Chapter 14 - Half A Stranger

As they stepped out of the portal and into Magnus' living room, Magnus went straight to his drinks stations and made them two glasses of martini, then handed one to Alec who had been following him with his eyes fondly, but also a bit weary, as if he was a ticking time bomb that could explode at any moment.

Alec smiled softly as he accepted the martini, "Thank you." he spoke in a low voice, and when he realised he had no idea what else to say or how they were supposed to act now around each other, he took a slow and lingering sip from his drink, buying himself some time.

Magnus seemed to be struggling with the same contemplations, as he watched Alec, his body swaying slightly, as if he was not sure if he should step closer to the other man, or step further away. His lips parted, leaving a small gap between them, as if about to speak, but then - just like Alec, it seemed to dawn on him that he had no idea how to fill the awkward silence, so instead, Magnus used his parted lips to take a sip from his drink as well.

They continued to just stand there like two idiots for another moment, that practically stretched out for forever. They tried not to look directly into the others eyes, but when their line of sight crossed, and they ended up doing just that, both men began to ramble random words at the same time, neither of them making any sense.

Luckily they managed to stop themselves, then laughed awkwardly, then took another sip, then tried again to speak at the same time.

"You first." Alec told him, as if he was being a gentleman, but actually just trying to avoid speaking first, since he didn't really know what to say yet. He actually felt kind of bad, because if you think about it, he was actually being the complete opposite of a gentleman, basically throwing Magnus under the bus.

It seemed that Magnus also caught on the same thought, because he rolled his eyes dramatically and let out a soft snort. Then he shook his head and looked down at his drink, trying to sort out his thoughts and decide what he was supposed to say next.

After another short moment, Magnus tried to respond, but found himself yet again at a loss, so he sighed heavily then let out a small laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole situation. He rubbed his hand over his face as he sat down on the couch. Alec watched him, then moved to sit down on the same couch beside Magnus.

"I guess there is just so much to talk about, but I just don't know where or how to begin." Magnus told him, as his fingers turned the glass in his hands, his eyes watching the liquid swirl. "I just have so many questions and I…" Magnus looked up at Alec and met his gaze, he cut himself off, not sure how to continue.

"I'm sure, You must be so confused." Alec said sympathetically, his body turning more towards Magnus, "But we will get there, it can't all be solved in one night."

"I know, It's just really overwhelming." Magnus told him and paused to take another sip, then turned to face Alec as well, "I thought that once I remembered something, that it will make this all easier, and it does help, but I feel like the mess in my head just got way more… messier." Magnus snorted lightly and shook his head as he finished off his Martini.

"I promise to do my best to try and help you clean up that mess." Alec told him, placing his half drunk martini glass on the coffee table, then watched as Magnus looked down at his own empty glass, then placed it down on the coffee table as well. Magnus tucked his legs together onto the couch and ran a hand through his hair.

He looked up at Alec who was surprised to see the longing in his gaze, he hadn't seen Magnus look at him like that in too long. He was sure that he had the same look in his eyes, as he stared back at the beautiful brown eyes that were slowly inching closer.

Magnus scooted closer on the couch and his hands reached out for Alec, one landing on his thigh, the other at the nape of his neck. His movements were uncharacteristically hesitant, and filled with self doubt. Alec tried to encourage him by putting his own hands on Magnus' hips and squeezing them softly. They continued to look into each others eyes, as once again, the silence took over, this time a little less awkward.

Alec could see Magnus leaning in but then quickly pulling away, his movements were gentle and barely noticeable, but Alec could tell that Magnus did not pull away because he really wanted to. So Alec smiled fondly, completely charmed and enamoured by this new side of Magnus. He had never gotten to see him like that, the shadowhunter had always been the hesitant one, the one who needed encouragement.

So as he leaned in, one of his hands left Magnus' hip and found its way to the back of his neck and pulled him closer, closing the gap between them. At first, their lips joined together slowly, each taking in a sharp breath through the nose as they began to find a rhythm, that slowly picked up its pace.

Alec's hand moved once again to cup Magnus' cheek, as he pressed harder and deeper, unconsciously letting out a soft moan as Magnus' fingers began to roam up from his nape to the top of his head, tugging and pulling on his hair, his other hand now on Alec's chest, fisting the fabric of his shirt.

Alec moved his hand back to its original place on Magnus' hip and began to pull him closer, as their kiss grew hungrier, their lips parting only slightly for half a second at a time to catch some air. Magnus lifted one of his legs and allowed Alec to pull him onto his lap, his knees on either side of the other man.

Alec's hand now started to roam up and down Magnus' back and sides, as Magnus' hands roamed his chest and shoulders. And as he slipped his tongue into the other man's mouth and began to explore, Alec placed his hands on Magnus' hips once again and pulled him closer into his lap, causing them both to moan from the friction.

