Chapter 19 - Truths Behind lies

Alec had been tossing and turning the whole night, his mind over working and over thinking his fight with Magnus. Playing and replaying it in his mind, trying to remember and go over every single word said, all the words that had not been said and should have, the horrible and terribly wrong ways he reacted - all the excruciating details of it all.

He knew that he was being unfair, he cringed at the thought of all the horrible things he had said to Magnus, he hated himself for hurting him yet again. But on the other hand, he was also hurt and despite his tendency to put everyone else's feelings ahead of himself, this once, he thought only of his own pain.

He was the one who had to feel guilty about Magnus losing his magic for him, he was the one who had to watch his downwards spiral as the pain of losing his magic consumed him - twice, and he was the one who had to make a deal with Asmodeus, and lose the love of his life, then watch him hate him and treat him like he was causing him harm.

Yes, Alec is well aware of how petty and pathetic he sounds as all those thoughts run wild and free in the confines his mind, he knew he needed to get over himself and fix things.

But it's easier said than done.

He had gotten up a few times during the night, got dressed and even walked as far as the Institutes main doors once, with the full intention of going to see Magnus, bang on his door despite the late - or early, depending on how you look at it (and on which one of the times he was going to go) - hour.

Yet he could not bring himself to go through with it, he knew it would do no good, probably just make it worse. They both needed to cool down a bit, and ruining Magnus' beauty sleep - which is super important to him - will do no one any favors.

And god how he missed him, and how he hated sleeping without him. Going back to sleeping on his own after their couple of reunited nights together, was extremely difficult. And that's beside the face that Magnus' bed was way more comfortable than the one he had in his room at the institute.

And damn those heavenly soft silk sheets.

When had he become so spoiled, he actually felt like he needed silk sheets for a proper night's sleep.

So Alec tried to sneak out in the morning, intending on having breakfast with Magnus and fixing everything. But walking the halls of the institute as it's head, is like trying to swim in shark infested waters with an open bleeding wound.

He got stopped several times, and ended up burning so much time, he didn't only not get to eat breakfast with Magnus, he didn't get to eat breakfast at all, as he needed to hurry to his morning meetings.

He spent those meetings planning in his head how he was going to try and sneak out again for lunch, but once the time came, all his plans went flying out the window yet again.

Alec sighed in frustration and pinched the bridge of his nose when he heard a knock on his office door. He waited a long moment to see if whoever it was would go away, but when another knock came, he had no choice but to call in whoever it was, already bidding goodbye to his plans of seeing Magnus.

Underhill hesitantly opened the door and took a step towards Alec, who was sitting behind his desk, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you during your lunch break," he began, careful with his words due to the annoyed look on his boss' face, "but I have a few security reports that I need you to go over, and they're kind of urgent."

Alec sighed and took it as a sign, he waved his head of security further into his office, and silently motioned for him to take a seat at his desk, across from him.

Underhill handed over the reports and pointed out a few mistakes that were made, and needed to be fixed before they were sent off to the clave.

After going over them together and making the appropriate adjustments and changes, Underhill made to get up and take his leave.

"Underhill, wait," Alec said, as he motioned for him to sit back down, "I wanted to apologise again for the other night - "

"Already forgotten." Underhill assured him with a smile.

"I still feel really bad, it was extremely unprofessional of me, and it should not have happened." Alec insisted, "So again, I am very sorry, it was impulsive and selfish, I should not have done that, it was unfair to you."

"Sir, please, it is fine." Underhill insisted, keeping up his smile, "It's not as if I suffered, it was actually very flattering."

"Oh, okay." was all Alec could think to say, he definitely did not know how to respond to that, and was even more confused and concerned about the significance and meaning behind his words.

Magnus was the only man he had ever been with, in every sense of the word and in every way, it was strange and unnerving to have that conversation with someone else, to think that Magnus was no longer the only man he kissed. That there was now another man, who was in someway showing some kind of interest.

It made him sick to his stomach.

Alec had never even considered the idea, or the all possibilities that were outside, he had never wanted anyone else, let alone be without Magnus, especially being without Magnus.

And that wasn't going to change. Ever.

"Magnus is a lucky man, I hope he knows that." Underhill told him, his tone becoming more nervous, but when he saw the expression on Alec's face he quickly added, rambling, "Oh god no! No, sorry, that came out wrong, and completely inappropriate, so sorry, definitely not trying to steal you away from Magnus, or insinuate that he doesn't appreciate you."

Alec let out a nervous laugh and waved the whole thing away, desperate to get out of the awkward situation, end the conversation and move on as if it never happened, "Don't worry about it, let's call it even."

