Okay, finally, chapter five! This one was SUPER tough for me to write for some reason. I'm not sure if you guys will like it all that much; it's extremely chaotic (hence the title) and is just loaded with nonsense, but I needed to post it anyway in order to continue the story, haha. Thanks for reading, favoriting, following and reviewing!
Disclaimer: I do not own SpongeBob SquarePants or any of its characters.
Holly Jolly Help
The crisp, blue color of the sky was still bright, with just a short amount of time left until it would fade into a beautiful, deep blueish-black. The water was cold enough to keep Krabby Patties frozen, and many were out enjoying it while staying bundled up. The lovely atmosphere of Christmas Eve was special to most folks, and they wanted to spend every minute they could basking in its heartwarming joy.
Other people, however, -a little green schemer and a greedy, red crustacean, to be precise- had chosen to take advantage of the day in a much different way. A way that consisted of competitiveness and big egos going at each other, instead of appreciating that simple, humble sense of holiday cheer.
After all, if they had decided to treat this day like most other people in town did, they would've deemed themselves crazy. It was in Sheldon J. Plankton and Eugene Krabs' nature to show off in front of one another and prove who could do better. That was their priority this time around.
And, of course, what is a little competition without a bet?
Finally coming to the pride-destroying conclusion that Mr. Krabs really did not have a million dollars, the two settled on their usual agreement when it came to betting: the loser would pay one dollar. The last time they had made such a bet, was the time they disguised themselves as each other, and Mr. Krabs wanted to prove to the pipsqueak that he could, in fact, do a better job of stealing the Krabby Patty formula.
But at least this time, the Chum Bucket would be spared. As far as either of them knew, anyway.
After arguing for ten minutes straight inside of the women's boutique, the two enemies left – or rather, were asked to leave because they were disturbing the other customers – and were now getting ready for the 'race' that was soon to take place.
Although this wasn't the typical race that athletes would participate in, Plankton and Mr. Krabs could certainly agree that it was still of high importance to make the proper preparations to ensure that things would go smoothly.
Those preparations mainly involved the two stretching in the most uncomfortable and absurd ways, right in the middle of the mall walkway for every set of eyes to see.
Hundreds of fishes that were present in the building were forced to witness the hilarious and atrocious moves that were meant to prep the muscles for action. While some families passed by quickly and mothers covered the eyes of their children, some fishes kept their full attention on what was happening. They were immediately drawn to the sight to either laugh, take pictures or simply just watch two older men make themselves look ridiculous.
"Eh, eh, eh…" Plankton grunted lowly as he lay on his back on the tile floor, sitting up every second to stretch his arms as far out as he could.
Mr. Krabs, on the other hand, lay propped up on his right side; straining hard to lift his left leg and stretch out his arm toward the high ceiling. "One… two… three. One… two… three…" he muttered, his face dripping with sweat. "One… two— YOOOWWWW!" he screeched as a loud crack popped somewhere on his lower side. He placed a claw on his hip and rubbed it, feeling intense pain. "Argh. This is what I get for skippin' the exercise for so many years…"
Plankton sat up, watching his enemy moan in pain, which gave him great pleasure. "Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh! Got a little boo-boo already, Krabs? You'll never find a gift at this rate. OWWWW!" after he laid back down and stretched his legs over his head to try a new position, it seemed that his lower back couldn't handle that kind of pressure either. The cracking sound was just as loud -if not louder- than the one that came from Krabs's hip.
The two men looked around them, just finally noticing the crowd of people that had been there the whole time. At first, their laughter was barely audible. But now, it was noisy enough to make them feel like it was playing through headphones that needed to have the volume turned down fifty notches. They then glanced at each other, both embarrassed.
"Eh, perhaps doing this in the men's room would've been a better idea," said Plankton in a sheepish voice.
"You're tellin' me. I ain't been this mortified since me mother caught me lookin' at a magazine full of dollar bills dressed in skimpy bikinis," Mr. Krabs replied.
Squidward stood up against a wall, watching the scene unfold as he kept his arms crossed over his chest and a look of disgust on his face. "And just when I thought that SpongeBob and Patrick were the absolute peaks of buffoonery," he said under his breath.