The next time their crotches pressed together, Magnus did not wait for Alec's hands to pull him in, as he rolled his hips down and forward, chasing the same friction as both members grew harder.

But as Alec grabbed the back of his head, an unpleasant memory flashed through his mind. He knew it didn't actually happen, but he couldn't help how real it felt. And as he pulled back abruptly and looked into Alec's eyes, he didn't see the gaze filled with a whirlwind of emotions and feelings he was actually receiving. He didn't see the love, or longing, he also didn't see the disappointment from the lack of lips on lips.

All Magnus could see was the pure disgust and hate, as the same strong hands held him up against the wall, causing pain and not pleasure. He could see the shadowhunter that betrayed him, and used him without any care or remorse.

Alec watched him in confusion as he pulled away, and then jumped up and off him as if he was burnt by an imaginary fire. He tried to grab him and stop him from getting far, but Magnus was too quick and put as much distance as he could between them as he pulled his knees against his chest at the other edge of the couch.

Magnus knew right away how screwed up it all was, he didn't need a moment to realise where he was and what had happened, what was real and what was not; because this time, he could also feel how much he wanted Alec close. This time he could actually remember something from their real relationship, and it just made the battle in his head all the more difficult.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered, putting his head between his knees as his hands pulled at his hair on the back of his head. He didn't need to look up to see how confused Alec was, or to know that he had no idea what to do. He could feel Alec's hesitation before he reached out and pulled him closer. Magnus could feel the relief as their bodies reconnected, but he could also feel the slight panic, and he fought the urge to pull away again.

He let the tears flow down his cheeks as he buried his face in Alec's chest, "I'm so sorry Alec." He whispered again between sobs.

Alec pulled him even closer into his embrace and rubbed his back soothingly, "It's okay." he told him, but deep in his heart he knew it wasn't. It hurt, it was really difficult to watch the man he loved pull away from him in complete terror, as if expecting him to attack.

It wasn't the first time it happened, but it was almost worse than the last time, on the night they came back from Edom. Because they were in a better place now, because Magnus actually remembered something real from their relationship, and because it was while they were being intimate.

How long until he could kiss his own boyfriend without the fear of him breaking apart like that again?

The worst part for him wasn't getting hurt himself, it wasn't his own feelings that concerned him most at that moment. The worst part was seeing the man he loved crumble, after getting so used to him being the strongest man he knew, it was near impossible to watch him struggling and battle the demons in his head. And all the while, feeling there was not much he could do to make it better, not as instantly as he would like anyway.

Once Magnus managed to calm down, they had decided that he should probably get some rest, as he had enough to deal with for one day. But when they stood up from the couch, Magnus found that he was not ready for Alec to leave, but he knew it was probably not the best idea for them to sleep together, because he didn't want a repeat of what just happened in the middle of the night. Or ever for that matter.

Alec could read him just as well as always, and could tell his internal conflict almost immediately. "If you want me to stay, I don't mind sleeping in the guest room." it was far from the truth, Alec wanted nothing more than to curl up together under the warm blanket on Magnus' bed, but he knew that was not a good idea. So he decided to suppress his own feelings for the sake of Magnus', he owed him that much and probably even more.

All the comfort they had managed to build up, all the intimacy they had just experienced, it had all disappeared as if it were never there to begin with. They stood at the splitting of the hallway, between Magnus' room and the guest room, the air between them tense and awkward once again.

Neither of them knew how they were supposed to act now, what they were supposed to do. Alec wanted nothing more than to pull Magnus into his arms and hug him close, he wanted to kiss him goodnight, but was now so unsure of anything, because he had no way of knowing how Magnus would react.

So they just whispered their goodnights to each other and went into their separate bedrooms, and Alec couldn't help but feel like a stranger, like Magnus was a stranger he could not recognise.

He hated that thought, because Magnus was anything but a stranger.

When Magnus woke up the following morning, he stretched out on his large bed like he did every morning. But this time, he could feel the emptiness in the pit of his stomach, suddenly he didn't like having all that space to himself. Suddenly, he felt so alone, and he just knew that something was missing. No, actually, someone was missing.

Then he remembered that that someone was sleeping in his guest room.

He jumped up, and after brushing his teeth and washing his face, he put on his robe and walked out of his room. Magnus stopped at the opened door of the guest room, it was empty and showed no sign of anyone sleeping in it, but he could smell the scent of french toast in the air, and that made him smile as he made his way into the kitchen.

