Chapter 15 - Inches Between Us

Alec was tossing and turning in the bed of the guest room, he couldn't bare the thought that Magnus was just a few feet away, curled up in the bed that they used to share, and he couldn't go to him, he couldn't cuddle him or even just lay next to him without the fear of causing him to breakdown again. His whole body was aching for him, he hadn't realized just how much until last night, when they finally kissed.

But everything was just too complicated, besides the fact that Magnus wasn't ready for that yet, he wanted to take things slow, needed time, and Alec learned from his mistakes, and was willing to give him as much as he needed. At least he was trying, even though it was extremely difficult for him, for both of them.

Thoughts of Magnus kept racing through his mind, although he couldn't remember everything they had, Alec did remember, he was completely and utterly in love with Magnus, he needed him in his life, just a few days ago he was planning on proposing to him. And now it just seemed like a distant memory that was quickly fading away.

All he wanted was to be close to him again, hold him in his arms, and know he was his. Alec looked down at his phone, it was already 3am, surely Magnus was already fast asleep. He put his phone back down and got up off the bed, he made his way to Magnus' bedroom, the same room in which they had spent so many nights together. Nights that have suddenly become painful and distant memories.

He stood in the doorway, and watched from afar, as the love of his life tossed over in his bed, sleeping on the side that Alec usually slept in. it took all he had in him not to sprint to the bed and hold him in his arms.

Suddenly, Magnus bolted up into a sitting position in the bed and stared at him with fear in his eyes. "I'm sorry, it's only me." Alec told him in a calm voice, "I didn't mean to scare you."

"Have you been watching me?" Magnus asked, his voice slightly raspy from sleep, and his gaze turning from fear to somewhere between amusement and calmness.

"Just a couple of minutes, wanted to make sure you're okay."

"Oh, thanks… I'm fine." Magnus rubbed his eyes slightly as he spoke, "I just want to go back to sleep." he lay back down in the bed as Alec shifted a bit, the pit of his stomach was burning, and he could no longer stop himself.

"Can I stay with you?" he dared to ask, his heart pounding, hoping.

"I don't know… I'm just not…" Magnus' voice trailed off, he wanted him to stay, he had a craving for him deep inside that he couldn't explain, a craving that only grew since he got that memory back, and could now feel a sliver of what he used to. It was as if his body still remembered Alec, even though his mind was still scared of him.

He hated having to push him away everytime those fears got the better of him, and hated even more the pain in Alec's eyes every time it happened. It was like a dark cloud hanging over them, that waited for the most intimate moments - after they had finally managed to rebuild the bridge between them, to rain down on them, causing the already wobbly bridge to crumble down. Taking them back to square one.

And he was so terrified of scaring Alec away, because who wants to be with someone who can shove you away at any moment? Who wants to be with someone who may be far beyond repair? Magnus could not allow himself to be too naive as to believe for even a moment, that his mind may ever be the same again, forever caught in between real and fake memories.

His feelings were indeed in a huge chaotic mess, he had yet to remember the love he felt for Alec in the past, but he had grown to like the shadowhunter despite the constant worries that were caused by his fake memories. And although there were many holes and gaps in his mind, he still knew his history, he knew how easily and how fast he can fall. He could also remember and feel the way he had on that evening that Alec gave him the charm, he remembers also then, thinking of how easy it would be for that boy in front of him to break his heart.

"It's fine, don't worry about it." Alec said quietly, trying to fight the lump in his throat, "I'll be in the guest room if you need me."

Magnus sat up slightly and leaned on his elbows as he watched Alec turn to leave the room, he knew how difficult this must be for him, to have the man you love treat you like a stranger, and even worse, be scared of you. But despite all that, he wasn't giving up, he was still here and he still cared.

"Alexander," he called after him, his voice soft. Alec froze for a moment at the doorway before turning to look at Magnus, who had a small smile on his lips. His hair was an adorable mess, and he was shirtless, with his necklaces laying on his bare skin.

