do, you didn't deserve that and I'm so sorry." He said, pulling Magnus' forehead to his, "You're the only guy I want to kiss. God I've missed you so much." He could no longer hold himself together, Alec pulled him into another kiss, this one slightly deeper and longer, his hand on the back of Magnus' neck. He didn't pull away or flinch.
"For the record, there is absolutely no one who could ever kiss better than you." Alec admitted slightly dazed, completely enamoured by Magnus and the kisses they shared, "and I'm never going to make you doubt that ever again."
Magnus chuckled lightly and wrapped his arms around Alec's waist, burying his head in his chest as Alec wrapped his arms around his shoulders and kissed the top of his head, then closed his eyes as he breathing in his scent. The warlock took in a deep breath, it felt like the first one that actually reached his lungs in days, then he slowly pulled away and looked up at the other man.
"Why did I do it?" Magnus asked after another short moment of silence, Alec was still inches away from him, his eyes still closed.
"What?"
"Why did I erase my memories of you?" Alec's eyes shot opened, and swallowed hard, unsure of how to answer that question. When he didn't reply, Magnus continued "I asked Brother Zachariah, but he wouldn't tell me, he said I should ask you." Alec looked at him, and just couldn't bring himself to say the words out loud. "Please tell me."
"I don't want to."
They had finally taken a step forward, they were finally making progress, and Alec just couldn't bring himself to ruin that. Obviously Magnus deserved the truth, but what if the truth re-opened the rift between them, what if Magnus pushed him away again?
"I know you made a deal with Asmodeus." Magnus said, "Does it have anything to do with that?"
"How do you know?" Alec was surprised.
"Please, just tell me… I need to know." They stood silently for another moment before Alec sighed and took a small step back. Where do you even begin?
"You lost your magic because of me, and you were miserable without it." He began to explain, his eyes on the ground as Magnus kept his eyes on him, "I couldn't just watch you suffer like that, so I went to Asmodeus, asked him to restore your magic." Alec took a deep breath before lifting his gaze to meet Magnus', "He agreed, only if I broke up with you."
"Oh…"
"I didn't want to." Alec took a step forward, placing his hands on Magnus' knees, "I swear it was the most difficult thing I had to do, ever. But I wanted you to feel whole again, I wanted you to have your magic back, so you wouldn't resent me for the rest of our lives."
Magnus looked away, his hands playing with the Omamori charm in his hands. When he said nothing, Alec continued, "He wasn't supposed to take you to Edom, that wasn't part of the deal."
"It's ok, It's not your fault I guess." Magnus finally spoke after another long pause.
"No, I should've fought harder." Alec said, cupping Magnus' cheeks in his hands.
"I don't think there's much you could've done against Asmodeus."
"But I should've at least tried."
Magnus grabbed his wrists and removed them from his cheeks slowly and gently, then he stood up, Alec took a step back as he did so. "Let's just forget about it, OK?" Magnus said, "I just want to go home."
"I really am sorry, I never wanted you to hurt like this." Alec said desperately.
"I know." with a flick of the wrist, Magnus opened a portal and stepped towards it, but when Alec didn't move, he turned back slightly, "Are you coming?"