In front of Squidward was a bench that the Christmas tree was leaning against. Once he played his part in this whole juvenile game, he had every intention of sitting down on that bench and relaxing after he had been ordered around by his boss to drag that heavy, green thing all over the place.
It was times like these that he was reminded, once again, that he really should have gone to college.
"Alright," he sighed annoyedly, rolling his eyes and clearing his throat. "Any time you two are ready to make even bigger fools of yourselves, just let me know."
"Oh, I'm ready, Mr. Squidward," said Mr. Krabs, ignoring the derogatory nature of his employee's remark. He rolled onto one knee, crouching in position and glaring at Plankton, who mimicked his actions.
"Well, I was born ready – ready to take you down, Eugene! Heh, heh, heh!" Plankton cackled, smiling evilly.
Mr. Krabs smirked at him, feeling the utmost satisfaction. That little twerp always seemed to think more of himself than he could ever be worth. "Ha! You're wrong about that. But ye certainly were born to do somethin' – born to be flushed down the toilet! Arg arg arg arg arg!"
"Hey! It isn't my fault I always end up in someone's mouth! And I'm always stuck taking the long way out!"
A male fish wearing a blue and green knitted hat and scarf looked upon them with confusion, leaning into his friend and speaking quietly. "Do you know what those two dudes are talking about?"
"No, but something about what the little green guy said makes me not wanna know," the brown fish said, shuddering.
"Like, what is this race for, anyway?" asked a teenage girl, looking down at her polished fins and speaking in a bored tone.
Mr. Krabs glanced at the young lady, then put his attention back on Plankton, glaring more intensely than before. "It's a race to see who's the better man, that's what it is," he said, his tone of voice determined.
"Well, if that's the case, neither of you are likely to win. Heh, heh, heh, heh!" Squidward laughed, his nose inflating and deflating. It was just like the octopus to not be supportive. And not just at times like these, but at any time at all.
Plankton rolled his eye, giving the laughing cephalopod an unamused look. "Say whatever you want about this, big-nose."
"Heh, heh— hey!"
"But whoever gets the best gift -which will be me- shall be the 'better man', heh, heh. I'm looking forward to rubbing it in your crusty face when Karen cries joyful tears that'll short out her wires!"
"Heh! I'm sure your wife will cry. But they ain't gonna be tears of joy. They'll be tears of sadness from bein' reminded that she's married to a loser jellybean, arg arg arg arg arg arg arg!"
Krabs' insulting words only managed to fuel that fiery nature inside of Plankton. He sat there, attempting to come up with something clever enough to make that old crab feel as worthless as he did after so many years of failing. But all he could do at that moment was release a low, guttural growl that showed how much he despised him.
Mr. Krabs, keeping his head straight but glancing at Plankton with his dark eyes, could see the rage inside that big, red eyeball of his. It caught him off-guard just slightly; it wasn't as if this was a competition to see who could blow each other up first, but from the look on Plankton's face, he seemed he was treating it that way.
"Well, the sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can go home and take a nap," said Squidward, smiling at the thought of laying on his comfortable couch, as he pulled out his clarinet that he just happened to randomly have on hand.
"And the sooner this is over, the sooner I can sneak off to the Krusty Krab and get my hands on that formula— I-I mean… heh…" Plankton looked up to see a death glare being given from the owner of said restaurant and secret recipe. "N-never mind, Eugene honey. Just keep your mind on the race."
"I do have me mind on the race. Perhaps I can find a good flyswatter while lookin' for Mrs. Puff's gift," Krabs sneered, causing his nemesis to jump a little from fright.
When hatred, anger, and fear traveled all over the place like a reckless driver in a boat, it usually meant that things were either going to turn out very successful for one of them, or things were going to fall apart… for both of them.
While Krabs and Plankton shot each other one last glance of fury and went on to stare straight ahead, already making plans on which mall shops to rummage through in search of the gifts, Mrs. Puff and Karen made their way along a line of stores, both sharing some of the most embarrassing and dumbest things their men had done. They laughed like the true Gal Pals that they were.
"Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! That's the stupidest thing I've heard in a long time. But you know what's stupider? The time Plankton baked a big batch of chum and tried to pass them off to people as Christmas cookies! Ha, ha, ha!" Karen shook with merry laughter.
"Ha, ha! Oh, no, Karen. There was this one time where Eugene— "
The women came to a sudden stop, both staring in utter disbelief upon discovering the two men they were making fun of from a distance. "What on Earth could they possibly be up to now, Karen?" asked Mrs. Puff, placing her fins on her hips and watching with an irritated expression.
"Hm, looks to me like they've taken their little argument over who will get the better gift to a whole other level," said Karen, shaking her head. She knew that she should expect nothing less to happen between the two rivals. "And I'll bet you they've even made their usual wager."
"Ugh! You know, I love Eugene dearly, but it still irks me how unbelievably childish he can be."
"I know what you mean, Puff. It's as if the clock on Plankton's life is ticking backward and is slowly bringing him back to the stage of infancy. I honestly think it's ridiculous!"
"Oh, me too, Karen. Me too."
Seconds after watching Squidward stand in place next to Krabs and Plankton, Karen and Puff looked at each other and began giggling like teenage girls and sneaked toward the event. Even though they knew this was beyond ludicrous, they couldn't help but also find it to be more entertaining and comical than the bad acting of people on toothpaste commercials. They also knew, deep down, that they were just as childish as the men.
"On your marks…" said Squidward, his voice dragging with no enthusiasm whatsoever.
"Oh, I know this is foolish, but I somehow can't resist watching those two go at it like this," said Mrs. Puff as she stood behind a tall, white column next to Karen.
"I agree, Puff. Wait till Sandy hears about all this," said Karen, her voice filling with amusement.
Suddenly, the mentioning of the squirrelly scientist struck something inside the ladies.
"Speaking of Sandy, what has she been doing the entire day? She usually calls me to chat around this time," Mrs. Puff stared at the ground, worriedly.
"I think she mentioned something last week about spending the day decorating her Treedome with the yellow sponge so that it would look nice for her sister and three nieces coming to visit."
"Get set…" Squidward said, placing his clarinet near his lips.
"Oh, the poor girl…" Mrs. Puff shut her eyes at the thought of Sandy being around that spongy menace.
"Prepare to eat my microscopic dust, Krabs!" Plankton spat with excited smugness.
"I'd tell ya to eat my Krabby Patties, but that ain't never gonna actually happen, now is it?" Mr. Krabs sent a smirk in Plankton's direction that made him want to bash his own head in.
The offensive sound of Squidward's instrument blew through the water, signaling for the race to begin. The crowd of fish-folks cheered, despite laughing at them only minutes before.
Mr. Krabs and Plankton took off, leaving a cloud of white particles behind them. Meanwhile, Squidward was glad his job as the starter was over. He sat down gently on the bench next to the Christmas tree, sighing happily and crossing two of his four legs over each other. "Ah, now that that's out of the way, I believe it's time for a little music. Perhaps it could even soothe the souls of these tired shoppers." He smiled, inhaling and blowing into the clarinet to create the same awful sound.
Every fish stopped what they were doing to stare at him, covering their ears by either using their fins or placing their earmuffs back on their heads.
"Oh, barnacles! This guy?! Jeez, we already hear enough of him playing that thing at the Krusty Krab," a male fish whined.
His wife nodded in agreement, looking at Squidward with repugnance. "I think we've gotten enough presents now, hon. Let's get out of here," she said before she and her husband walked off.
Unfortunately for the happy cephalopod, his enjoyment had to end at some point. And that point came when the crowd of bratty fish, who had previously chased the Santa-fish that eventually got away from them, came in Squidward's direction. Looking at him, they could tell he was a peaceful guy who just wanted to mind his own business and was having a decent afternoon.
But his playing was terrible, so they couldn't allow that to go on.
"Hey, look at that bozo over there!" yelled the orange fish, pointing at Squidward and grinning.
The sound of a young man's voice from across the way made Squidward stop playing instantly. He looked up, displaying a scowl. "What? What do you want?! I'm trying to soothe people's souls here!"
