The Birds Who Smile, a Batman fanfic by Raberba girl
Chapter 14.1 (rough draft 2)
Bruce would have liked to sleep for a lot longer than a few hours, but his young roommates put a stop to that. He woke up a little after ten o'clock, horribly stiff from sleeping on the floor, and could tell immediately what the children were up to from the noise that had awakened him.
All three boys were having a grand old time jumping on his bed and throwing his pillows around, giggling and shrieking and crowing their excitement. At least, they were until Bruce lumbered to his feet. The instant they saw him up and shambling toward them in clear disapproval, John and Peter fled, racing to hide behind furniture on the other side of the room.
"Nnooo? We were not jumping," Jack signed innocently, standing amidst the rumpled bedding and battered pillows.
"Jack," Bruce said, his voice rough from the discomfort of his sleep, "I'm not angry, but don't do it again, and do not lie to me. All three of you will help Alfred fix the bed later." He put a brightly-colored note on the pillow to inform Alfred in case he forgot to tell the butler himself.
"Good bed." Jack followed Bruce around the bathroom, copying when he could, even to the point of stepping into the shower with him. Bruce sighed, too tired to protest, and squirted some shampoo into the child's waiting hands.
He was also too tired to shave or do more than simply smooth down his hair after toweling it off. By the time he got dressed, the older boys had crept out of hiding. "...Seatbelts?"
"Not now." He didn't want any of the League to see his youngest children acting like they were being tortured; he'd have to wait until all his guests left. "Maybe in the afternoon."
"Breakfast?"
"We will eat soon. Get dressed first." He tried to put a little more effort into getting the children ready for the day (John was starting to be more assertive about which specific articles of clothing he wanted to wear. Bruce let him, even though it meant the boy would be facing the day in a shiny blue leotard, paired with Wonder Woman shorts and an oversized, bright yellow jacket with beaded fringe that he had somehow unearthed in the depths of the manor), then followed them when they galloped down to the more public part of the house.
The only ones already up were Damian, who was playing with Jon and Titus in the back yard, and Clark, Lois, and Victor, who were all sitting around a table on the terrace and having a quiet, pleasant conversation.
As soon as Bruce slid open the back door, the children raced out into the sunlit greenery. "And there they go," Bruce sighed, vaguely displeased until he remembered that he hadn't actually had any specific plans for them. Ignoring Damian's indignant screeching at being interrupted, Jon's laughter, and Titus's excited barking at the arrival of new playmates, Bruce shuffled over to the table where the adults were and slumped into a free chair.
"Good morning!" all three of them greeted him, sounding ridiculously chipper after the night they'd all had.
"Why's there no coffee?" Bruce mumbled.
"Alfred's still asleep, and we didn't want to poke around in his kitchen without permission," Lois said sheepishly.
"'S fine," Bruce said, eyes closed as he propped his elbow on the table and rested his forehead in his palm. "Go make coffee, I'll deal w' Alfred. Or tea, or...wh'ever you want..."
His friends watched him curiously. "...Did he just fall asleep sitting up?" Victor finally said.
"Yes," Clark chuckled, able to tell from the rate of Bruce's breathing and heartbeat. "Want me to bring you anything in particular, Lo?"
"Ooohh, no, he gave us the okay, so I want to explore," Lois said eagerly, getting up to join him. "Rich people have all sorts of randomly cool things in their kitchens."
"I bet he drinks, like, pure goat's milk from the Himalayas with his breakfast cereal," Victor laughed. "And I bet the cereal's some organic, gluten-free stuff he eats with fresh berries or- Well, no, Batman doesn't eat breakfast cereal, does he."
"His kids do," Clark called over his shoulder. "Dick likes Justice League Blasters."
"Seriously?! Ooh, I am getting me some of that!" Victor exclaimed, jumping up to follow them inside.
One by one, more people awakened and joined them until they had a system established. Clark and Victor cooked, as Lois located and supplied everyone with drinks and utensils, and Barry conveyed fresh food and dirty plates between the kitchen and terrace, in between happily gobbling down his own breakfast.
