~ A few weeks later ~

Thor startled awake in the middle of the night with his own heavy breath rumbling in his ears and the hot sweat of a nightmare slowly cooling on his face, neck and torso. He had been back in Hela's lair again, fighting her for the life of his brother, and she had glared at him with her icy blue stare before her face had transformed into that of Thanos and then that of Nemesis and then that of his father and back again, their voices screeching at him all at once in an ear-splintering cacophony—You do not have what it takes to be a God! How many nights have you spent in agony, wishing you had aimed for my head? You do not have what it takes to be a King of Asgard! You are unworthy of the loved ones you have betrayed! Convince me, son of Odin, whom the Norns once prophesied to become the greatest of the Aesir! No, you are unworthy! You barely have what it takes to be a man!—and he had seen himself, small and vulnerable and helpless and unable to move, unable to speak, unable to save Loki's or anyone else's life, and he had seen the mortals he had sworn to protect disintegrate into piles of ashes before his very eyes. It really hurts to be in your company right now … You gave us all hope … You gave us something to believe in but then you betrayed us to that evil creature … Our lives mean nothing to you … We should have left your sorry ass rotting in space … How could you do this to us … You are an Avenger!

The God of Thunder forced a few deep breaths into his lungs in an attempt to remind himself that he was back in his chambers on Asgard and that they had, against all odds, accomplished their mission. That he had made reparations for his mistakes. That his friends had forgiven him and had agreed not to speak of his reckless bargain to those who had returned. That Frigga still believed in him and in Loki, and that everything had meant to happen this way. And, most important of all, that the people yelling at him in his nightmares were either dead or far, far out of reach.

Yes, everything would be fine. Thor knew that. His subconscious merely needed time to process the rapid succession of events that had unfolded after Odin's death, that was all, and he was sure that his mind would heal itself given time.

No, Thor was not overly worried about his own psyche. He was worried about Loki's psyche.

Loki seemed fine, yes. During the past weeks, they had busied themselves with forging new treaties with Jotunheim and reestablishing Asgard's old alliances with Nidavellir, Alfheim and Vanaheim. Apart from that, Loki had set his mind on the task to ensure the safety of the Infinity Stones after the Avengers had surprisingly and swiftly agreed—or maybe not so surprisingly considering the fact that their whole world had toppled down after the gems had turned up—that their safest bet to prevent intergalactic wars in the future was to keep the stones safely stowed away on the Realm Eternal.

His brother had spent entire days in the Hall of Yggdrasil from dusk until dawn, familiarizing himself with the sheer limitless powers of the Odinforce, his thoughts preoccupied with the task of creating a magical barrier for the stones that would be impervious. Loki was concentrating his energies on wielding sorcery in a way he had never done before, not even as a youth, keeping himself even more secluded, leaving the traditional feasts held after diplomatic gatherings early to brood over ancient spells in ancient books.

Thor knew that this was, in and of itself, a good thing. Loki's mind was not like his. After all the agony and terror he had suffered through, Loki's mind would probably never fully heal itself. Loki's mind was haunted and restless, and it would never stop racing, not even now, Thor knew that, and he knew that Loki needed to keep it occupied so that it would not turn against him once more. At the same time, however, he had to make sure that Loki did not keep himself too distracted, because his little brother had a tendency to banish disturbing emotions to an inaccessible place at the bottom of his subconscious where they festered until their poisonous fumes wafted into his conscious thinking again.

Now that Thor too was more susceptible to the Odinforce and the magic pulsating through the veins of Asgard after their joint snap, he could sometimes sense mental disturbances in the signature of Loki's glamour as if their minds had miraculously connected and this night was such a time. He struggled out of bed and into a tunic, and went in search of his brother. He did not find him in his chambers, the library, or the Hall of Yggdrasil, and he was about to give up when he sensed wisps of his brother's signature wafting through the air. He followed the trail and felt a stab inside his chest when he realized that they had led him to the doors of the chambers of their mother, which they had left untouched in unspoken agreement.

