Chapter 21 - I'll Show You Mine

Magnus is standing on the rooftop, staring out into the night sky. Waves of his blue magic pour out his palms and scan the air around him, searching for any shred or remnants of his memories. If he could just find a small spark, even if it is only one, perhaps he can pull it out and force it back into him, trigger something, anything to help him remember.

But so far there is nothing, no trace of his memories he had foolishly destroyed and sent to oblivion.

He tries again, and again, just like every night, refusing to give up.

Magnus growls in frustration when he fails yet again, and hits the wall with his magic, causing it to shake and crack. He is about to hit it again when his phone in his pants pocket begins to vibrate.

Alexander flashes on his screen.

He hates the way he hesitates, but he does and he cannot stop the dread that fills him, just like he cannot bring himself to answer the call. When the phone eventually stops vibrating, the call is added to the many missed ones he already has. Magnus frowns at the sight on his screen, the messages and voice calls he had missed, he hadn't even felt the vibration.

The warlock should be concerned about being so zoned out, but he is too consumed by the disappointment, the frustration, the failure.

When his phone vibrates again, he takes a deep breath which does nothing to calm his nerves, but he answers anyway, because he can't avoid him forever.

"Where the hell are you?" his shadowhunter asks as soon as he picks up the call, his words are lazer sharp, but more out of concern than anger, but that only makes Magnus feel worse. Alec is always too good to him, and he does not deserve the kindness he is inundated with, no matter the amount of time that passes, he still cannot fathom why and how he got so lucky.

Magnus pivots in his spot, looking around him as if the right answer is hiding somewhere in his radius, he shakes his head and shrugs, "I…" he begins, trying to decide in a moments notice whether to be honest or not, god knows Alec deserves honesty, always. And yet, "I'm with a client, it took longer than I thought," he lies so easily, "I'm sorry."

There is a moment of silence, where he can only hear his heartbeat and he wonders if Alec can hear it as well. "Okay, are you coming home soon?" Alec finally responds, and Magnus can't decipher whether he actually believes him, or if he just conceded. Either way, he knows it won't be for long.

Magnus has been wondering how long it would take, how much of his bullshit Alec was willing to put up with. If he could, Magnus would jump out his own skin and avoid it at all costs, so how could he not expect everyone around him, who unlike himself could actually avoid him, to endure his presence, which has probably become a bigger anusance lately.

God how much more pathetic could he get.

"I'm on my way now." Magnus promises, his voice weaker than he would've liked. He hangs up and takes one last look around and sighs. Then he opens a portal and goes home.

..

Alec is pacing back and forth in the entrance hall, trying desperately to calm his nerves and anger, because they will do no good in the conversation he knows he has to have with Magnus when he gets home. He has been avoiding it for long enough, it was time they start dealing with this properly.

Magnus used to portal himself directly into the apartment, but lately he has been portalling outside the building and walking up the stairs, then using his long neglected key (which to be honest, Alec was even surprised he had one) to open the door. And Alec can't help but wonder about the timing, if it was just a coincidence or was Alec moving in a trigger, because that is when it started.

Magnus walks in through the front door, he freezes when he sees Alec, and the fake smile he has plastered on his face, quickly vanishes. Alec can see that Magnus recognises the resolve in his eyes, they both know where this is going, but nonetheless, Alec can also see in his eyes the short moment of contemplation, as if the whole thing was salvageable and he can still do the Magnus thing, which is to avoid any conflict by pretending there is nothing wrong, where in reality, barely anything isn't wrong.

"Magnus." Alec warns him in a stern voice before the warlock can try faking, "please don't."

Magnus finally composes himself and shuts the door, plastering another smile on his face despite Alec's warning, "Look, I know I have been working hard lately, and that you don't like me coming home so late, but-" he begins to say as he takes off his coat, walking through the entrance to his drink cart.

But Alec cuts him off, "Is that what you think this is about?" he asks calmly, but in a harsh tone.

