Scene 5

SOUND EFFECT: Cops murmuring

ABIGAIL:

So many policemen. Whatever are they all still doing here?

MRS. HUDSON:

Trying to look as if they've got any notion of what's going on, if Mr. Holmes is to be believed. I suppose a judge's position gets the fellows stepping lively. Now, hurry up, dear, and tie on the apron Mrs. Dunlop gave you. We must look as if we work here in the house.

ABIGAIL:

But why? They're not letting anybody in.

MRS. HUDSON:

That's what the scrub bucket's for, dear. Now, chum me close, girl, and do as I do.

SOUND EFFECT: Footsteps on floorboards

MRS. HUDSON:

Excuse us, gentlemen, but you'll be stepping aside now, thank you very much. We were sent to turn over the parlor.

(Enter INSPECTOR LESTRADE.)

INSPECTOR LESTRADE:

Ma'am, this is the scene of a crime, there's to be no one setting foot in this room until— by thunder! Is that you, Mrs. Hudson?

MRS. HUDSON:

Why, Inspector Lestrade! You're on this one?

ABIGAIL:

You know him, ma'am?

MRS. HUDSON:

He's been known to trouble Mr. Holmes time and again.

INSPECTOR LESTRADE:

Mrs. Hudson, as I live and breathe! Don't tell me he's got you poking into things for him now!

MRS. HUDSON:

No, Inspector. You're in luck, as Mr. Holmes is taken abroad for the moment. But I am looking into this matter.

INSPECTOR LESTRADE:

You and Watson both now? Is it a ruddy disease you caught off of him?

MRS. HUDSON:

I'm here on behalf of the girl— Miss Susan Kirkwood the lady's maid, who your men have got locked up in her room on charges you can't even prove.

INSPECTOR LESTRADE:

We are in the middle of an investigation, Mrs. Hudson; all possibilities must be explored. But between you and me, it's only a matter time now before we track down what the girl did.

MRS. HUDSON:

What a lot of bollocks!

INSPECTOR LESTRADE:

I'll have you we've gone through the room with a fine toothed comb, and haven't seen so much as a glimmer of that damnable ruby. Someone had to have spirited away the bloody thing, because it surely isn't in there! And that girl's the only soul who's entered or left.

ABIGAIL:

Then what's the harm of us taking a look?

INSPECTOR LESTRADE:

See here, missie, what do the two of you expect to find that a team of trained officers couldn't?

MRS. HUDSON:

If we knew, we wouldn't care to look, now, would we? You said it yourself— you've combed over every bit of that parlor. If the girl or anyone else has made off with the stone, then there's nothing to left to find, and so there's nothing left to disturb.

INSPECTOR LESTRADE:

And what would you have me tell my sergeant?

MRS. HUDSON:

Tell him that the judge wanted to rescue his rug.

INSPECTOR LESTRADE:

Now who's talking bollocks?

MRS. HUDSON:

For shame, Inspector! How much longer are you going to let those stains set?

INSPECTOR LESTRADE:

It is not the purview of Scotland Yard to concern over stains—

MRS. HUDSON:

Oh? And is that what you'll be telling Judge Evanston? Do you want to explain to the master of the house that his Persian rug is for lost? Or… I can always tell Mr. Holmes who knocked over his titration system while waiting in his parlor.

INSPECTOR LESTRADE:

You wouldn't!

MRS. HUDSON:

I would. And next time I won't go to the trouble of making cheap grog look like spirits of ether just to save your hide.

INSPECTOR LESTRADE:

(Growls) Do you swear you won't make a mess of things in there?

ABIGAIL:

Quite the contrary, sir. We've come to clear it away.

INSPECTOR LESTRADE:

Oh, blast it. (Raising his voice) Clear off for a tick, boys. We've got to let the maids in before the judge's parlor's ruined. (Muttering) You're as bad as Holmes, you are.

MRS. HUDSON:

Thank you kindly, Inspector. Now, step aside. We've got a stain to take on.

TRANSITION MUSIC.

(Exit INSPECTOR LESTRADE.)