The tension was thick in the air between them, as Underhill smiled at him appreciatively, and Alec forced himself to smile back, as sincere as he could muster, then just at that moment - out of all moments possible, Magnus walked through the office door, without knocking.

He froze a few steps into the office, and the small smile he wore when he entered, completely vanished.

"Oh." Magnus' voice just on that one syllable was laden with disappointment and regret, "sorry, I thought you were on your lunch break, I didn't -" Magnus pointed behind him at the door, "I didn't mean to barge in, I'm sorry, I um - I should have called, or texted, I should…" Magnus stammered, his voice slowly lowering to a whisper, then trailing off.

Alec never thought he would see the day where Magnus would be a babbling mess, so completely lacking in his usual over the top confidence. It was terribly gut-wrenching to watch, and he hated it, and he hated that he was mostly at fault for it.

He hated the look in his warlocks eyes even more - so uncomfortable and out of place, and all Alec wanted to do was wrap him tight in his arms and assure him, that as long as Alec was there, he belongs just as much as any shadowhunter at the institute.

Alec stood quickly, and smiled warmly at him, trying to show him that he wasn't intruding in any way, in fact, it was even quite a welcome disruption, but Magnus was already backing up and waving for him to sit back down, "don't, it's okay, I should um - I'll just… go."

With that, he spun on his heels, and left the office, pinching his right brow, with a small force, on the verge of painful. He bit his bottom lip and took deep breaths, willing the lump in his throat to ease off.

At least until he left the building and got far enough away.

God, he felt so stupid, and even more foolish for taking it so hard. Why did it feel so personal, like a stab in the gut? Maybe because he expected Alec to make some time to see him after their fight, maybe he expected him to seem a little sadder, not smiling and laughing with the hot blonde guy.

Did it not bother Alec that they fought? That they were not okay… that Magnus was hurting. It was the worst night he had ever since the whole mess had begun, he couldn't sleep without the warm shadowhunter beside him, without knowing that everything will be okay.

That they will be okay.

He kept reenacting their fight in his mind, playing around with different scenarios and ways he could have, and should have reacted. It was the worst kind of 'what if' game there was, torturing his mind into madness.

But seeing Alec so calm and relaxed, going about his day as usual, as if nothing, it was like a stab to his gut.

But maybe he was the one who was being unreasonable, maybe he was over thinking it all, exaggerating and blowing it up bigger than it was, or at least more than Alec apparently was.

Maybe Alec just came to the realisation that he was not worth it, not his time and not the stress and pain that came with these kind of arguments. After all, he has been known to be a burden on past relationships, either by overbearing and just being his usual exaggerated self, or by just not being enough, despite it all.

Or just not worth it.

And the worst part of it all, was that he could not remember what they had before he lost his memories, he did not know what they were like and what things have been like between them. Maybe before he had been suppressing himself, and that was the only reason Alec stayed with him. Perhaps now he is seeing the real him, and not liking what Magnus has to give.

Perhaps the version of himself that Alec was now getting was not what he wanted. He had told Magnus that he loved every version of him, but maybe he was just lying so he didn't hurt his feelings, or he did feel that way but not anymore.

They say every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. So if Alec had "lied" and told him that he lost his spark, perhaps it was less of a lie than either of them thought.

Perhaps there was more truth behind it than he wanted to believe.

"Magnus, wait up!" Alec's voice arose behind him, he could also hear his quick steps, his feet almost jogging to catch up to him, but Magnus' pace did not falter, despite being initially startled.

"Hey, please, wait." Alec called again, picking up his pace.

Magnus stopped abruptly and took a deep breath bracing himself. Alec was not expecting him to stop so suddenly, and bumped into him, almost knocking him off his feet.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry Magnus." Alec said in a worried tone, managing to catch him before he fell, he grabbed onto his shoulders, scanning him to make sure he was okay.

Magnus kept his head bowed, despite knowing that Alec was trying to catch his eyes. He stepped back and out of Alec's hold, "Don't worry about it. You should get back to your… I should let you get back to work." Magnus mumbled, trying hard to keep his voice steady, "I'm just gonna - I'll go now."

Alec's hands quickly reached Magnus as he began to turn, and stopped him in his tracks, "Hey, Magnus, please don't go." he said softly, as his hand lifted Magnus' head by his chin.

"But you're busy, it's fine."

"No, I'm not, I want you to stay." Alec insisted, his hand sliding down Magnus' shoulder and arm, then held onto his hand, and stroked the back of it with his thumb, "I know we had a fight, and we said some things, but that never means I am too busy to make time for you."

"Well, it looked like I was intruding, so…" Magnus' voice trailed off as the bitterness grew in his stomach.

"Magnus, you could never - " Alec began but was quickly cut off by Magnus.