"And we thought Santa was a loser!" remarked a dark, purple fish.
"Let's get him!" said a pink female fish, pounding one fin into the other as she and the others ran towards him, yelling insults.
The sudden fear that overtook Squidward made his whole life flash before his eyes. And he thought that SpongeBob chasing after him was scary.
"AHHHHH!" he screamed. It was as if someone had pressed an 'eject' button on the bench because he flew off the seat like a blasting rocket as the children came straight at him.
Meanwhile…
Mr. Krabs, who ran up to another women's boutique and held the door open, heard the horrific cry of his employee and turned around to peek at the bench. Instead of being concerned for Squidward's well-being (like a normal person would), he was more worried about the Christmas tree.
As he watched Squidward run around in circles trying to get away from the kids, Mr. Krabs clenched his claw, shouting angrily. "Squidward! Quit messin' around an keep an eye on that tree! If somebody steals it, I'm gonna— "
"Thanks for holding the door, Eugene! Heh, heh, heh, heh!"
Mr. Krabs' attention was then directed at Plankton, who ran past him through the open door. Furiousness quickly building inside of him, Krabs growled; watching his nemesis get away.
"Hey, get back here! GAH!" he rushed inside, unaware of the woman who was about to enter behind him. He slammed the door, hitting her in the face and knocking her over.
Scuttling around the place, he looked in all directions until he came face-to-face with his teenage daughter and her two fish friends; one bright blue in color, and the other coral.
Pearl wasted no time in looking at him with revulsion and sticking her tongue out. "Ew! Daddy, what are you doing here? This is a store for girls!"
"Oh, hi there, sweet pea! Heh, heh. I'm actually busy lookin' for— "
Mr. Krabs was interrupted by Plankton's giggling that was coming from a place that he couldn't see.
"You were supposed to be searchin' the stores on the other side, ya one-eyed barnacle brain!" he bellowed, shaking his claw.
"Daddy, who are you talking to?" Pearl asked.
Mr. Krabs forced a laugh, knowing he didn't have time to deal with the questions of a teenager. "Ah, ha, ha! Oh, I was just talkin' to me arch enemy while we get ready to ransack the stores in search of the perfect gifts," he stated as if this was something that would happen on an everyday basis.
Pearl knew that her father was strange in many ways, but this was definitely the weirdest thing yet in her eyes. And the fact that he was in a women's store only creeped her out even more. She glanced at her friends, all three sharing the same look of confusion.
"Okay, well, um, anyway," said Pearl, not paying attention to how her father was trying desperately to see the display of feminine things behind her. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually glad you're here. I need money for shoe— AHHH!"
"Can't talk now, Pearly! It's time to start causin' some mayhem!" he picked her up in his claws like she weighed nothing and tossed her in another direction, sending her crashing into a rack of clothing. Her friends ran after her, relieved to get away from the insane crab.
On the outside of the store stood Karen and Mrs. Puff, peering in through the window. Together, they witnessed Mr. Krabs go through a rack of blouses and throw them one by one behind him, which created a mountain of expensive fabric on top of Plankton (who appeared out of nowhere). Soon, he popped up out of the pile, shaking his fist and cursing at Krabs, who then waved him off.
"Goodness! Those two really seem to be taking this whole thing seriously," Mrs. Puff said with concern.
"I know! But it is rather hilarious, isn't it?" asked Karen, looking at the pufferfish beside her.
Mrs. Puff had to admit that her Gal Pal was right; seeing them rip the store apart and scream at each other was becoming the highlight of her day. "Hm, hm," she quietly laughed. "It certainly is. And this does remind me again of how we need to finish our shopping. We should really get on with doing that, Karen."
"Oh, yeah! You're right, Puff."
At a speed that was almost impossible to see, Mr. Krabs and Plankton busted out of the store, obviously not finding what they needed. Mrs. Puff stood with her mouth agape, and Karen wore a digital face of surprise as the men zig-zagged across each shop. High-pitched shrieking from the women inside the places could be heard, meaning that major damage was being caused by their rummaging.
