Fields of Heather

Jingyi is twenty seven now, almost twenty eight. In fact, his birthday is in a few weeks. He wonders if they will come visit him this year. They were too busy with Lanling sect business to attend a small gathering the previous year. Jingyi decided not to send out invitations this year. Hadn't wanted to for the past few years really, it was only because Senior Wei always insisted…

'What kind of teacher would I be if I didn't throw a party for my favorite disciple?'

Jingyi had tried using the guqin to calm the growing flowers but his fingers were clumsy on the strings. Wei Wuxian had taken it upon himself to teach him the dizi instead and, while he was surprisingly more adept at it, it was still yet another example of how lacking he was in every way. He just wished that, for once in his life, he wasn't lacking in some way. That he could play his clan's instrument. That his omega scent wasn't bitter and off putting to most everyone. That he was worthy of having a soulbond. That he didn't long for something so preposterous as his own best friends.

That he wasn't slowly dying alone…

Jingyi sighs and leans against the small tree at his back as he plays the dizi softly and watches the wind catch in the tiny spine leaves of the many small trees in his garden. A garden made from the love in his heart, literally.

Tending to the trees he's grown from the seeds he coughs up, along with the calming melodies from the dizi, are one of the only things that soothes the budding pain in his chest anymore.

Jingyi hopes he can see Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui again this year, that they won't be too busy to stop by for his birthday. He's sure that Senior Wei is planning something behind his back despite the fact that Jingyi no longer has any friends to celebrate with. He hasn't bothered with anyone or anything for a long time. Why would he? He knows his place, that he isn't good enough. Knows that he is sick, rotten omega not worthy of anyone's time.

Still though… Jingyi hopes they come. He smiles a soft warm smile at the thought of seeing them again.

It's been a long time since any of Jingyi's smiles reached his eyes.

Lan Sizhui sighs as he shuffles through his pile of scrolls.

Dropping his own scroll back onto the table in front of him, Jin Ling glares at his husband, "What? What is it now?"

"I don't know. Okay?" Lan Sizhui replies.

"Argh!" Jin Ling runs his hands through his hair in frustration. "You don't know?"

"I'm sorry, I just… I don't… ," Lan Sizhui whispers, "It just feels like there is something missing." It was always like this. Nothing was ever enough.

"I'm sorry I'm not enough for you, A-Yuan," he says dryly, as if it's an old argument, because it is. One that has been plaguing them for a while.

"A-ling… you know that's not what I mean," Lan Sizhui sighs gently. "Don't you feel it?" He asks gently.

"No," Jin Ling says before giving up and storming out. His stride falters as soon as he is out of sight, however, because he does know. He feels it too, a gaping void, like something is missing, like someone is missing. Like whenever he turns around, someone else is supposed to be there. Someone that is not Lan Sizhui and Jin Ling refuses to admit it.

He refuses to admit that his soulbond is a mistake.

Jingyi can feel it spreading inside him, soon even the dizi won't be enough and, honestly, he isn't sure how he made it this long anyway. He's survived off of pure pain and suffering until now, he supposes, as his fingers dig through the soil under him. His throat starts to itch again but he ignores it in favor of the task he has given himself. It's normal now, anyway, the pain and itching that precludes the small bell flowers and their spiny leaves.

His hands sift through more soil, delicately extracting the roots of the smallest and most recent heather bush, without damaging them. His fingers are thin and pale and don't want to move well anymore. Probably because of his low energy. He doesn't eat well these days, has no desire to. Even if he did, he can barely keep anything down now anyway, he has the thin and gaunt frame to show for it. His face is pale and sallow.

Jingyi stands up slowly with the small plant in his hands and he wonders, if he just ripped the roots out… would the pain stop? His chest squeezes at the thought and a cough wracks his too small frame. No, it would probably just feel like tearing his heart out.

Jingyi swallows down the thick, rotten honey taste in his mouth before taking the plant inside.

Lan Sizhui bristles slightly at Jin Ling's words and soft touch. He wasn't some soft maiden who needed doting on. He opens his mouth to say so before catching himself. This is ridiculous. Jin Ling is his mate, his soulbond. It doesn't matter that they are both alphas or that they can't have children together. They love each other and loving mates help care for each other. Which was exactly his argument for why they should get married in the first place and what he frequently reminded Jin Ling himself. Why is he falling into this the same trap?

Why are they like this?

Lan Sizhui sighs and leans into Jin Ling's touch. Maybe they just need to find someone to dote on. A small child for two headstrong alphas. Lan Sizhui snorts at that. They could always visit Lan Jingyi… Lan Sizhui loves spoiling his best friend and he knows Jin Ling does as well. There's just something about seeing that bright smile light up his face that made Lan Sizhui's day every time. They hadn't been very good friends lately, he knew, but maybe they can take him out to his favorite places to eat. It was Lan Jingyi's birthday soon.