Alfred eventually appeared, perfectly pressed, and politely kicked everyone out of the kitchen so he could take over. The entire League was awake and pretty much having a brunch party on the terrace by the time the rest of the Bats came straggling to join them.
"Look at all you sleepyheads, you guys really are nocturnal," Simon laughed.
Dick smiled over his cereal, allowing John to hoist himself half over his shoulder and swipe pieces out of the bowl. Peter was creeping around the table, seeing how many plates he could steal from without getting caught, and blissfully unaware that at least half the people he was stealing from were deliberately looking the other way. Titus stalked him in turn, and was rewarded with an occasional shared tidbit. Jack, wielding a pair of tongs with both hands, was taking great pleasure in the role reversal of making an amused Diana and Jessica ask, in sign language, for each morsel of their food.
Bruce slept through all of it.
"What the heck," Simon finally remarked in awed puzzlement, "I thought that Batman was supposed to be super-vigilant or something."
"You'd think at least the noise would wake him up," Duke agreed.
"It's because he feels safe," Dick explained. Everyone suddenly quieted and fixed their attention on him. "He doesn't usually fall asleep like this, but when he's got his best friends, who happen to be some of the most powerful metas on Earth, gathered around to watch his back and keep an eye on the baby birds? With us big birds here to counter if necessary? He knows that all his bases are covered, and he can afford to let his guard down a little."
"Oh, Bruce," Diana murmured affectionately, reaching out a hand as if to pet Bruce's hair, though she pulled back at the last moment so as not to wake him.
"Granted, I wouldn't put it past him to be subconsciously retaining everything he hears to process later when he's conscious," Tim added, "but yeah. Basically."
"That's really sweet," Barry said sincerely, "but he's going to miss breakfast if he doesn't wake up soon. He has missed breakfast! It's practically lunch time now."
Dick's grin turned slightly evil. "Watch this." He straightened up and drew in a breath. "OH MY GOD IT'S BANE!"
o.o.o.o.o
DANGER
Bruce jerked awake, distractedly admonished himself for having fallen asleep, then frowned when he found himself surrounded by literally every person currently staying in his home. Almost all of them were laughing at him. "What?" When had everyone woken up? Where had all this food come from? Why were they laughing? With all this noise and lack of privacy, he couldn't replay his subconscious record of whatever they'd been talking about while he was asleep, but he would check the manor's security system when he had a chance.
For now, since they were all obnoxiously refusing to explain and pushing a huge plate of food in front of him, Bruce didn't bother to make a big deal about it. If there really was danger, either his security measures or the League's super-senses would have detected it, but everyone seemed relaxed and happy.
"Did you sleep well?" Barry asked him.
"I'm the host, I'm supposed to be asking you all that," Bruce said sourly.
"You didn't, though," Simon pointed out.
"For the record," Arthur let it be known, "I slept excellently. Your guest quarters are decent, for being on land."
"Thanks," Bruce said in the same dry tone Arthur's 'compliments' always seemed to incite in him.
"They are excellent sleeping chambers," Diana said in a reassuring tone. Her expression turned ever so slightly mischievous. "If a little heavy for my taste."
"Oh, stop it. Bruce, you have a very nice house," Clark said, in a way that was meant to be supportive but sounded condescending to Bruce.
"I even found the goat milk!" Victor proclaimed triumphantly, making the others laugh for some reason.
Bruce sighed deeply, wondering why he felt so peaceful when his friends were being so annoying.
It was past noon by the time everyone finished eating. Most of the League insisted on helping clean up, which guilted the Bats into helping as well (all of them but Jason and Duke had always been terrible about distinguishing between the times Alfred needed to control the manor's upkeep and the times he appreciated assistance).