This time, he didn't want to have his own quiet morning, he didn't want to be left alone with his mug of coffee. And as he walked into the kitchen, he stood for a moment at the entryway, enjoying the sight of the shadowhunter by the stove, his back turned to him. When Alec turned around, probably feeling the eyes burning into his back, Magnus could see Alec's hesitation in his eyes.

But Alec's fears seemed to subside when he saw the smile on Magnus' face, and completely disappeared when he came up to him and embraced him in a hug. "Good morning." Alec greeted him, "How did you sleep?"

"Good morning," Magnus replied, as he let go of Alec and poured himself a mug of coffee, "I slept well, and you?" Alec turned back to his frying pan and laughed at their politeness.

"Fine," Alec replied as he took the french toast out of the pan and put them on the plates he laid out on the counter, "although it was quite strange sleeping in your guest room."

"I'm sorry." Magnus spoke in a sad tone which Alec wanted to dispose of immediately, so he spun around and smiled at his warlock as warmly as possible.

"Don't be." He said, "I completely understand, and I know it won't be easy, but I'm sure we will figure everything out." he wasn't as certain as he let Magnus think he was, but he knew that he needed to be the strong one this time. Magnus just smiled at him and whispered a small thank you when Alec placed both plates on the table.

"Hopefully you eat it this time." Alec said, making sure to smile so Magnus knew it was a joke and meant to be taken lightly.

Magnus smiled back and picked up his knife and fork, "Oh, I ate it last time." He said teasingly, "It was actually very good." Alec laughed lightly and shook his head as he picked up his own knife and fork.

"So I guess we still have a lot to talk about." Magnus said after they were done eating.

"Yes, but it doesn't have to be right now." Alec replied, standing up and putting the dishes in the sink, "I also need to get back to the institute."

"Oh okay." Magnus looked disappointed at that, so Alec quickly assured him that he will be back in the evening and they could talk about everything when he got back, or at least part of it.

Magnus walked him to the door, where they both lingered for a long moment, unsure of how they were supposed to say their goodbyes. Alec eventually opened the door, not because he wanted to leave, but because he really needed to get back to the institute. Then they both opened their mouths to speak and ended up laughing at their awkwardness.

They stepped closer slowly as their laughter subsided, and Magnus found himself stepping up on his toes and wrapping his hands around the other man's neck and pulled him in. Alec pushed Magnus up against the door frame as he deepened the kiss, but as his hands trailed Magnus' shoulders and arms, he pulled away, with the thought of the night before still fresh in his mind.

"Is something wrong?" Magnus asked as Alec took a step back. Alec watched the concerned look in his eyes, then his eyes couldn't help but notice that Magnus' robe had fallen open and revealed his chest and stomach.

"Yes," Alec found himself replying as he pointed at Magnus' open robe, "That is completely unfair." it wasn't the whole truth, yes the revealed skin made it more difficult, but what was really wrong, was that he no longer felt that he was able to lose himself in his boyfriend, he had to keep some self control and awareness in case he broke again.

When he returned later that night, Alec found himself standing outside Magnus' door for longer than he should. He was holding his key in his hand, contemplating whether he should use it or just knock on the door. Magnus had given it to him, because he wanted him to feel at home and comfortable enough to come and go as he pleased. But Magnus couldn't remember giving it to him at the moment, so maybe he wouldn't want him to use it now, or even worse, what if he scared him if he just walked in.

Eventually the door opened before he could make a decision. He had no idea how long he had been standing there when Magnus came into sight at the other side of the threshold. Magnus had an amused smile on his face, as if he could hear what had been going on in Alec's mind the whole time. Alec smiled sheepishly at him before taking a step forward and pecking Magnus on the lips.

"You can use that next time, if you would like," Magnus told him, pointing at the key in Alec's hand. Alec walked further into the apartment as Magnus closed the door and walked up beside him.

"I wasn't sure." Alec told him, "How did you know I was here?"

Magnus raised an eyebrow at him, as if it were obvious. "Darling, I always know when someone walks through my wards," he told him, "I wanted to give you the time you needed to decide whether you wanted to come in or not, but you took so long, and I just thought I'd make the decision for you."

Alec laughed awkwardly and rubbed the back of his head, "I wasn't contemplating whether I should come in or not, just if I should use the key or knock." he corrected, making sure Magnus didn't think he didn't want to be there.

"Yes, I see that now." Magnus replied and smiled softly. Then they both walked to the living room and sat down on the couch. "Would you like something to drink?" Magnus asked, already standing up again and making his way to the drinks station.

"Sure."

This time Magnus poured them both a glass of whiskey and added ice to each, when he turned back around he made his way to the couch and sat down close to Alec, trying to show him that he wanted him to feel comfortable, that he was okay with the closeness. "How are you feeling?" Alec asked him, as he accepted his drink.