Alec let out a deep breath, relieving his burning lungs in the process, then made his way to the bed in rushed moves, laying himself on top of Magnus, leaning on his elbows so he wouldn't crush him with his weight, "Oh Magnus." the Archer whispered, and brushed their lips together, no longer able to control himself. "I've missed you so much." in hungry rapid moves, he kissed him again on the lips, then his jawline and his neck, he kissed along his collarbone and down his chest and stomach, then came back up again, marking the same trail in reverse.

Magnus looked at him in shock, unsure of how to react. He was caught off guard, somewhere between pleasure and want, even need, to fear and vulnerability. "I'm so sorry," Alec said, realizing what he has done. He climbed off of Magnus and sat on the bed beside him.

Magnus wasn't sure when it happened, but at some point Alec's presence had begun to be more comforting and reassuring than threatening and scary. "Stop apologizing so much." he told him, "It's find, you just… surprised me a bit there."

Alec laughed lightly, more out of relief than anything, "Are you okay?" he asked gently.

"I think so."

"Do you want me to go?"

"No."

Alec couldn't help but think that perhaps it would have been a better idea for him to stay in the guest room. Laying in bed, with a half naked Magnus, looking sexy as hell, was extremely difficult. What made it even more difficult, was the fact that it had been so long since the last time they had sex, with Magnus being sick, then having his breakdown and after that they broke up, and then… all of the other mess.

Magnus couldn't remember, what Alec couldn't stop thinking about at that moment - they had incredible sex. Not that he had much to compare it to, but he was convinced that he didn't need to compare to know.

He couldn't stop his mind from wandering, remembering all the wonderful nights they spent together in the same bed they lay in now. He remembered the way Magnus' back arched, how his hips would buck, the way he clutched and scratched. And he could never forget how utterly divine it was when he caused Magnus' toes to curl and moan in pleasure.

God how he loved those moans, and knowing he was the cause of them.

And Magnus could be loud. Very loud.

And he loved that too.

Alec lay on his back, staring at the ceiling, trying desperately to ignore the aching yearning of his body for the man laying right there next to him. Magnus lay just a few inches away from him, and even though he was close enough to feel his body heat, it still felt like too far away. It was the most space they ever had between them while sharing a bed.

Alec almost jumped out of his skin when he felt a warm and soft touch on his chest, his head spun sideways just as Magnus scooted closer to him and lay his head on his shoulder, his eyes wide open.

"Magnus…" he breathed out, closing his eyes, his whole body burning as Magnus' fingers trailed over his body, leaving goosebumps everywhere he touched. "Please don't… I- I can barely control myself as it is."

"What if I don't want you to have to control yourself?" Magnus whispered, without stopping his wandering fingers.

Alec's eyes shot open and stared deep into Magnus'. "What?" he choked.

"My mind may not remember everything, but my whole body… it's like it has a mind of its own." Magnus explained, "Having you here next to me, so close, it's like my body is just drawn to you, especially since I got that memory of you back."

For a moment they just lay there, staring into each other's eyes. "I want you." Magnus whispered, his voice sounding as desperate as Alec felt. Within seconds, Alec climbed on top of Magnus, their lips crashing together into a passionate kiss, Magnus' fingers clawing into Alec's back.

Alec was touching him everywhere and anywhere his hands could reach, along his shoulders and arms, down his waist and hips, then up his stomach and chest. Then he was rolling his hips down into Magnus. They were both panting and moaning, their lips kissing as if their lives depended on it.

Alec began kissing down Magnus' neck, biting and sucking at his skin, when he was suddenly pushed away violently, "Get off me!" Magnus shouted as he pushed himself away and hugged his knees to his chest.

Alec stared at him in shock for a short moment, hating the way Magnus trembled. Then tried to reach out to him, but Magnus flinched and moved away even further, almost falling off the bed "Don't touch me!" he shouted.

Alec had to fight the urge to reach out again to stop Magnus from stumbling, instead he stood up, fighting back tears, and watched once again as the man he loved most in the world looked at him in terror. Somehow it just got worse, because last time Magnus knew right away, but this time he seemed a million miles away from coming back to him.

