Part Two: To Resist

Author's Note: Thanks to those of you who've left encouraging comments over here, AO3, and Tumblr. It really means a lot to me to see people enjoying this fic. Replies always get a response from me and would be much appreciated. Stay beautiful. Find me on Tumblr at whereistheonepiece for more Zosan posts in between updates. Two left after this one if everything goes to plan.

The first thing Sanji did when returning to the Sunny was throw himself into meal prep. The idea was to keep his mind and body too preoccupied to even have the time to think about Zoro and where things had gone so wrong, but in practice it was easy to find a near-meditative trance in the repetitive tasks involved in kitchen work when he didn't have someone else around to yell at or talk to–save the few times he had to kick Luffy out of the kitchen, but not even the bottomless pit that was his captain could persist the entire day.

This left Sanji ample time with his thoughts, and that was dangerous territory, so he tried remedying the situation by giving himself even more work than usual: he prepared snacks for the ladies, he made drinks for the crew, and he made meals even more elaborate than the crew was used to receiving. When he wasn't cooking, Sanji was cleaning, detailing the entire kitchen with the kind of intensity he normally reserved for the battlefield. If he couldn't escape his own mind in the daytime, then perhaps he could tire himself out enough so that he fell into a dead sleep later that night, free of dreams that involved iron masks and Zoro's arms around him–

Sanji scowled and grit his teeth, chopping at the vegetables he was going to sneak into Luffy's food with renewed vigor. It was easier to be angry, he reminded himself; if he loosened his grip on the fury burning a hole in his chest even a fraction, he'd fall into a pit of despair, and he didn't need any of his crewmates–not Luffy, not the ladies, and especially not Zoro–to see him like this. Sanji's anger spread its tendrils in multiple directions: at Vinsmoke and his rotten sons, at Big Mom, at himself, Zoro.

A small voice in the back of his mind told him that he had no right to be angry at Zoro, and Sanji released a strangled sound and stabbed his knife into the cutting board, palms slapping over his face and fingers sliding up until they tangled in his hair and curled into fists. He groaned. Logically he recognized that he shouldn't be mad at Zoro for reacting in the way he did to the news that Sanji had proposed to someone else, but there was the part of him that resented that this was what honesty got him, and today that part of him was winning. After all, Zoro had sent him mixed signals during that last night in Wano, pulling him in and kissing him in the way he had. Sanji wasn't the only to have done something stupid.

Ha! Checkmate, Marimo. Sanji raged in his mind before wondering if Zoro even knew what chess was.

Exhaling, Sanji washed his hands before returning to what he was doing, pulling the knife out of the cutting board and scraping the obliterated vegetables to the side for future use.

And in spite of all of his rage, in spite of his knowledge that no one was coming, Sanji kept looking in the direction of the door leading into the kitchen, his heart swelling with emotions he didn't care to name whenever he saw no one there.

He'd spent his nights in Wano wondering how his and Zoro's breakup would affect the dynamics on the ship and found that not much had actually changed, save for Zoro taking on a couple more watch shifts during the week, offering to take over for some of the others. Sanji heard him explain to Usopp that he didn't sleep much at night anyway, so he might as well. Usopp spent all of two seconds looking skeptical, raising an eyebrow and glancing over at Sanji, before slapping Zoro on the back and turning on his heel to check in with Nami and give her a kiss before leaving to goof off with Luffy and Chopper.

Sanji bit down on the filter of his cigarette at Usopp's silent acknowledgment that something was amiss, then he looked over at Zoro, who caught his eye but said nothing on his way to the crow's nest. Zoro would doubtlessly launch one of his insane workouts up there, which Sanji had noticed he'd been throwing himself into like Sanji was throwing himself into the kitchen. But Sanji couldn't spend all day, every day scrubbing the same inch of the dining table, just like Zoro couldn't spend the full twenty-four hours in the day lifting weights and meditating: they did cross paths sometimes, and Sanji would have felt proud of the both of them for not destroying the ship in their anger and grief if he didn't currently feel so numb inside, having run through the full spectrum of human emotion in such a short time. Even Sanji couldn't force himself to be angry for this long.