"Oh, I beg to differ." Magnus snapped, his voice lacking any emotion, or perhaps over loaded with them, and it was too difficult to decipher between them, "I mean, the tension was clear, and it seemed that you were enjoying his company. After all, you did kiss him, so it makes perfect sense."

Alec's eyes grew wide and he quickly opened his mouth to respond, but his mind went blank, or maybe there were too many things he needed to say, too many to make sense of. He was completely astonished to even think that Magnus would ever believe such a thing, and even more disturbed by the thought that he could ever choose Underhill over him.

"Magnus, no, I don't - I would never even... " Alec stammered, finding it too difficult to put together a string of words, "Look, can we please go back to my office and talk about this away from the prying eyes and ears around us?"

Magnus just shrugged and followed him silently, as Alec lead them to his office, which Underhill had thankfully vacated.

"Alec, it's fine, you don't have to explain, I understand." Magnus spoke as soon as they entered the office, trying to keep a brave face, as Alec closed the door behind them.

Alec turned to him and raised his eyebrows, he took a few steps forward and then crossed his arms, "and what is it exactly you think you understand?" he questioned, allowing Magnus to voice his ridiculous notion.

"I understand why you would prefer to be with him, I mean, it would be so much easier." Magnus explained, speaking slowly, because it's the only pace the lump in his throat allowed him without making him choke. "You're life would be so much easier."

It was a strange and disturbing feeling, one neither of them wanted to feel - having Magnus try and convince Alec why Underhill was the safer and better choice for him, it was wrong on every level imaginable.

Magnus was clearly trying to be the voice of reason, but that reason was definitely not wanted or needed.

"Are you crazy? How could you ever think I would want that?" Alec asked, but spoke again without waiting for Magnus' response, "Magnus, I don't care how much easier it would be, I don't want to be with him. In fact, I don't want to be with anyone who isn't you."

Alec slowly made his way closer to Magnus, and when they were just a step away he cautiously placed his hand on the back of his neck, then began to stroke the soft skin under his ear with his thumb.

Magnus took a deep breath and closed his eyes, he leaned into Alec's touch, losing himself for a moment. But then he shook his head abruptly, trying to shake up his emotions, refusing to get lost in Alec. he took a step back, out of Alec's reach and looked down at the floor.

"But what you said, that I lost my spark, that can't be nothing," Magnus stubbornly insisted, "You said that it wasn't fixable, I wasn't enough without my magic." Magnus' voice finally betrayed him, and broke at his last few words, becoming weak.

Alec watched him and tried to adjust quickly to the change of subject, and slowly realised that in Magnus' mind it all connected together, and perhaps to him there was no change of subject, it was merely another reason and proof to his previous argument.

"Magnus, no, I told you why I said those things, it wasn't true." Alec spoke softly, trying again to come closer to Magnus, but the warlock just stepped away from him again.

Magnus cleared his throat, and when he spoke, his voice had become steadier, "There is always some truth behind every lie."

"There was absolutely no truth behind it," Alec isisted, his voice strict and stern, then it became softer as he continued, "I'm so sorry I said those things, maybe I should have used other words, but there was no good way to do what had to be done, I need you to believe me when I tell you that the last thing I wanted to do was break your heart."

"I lost my magic for you, and you left me because of it," Magnus spoke as if he had not heard Alec's word, too stuck in his own head, "last night, you said that you never asked me to give it up, so you clearly don't care."

Alec took a deep breath and shut his eyes as he rubbed them with his hand, then he dropped his hand to his side and looked at Magnus with piercing eyes, the determination clear, "I was upset and caught up in my anger last night, and I never should have said that." he spoke slowly, keeping his eyes on Magnus, making sure he was listening.

"What I should have said, was that was the kindest and most courageous thing anyone has ever done for me, and I will forever be grateful for it, it was selfless and I would have never have asked you to do that, because I would never want you to lose a part of yourself for me." Alec stepped closer yet again and placed both his hands on either side of Magnus' neck, looking deep into his watering eyes.

"Magnus, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me, magic or not, and I will spend as much time as needed reminding you of that, and proving it to you, showing you just how much I love you and care about you."

Alec paused for a moment and just watched Magnus, who silently gazed back at him, his tears now spilling down his cheeks, his walls slowly coming back down.

Alec brushed away the tears with his thumbs, then pulled him to sit on the couch, before he continued to speak.

"The night before I went to Asmodeus, I prepared dinner for us on the institutes balcony. You showed up drunk and you just completely broke down, you were devastated without your magic, and I hated seeing you that way, and even more that I was the cause of it," Alec spoke gently as he held onto Magnus' hand, "and if I'm really honest, I also felt like I wasn't enough for you, that the only way for you to be whole again, to be truly happy, was to get you your magic back."