The two women had a feeling they should've been worried about all the chaos. But instead, watching the bitter enemies compete was inspiring their inner drive to find presents that would blow said enemies away.
"Gosh, you know," Karen chuckled. "I'm starting to really look forward to how much Sheldon will love his gift."
Mrs. Puff faced her; her eyes slowly turning from mild happiness to fierceness. "And I'm looking forward to how Eugene will most likely propose to me after he tells me how much he loves his gift."
Karen could hear the snarky attitude building in her voice, and it was doing a great job of burning her mechanical insides. "Oh, yeah? Well, let me tell you something, sister," she leaned toward her, poking her shoulder with her finger. "A proposal is one thing, but it's nothing special compared to the romantic getaway Sheldon's going to take me on once his little, evil heart bursts with pleasure when he receives his gift!"
The insanity of Krabs and Plankton running around, people screaming, and Squidward still being chased by that group of kids all faded into the background for the computer and boating teacher. Karen even saw this as an opportunity to compete against her for the angriest facial expression. The sharpest glare came onto her screen; her furrowed eyebrows, eyes and quivering mouth colored Crimson red.
"Oh, that's it! I don't care how preposterous this whole thing is. I'm getting the better gift and you're gonna like it!" Mrs. Puff sped off into the men's sporting store across from her and left Karen in her dust.
"Oh, bring it on! You sassy, inflatable balloon woman!" Karen spat, rolling into a store that was next to the one Mrs. Puff had entered into.
Naturally, in this underwater world of craziness, the tune of Sponge Monger began to play through the PA system, causing the shoppers to stop and listen. They all looked at each other confusingly until they turned their eyes to the sight of an octopus running away from children, and two men and two women running back and forth between stores; surprisingly, the men didn't even notice the women were there. Then again, they were too busy focusing on acting like school children.
And, of course, since the Christmas tree had been left unattended, an unlikely thief noticed it; her old eyes lighting up.
"Oh, would ya look at that!" an elderly woman exclaimed. "Now my son-in-law doesn't have to visit the kelp forest and break his back trying to cut one down."
Using her electric shopping cart to reach it, she stretched out her arms and picked up the heavy tree, placing it into the basket. The fact that an old woman had more strength than Squidward was laughable and made no sense, but it fit right in with everything else that was occurring.
The woman rode off, without anyone noticing – despite the huge tree sitting in her basket.
~French Narrator~
"Five minutes later."
"Get out of here!" a security guard yelled, using his foot to kick one rear end, and the flick of his finger to get rid of the other tiny troublemaker.
Mr. Krabs and Plankton came flying out of the main exit of the mall, landing face-down on the asphalt.
"Neither of you are allowed in here for at least the next six months. Oh, by the way, crabby," the man in the uniform said, looking at Mr. Krabs. "You're lucky that lady isn't pressing charges against you for nearly breaking her face with a door!" he looked at them repulsively and marched back inside.
Because the two had caused such a ruckus in every place they rummaged through, they were unable to find those gifts. Now, with the sun slowly starting to fade, they realized how little time they had left, and how much time they had also wasted.
They both groaned, sitting up and rubbing their faces.
"Neptune's mollusk! That was a complete and utter failure," Mr. Krabs sighed sadly, shaking his head and looking down at the ground in shame.
"I know. And to top it all off, my face hurts," Plankton said, touching his bruised eyelid.
Meanwhile, on the opposite end of the mall, Karen and Mrs. Puff were sent out of the exit the same way as Plankton and Krabs. Karen's body made a terrible buzzing sound as she hit the ground, and Mrs. Puff inflated into a large ball seconds after she landed.
"Good riddance. I swear people get more and more savage every year that this time rolls around," said a female security guard, shaking her head and glaring at the women before going back inside.
"Oh, great Neptune! I think I broke one of my wheels," Karen moaned, sitting up and lifting her bottom half to examine it.
"And I haven't been this swollen since SpongeBob crashed into that brick wall last month… again," Mrs. Puff sighed heavily as she slowly began to deflate.
Both staring into the distance and then at each other, they smiled guiltily and joined hands.
