Author's Note: We just finished our season two rewatch in our little group, and that inspired me to get back to this story. I'm not sure how many chapters until I fic-hop again, though! I tend to use this one as a stopgap when I need a break from everything else.
"This is going to be weird." The words were barely audible, murmured to herself, but Kurt looked over at Jane anyway.
It was about an hour before they'd arranged to have the team come back over, and they were in the midst of getting presentable for actual company. Kurt had showered while Jane was out at the grocery store, shopping for party supplies and a few essentials. She'd come back before he'd finished, but in contrast to every other time he'd gotten out of the bathroom after showering, this time she wasn't next to him, nuzzling his bare shoulder and running her hands over his bare chest.
Maybe the novelty of him being mostly naked around her was wearing off. "What's gonna be weird?"
Jane looked up from her seat on the bed—her phone was still plugged into the charger, which explained why she was sitting in the bedroom instead of the living room—and the apprehension on her face faded. Instead, she stood up and crossed to his side, wrapping her arms around his waist and kissing a stray droplet of water from his collarbone.
That's better. He inwardly rolled his eyes at himself for how much he was enjoying the validation, but then tilted her head up for a soft, lingering kiss. Still can't believe I get to do this every day.
She smiled up at him, and his heart gave a tiny jump, even before she said, "They had chocolate brownies on sale, so I grabbed you some."
"Thank you. Although…if you keep buying me treats every time you leave the apartment, I'm gonna get fat," he teased.
"That's okay. I'll still love you."
"I know. But the FBI does have certain fitness requirements."
"You could take a desk job." Jane laughed at his expression. "I know, I know, and hell will freeze over. I'll try not to go overboard with the chocolate gifts. I just… Before, when I saw things that made me think of you, it would have been weird to actually buy them and give them to you. But now I can, and I guess I just can't help myself."
A wave of emotion made his diaphragm contract. "Love you, too."
Another quick kiss, and he tried to gather his thoughts. "Speaking of weird, what were you talking about before?"
"Oh, uh…" Jane shifted sheepishly. "I got a text from Patterson, and I guess I just…don't know how tonight is gonna go. I mean, between the case being over and us being together now, everything is so different than it was a few days ago."
Kurt nodded, thinking back to his last day in the office, and the brief evening gathering that had followed. "It is. But different for the better, I think."
Jane's eyes clouded. "Yeah, for you and me. But Patterson? Reade? Even Zapata, though I don't know what exactly is going on with her."
Good point. "Yeah. And we've all gone through hell. It changes people, but we have each other's backs now. We know who we are and what's important to us."
Jane nodded slowly. "Even so, I don't want to come across too couple-y tonight. It's not that I'm ashamed that we're together or anything, but it feels wrong to be too happy just yet. I mean, after the massacre in SIOC, I barely know how to look anyone in the face, and since it happened I've not really spoken to many people outside of our core team."
He gathered her close, held her tightly. "Jane… No one blames you."
She sighed. "I believe you don't. Maybe the rest of our team don't, either. But the people in SIOC who worked the most closely with the agents who died? If they do feel like I'm to blame, I won't be surprised."
He kissed the top of her head, knowing there was nothing he could say that would change her mind. She'd have to see it for herself, when she returned to work. The time off had been good for them in a lot of ways, but it didn't give Jane a way for her to challenge her assumptions, and Kurt was feeling more and more like he should be back in his office, helping people deal with the aftermath of the SIOC attack. If not for the time he was getting to spend with Jane, he'd be trying to push Hirst to let him go back early.
After a long, silent moment, Jane stepped back from their embrace. "Anyway, I just don't want to make anyone uncomfortable tonight, so…"
"No making out in front of the team. Got it."
Jane smiled at that, the sadness in her demeanour lifting. "It'll be good to see them, though. You guys are all such a huge part of my life. When Hirst offered me a relocation, I just kind of…went blank on what else there I could possibly do with my future."