To Zoro's credit, he did still show up for meals and he did still retire to his bunk with the rest of them when he did deign to sleep in the men's quarters. It was almost normal back on Thousand Sunny, except that Zoro and Sanji no longer goaded each other into stupid fights over trivial things that were forgotten as quickly as they started. They didn't interact at all since that small moment between them during that last night in Wano and the realization finally stirred a feeling within Sanji that stood somewhere in the middle of frustration and melancholy. Whom he was frustrated at, though, it was harder to say this time.

Sanji startled when a hand sprouted from between his shoulder blades and tapped on his shoulder. He looked around until he saw Robin, sitting on a lawn chair, looking at him from behind her open book, blue eyes shining with that beautiful smile of hers that lifted some of the burden from his heart.

"Ah! Robin-chan," he greeted, voice lacking its usual enthusiasm but still undeniably light as he approached her. It was a dark day when one of his favorite ladies couldn't perk up his mood. "How can I help you? Can I make you some more tea? Or would you prefer some iced water?"

Robin giggled demurely, snapping her book shut and setting it down on her lap. "Thank you, Sanji, but I'm fine right now. I was hoping we could talk."

"Oh?" Sanji grinned. "I'm always happy to lend a listening ear to my dear Robin-chan!"

"Actually, I was hoping I could be the one who could fill that role," Robin said, getting to her feet so they stood facing each other, leaving her book on the lawn chair.

"Why, whatever for?" Sanji said, still managing to smile for Robin, despite feeling the heat draining from his face. It did not take a perceptive person to notice that something was going on between Sanji and Zoro, and nothing got past Robin, regardless. Sanji absolutely did not stand a chance.

Robin placed her hand against Sanji's bicep, stepping closer so she could whisper, "Why don't we go somewhere more private?"

His smile having melted off his face, Sanji nodded mutely at Robin before following her into the aquarium bar, neutral territory where they were less likely to be interrupted.

In the cool blue glow of the aquarium, Robin looked at Sanji and sent him a warm, close-eyed smile as they made their way to sit down in front of the large tank. She said nothing, waiting patiently for him to begin. Sanji remained silent as he tried to collect his rushing thoughts, a process that felt like trying to catch loose pieces of paper in the air before they scattered in the wind. He hunched his back as he rested his elbows on his thighs, staring at the floor in thought. "So..."

"Hmmm?"

"This is about Zoro, isn't it?" Sanji asked, looking up at her, opting to get right to it.

"It is if you want it to be," Robin replied, folding her hands on her lap.

Sanji swallowed, looking back down at the ground. "I wouldn't want to trouble you with my problems, Robin-chan," he said. "This is between the Mar–between Zoro and me."

"Hm, yes," Robin replied. "But you seem troubled, Sanji. We hardly see either of you these days. I can hardly recall the last time I saw you speaking with each other. And when two of the crew can't get along, it eventually becomes the entire ship's problem. The others have also noticed. We're simply concerned."

Sanji closed his eyes, focusing on his breathing. Zoro had said it was the basic idea of meditation and it helped him to center himself. "Something even a hothead like you could do." Sanji had proven the hothead comment right by kicking Zoro in the shin and the matter was dropped.

Might as well start giving that a try now, he reasoned. He exhaled, covering his face with his hand. "I did something stupid, Robin, on Whole Cake Island." Well, several stupid things, he wanted to say, but he couldn't bear for Robin to hear how he'd tried to drive Luffy off and had scared Nami, putting on a show for the dead-eyed psychopaths watching. "Something I don't think I can come back from."

When Robin didn't respond, Sanji opened his eyes and peeked up at her through his fingers. She smiled serenely at him, allowing him time and space. He sighed, pushing his fingers through his hair and sitting up straight. Robin's calming presence almost made him want to divulge what it was that he'd done that had landed him in his current predicament, but he also couldn't bear for Robin to learn that he'd betrayed Zoro. And that was what he'd done. He and Zoro weren't engaged to be married or something grand like that, but they'd made a promise to each other, and Sanji had betrayed that promise, betrayed that trust. And though it made his chest ache to think about it, Sanji would understand if this was all he would ever have with Zoro: a tense, unspoken agreement that they would be there on the battlefield as crewmates, but nothing else.

"You're going to find the All Blue someday, take over the Baratie, and find yourself a nice woman you can pamper and spoil. You're going to get married and probably have a million children. You're going to have a good life, Sanji."