After another moment of heaving and rocking back and forth, that seemed to last forever, the look in Magnus' eyes slowly changed from fear to shock, and then to regret, his gaze softened as he looked at Alec. Then he grabbed his head, his fingers clutching at his hair, as he buried his head between his knees. "God, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." he whispered, his voice breaking. "I'm sorry, Alexander, I know this must be so difficult for you, I didn't mean to… I just… I'm not…"

Alec was frozen in place, completely confused, he had no idea what he should do. Magnus slowly lifted up his head and looked at him, tears streaming down his cheeks. Alec's heart shattered, it was unbearable seeing Magnus like that, especially knowing he had no way of fixing it. "My mind, It's like one minute all I want is to be as close to you as possible, and the next I… I just can't get the image out of my mind, of you hurting me, it just takes over and I..."

"What do you see in those Images?" Alec asked, his voice weak. He was terrified of the answer, but needed to know.

"What?"

"What did I do to you, in those memories?" Magnus stared at him hesitantly for a moment, he opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't bring himself to say it. "Tell me." Alec's words were more forceful than he intended.

"You befriended me, caused me to trust you. Then you kidnapped me, and locked me up, in the institutes cell. You forced me to go to Edom to get my fathers help, to save Jace. You tortured me with some kind of… of electrical wave." Magnus finally spoke, a look of pain in his eyes as he recalled the events. "You had Lorenzo-"

"No." Alec cut him off, his voice sharp and angry, "I can't. I can't hear anymore of this."

"I'm sorry, I know it didn't happen, I know now that you would never hurt me like that." Magnus stood up and walked closer to him, wiping away his tears, "you need to know that I'm doing everything I can to push those memories out of my mind, but sometimes it just… I can't control them."

Alec watched him for a moment, "I need to get out of here." he said, before turning away and making his way to the door.

"Alexander, wait." Magnus called out to him, and as Alec turned around, Magnus made his way over to him and hugged him, "I want you to stay."

Alec pushed him away gently and took a step back. "I love you so much, and I want to be with you so bad, it hurts." Alec said as calmly as he could, trying to cover up how bitter he felt, "But having you push me away like that in fear, you have no idea how terrible it is for me, and I just don't know if I can handle it if it happens again."

"I know, I'm sorry." Magnus was shaking slightly, feeling uncomfortable in his own skin. His hands were unconsciously rubbing at the skin on his arms, pinching his flesh, trying to fight the overwhelming need to rip out of it.

Alec fought the urge to embrace him, "You don't need to apologize, this isn't your fault." he said, running his hand through his hair and sighing heavily, as if the weight of the whole world was on his shoulders.

"Please don't go." Magnus pleaded, his voice breaking.

"Shit Magnus, I'm so sorry." Alec forced himself out of the self pity he was feeling, and made his way to his warlock that needed him now more than ever. He wrapped his arms around Magnus' shoulders, forcing them to stop shaking with the strength of his embrace. Magnus snaked his arms around his waist and buried his face in his chest, breathing in Alec's scent, that somehow managed to calm him down

"Is there any way to get rid of the memories my father gave me?" Magnus asked, after Brother Zachariah helped him pull the memory of Alec out of his subconscious.

"You might be able to send them to oblivion, like you did with the rest of your memories, but it is extremely risky." Brother Zachariah told him, "Especially since they are false memories, and were given to you by a greater demon."

"I'm willing to try," Magnus said desperately, "I'll do anything to get rid of them."

"You don't understand, in order to remove memories from your mind, they have to be clear and vivid, and because they are not real, you will not be able to see them in extreme details." Brother Zachariah explained, "and because your mind has been tampered with quite a lot, it can do a lot of harm if you try."

"So I just have to live with them?" Magnus asked, "I don't want to fear Alec like that for the rest of my life. He doesn't deserve that."

"I know, but you can do irreversible damage if you try to erase them."