Thor knocked softly and pushed the doors open when no response came. The chambers were unlit but he could see Loki's dark silhouette standing on the step to the balcony.

"Can't sleep?" Thor asked softly.

Loki turned around, wiping his nose with the back of his hand, and met his gaze with reddened eyes. "I was just … well, never mind," he whispered, his voice lapsing into silence.

"Having nightmares?" Thor asked as he cautiously stepped closer. "Me too."

Loki gave a nod, collecting himself with the greatest of efforts.

"You want to talk?" It was a ridiculous question—Loki would rather swallow a jar full of mud than to talk about his feelings—but Thor knew he needed to try.

Loki sucked in a sharp breath and surprised him. "Hela," he whispered, his breath coming heavy when he continued. "She showed me images of mother's corpse and even though I know that she is safe in Valhalla and that she has forgiven me, us, I just … can't seem to forget."

Thor stretched out his hand to comfort him but Loki jerked away, a listless smile appearing on his lips. "What a fine pair of kings we make," he jested but Thor knew that Loki's heart was not in it. "Tormented by nightmares of our failures."

"Yeah." The God of Thunder glanced around Frigga's chambers, his mind filling with memories of his mother brushing her hair by the dressing table and telling them stories when they were young, balancing them on her knees, cradling them to her chest and pressing them against her heart—a heart which was only beating for them. He gulped when he remembered the comforting warmth of her body reassuring them that nothing bad could ever happen as long as she lived to protect them. "Did you," Thor began and then harrumphed before he found the strength inside of him to voice the question he had yearned to ask his brother ever since they had returned. "Did you try to bring her back?"

"No," Loki whispered and the flicker of raw, unguarded pain in his eyes told Thor that not attempting to restore her soul along with those of Heimdall and the remaining Asgardians was the hardest and most selfless thing his little brother had ever done. He himself had been devastated by his mother's death, yes, but he had never needed Frigga as much as Loki had. He had never ventured into her chambers during a sleepless night to …

"She told me not to," Loki went on. "I mean, she did not precisely tell me not to but she said that it was our time now and I did not dare to …" His voice trailed off once more.

Thor gulped and a silence crept over them.

"It feels odd, doesn't it?" Loki asked into it. "Being back here without them? With no guidance and no supervision?"

"It sure does," said Thor and then resorted to humor. "We should take the chance to do some remodeling around here, you know. To make the whole place less … swanky."

The use of the adjective stirred something awake inside of him as a laugh escaped Loki's lips. "As long as we keep some of the gold."

"Look, I want to apologize," Thor blurted out before his mind caught onto what his mouth was doing. The realization had been whirling through his head for a few days, developing in those unsettling pre-linguistic stages of awareness, but now it urged to be spoken.

Loki's eyebrows hiked up. "What for?" A sly grin tugged at the corners of his lips. "Well, it is not as if you do not have plenty of apologies to make, isn't it, so let me rephrase that: What for, exactly?"

"There's always been this grave imbalance of power between us," Thor began with a soft smile, then corrected himself. "I mean, not anymore, I hope, but earlier. When we were young. I never paid attention to this but I'm slowly beginning to understand how it must have been for you growing up. I was always sure you'd imagined father's slights but I was clearly at an advantage with my strength and my physique and probably also with being the firstborn son. I understand now that there wasn't much you could have done to prove yourself in my shadow and that this must have been frustrating. Well, maddening, really."

Loki's mouth gaped open in surprise.

"And while it isn't my fault that I was born this way, I shouldn't have displayed my prowess so ostentatiously, rubbing my strength in everyone's face, be they friend or foe. That was presumptuous, unnecessary and surely hurtful and want to I apologize for never even once considering how my overbearing arrogance made you feel."

Loki smiled melancholically. "I do not know what charm you are under but thank you."

"How about you?" Thor asked carefully and, just like that, Loki's smile died. "You should not apologize only because you expect an apology in return. Interpersonal interaction is not a transaction, you know."

"That is not the reason I apologized," Thor protested. "But I still nurtured a tiny hope that after how far we have come lately that you too might want to offer me an apology or two."