And that was made Sanji's heart ache most of all: the idea of his future without Zoro in it, the idea that Zoro thought Sanji didn't see him in it. Perhaps things would be different if Sanji had been more forthcoming back when he and Zoro were together, perhaps if he'd been stronger on Whole Cake Island, perhaps perhaps perhaps...

"I just... I just miss him," Sanji said quietly.

"And I think he misses you, too," Robin said gently. "And I think what he needs right now is a friend."

Sanji chuckled mirthlessly. "Is that supposed to be me?"

"I think it can be, yes," Robin said, dipping her head gracefully.

"He doesn't even want to talk to me, Robin-chan."

"Perhaps not now," Robin agreed. "But there is time yet from here to the next island." She smiled enigmatically. "And it is not a large ship."

Sanji chuckled softly. "I wish I could feel as sure as you, Robin."

Robin laid her hand on top of Sanji's, conjuring a swarm of butterflies in his stomach and causing a swell of warmth to spread through him. "Whatever happens, Sanji, you two are still crewmates. And I'll be here, as will we all. There's no reason for you to carry this weight on your own."

Sanji felt a smile growing on his face. He stood up, offering her a hand to help her to her feet, pressing a soft kiss to the back of her delicate hand when she standing. "Thank you, Robin-chan. How do molten chocolate cakes sound for dessert today?"

"Delicious, my dear cook-san," Robin said, looping her arm through his as they left the cool light of the aquarium behind.

Sanji did not get as much sleep as some of the crew; from his own biological clock set from years on the Baratie and from the necessity of waking up before the rest of the crew so they had breakfast waiting for them, he did not get the hours Chopper recommended he did.

This was fine.

Sanji thrived on what sleep he did get and normally didn't find himself wanting more, but that was because he generally managed to sleep uninterrupted. Lately, however, Sanji's sleep was restless; he found himself waking up periodically and using observation Haki to see if Zoro was in his bunk. He usually wasn't. And most times Sanji could fall back asleep, but sometimes he had to remind his sleep deprived mind that he couldn't just jump out of bed, march himself up to the crow's nest, and jump onto the bastard and plant an angry, needy kiss on his mouth and just make this hurt go away.

In these weaker moments he got dressed and freshened himself up, went outside for a smoke, and walked to the kitchen to get an early start on breakfast, the presence of the observation deck looming over him in the distance.

Life went on. Almost as abruptly as Zoro started taking on more watch shifts to avoid the boys' bunk, everything on the Sunny returned to normal, mostly. Sanji stopped hiding out in the kitchen more than he had to, his decision slightly influenced by Robin, slightly by the fact that the extravagant meals put a strain on their stores and forced him to make up for it with creativity until they could restock. Zoro no longer kept his workouts confined to the crow's nest, moving his lighter sets back to the Sunny's lawn.

Sanji watched Zoro work on his biceps, the way his arm stretched and flexed, viewing made easier by a tank top with dropped armholes that gave an excellent view of Zoro's sweat slicked torso. The only thing missing, he mused, was his and Zoro's fights. Well, it was just one of several things missing, Sanji thought, but if he had to do without Zoro plodding up to him in the mornings half-asleep to demand attention and food, and if he had to do without their late night talks up in the crow's nest, then he'd make do with this. Sentimentality wasn't all that motivated him; a small fear that sat in the back of his mind was that his senses would dull before the next fight without his daily tussles with Zoro to keep him on his toes, something he was looking to remedy.

One of the things Sanji hated most about the entire shitty situation he was in was that he still felt himself anticipating the appearance of someone who wasn't going to show up when he was in the kitchen, that he still felt the pull to sneak out of the men's quarters and up into the crow's nest to keep Zoro company through the night, curling up against him and eventually dozing against Zoro's neck when the need to sleep won out.

Zoro caught him staring and said, not missing a rep, "The hell you looking at?"

"You sweating all over the lawn," Sanji said, smirking around his cigarette, gratified that Zoro had given him an opening. It was more than he'd gotten in Wano and he would be a fool not to take advantage of it.

"Am I bothering you, shit-cook?"

"Who wouldn't be bothered?" Sanji asked, standing up from his spot on the bench encircling the mast. "You grunting and making all that noise. Robin-chwan is trying to read."