Kurt nodded. "Risk your life with people every day, and they become a part of you, I guess."
"Makes me glad we don't work with Rich Dotcom often," Jane said wryly.
"At least that's something we'll never have to worry about happening." Thank god.
As Jane returned to her phone, laughing, Kurt resumed the task of getting dressed. His leg was still sore and tender, though the healing process was coming along. It would still be a week or so until he wouldn't have to worry about tearing his stitches.
And that day held a million possibilities he couldn't think about right now, with the team arriving within an hour.
He'd just finished fastening one of his more casual button-down shirts when Jane laughed. He looked up to find her watching him, amusement and desire on her face.
"What?" Intrigued, he moved towards her.
Jane stood up and put her arms around his neck, her gaze dropping to his chest for a second. "Just…thinking about an old habit."
Mystified, he waited for her to clarify her thoughts.
"This is the first time since we got together that you're wearing a shirt with buttons. You've worn shirts in exactly this way, for at least half of every week since I first met you, and I always, always had to stop myself from thinking too much about…doing this."
She tilted his head a little to one side and pressed her face into the opening at the top of his shirt, inhaling deeply as she nuzzled him with her nose, then brushed a kiss over his skin. His clueless curiosity instantly became lust.
"It was very distracting," she said, still nuzzling him.
"I'm surprised I never noticed that." He tipped up her chin and kissed her lips, much less innocently than he had before.
Jane leaned back, her voice a little breathless. "I used to daydream about doing that sometimes. Especially when we were standing or sitting close together, looking at something. You know when the way someone smells just…does something to you?"
Oh, yeah, I definitely know.
"Tell me more about this 'something'." He let his hands drift down to her ass, pulling her more firmly against him as his cock began to stir.
Jane looked up at him from under her long lashes. "I would, but we have nowhere near enough time for all the dirty talk that would lead to."
Remembering the team were coming over, Kurt shook his head ruefully. "You have the worst timing, telling me about this now."
"Hey, you were the one who picked the shirt." She toyed with his top button.
"At this rate, the team are gonna walk in, then straight back out again." And he'd cheerfully bid them all farewell…again.
"Want me to…take the edge off?" she asked, reaching for his belt with a suggestive smile.
Hell, yes.
"What about your edge?" he asked, trying to think straight as she rubbed the front of his jeans.
"If you go down on me, you'll just keep going until they're knocking on the door." Jane gave him a swift, fiery kiss, her hands busy unbuckling and unzipping him. "But…I can multi-task."
It took his distracted brain a few moments to figure out what she meant. By the time he unravelled her meaning—that she could take care of herself and him at the same time—Jane was already sinking to her knees in front of him.
"I'll make it up to you later," he promised, wishing his leg injury away for the millionth time.
She smiled. "I know."
Reade was the first to arrive, drawing Jane into a hug as soon as she approached. "I meant to say this last time I saw you, but… Glad you're not dead, and not just because I get to avoid radiation poisoning."
She returned his embrace, laughing. "Thanks. Me, too. How've you been spending your week off?"
"Sleeping. I can do that a lot better, now Sandstorm's dealt with." He handed her a bottle of wine. "Want to get started?"
"Gotta get a headstart on Patterson, right?" Kurt took the bottle from Jane and headed into the kitchen.
Zapata walked in a few minutes later, grinning when she saw Jane. "Oh, wow, your face is almost back to normal already!"
"Natasha Zapata, queen of tact," Reade commented wryly.
"Oh, shut up. She knows it looked bad. Mirrors exist." Zapata rolled her eyes and pulled Jane into a hug.
"Yeah, still hurts a little, but it's getting there." Jane's bruises were in the sickly yellow stage of healing—she no longer got as many looks of concern from passers-by in the street, thank god. "Thank you for not pretending it didn't look awful."
"What, Weller was doing that 'you look beautiful' thing?" Zapata shook her head reproachfully. "Women are never fooled by that crap."