Magnus abandons the cart and turns back to the shadowhunter with an inquisitive raised brow, "is it not?" he asks, and the innocence in his voice slotted at Alec's last shred of patience.

Alec closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath, which does nothing to calm him down, so when Magnus offers him a drink, as if it would fix or help the screwed up situation they were in, he snaps.

"Would you just cut the crap out already?" the shadowhunter almost burns with his eyes, as he looks at Magnus, who is completely caught off guard.

"I - I'm… what?" Magnus stammers, as he desperately tries to fight for control over his brain, so he can come up with a proper response.

Alec immediately recognizes the fear his words revoked in Magnus, so he forces himself to calm down, as he steps closer to his warlock and grabs one of his hands between both of his, holding it close to his chest, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you." he says softly, "but Magnus, It's been a year, and I just feel like we keep taking steps backwards, this has got to end."

Magnus wishes he had gotten that drink in time, because his nerves were going crazy, and he just wasn't good at handling that. He hates how weak and broken he has become, he used to be Magnus fucking Bane, and now he just feels like a shell of that, if even.

He wants to tell Alec how broken he feels, how ashamed he is of what he did and how he tries with all his might to overcome it. He wants to tell him that he just doesn't feel like himself, and doesn't know how to get it back.

But it's also more than just himself, even scarier are his fears that Alec would miss sharing their memories together, because they can no longer reminisce, or have their shared past and all the perks that come with it - whether it's the private jokes, or the deep connection and knowledge of each other that was formed, and no longer exists… because of him. Magnus cannot prevent the deep aching sense that Alec would forever resent him, or miss those moments they can no longer have - no matter how many new memories they make.

But he can't bring himself to tell Alec all of that. He doesn't want to say those words out loud.

"I know, I'm sorry." Magnus finally responds, and he knows it's not the one Alec is looking for, but it is all he can give. Alec looks just as disappointed as Magnus expected him to be, so he averts his gaze, staring over Alec's shoulder, yet again avoiding conflict.

"Magnus, talk to me, please." Alec pleads, afraid of what will happen if Magnus won't open up to him. When there is no response, Alec continues, "I know it bothers you and I know it's why you avoid coming home at night." Magnus snaps his eyes up at Alec and finally opens his mouth to speak, most likely to deny Alec's words, but the shadowhunter stops him with a raised hand, "I don't know where you go, but I know that it's not to work."

"Alec, I have clients, most of them require house calls, of course I - " Magnus begins in an annoyingly light tone, but cuts himself short when Alec drops the hold he had on his hands, sighs and raises his hand in the air between them again.

"Seriously Magnus? You got to give me more credit than that." Alec says angrily, taking a step back, "stop lying to me and acting like nothing is wrong. We're going to have to talk about it at some point, we can't avoid it forever."

"I'm fine, Alexa-"

"No you're not."

"But I will be, I just need time." Magnus insists.

"It's been a year." Alec reminds him yet again, "I know we've had a lot of great moments, but we keep circling back to this, and I don't want to be sucked into this cycle anymore."

Magnus panics at those words, Alec can clearly see it in his eyes and in his frantic movements as he steps closer to Alec and cups his face, he can also hear it loud and clear as he speaks, "I'll do better, I promise." he says frantically, "We can move past this."

Alec tries to respond, because frankly, Magnus has gotten it all wrong, but the warlock pulls him forward and smashes their lips together, and Alec can't help but melt into it at first, allowing Magnus to distract him, until he manages to regain his control and push him away gently, "Magnus, it's not about that." Alec says, "It's not something you can or should do on your own."

"I won't, I promise." Alec recognises the emptiness in that promise, and when Magnus launches himself at him again, he stops him before he can connect their lips. "I will, I'll let you in, next time." Magnus sinsists before Alec can say anything, then he's pulling Alec against himself and capturing his lips in his.

There is something desperate and needy in his kiss, and despite the fact that Alec could never hate kissing his boyfriend, he hates those feelings he is pouring into it. The last thing Alec wants to do is cause any further hard feelings, by pushing Magnus away, but he knows that Magnus is trying to avoid the hard conversation they need to have by pushing for sex.