"Zoro isn't bothering me, Sanji," Robin said, unhelpfully, smiling at them from behind her book.

Zoro looked like he wanted to say something suggestive about Sanji's complaint and Sanji stared him down as he approached him, all but verbally daring him, but Zoro clamped his mouth shut until he was ready to speak without betraying himself. "Why don't you just get back in the kitchen and make us some snacks, Cook?"

"Like hell I will!" Sanji said, overplaying his anger, aiming a kick at Zoro's head, who dropped his dumbbells and was already rolling for his katanas with a fluid ease that brought a satisfied grin to Sanji's face. "Shitty Marimo!"

Yes.

Sanji and Zoro's old song and dance came to life on the lawn of the Sunny. Sanji was aware of the crew stopping what they were doing to watch them–he even heard Luffy laugh and say, "Hey, look! Zoro and Sanji are fighting again!"–but this information was pushed aside and filed away as background noise as he kept his eyes on Zoro while the two men dodged, weaved, and parried each other's blows. Zoro put up a good fight of masking his enjoyment at first, but as they acted, reacted, anticipated each other's moves with the intimate knowledge of how the other fought, a smile slowly broke out on Zoro's face and quickly grew into a feral grin that matched Sanji's own.

And just as quickly as the crew stopped what they were doing to watch them, they were back to their personal projects, but Sanji and Zoro continued until they tired themselves out, ending in a draw, with Zoro's katanas holding back Sanji's foot. The both of them panted as they stared each other down until they pulled back at the same time, muscles shaking. Sanji grinned at Zoro lazily as he plucked his cigarette out of his mouth. "You're getting sloppy, Marimo," he said as he turned around.

Shink!

Sanji laughed as he dodged Zoro's next attack, heading to the galley with his hands in his pockets.

Zoro had his request fulfilled later that afternoon. Sanji wandered up to the crow's nest with a plate of onigiri–a considerable balancing act that the bastard should appreciate. Sanji would not have attempted this small gesture back when they first returned to the Sunny, but he felt pretty hopeful given that this was the first time since seeing each other in Wano that Zoro had taken Sanji's bait. It had to mean something. And even should Zoro reject Sanji's attempt at peace making, at least Sanji could say that he was following Robin's advice–though he would be less understanding if Zoro tried to waste the food. He didn't expect Zoro to allow him to sit with him while he ate, but that onigiri was going to be eaten one way or the other.

He found Zoro sitting on the floor, meditating. Zoro popped his eye open, saying nothing as Sanji greeted him with a small, "Hey." He wasn't telling him to leave, which was promising, so Sanji came closer. He came to a stop a yard away from Zoro, hanging around awkwardly before speaking again. "I made you something to eat," he said, pulling the cover off the platter.

"You know I was just trying to piss you off, right?"

"Well, yeah," Sanji replied, setting the platter down in front of Zoro. He slipped his hands into his pockets, shifting his weight. "But you caught me in a generous mood."

Zoro grunted, grabbing an onigiri and biting into it, chewing it in silence until he looked up at Sanji and said, mouth full, "Well, go on."

"What?"

Zoro merely jerked his head at the spot next to him and continued eating.

Sanji complied, sitting down cross-legged next to Zoro. Now that Zoro had given him permission to stay, he didn't know what to do next; he hadn't planned that far. Zoro said nothing, eating his onigiri in silence while Sanji tapped a rhythm against his knee.

"Did you need something, Cook?" Zoro finally asked when he had enough of Sanji's fidgeting.

"Hm?"

Zoro raised his eyebrow while he swallowed his last mouthful, looking Sanji up and down as his way of explanation.

"Um, well, I thought that maybe I might try meditating with you?" Sanji said on the fly, but finding himself glad he'd said it. The past week or so had found him seriously considering the benefits of slowing down and focusing on his breathing, and it allowed him to do something with Zoro, something Zoro did regularly and which Sanji had never attempted to share with him when they were together.

Zoro regarded Sanji skeptically before grunting in what Sanji assumed was approval, his eye sliding closed without further prompting.

Sanji blinked. "So you just...start doing it?"

"'S the idea, Curly."

"Oh. Well." Sanji wiped his palms on his pants. "Okay."

Sanji closed his eyes and tried to focus on his breathing and clearing his mind, but he felt himself wanting to tap his fingers on his knee again and to shift his weight and he had an itch on the back of his neck and he was going to have to start on dinner soon after this and–

"Cook."