Then there was some mild chaos for a while with all the farewell bidding, people chatting when they were supposed to be farewell bidding, the young adult Bats getting into scuffles because the disruption of their routines had left them with too much energy to burn, the child Bats shrieking around the house with Jon and Titus in what might or might not have been a game, their parents too preoccupied to do more than call out an occasional "Quiet down!"...
Finally, the door closed behind the last guest. "Clark," Bruce murmured. Superman would still be subconsciously attuned to the sounds of Wayne Manor until distance and new things to focus on eventually pulled his attention away. He didn't want the Kryptonian to double back when he heard screaming. "You know I would never hurt them. Mind your own business."
Jack was already clinging to his back like a little monkey, still murmuring under his breath, "Bbye-bye, bbye-bye, aall ggone." The older two were just starting to wander away; Bruce managed to grab hold of them before they could get far. Both of them screamed in terror at the sudden restrictive grip.
"Seatbelts."
"CROOOWW!" John howled.
When Peter heard the explanation, the terror in his eyes softened to anger and petulance. "Nnnooo! No! No! No!" he shrieked, kicking and struggling in what was now vehement protest rather than panic.
"I ddoht llaikk'tt!" Jack shouted, beating a fist against Bruce but not trying to get down.
Dick, unable to bear the children's screaming when he wasn't allowed to make it stop, had already vanished. Tim was staring in shock as Bruce dragged the shrieking, struggling children past him. "What the hell...?"
"They really, really, really don't like seatbelts," Duke explained.
"I have explained to them that if they put up with it without all these theatrics, they will no longer be forced into it every day," Damian huffed, "but they refuse to believe me."
"Trauma doesn't work like that, buddy," Duke said, patting his shoulder.
In the garage, Bruce shut the children in the car with him. Peter kicked and screamed and lashed out, then, his displeasure vented, he wrapped himself around his younger brother to wait. John had knelt on the seat, shaking and crying. He curled up in a corner and put his arms over his head.
"Ice cream," Jack stormed. "You bad to us I hate it, you give us ice cream!"
"Yes."
"You give us ice cream!"
"When the timer goes off, you will get ice cream as a reward."
"...Clock make number number number zero, ZERO I like it, first zero then ice cream! First zero then ice cream!"
"Yes."
"Do not hurt us!"
"I will not."
"...I don't like seatbelts!"
"I know."
"...Teach me."
"Teach you what?"
Jack made an expressive, whole body shrug that Bruce took to mean, "Anything."
"All right. You can count, right?"
"Wwuh ttoo ffee ffour ffai," Jack said scornfully.
"Can you count by twos? Two, four, six, eight, ten."
Jack stared at him.
"You count, but you skip a number each time. Skip one, start with two. Skip three, say four. Skip five, say six. Two, four, six, eight, ten, twelve, fourteen..."
Jack continued staring, his face lighting up with interest at the challenge. "...Ttwo." He paused. "Ttwo, fffour." His lips moved silently as he calculated. "Ttwo, ffour, ssiixx...eeeiightt...tttenn..."
The timer went off. Bruce opened the door and the younger boys immediately rushed out. He gave them their ice cream, relieved when they cheered up almost at once.
Their older brother, however, was still in the car. Bruce brought the cooler over. "Which one do you want, John? Ice cream, chips, or something from the kitchen?"
John looked at him. "crow" he said pointedly. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. crow"
"No..." He hadn't even technically forced the seatbelts on them yet. Peter and Jack might be ready for it next time, but John was still so hurt and resentful about it even without being strapped down... "This isn't like that, John. I don't want to hurt or scare you. I'm doing this so you'll be safe when I take you places other than the manor."
John finally crawled out of the car, slowly and stiffly, and consumed his reward in complete silence.
TBC
A/N: For those who don't know, Simon is Simon Baz, one of the Green Lanterns. He and Jessica Cruz didn't get along at first, so Hal Jordan did something to link their Lanterns and force them to cooperate more. Simon & Jessica are the Lanterns on the Rebirth Justice League team; I have no idea what Hal is doing, but he's got his own Rebirth series, separate from the one that features Simon & Jessica.