Magnus smiled at him, and replied after taking a sip of his drink, "I'm fine, trying to get back on track with all my clients. I just want to get back to normal and forget about everything that happened."

"I wish there was something I could do or say that would make it all go away." Alec told him honestly and Magnus smiled at him.

"I know, but I guess with time…" Magnus gestured with his hand in the air, as if it was the answer to the problem and then took another sip of his drink. "But I also know we can't just ignore it all and move on."

"We should talk about it." Alec agreed as they stared into each others eyes, both bodies turning to face each other, their knees touching as they turned. But neither initiated any further conversation, only slow movements as their bodies inched closer together.

They had no idea who made the first move, but suddenly they found their lips smashing together, their cups discarded somewhere on the floor as they completely skipping slow and soft, and advanced straight to hungry and rough, on the verge of painful. Alec grabbed Magnus' face and he tilted his own head to the side to deepen the kiss, "I've wanted to do this all day long." he confessed between kisses.

But just as sudden and quickly as it had begun, it also came to an abrupt end when Magnus shoved Alec away again. He sat back straight on the couch and grabbed his head at the sides, as he leaned his elbows on his knees. "Shit." he shouted angrily, then turned to Alec more calmly, "God I… Alec, I'm sorry." he tried to reach out to his shadowhunter, but the latter instinctively pulled away before Magnus could even touch him.

And with a sudden shock it dawned on him like a ton of bricks, Magnus could feel how Alec must feel every time he pulls away, how he feels every time he winces from his touch.

A flash of hurt shone in Magnus' eyes at the realisation that Alec was now scared to touch him, but he could not blame him. He was not angry with him in the slightest, he was actually angry at himself. And the hurt switched to horror at the thought that he was becoming his own worst enemy, ruining any progress him and Alec had managed to make.

Magnus stood up abruptly and tried to walk away when Alec managed to pull himself together and stood up as well, reaching out quickly to grab Magnus and embrace him as close as he possibly could. "No no no, I'm sorry." Alec told him, "I'm so sorry."

When they let go of each other, Magnus sank back into the couch and leaned his head back. Alec sat beside him and placed his hand on Magnus' sigh, to make sure he knew he was there and he wasn't afraid to touch him. "I just wish I could get it out of my head." Magnus told him, lifting his head back up to look at Alec, "I want to get rid of those stupid memories."

"Is there a way to get rid of them?" Alec asked, and mentally kicked himself because it was a stupid question. If there was a way, Magnus probably would have done it already.

But Magnus didn't look at him like it was a stupid question, and replied seriousely, "I'm not sure, but Brother Zacharia said that even if there is, it is very risky." Magnus explained.

"You said that he told you that you could trigger your memories back," Alec said after a moment of thought, "perhaps if we trigger back your memories, they will over power the fake ones and make it all easier to deal with."

Magnus shook his head and looked at him sadly, "I don't know, it's not as if I gave them away to a memory demon, I destroyed them… sent them into oblivion." he said, "I thought that night on the bridge, that when we kissed perhaps it would trigger something, but it didn't."

"What if I take you to some places where we had special moments," Alec suggested, "Maybe that will help?"

"I mean we can try." Magnus gave it some thought, "Brother Zacharia said that I may not remember you, but I can remember certain moments and events where you were present but in my memories you were erased from them, so perhaps there might be some remnants somewhere deep inside."

"What if you came with me to the institute tomorrow?" Alec suggested, "Maybe being there and seeing the others will trigger something."

"Sure." Magnus smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes, Alec could tell that he was slowly losing hope, and that broke his heart even more. Magnus stood and picked up their cups off the floor and took them into the kitchen, all the while avoiding any contact with Alec. When he came back, Alec could tell that he was trying to keep his distance, and it hurt like hell, but he could also understand why.

Magnus had one memory out of their whole relationship, and it was strong and it brought back his affection and attraction, but it clearly wasn't enough against all of the fake and horrible memories Asmodeus had planted in his brain.

Alec also couldn't help but think that it wasn't the best memory to help Magnus put up a good fight against the fake one memories, because as much as it was a great and beautiful moment, and a significant one in their time together, it wasn't enough. It was so early in their relationship, before they had sex and before he had told Magnus that he loves him.

In a way, he was still half a stranger to Magnus. He had tried not to think about it in their moment of bliss, he knew he had been in denial because he didn't want to lose the little progress they had made, but he couldn't keep shoving it away, it won't make it disappear, he needed to attack it head on.

He looked back at Magnus who looked just as helpless as he felt, probably more. He decided at that moment that he will do anything to get rid of it, he will do anything to make sure that Magnus didn't feel like a stranger anymore.