Loki stared absentmindedly into the starry night that stretched out seemingly infinitely behind the balcony and he was silent for so long that Thor mentally prepared to leave. "How about answers instead?" Loki finally asked before he looked his brother straight in the eye with a smile that was almost shy. "You can ask me anything and I promise that I will not lie to you. Not tonight."

Thor raised an eyebrow. "Is there a catch?"

Loki shook his head. "No catch. Not tonight. I owe you this much."

"Let's start at the beginning then," said Thor as he stepped out onto the balcony and hesitantly sat on one of the two stone benches as if he expected Loki to tell him not to get too comfortable. When he did not, Thor leaned his back against the wall behind him. There was so much he wanted to ask his brother, so much he wanted to know about what Thanos and Hela had done to him and what he could have done to prevent any of it, but he forced himself to ask one question at a time.

"The beginning of what?" Loki was looking at him expectantly. "Time? The universe?"

"Unfortunate choice of words, really. What I meant was, well, let's start at the point where we stopped being brothers," Thor said softly and he could see, well, sense rather, that his words pained Loki as much as they pained him. "Why did you thwart my coronation and, if you did not intend to cause my banishment to Earth, why did you convince me to march into Jotunheim?"

Loki's body tensed but he swiftly calmed himself with a deep breath. "You did neither deserve nor were you fit to be king back then. You just admitted yourself how arrogant you were. On top of that, you were reckless and war-hungry. The throne would have suited you ill and father should have known this. He should have waited a little longer to crown you king but since he was unwilling to do that, I intervened."

"Not to interrupt you," said Thor, "but Nemesis told me that he did that because he sensed that his reign was coming to an end and that this realization plunged him into insanity and despair."

"A plea for insanity," Loki remarked pointedly. "How utterly convenient."

Thor laughed and Loki's face softened with a smile. "Why he did it is not relevant to the question, though. What is important is that I, believe it or not, was at least partly thinking of what Asgard needed from its king and what it needed was nothing your younger self was capable of offering. So, yes, I traveled the secret pathways between the realms, devised a plot with Laufey and opened a portal during your coronation to let—"

"Just to make sure," Thor cut in once more, unable to stop himself, "you decided to avert my coronation because you were worried about me not being able to protect Asgard due to my recklessness but still chose to sneak a group of Frost Gi—Jotuns into the Royal Palace to achieve your goal?"

"A bold, rather swashbuckling scheme, I give you that," Loki admitted with a sleek smile as he finally sat down on the bench opposite from Thor. "But it fulfilled its purpose. I knew how you would react to them breaching our borders and, let's be honest here, you did not disappoint. You marched into Jotunheim, blatantly ignoring father's laws because you were dying to prove yourself worthy of his esteem. But I told you already and I will tell you again, I had no idea he would banish you for your transgressions and I swear it was never my intention."

Thor frowned. "What was your intention?"

"I wanted father to be sorely disappointed," replied Loki, his words quiet and meaningful. "I wanted him to doubt you and your greatness and to look at you, day after day, with the same kind of disappointment and contemptuousness with which he was looking at me."

Thor gulped and his voice did not carry when he asked, "Did you want him to make you king in my stead?"

"No," said Loki. "But I wanted him to consider the possibility that I might be a better successor to the throne than you."

"So, in terms of percentage, how much did you think of Asgard's welfare when you devised that plan?" Thor asked, resorting to the disarming powers of humor once more.

"Twenty," Loki replied without pause, a mischievous smile plucking at his lips. "Twenty-two maybe."

"I guess I do understand," Thor admitted softly. A thousand questions tumbled into his mind and his tongue itched to ask them all at once but, again, he forced himself to proceed slowly. It was such a rare occurrence that Loki opened up to him like this and he knew he had better not overwhelm him with questions about this emotionally disturbing period of his life. "What happened after he banished me? How did you find out about your lineage?"

"I realized on Jotunheim that something was amiss," Loki said. "I still remember Volstagg's cry cautioning us against the frostbites. Don't let them touch you! When one of them approached me, I tried to duck away to avoid the impact, but he was faster and grabbed my arm." Loki lowered his gaze. "But there was no pain, no burn. There was a surge of energy instead and then nothing but coldness when my arm turned blue."