"Alec I-" Magnus began, not sure what he was supposed to say, but Alec cut him off, raising his other hand that wasn't holding his.

"Wait, let me finish," Alec insisted gently, "I wanted to fix it, I was willing to do anything for you, so when I took the deal, I really believed that you would be able to get over me, that as long as you had your magic, you would be fine, you would move on and forget about me."

"That's not true," Magnus spoke with certainty that surprised them both, "I would never choose my magic over you, and clearly I could not move on from you. I don't remember much, but I remember how painful the break up was for me."

"I knew it would hurt, but I was sure it would eventually go away." Alec insisted, bowing his head slightly.

"Alexander, part of remembering the pain of the breakup, also brought back what I felt in that moment, how much I loved you," Magnus smiled faintly as he spoke, finally allowing himself to fall back into Alec, "and even though my memories are still gone, I can now feel that love that I felt in that moment, an all consuming love, etched in every fiber of my being. There was no way it was going away."

Alec's head snapped back up at Magnus' words, he had not heard Magnus tell him he loved him in a long time, he was definitely not expecting for that feeling to come back so soon. "Wait, you remember how you felt about me?" he asked, his voice hopeful and excited.

"How I feel, yes."

Alec's grin grew impossibly wide before he pulled Magnus in closer and smashed their lips together, he kissed him with all the excitement that he felt, but then suddenly pulled away, "wait, is it okay? Is this okay?" he asked, scared that he overstepped.

But Magnus just chuckled and pulled him back in for a kiss. They were both smiling goofily, their teeth clicking together, but neither could care less.

Magnus pulled away a moment later, but remained close as his hand stroke Alecs cheek, "I'm sorry I ever made you feel that way," he spoke softly, "that you weren't enough."

Alec shook his head and leaned their foreheads together, "No, let's not think about the past anymore, let's start fresh."

"I like that." Magnus agreed, "but there is one more thing I think we need to talk about."

Alec raised a questioning eyebrow and Magnus reached into his pocket, pulling out the Lightwood family ring, "did my mother give that to you?"

"That night on the balcony," Magnus said, ignoring his question, "You were going to propose?" it was phrased as a question, but was more a statement than anything.

Alec nodded, smiling sheepishly.

"I'm sorry I ruined that night for you." Magnus said, "I'm sorry I ruined this for us."

"It's okay, you were hurting." Alec said, brushing it off, needing to move forwards, "perhaps it was for the best."

"Perhaps it was." Magnus looked down at the ring in his palm, then took Alecs hand and placed it in his, "You should have this back, I think that for now it's best that we focus on rebuilding us without that added pressure."

Alec nodded, silently agreeing.

Then a curious thought came to his mind, and he found himself speaking before he could stop the words from escaping his mouth, "Do you think you would have said yes?"

Magnus smiled fondly at him, and cocked his head to the side thoughtfully, "I'm not sure, but I don't think we should dwell on that too much," he spoke as a small pang of regret hit his gut, finding himself also yearning for what could have been, for what they had missed out on, all the time they had lost, "And I guess none of that matters right now, all we can do is just work back up to that."

"And we're not there yet?" Alec knew the answer, but he had to ask anyway, because despite how rocky their relationship was at the moment, despite all of their fights, he still knew what he wanted.

"Alexander, I may feel the love we have, but I cannot jump straight into that as if so much time hasn't been erased." Magnus said, trying to keep his words and voice as kind and gentle as possible, "I don't want to rush the future, when I can barely remember our past."

"Yeah, I get it." Alec nodded in agreement, he knew he couldn't push or rush things, even though for him nothing was erased. Neither could he hold it against Magnus, because despite everything he had gone through, he was still willing to try.

There was nothing Alec was certain of more, he knew without a shadow of a doubt how he felt about Magnus and wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with him, however long that may be. But if Magnus was not ready for that just yet, he was willing to wait for as much time as he needed, as long as he got to spend that time with Magnus, in any way he was ready for.

"I'm not going anywhere, and there is absolutely no rush." Alec assured his beautiful boyfriend, "we can take it slow."

"Thank you." Magnus smiled softly at him, leaning in to Alecs open arms, allowing the shadowhunter to pull him close and embrace him.

"How about a first date?" Alec asked against his skin, after kissing Magnus' temple, his lips lingering there for a long moment.

Magnus laughed lightly and looked up at him, remaining close, his head leaning against Alecs shoulder, "I didn't mean that slow." he said placing a kiss on Alecs shoulder, "we don't have to go back as far as a first date, perhaps… a fourth date?"

Alec laughed out loud and wrapped his arms tighter around his warlock, enjoying the pleased moan he elicited for him. "Fourth date it is."

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