"More like resistant to hearing the truth," Kurt said, handing Zapata a glass. "Bruises or no bruises—didn't matter to me."
"Awww, that's almost sweet." Tasha gave him a quick hug. "How's the leg?"
"Taking its sweet time to heal. How's the gunshot wound?"
Zapata sighed. "Ditto. But at least we don't have to work through it, right?"
"Says the woman who ripped out her IV and left the hospital against medical advice," Kurt teased.
"Says the man who did the exact same thing after being caught in a bomb blast that tore open his jugular last year," Zapata retorted.
Jane winced. They'd all suffered physical injuries because of the Sandstorm case—Kurt caught by a bomb blast in ZOMO's gallery, Reade's leg crushed under the weight of Shepherd's collapsing compound, Patterson shot by Borden and tortured by Shepherd, and Zapata injected with neurotoxin by the Akkadian, as well as shot by Parker.
All because of Jane.
"Heyyyyy!" Patterson's voice interrupted her spiral into guilt, and she turned just in time to be engulfed in another hug. "Your bruises look so much better!"
Jane returned her friend's embrace, smiling. "Thanks for saving our asses again the other day."
"You don't ever have to thank me for that. I'm just glad it's over."
They settled down to drink, the atmosphere relaxed. Jane couldn't help but look around and think about how thankful she was that these people had all accepted her back into their inner circle, after everything she'd done to betray them. She was one of the luckiest people in the world.
After around thirty minutes, Zapata frowned. "Excuse me, what is this?"
Jane frowned as her friend gestured at her, then at Kurt, several times. They were sitting in separate spots, Jane having taken one of the dining chairs when they'd all sat down, and Kurt having chosen to sit on the couch next to Patterson. "What's what?"
"Did you guys have a fight already?" Patterson asked.
"No," Jane said, surprised. "Why do you ask?"
"Ummm, because couples generally sit together?" Zapata pointed out. "And you guys have barely interacted all night?"
"Told you," Kurt said to Jane, smiling a little.
Jane looked down at her drink, embarrassed. "I just…didn't want to make things weird for you guys."
"You wanna know what was weird? When you guys were pissed at each other. We're just used to you by this point. You might as well give each other a little low-key PDA." Zapata shrugged.
"Really low-key, though. Gonna have to draw a line somewhere," Reade added.
"As long as you're not making out in front of us, I think we can all deal." Patterson rolled her eyes and got up from the couch. "C'mon, Jane, switch seats."
"Yeah, don't act like you don't wanna." Zapata grinned.
"You guys are kind of making this weird for me," Jane said, getting up from her seat.
"Hey, you've been playing this thing out in our presence, the whole time we've known you. We're entitled to have a stake in it." Patterson sat in Jane's chair, leaving her to take the remaining seat next to Kurt.
As soon as she sat down, Kurt laced his fingers through hers. Hoping she wasn't blushing, Jane bit her lip and looked around at their friends, all of whom were giving small signs of approval.
"You okay?" Kurt said softly.
"Yeah. I guess it's gonna take some getting used to."
"It's good to see you both happy," Reade said.
"And it's not like we didn't know it was going to happen." Patterson's eyes twinkled.
"Just make sure you don't do this at work, and it's all good." Zapata raised her glass. "To Jane and Kurt finally ending their tortured 'can't have you' courtship ritual."
"To changing the subject," Kurt said pointedly, raising his own.
"Hear, hear," Jane chimed in, amused and embarrassed.
"To adorably awkward new couples," Patterson said, smiling.
"And to getting some takeout, because I'm starving," Reade added.
They all drank, not bothering to clink glasses together first, and Jane leaned against Kurt with a small smile. To my friends.
A few hours later, when their bellies were full of Thai food and their glasses refilled with the drinks of their choice, Reade asked, "So Jane, are you gonna change your name now everything's all over?"