Thor felt his forehead twist with compassion.

"At first I thought it had to do with my magic," Loki continued in a trembling whisper. "I thought maybe a spell I had been experimenting with made me impervious to their powers or allowed me to duplicate them or …" His voice trailed off. "I was desperate to believe it. But after you were gone, I went into the vault to study the Casket of Ancient Winters and as soon as I touched it, the coldness spread through my entire body and I … Well, I suppose I realized that I truly was different."

"I'm sorry," Thor squeezed out.

"Father followed me into the vault," Loki went on and a sad smile shadowed his face. "He had almost depleted the Odinforce. He was weak and so … troubled. I had wanted him to be devastated by your truculence but seeing how it affected him, well, I did not quite feel the satisfaction I had hoped for. He was in so much pain. Your banishment caused him a lot of suffering. He did love you, brother." His breath hitched. "He loved you so much."

Thor felt tears stinging his eyes. "I know you don't want to hear this but I am still certain he loved you too. In his own abusive, completely messed-up way."

"I like to think now that he might have followed me into the vault to tell me that I was to be king in his stead for as long as he would remain in Odinsleep," Loki conceded, "but I never gave him the chance to explain himself." He snorted. "Not that it matters anymore. I confronted him about my true lineage and he told me the truth. Not all of it, I am sure, but he did tell me I was Laufey's son and during the ensuing altercation, he succumbed to his grief and fell into the Odinsleep."

"How utterly convenient," Thor repeated his brother's earlier words and they both laughed as if they were once again two little children giggling at their parents' peculiarities. "And, I suppose, with father being in Odinsleep and me being banished, the line of succession did fall to you?"

Loki gave a nod.

"And what then?" Thor asked carefully. "Why didn't you end my banishment? Why did you come to Midgard instead and told me that father had died? Why did you sent the Destroyer to kill me to make sure I wouldn't return?"

"My first command as king of Asgard could have hardly been to undo the Allfather's last," Loki said but it sounded far too practiced to be the truth he had promised him. "Mother said there must have been a purpose to your banishment and I was not going to risk father waking up to me having foiled that purpose."

"I understand," said Thor and he did. He truly did. "Everything you have told me so far makes sense but killing me? The Destroyer killed me, Loki. Why? There is nothing to justify such hostility. I know I have wronged you but I have not wronged you enough to cause this."

Loki remained silent for a while before he replied and when he did, a soft growl had crept into his voice. "As far as the Asgardians were concerned, I was the rightful successor to the throne. No law was broken, no scheme concocted. Father was lying helpless. You were in exile. Mother proclaimed me king. I had every right to rule Asgard and nobody should have doubted me."

Finally, Thor began to understand. "Who doubted it?"

"Who do you think?"

The answer came without thinking. "Sif."

"Sif and your precious friends, yes," Loki confirmed. "I was sitting on the throne as their king, telling them I could not possibly revoke Odin's commands, physically towering above them in fact, but still she looked down on me."

"So, something inside you just … snapped?" Thor whispered.

"I suppose so," Loki replied curtly and they lapsed into silence for a long while.

"I guess in a weird way it does make sense," Thor finally said and just like that, everything was clicking into place. "There's this side of you that appeared sometimes when you channeled all your anger, self-hatred and shame into hating me and every time that happened, your entire personality changed. Your eyes changed, your voice did too, and, suddenly, you weren't Loki anymore. I think it makes sense that it appeared for the first time when you had just found out that you weren't Odin's trueborn son, which must have made you believe that you did not really have a right to sit on that throne even though nobody knew it and everyone should have thought you did. But Sif and the others confirmed your silent suspicions by making it clear they would rather commit treason to bring me back than to see you rule Asgard in my absence."

Loki had buried his face in his hands. "I can't believe you are so perceptive and yet so dumb at the same time."

Thor snorted a laugh. "Thank you. I guess?"