But Magnus is clutching at his shirt and kisses him so ferociously that he can't help but surrender for just a moment, allow them both that small escape to calm their nerves.

Before he knows it, Magnus is tugging at the hem of his shirt in an attempt to rid him of it, and so Alec tries to stop him again, as gently as he can, "Magnus, we need to talk." he says softly, "we can't keep deferring it."

"We will, but right now I just want you." Magnus says, kissing him again, "I need you."

"That's not the solution, it won't fix anything." Alec insists, and Magnus stops for a moment and looks at him with dark hooded eyes.

Magnus wraps his arms around Alecs neck and plays with the hairs on his nape, then leans in to kiss up the side of his neck, stopping when he reaches Alecs ear, "I want you to fuck me." Magnus whispers seductively, "I know you want it too, I know how much you love being inside me."

Alecs mind goes blank for a moment, because darn it, he does love that, and he wants it so bad. Magnus takes advantage of his moment of hesitation and pulls up his shirt, bending his back to kiss and lick at Alec's abs, making his brain blank out even more. Then, just as suddenly, Magnus is on his knees, tugging at Alec's belt and tries to open it with shaking hands.

Alec looks down at him, and he can see the complete panic and frantic state he is in, so he places both of his hands over Magnus' and stops his movements. But Magnus shoves them away and continues in his attempt to open the belt, cursing under his breath when it proves too difficult with his shaking and anxiety.

Before Alec can stop him again, Magnus lets go of the belt and leans his forehead on Alec's hip in despair, his shoulders slouching, and Alec can see the fight leaving him, "I'm sorry." Magnus finally murmurs.

Alec threads his fingers in Magnus' hair gently, then kneels down in front of him, cupping his neck in his hands, his thumbs stroking Magnus' cheeks, "we will get through this." he promises in confidence, his eyes staring straight into Magnus', "but to do that, you need to let me in, we need to talk about it, not avoid it or deflect it,"

"I just feel so weak." Magnus finally confesses, "I'm missing a huge part of who I used to be, and I only have myself to blame, and that makes me feel so weak and powerless."

"I know, but that cannot be further from the truth." Alec tells him.

"I wish I could remember, I really thought that they would come back to me." Magnus tries to avoid his gaze when he speaks, but Alec won't let him, "I really truly believed that I would retrieve them, and I've tried, I've been going to that roof where I destroyed them, I thought maybe I could find them there, but they really are gone for good."

They stay silent for a moment, then Alec sits back on his heels and pulls Magnus against his chest and embraces him. There is not much he could say to make it go away or even just make it better, but he hopes he could at least convey with his tight hold, that he is there with him all the way, that he is not letting go.

"I never wanted to disappoint you." Magnus whispered finally, his head against Alec's chest and hand clutching at his shirt, "that is what I fear most."

"I'm only disappointed when you don't share with me, I want to help you get through this." Alec tells him, placing a kiss on the top of his head.

"It's just, it may be my memories missing, but that just means you no longer have anyone to share yours with, they are just empty -" Magnus began but was yet again cut off.

"No, Magnus, please don't do that." Alec says harshly, not out of anger, but because he knows how self deprecating Magnus can be, and he knows that tone is necessary to prevent it, "I would never see it like that, and you shouldn't either."

"You say that, but-"

"What if I showed you mine?" Alec suggests suddenly, as if it were that simple.

"What do you mean?" Magnus asks, leaning back to look up at Alec.

"I mean, you can look into my mind and see those memories through me." Alec clarifies, "I know it's not exactly the same, but it must be better than nothing."

"No, Alexander, I could not do that to you." Magnus insists stubbornly.

"What can't you do to me?"

"That is an intrusion, I cannot intrude your mind like that, it would be unfair to you." Magnus explains, but Alec fails to understand, "I cannot in good conscious, invade your mind, where you hide your deepest and darkest secrets, no one - not even me, should have access to that."