Sanji's eyes snapped open. "Yeah?"

"You're squirming."

"Oh." Sanji chuckled nervously. "Let me try again."

Sanji closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, trying to find that feeling of tranquility he desperately needed. But he could not clear his mind when Zoro was inches away from him. And it wasn't just that he craved Zoro's touch, wanted to crawl onto his lap and kiss him until he stopped thinking altogether, no meditation required; it was that this was the first time he and Zoro were alone together in the same room in weeks, just simply being. How was he supposed to calm down in this situation?

"I saw my family again on Whole Cake Island," Sanji said, the words coming out automatically as his eyes opened back up. He felt Zoro's gaze on him, but the swordsman didn't scold him for breaking the silence this time. It was what made him a good listener when he wanted to be. "Well, they're not my family. Not really. But, ah, you get the idea."

Zoro pivoted himself around so he was facing Sanji so he didn't have to look at him over his shoulder, giving him his full attention, gaze never wavering.

And Sanji couldn't look at him. He wouldn't be able to continue if he did, the feelings of shame and regret that he'd felt during his time in Wano stirring back to life within his chest. He closed his eyes. "I...never told you about my life before the Baratie."

"And I respected that."

Zoro knew about how Sanji had come to live and work with Zeff, for Sanji had told him while hands wandered and lips pressed kisses into flush, sweat covered skin in the quiet of night back when Merry was still with them. Zoro hadn't asked, not for a lack of caring, but out of respect for Sanji, and that was why Sanji had volunteered this information. But information about his life before Zeff never felt pertinent. The Vinsmokes were not a part of who Sanji was; they certainly weren't his family. The only one named Vinsmoke that Sanji actually considered family might as well be removed from the name entirely, and she was–

No.

But now, forced to actually try to get to the root of his self-destructive tendencies when it came to the safety of the crew, now the Vinsmokes were pertinent. It had cost him his relationship with Zoro, so he owed it to Zoro, owed it to himself.

Sanji took a steadying breath. He managed to tell Zoro about Germa and Vinsmoke Judge, the man who'd sought to turn his own children into superweapons, but when he began to tell Zoro about how he'd never fit his father's vision, he started to trail off until he stopped speaking altogether, thinking about warm hands, a warmer smile on a face that so resembled his, and the gaping hole in his chest that he was now suddenly aware of.

Had that always been there?

"Cook?" A voice, barely cutting through the haze that had settled around him. Was it a voice? Had someone spoken or was he just imagining it?

Sora. Vinsmoke Sora. His mother.

And she had been dead for lifetimes.

But no.

They'd just buried her yesterday and he was alone, he was alone, he was–

"Cook?"

She's gone, he's gone, you're alone, and it's all your fault.

Sanji staggered to his feet, heading for the hatch that led out of the crow's nest.

"Cook!" Zoro said, this time more forcefully. Sanji looked at Zoro over his shoulder, and something about the look on his face must have been cause for concern because Zoro's expression crossed over from mild concern to legitimate worry. He grabbed Sanji by the shoulders and moved him so they were facing each other, anchoring Sanji to his spot, to Zoro. "Sanji. Breathe."

Sanji inhaled and exhaled raggedly, a pale imitation of the technique Zoro had shown him once so long ago.

"Slowly," Zoro instructed him. "I'll do it with you."

Sanji offered a small nod in response as he followed Zoro's lead, inhaling slowly through the nose, exhaling a steady stream of air through his lips. Zoro breathed with him until it no longer felt like the world was collapsing around him and Sanji, pressing his luck, wrapped his arms around Zoro's middle and pressed his head into Zoro's shoulder.

"Zoro–Zoro, I'm sorry," he mumbled into Zoro's skin. I'm sorry I'm shit. I'm sorry about the things I can't tell you right now. I'm sorry you had to see me like this. "I'm so sorry I wasn't better to you."

Zoro tensed against him, freezing momentarily before relaxing into Sanji's embrace. Where Sanji clung, Zoro hugged him, and in that moment it was enough. He rubbed slow circles between Sanji's shoulder blades. "You're okay, Sanji," he murmured, holding Sanji tighter, closer. "You're okay."

End of Act Two