"This side, this voice, has been there long before this," Loki whispered, surprising them both with his honesty. "I have never spoken of this to anyone but this voice … It has been there for as long as I can remember but, suddenly, it just … took over."

"And before we had chance to work things out, you let go and fell into the void," Thor continued quietly and then gathered his strength for a few breaths to ask the next question. "What exactly did the voice tell you?"

Loki looked up and Thor saw the painful truth lurking in his brother's teary eyes. "That I must kill you," Loki whispered, "before you kill me."

Thor's heart leaped into his throat and he jolted upright. "Wh-what?"

"It told me that you would slay me for the monster I am," said Loki, his face a grimace of pain. "That I must, well, beat you to it."

Thor swallowed. "Loki, I wouldn't …" His voice broke. "I would never have—"

"I know," Loki breathed out, his lips breaking into a weak smile. "I know that now."

Thor nodded and waited for his heart to calm down. "Is that voice still there?" he asked after a few moments, yearning for the answer and dreading it all the same.

"It is," Loki replied. He rose and walked to the balcony rail. "It will always be. But I think I am slowly learning to live with it."

Thor smiled up at him. "So, no more trying to kill me in the future?" he asked, half-seriously, half-jokingly.

Loki smiled back, the flicker of humor returning to his eyes. "Not for a while, no."

Thor stood up, raised his arm and pulled Loki into a side-hug, gazing out into the stars. "I can feel her watching us," he whispered.

"Yeah." Loki gave a nod. "She is proud of us."

"Will you be okay, brother?" Thor asked hesitantly when he remembered how Loki had told him that he had lost so many pieces of his mind here and there over the years that he could not be sure if there were enough pieces left to stay sane.

"Not immediately, no," whispered Loki. "Maybe not ever." He lifted his gaze and looked at him. "But I cannot lose hope that I will be." He paused and the shadow of a smile ghosted his lips when he saw the worry flashing in the Thundergod's eyes. "Hey, at least, I am home. Home with my brother."

Thor squeezed his shoulders once more and they stood there for a good long while, enshrouded in the comforting silence of the night.

~ The End ~

Notes:

Alriiiiight, *deep breath* this is the end. I clearly remember when I said I wanted this finished before Endgame came out. Lmao, yeah. Almost a year later, it is, however, finally finished and I'd like to say a few words.

1) After Thor figured out everything that had happened with Thanos and the Mind Stone to turn Loki against him and himself and basically everything and everyone, I always wanted a scene in this fic where they would talk about what had happened before that. Parts of this conversation have been sitting in my drafts folder since last summer when the idea came to me during a bike ride and I wrote it down after I returned home. And yes, not everything is going to be smiles and sunshine in the future for them. They still have a lot of stuff to figure out and that is probably best illustrated by the fact that Thor tells Loki that he hopes there is no imbalance of power between them anymore while being simultaneously, subconsciously, convinced that he still needs to save him from himself somehow. But hey, they have each other back and that's all that matters … Right? I would say that I am sorry that this story ended on a slightly angsty note but I am not truly sorry because this is who they are and that is what their relationship is like and it has brought me so much joy and so much insights into myself to write it out in a story as huge as this.
2) And this is waaaaay more important: Thanks to everyone who followed, favorited and reviewed this monstrosity of a fic, both on here and on Twitter. I appreciated all your love and your feedback and your constructive criticism. Special thanks and credit goes to Akira for inspiring me and developing ideas with me (Loki's conversation with Frigga being the one scenario that comes to my mind immediately but there were so much more and I am truly thankful for all of them) and to Ravenleaf for telling me how much my writing means to her and how it touches people's souls. Not to be dramatic or anything but I don't think that I would have finished this fic without the encouragement I received from both of you and I am grateful for that. Truly grateful.
3) See you all soon on another story, maybe. And if you are reading this after I have marked this story as being complete, I would still appreciate a review, even if it is just one sentence that tells me whether or not you liked it.
4) As an epilogue, I have what was written in the "Book of Nemesis" as a bonus for you to enjoy.

I'm sending you all much love and wishing you good luck with all of your future writing projects xoxo