She shook her head. "I've been called Jane so often now, I'm just used to it. Might as well keep it."
"But Jane Doe?" Zapata asked. "It sounds like a fake name."
How could she explain it to them in a way that made sense? "I know, but Jane Doe has done a lot of good things to counter what Remi Briggs did. If I changed my name again now, it would kind of feel like resetting the scales. I don't want that."
Zapata nodded. "That makes sense. Oh, hey, speaking of everything being all over, I got in touch with Nas and told her about the end of Phase Two, but Keaton had gotten there first. I think she might be helping out with Shepherd's…debriefing, even though she's not with the NSA anymore."
Jane's stomach turned, and she closed her eyes for a moment.
"Zapata," Kurt said, a note of warning in his voice.
Tasha looked contrite. "I'm sorry, Jane. I wasn't thinking."
"It's okay," Jane said, forcing a smile. "I guess if anyone deserves a black site, it's Shepherd."
Kurt's fingers tightened around hers. "We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to."
Jane looked around at her friends. "There was…something I wanted to say, actually."
Patterson frowned. "Go ahead."
"I just…" Jane stalled, fighting another wave of guilt. "I know you've all been through hell on this case, because of my family. And because of me. I just wanted to apologise again, now the case is closed. It was what Remi wanted, but it was never what I wanted."
"Jane, we know that." Kurt's eyes were concerned as she looked up at him.
"Yeah, you fought against Shepherd, and Roman, to help save all of our lives. If not for you disarming those bombs at the NYO the other day, we'd all be dead." Reade shook his head.
"But because of me, you remembered your trauma, Reade." Jane looked from him to Patterson. "And what you went through with Borden… Remi was the one who recruited him to Sandstorm. Zapata was kidnapped by Parker, and then later he shot her. And all of you were there for the NYO massacre. And Kurt…"
He shook his head. "You don't have to feel bad for any of that. Not anymore. It's in the past."
It was Zapata who came to Jane's defence, surprising her. "You went through just as much as any of us, Jane."
"No, I—" Jane started to protest.
"We need to make this clear, or you'll be apologising for it for the rest of our lives." Zapata shook her head. "I know how hard this year was on you. The longest undercover mission I've ever been on was three days, and I felt like a nervous wreck by the end of it. You were undercover with Sandstorm for months."
"It was the least I could do to make up for what Shepherd was planning," Jane said automatically.
Zapata sighed. "That doesn't change the fact that it was hell on you."
Jane shrugged. "You guys still had to endure more."
Tasha groaned. "Don't make me do this, Jane…" When Jane gave her a blank look, she said, "I overheard you freaking out, that time in the ladies' room."
Jane inwardly flinched. She'd thought she'd managed to keep the worst of her mental distress hidden from the team, but evidently not. Kurt was tense beside her, and she sensed the others' eyes on her, too.
Jane looked down at her lap. "You're…gonna have to narrow it down."
"It was a regular thing? Shit, Jane, I'm sorry," Zapata said quietly.
"When was this, Tasha?" Kurt asked. "And why didn't you say anything to me?"
Zapata's voice was apologetic. "Back when Jane first came back, I didn't trust her. So when she used to leave SIOC on her own, sometimes I'd follow her, to see if I could catch her doing anything that would prove she was still working for Sandstorm. I never did, because she wasn't, but one time I followed her into the ladies' room and overheard her having a panic attack in one of the stalls."
Kurt squeezed her hand tightly, and Jane swallowed around the lump in her throat, not daring to look up.
"Oh, Jane," Patterson murmured.
"At the time I didn't try to help, because I thought you deserved it." There was a note of shame in Zapata's voice. "I was glad you were suffering. But I was wrong. You didn't deserve any of this, and you've proved yourself a million times since you came back. We all know what side you're on now, and we know you would never wish harm on any of us. So quit feeling guilty, and quit apologising, okay?"
"Agreed," Patterson said softly.