Lan Sizhui sat upright, almost knocking his soulbond over in his haste.

"God, what now?" Jin Ling grouses. "Did I touch you wrong or something?"

"What? No. That's not even… ugh!" Sizhui throws up his hands, "Whatever, that's not important right now." Grabbing Jin Ling's shoulders, Lan Sizhui shakes him slightly and says, "A-Ling, we forgot Lan Jingyi's birthday."

Wei Wuxian is worried about his little disciple. He knows Lan Jingyi has been worsening over the years but no one knows why and at this point the poor kid has practically gone into seclusion for want of avoiding people's stares. At first he had thought the boy was just finally succumbing to the stuffy Lan clan ways and finally adopting their propriety, that he was "growing and maturing". It had made Wei Wuxian sad to see his bright sunshine becoming so mellow but he didn't say anything, thinking it might be a good thing. Lan Jingyi had always felt like he didn't belong, those insufferable elders being the worst of the lot, Wei Wuxian scoffs. Maybe, he could finally dig out a place for himself and figure out who he is supposed to be and where he fits in.

But now though…?

Even Wei Wuxian can tell that wasn't it, that something was really wrong and that Lan Jingyi's sickness was not getting better. He had become so withdrawn that he hadn't even noticed Wei Wuxian speaking to him the other day. He tried asking what was bothering the young man but Lan Jingyi just assured him that everything was fine and that perhaps he was just tired and, yes, he would rest more.

When he had told Lan Wangji about his concerns his husband suggested reaching out to their son and Wei Wuxian's nephew. They had always been close, maybe they could cheer him up where Wei Wuxian could not? Afterall, Lan Jingyi's birthday was just around the corner.

Jingyi knows he can't hold on for much longer, in either his vain attempt for a mate or for his returned affections. Maybe he should just give in finally. It would be easier that way. He's going to die, alone and choking on the sickeningly sweet taste of honey that clogs his nose and throat. His mate is never coming for him. Can't save him even if they do. Jingyi isn't worth saving, isn't worth loving.

He feels sorry for his mate, for leaving first, for being stuck with someone like him, for loving someone else. Two people even, not only is he disloyal to his soulbond, but he can't even choose between his two best friends. No wonder they had chosen each other instead. He knows he isn't worth their love. Maybe that's why he never found his mate. Maybe he never really had one… someone like him? Always alone and never any good. He can't do anything right, not even loving someone. The only thing he has to give is this garden, the garden of his heart. It isn't worth anything. He isn't worth anything.

Jingyi sighs and looks down.

Even the small bell petals strewn across his lap meant nothing anymore.

Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui make plans to set out at the end of the week for Cloud Recesses. It's been an ashamedly long time since they've put things aside to visit their best friend and they want to make sure everything is in order before they leave so there will be no distractions. Excitement thrums through them both and neither one can wait to see the look on Lan Jingyi's face when they surprised him. Jin Ling smiles softly in anticipation but he quickly schools his expression when Lan Sizhui's quiet laughter catches his attention. "Ugh, what now?"

"Nothing," Lan Sizhui laughs again, "You just seem so happy to be seeing someone other than me. I thought I was more than enough for you, A-Ling," Lan Sizhui snickers teasingly.

"Damnit, A-Yuan! It's not like that! I just miss him is all… ," Jin Ling trails off softly. "I almost can't even recall his smell and it used to be as familiar to me as yours," He states sadly.

"Yes," Lan Sizhui agrees in a quiet voice. "I remember I used to love his scent. It reminded me of the lemongrass in the field we all played in together as children."

"Eh?" Jin Ling questions, "You smell like that lemongrass, A-Yuan. Lan Jingyi has always smelled like that weird little herb you two had growing in your olds rooms. You know, when we would all study together. Uh…"

"Rosemary," Lan Sizhui finishes for him. "We used to have a rosemary plant," he whispers.

"Yeah!" Jin Ling agrees, "That plant! Wait, you think he smells like lemongrass?"

"Jin Ling, it's not possible for him to smell different to both of us. Not unless… ," Lan Sizhui trails off and Jin Ling's eyes widen at the implication.

Not unless he was bound to one of them.

Every person has their own distinct scent, it helps define who you are to others. This scent is the same to everyone, except for one person, your soulbond. A soulbond will only detect a comforting scent from you that reminds them of their love for you and is complementary to the scent that you smell on them.

If they both thought Lan Jingyi smelled different, then one of them had to be "wrong".