Alec smiles widely at him, "Magnus, I trust you." he tells him wholeheartedly, "I trust you with my heart and I trust you with my mind, and if that is what you need, I'm more than happy to let you in."

"Are you sure?" Magnus still hesitates.

"Positive."

Alec pressed their foreheads together, as Magnus presses his fingers to Alecs temples. They both take deep breaths, bracing themselves, then with a small jolt, Alec can feel Magnus' magic coursing through him, and then he can feel his calm and comforting presence in his mind.

Magnus knows the turture it can be when someone is picking through your mind, so he tries to ease into it as gently as he can. He is not sure if it's his carefulness or Alec himself, but it is an absolutely beautiful connection.

Instead of being an intrusion, it is them coming together as one, welcoming one another in the most intimate of ways.

As Magnus dives into Alecs mind, he can see through his eyes and feel through his soul how he looks and watches Magnus in the different memories and moments, how their relationship slowly grew and developed…

Magnus remembers being at the pandemonium, trying to run away from the circle members that were hunting him down, when he was stopped by Clary, Jace and Isabelle. In his mind, Alec was erased from that memory, but now he can see himself standing in front of a portal, and the circle member behind him trying to attack. He can feel the complete calmness and confidence, as Alec aims and shoots his arrow, he can feel the pride when he scores.

He is watching himself through Alecs eyes, getting closer and heart pounding harder and stronger as he does. 'So beautiful…' he can hear Alecs mind think, but quickly shut it off.

.

Magnus is now watching his own back as he shoots his magic at a circle member, the magic sends him flying and then he is shooting an arrow at his chest. He can once again feel Alecs heart pounding against his ribcage, the butterflies in his stomach as he turns around to face him.

"I'm Magnus." His own voice echoes, and he recognises it through Alec's ears as a smooth and velvety sound, he can feel how Alec enjoys hearing it, "I don't think we've been formally introduced."

Then Magnus can feel how Alec loses all coherent thoughts, as he tries to stutter through their introduction, 'dammit he is too beautiful.' Alecs mind shouts.

.

Then they're in Magnus' loft, in yet another memory Magnus can remember, but Alec was not in it before. He watches himself placing the necklace around Izzy's neck, then he is calling Alec 'pretty boy', and the butterflies that overtake Alecs stomach when he realizes Magnus is talking about him and not Jace, is overwhelming and also a little sad.

.

Alec is running into his loft in a panic which grows when he sees Magnus trying to save Luke, but almost collapsing, he is closing the distance between them and catching him before he could fall. Magnus can see himself lean on Alec, he can feel how Alecs brain and heart goes wild at the proximity and contact. He can feel the intense connection that grows between them as Alec allows Magnus to access is strength. When Luke is out of danger, Magnus collapses onto Alec chest, and he can feel how Alecs nerves both go wild and calm down at the comforting closeness he has been longing for but denying.

.

In the next moment Alec is cleaning his couch, "you know I have magic for that?" he is saying to him, and Alec looks up at him, watches him making them drinks, and all he wants is the closeness between them, but he keeps his guard up, because he knows that he can never have that. So when Magnus tells him that he unlocked something in him, he wants nothing more than to tell him that he has too, but he can't. So he does what he has always done best, he pushes Magnus away, even though all he wants is to keep him close.

.

More and more memories flash and pass between them, intense and filled with overwhelming emotion. Alec has completely exposed himself, because he may be watching moments he has previously been a part of. But he now has full access to the thoughts and feelings sturing and exploding in Alec's mind and heart.

And there is something extremely humbling about the whole experience. Magnus is in absolute awe as he watches and feels Alec's emotions evolve and develop, as he watches Alec fall in love with him.

And for someone like Magnus - who despite all his confidence and colour, had always felt like he had something missing, like there was something terribly wrong with him, that no one could ever truly love all of him - it was absolute everything.

He finds himself wondering if Alec still has the ring, and because they are still connected, the Shadowhunter looks at him with a knowing gaze, "of course I do." he whispered into the small space between them, then leaned in to capture Magnus' lips in his.