"Hey, Jane, don't worry about it. It happens." Reade's voice held a reassuring note. Jane got the feeling he'd had a few panic attacks of his own over the past few months. "And this is gonna get me punched in the face if Weller hasn't gotten around to saying the words yet, but he's not the only one here who loves you. We all do."
Jane nodded, a warm glow spreading through her chest at their words. She really didn't deserve friends like these, but she wouldn't give them up for the world. Even if they did blurt out embarrassing mental health secrets during a social gathering.
About to tell her friends that she loved them, too, she instead smothered the instinct to smile as another thought occurred to her. It would be a good way to change the subject.
Putting on an air of confusion, she frowned at Reade. "Wait—what words are you talking about?"
The expression on Reade's face was priceless. He looked from Jane to Kurt with the increasing unease of someone realising they'd put their foot in their mouth. Jane couldn't help but feel a little bad for him, as amusing as she found the situation.
For his part, Kurt was clearing his throat and looking uncomfortable, running with her ruse. Only Patterson's open snickering clued Reade in, and after a few seconds, Jane joined her in laughter.
"Oh, what?" Realising he'd been played, Reade scowled at them good-naturedly and took another sip of his beer. "You have to admit, there was a chance you might not have gotten to saying it yet."
"He said it on comms, just after you went to tell the DC police that they could relax." Patterson gave Kurt a reassuring look. "I think I was the only one listening closely enough to hear it."
"He did? I thought I was paying attention, but I didn't hear it. Good ears," Zapata told her.
Kurt and Jane traded slightly self-conscious looks, but then he smiled and kissed the top of her head. "I didn't really have a choice about when I passed out, and I was afraid I'd wake up with Jane already on her way to California or somewhere, so…"
"I'm glad things worked out this way. Sorry if my meddling was unwelcome," Patterson said.
"Gotta admit, Patterson, I was surprised to get a hug from you when I walked back into SIOC," Kurt told her. "You were radiating some angry vibes there for a while."
Patterson shifted in her seat. "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, you guys. I just reached the end of my rope, I guess. With the whole Sandstorm situation, not just you two, but you guys took the brunt of it."
"Are you feeling better now?" Jane asked.
"A lot less stressed," Patterson said hesitantly, "but I don't know if I want to…stay with the FBI."
Alarmed concern flaring through her, Jane sat forward. "You want to leave? But you're so good at what you do, and I thought you enjoyed it."
"We'd hate to lose you, Patterson," Kurt said quietly. "But it's your choice."
Reade and Zapata stayed quiet. Patterson's bombshell didn't appear to be news to them.
"I don't know if I can take it anymore," Patterson confessed, sighing. "There have been so many lives riding on me being able to do my job recently. Tens of millions last week, not just hundreds or thousands. That's…pretty scary. And I'm not… I'm not that stable these days. I don't know how I could live with myself if I make a mistake that kills people, even just one person, and I feel like a mistake must be coming up."
Jane swallowed hard. Patterson had suffered worse than anyone else as a result of Sandstorm's machinations. Any further trauma would likely break her for good. It would be selfish to expect her to stay, and yet Jane couldn't imagine their team without Patterson.
"What will you do instead, if you leave?" she asked.
Patterson shrugged, seeming embarrassed. "It sounds so trivial compared to what we've been working on, but…I always wanted to try and make game apps, do something fun with my coding skills. And there's pressure in the games industry, sure, but compared to the pressure we've been under every day, I think I could handle that pretty well."
"You should start your own company," Zapata said. "You know what the tech industry is like—full of insufferable guys with overinflated egos, who feel threatened that women might intrude into their sacred spaces and be better at their jobs than they are. The only way you're gonna get paid what you're worth is if you set your own salary."
"Hmm… Maybe." Patterson looked thoughtful. "Anyway. Nothing is set in stone yet, and we're supposed to be celebrating. Who wants another drink?"