"Oh, Karen. I'm sorry I let this foolish thing get the best of me," Mrs. Puff spoke softly.
"I'm sorry too, Puff. And I suppose we deserve getting kicked out of that place…" Karen shook her head. "But we didn't even succeed in buying those gifts for our men. And it looks like we're running out of time," she looked out at the horizon. "How are we supposed to get them now?"
Still holding Karen's cold, metal hand in her soft fin, Mrs. Puff stood; helping her Gal Pal up off the harsh floor. "Not to worry, Karen. I think I know of a good place that's right near my house we can shop at. It's much better than anything we could've found here anyway." She smiled, beginning to stroll away. "They've got the manliest, muskiest colognes there," she giggled upon remembering how delightful her significant other always smelled when he wore that distinct scent.
Though the thought of Plankton smelling like something other than rotting chum seemed like it would be a relief to her senses, Karen knew he would be too prideful and stubborn to want to mask it.
"Eh, that sounds nice and all, but I doubt Sheldon would wear it. They do sell other items at that fancy store, don't they?" Karen asked in a somewhat skeptical voice.
"Oh, yes, they do. Just you wait and see," Mrs. Puff reassured her by patting her on the shoulder.
Unlike their female sweethearts, who had seen the light and quickly realized the error of their immature ways, Krabs and Plankton weren't ready to give up their battle just yet. Well, Plankton wasn't, at least. But like always, it wouldn't take much for Krabs to agree to hang on to their games.
"So, you're sayin' that the bet is still on, but you're also seriously suggestin' we make them gifts instead?" Mr. Krabs raised an eyebrow, looking at Plankton with doubt. "Ehh, as much as I would love not spendin' any money, I ain't sure how much I trust your little plan will work."
"Of course, it will work!" Plankton exclaimed, jumping to his feet. "It's not like it's a hairbrained scheme to steal a certain formula, heh, heh," he chuckled. "Which is definitely not still in the works as I speak."
Mr. Krabs peered at him with suspicion. "Besides the gift, it's too bad I wasn't able to buy that flyswatter either."
Plankton gulped loudly, smiling sheepishly. "Anyway, women love homemade gifts! It'll be easier than it was for us to ransack the mall," he crossed his arms over his chest.
"I wouldn't be too sure about that. Other than me secret formula, I ain't very good at makin' things. And neither are you."
Plankton's eye shot open, looking at him with shock. "What?! Look who you're talkin' to, Krabs. This evil genius has invented more scientific gadgets than you could count. Not to mention I built the Chum Bucket with my own two hands," he grinned smugly.
"That explains why it's always fallin' apart."
Growling under his breath and steaming, Plankton stomped his little feet into the ground. "Oh, whatever! I'm done with this conversation. Right now, I need to focus on making Karen's gift so that I can win the bet!" he began walking away, which enraged his nemesis.
"Who says you're winnin' the bet?!" Mr. Krabs stood up. "What are you plannin' on makin' with them grubby hands of yours, anyway?" he demanded, causing Plankton to turn around.
"Ha! Like I'd tell you a thing about what I'm making. But I will tell you this: it's gonna be a heck of a lot better than whatever it is that you'll be making!"
"Oh, yeah?! Well, we'll just see about that!"
"Yes, we will. Penny-pincher!"
"Creepy, crawly bacteria!"
"Crusty bottom feeder!"
"Dirty, lowdown, soul-suckin' vermin!"
"Big, red…" Plankton's mind suddenly felt as empty as his restaurant. "Uhh… I'll call you later on when I think of a way to finish that offensive remark."
"Much appreciated!"
"No problem!"
They smiled momentarily like they hadn't been jumping down each other's throats. Snapping out of it, they snarled one last time before walking off to their boats.
Just when it seemed like the madness was finally over with, out came Squidward from the main exit; still being chased around by the relentless children.
"AHH! AHHH! Get away, you little animals! I hope Santa leaves you nothing but lumps of coal in your stockings! AHH!" Squidward ran with his tentacles out in front of him, just as the children began hurling spitballs at him.
Oh, what a wonderful time of year this was.