Magnus was searching through every spell and potion book he had, as he remembered his conversation with Brother Zachariah, who had convinced him not to try and erase his false memories, but after what happened with Alec the night before, he felt like he had no other choice but to try. He just had to focus on those memories, to make them as clear as possible.

He was searching through every memory spell he had, when an idea popped into his mind.

"Oh god Alec, I'm so sorry." Izzy said in concern, they were sitting at his desk in his office, and he had just told her about what happened with Magnus the night before, "I wish there was something I could do to help."

"Thanks Izz," Alec smiled at his sister, taking a sip of his coffee which he made extra strong, "But just talking about it helps a bit."

"Good, I'm always here if you need me." She told him, placing a hand on his arm. "And I'm sure you two will work it out, you always do."

"That's what everyone keeps telling me, but it just seems to be getting worse." Alec sighed and ran his fingers through his already messy hair, "shit Izzy, you should have seen him last night, he was such a mess. I can't believe I almost walked out on him."

"But you didn't." his sister reminded him, "and I'm sure he understands how difficult it is for you and appreciates your effort."

"Yeah, I hope you're right." he finished off his coffee just as Jace and Clary walked in, holding the report from their night patrol, which Jace lay on the desk in front of Alec, who couldn't hide his surprise, "Wow, you actually filled out a report?"

When Jace smirked at him, he knew it was too good to be true, so he looked down and read the one sentence that was written on it, "Seriously, Jace?" He asked, raising an eyebrow, "we fought demons and killed them all?" Alec tried to sound authoritative and upset at the lack of seriousness, but even he couldn't stop the small grin that crep it's way onto his lips, as he shook his head and rolled his eyes.

Jace shrugged his shoulders as Clary laughed besides him, Izzy joining her soon after. "Hey, where's Magnus?" Jace asked suddenly, after scanning the office with his eyes.

Alec looked back up at him confused, "Magnus? Why?" he asked.

"Yeah, we saw him coming into the institute when we came back from patrol." Jace explained, "He said he was here to visit you."

"He did? Where is he then?" Alec asked, now becoming quite concerned. Magnus may have lost his memories, but he still should know where his office was. It was also quite strange that he just showed up at the institute, even when he did have his memories he never just showed up without warning.

"I don't know, that's why I asked you." Jace replied, looking in the direction of the door, as if expecting him to walk in at any minute.

Alec quickly unlocked his tablet and searched through the institutes security cameras, Jace was now standing over his shoulder, trying to help him search the footage. When they spotted him, they both gasped at the sight - Magnus was standing by the institutes holding cell.

"Shit." Alec muttered before running out of his office.

Magnus stepped closer to the glass cell, his eyes scanning everything in it, trying to imagine himself there, trying to surface the false memories Asmodeus planted in his mind. The more he focused on all the details of the cell in front of him, and tried to imagine it all happening right now, the more the images in his mind became clearer.

He was so focused, he was completely unaware of his surroundings, and hadn't noticed when Alec walked into the room. Magnus did not hear Alec call his name, all he heard were the voices in his false memories. He closed his eyes and placed his hand on his head, sending sparks of his magic out his fingers, willing them to latch onto the memories.

Magnus! What are you doing?" Alec shouted, he tried to come closer, but as Magnus pulled his hands back, his false memories spread out in front of him with a force that sent Alec flying back.

Magnus watched for a moment as his false memories flashed before him, preparing a ball of magic in his palm. Alec watched in horror as a fake him tortured Magnus, looked at him with eyes filled with hate, forced Magnus to go to Edom, caused him pain. Seeing it all in front of him, in that moment, he had more of an understanding of what Magnus had to endure that whole time.

"Magnus, please stop, it's dangerous." Alec pleaded, forcing himself to look away from the memories, it was too painful to watch. But Magnus was in his own world, he lifted his hand and thrusted the magic ball at the screen of memories. Alec rushed to his side as the memories vanished into oblivion, he reached Magnus just as he began to collapse, and caught him right before he could hit the floor.