The Birds Who Smile, a Batman fanfic by Raberba girl
Chapter 21.1 (rough draft 2)
Bruce awoke to the sound of a thump and soft swearing, and jerked upright to find his butler in the kitchenette, bracing one hand against the countertop and glaring at the rapidly spreading pool of orange juice on the floor. "Alfred! What are you doing out of bed?" Bruce exclaimed, hurrying up to him.
"Attempting to put together some breakfast. I'm quite famished."
This was a good sign, particularly paired with the cool forehead Bruce could feel under his palm. "Sit down, I'll get you something to eat. Let me take your temperature."
"No need. The fever's broken, I feel fine - other than hungry, a bit weak, and in need of a wash."
Bruce still insisted, and was glad to confirm that Alfred's temperature back to normal. Between the two of them, they got a meal on the table, and ate together as Bruce caught up Alfred on everything that had happened. The butler gradually straightened as he ate, his movements more quick and sure over the course of breakfast, but his expression was grave.
"This is...ill news," Alfred said heavily.
"I'm so angry at myself, I could...punch...something." Bruce didn't have the words to express the depth of his self-disgust.
"We will get through this, as we have endured every other blow this family has suffered."
After they'd finished eating, Alfred went to shower and dress, and Bruce left to do the same in his own room. He checked his phone as he went, frowned in confusion, and started to detour toward his study with its entrance to the Batcave, but then he suddenly heard Dick shouting. Bruce instantly forgot what he was doing and rushed to his son's room instead.
o.o.o
Dick wasn't sure what woke him. The first thing he noticed was that two warm bodies were tucked close to his, one of them a sleeping Peter, the other-
"JACK!"
The little boy, who had a film of snot beneath his nose, had been sucking and chewing on his thumb, but his teeth were so sharp that blood was streaming down his arm.
"Jackie, don't do that! I can give you something safe to chew on if- JOHNNY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" He'd dragged Jack halfway to the bathroom before he'd realized what the third child was up to.
John, who was struggling with a belt looped around his neck, screeched and fought when Dick descended on him. "What the HELL, Johnny!" Dick shouted. John resisted so strongly that it was an actual fight to force the belt off him and fling it away, and then hold him down to stop him from scrambling after it. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
"CROOOOOW! CROOOOOW! CROOOO-!"
The door banged open. At the sight of Bruce, all three birds screamed, and the younger ones dove under the bed. John managed to buck out of Dick's hands and followed.
"What happened?" Bruce asked urgently.
"Oh, NOTHING!" Dick spat with cheerful savagery. "Just one of my baby brothers trying to chew his own thumb off, and another one trying to FUCKING STRANGLE HIMSELF."
Bruce swore and got down to check under the bed. Jack was sobbing, Peter was hissing; John had started to Joker-laugh. Bruce swore and thrust his hands into his hair, trying to think. "Help me smoke them out. Shut the bathroom and closet doors first," he ordered, going to close the exit to the hall. The children might be able to open doors now, but they were still too slow and clumsy at it to be able to escape before being caught.
The birds ended up under the desk, clinging to each other and shaking. Peter's unintelligible shouting masked Jack's weeping, but didn't completely cover the sound of John's incessant laughter.
Dick was covering his face, unable to bear the children's anguish but unable to leave them alone with the person they feared so much. Bruce blocked off the gap between the underside of the bed and the floor, then just waited, unable to do anything else. When, at long last, the noise began to die down, Dick looked up wearily.
"Do you want me to stay?" Bruce asked.
"Does it matter?" Dick said, his tone bitter. "They don't."
Bruce surveyed his eldest, who did not look up to the task of indefinitely being the sole caregiver of three deeply traumatized young children. "Obviously, John is on suicide watch for the time being. I know it's a lot to ask of you-"
Before he could explain, Dick snapped out his cell phone and made a call. "Heeey, Walls... Yeah, that's because I feel like crap..."
Bruce exhaled. He had to go to work soon and didn't like the idea of a relative outsider in his home while he was absent, but he knew better than to deny Dick the company of his best friend right now. He quietly started arranging for his security system to admit Wally West.
While they waited for the younger Flash to arrive (the birds were quiet and motionless as they stared at their captors), Bruce said, "I called Stephanie earlier to help with the children, since we're so short-handed. I'm not sure why she's in the cave, I heard you shouting before I could go check."
Dick seemed to cheer up slightly. "Huh. Well, between Nightwing, Flash, and Spoiler, I bet we can make sure all three baby birds stay fed and loved today. And, y'know, alive."
Speaking of fed, "Oh- Alfred's feeling better, too."
"Aaaaahhhh, finally some good news..."
"He was up and about when I last saw him, but try to make him take it easy today."
Dick chuckled. "I'll try, but you know how stubborn he is about this sort of thing."
whoosh!
"Dickiiiieee, what happened?!"
"Wallyyyyy!" Dick reveled in the hug. "I am feeling so tired and sad and inadequate."
"Aw, bro!" Wally, still holding his friend, peered curiously at the birds. "There are adorable things under your desk!"
"Yes! Freaked-out, bleeding, suicidal adorable things!"
"Whaaaaat?!"
Just having someone other than an anxious, obsessive Bat to talk to made Dick feel better. He was halfway through his explanation before he realized that his father had vanished at some point. "Gah, Bruce!"
"Oh," Wally suddenly remembered, "do any of Gotham's Rogues have a red dragon theme?"
"Red dragon? No."
"Because I swear I saw one flying this direction on my way over."
"Hmmmm."
"A small dragon, probably. But definitely a flying thing with claws and a tail. I thought you guys ought to know."
"Bruce's security's probably picked up on it by now, or will soon, but I'll let him know just in case."
"Cool." Wally sat on the floor, putting himself on the children's level but still keeping his distance. "Hi, kiddos! I'm Wally. You maybe want to let me and Dick put a band-aid on that?"
Meanwhile, Bruce was entering the cave, where he found the blonde teenager he was looking for asleep on a cot. "Stephanie," he said, trying to wake her gently.
She blinked up at him for a minute, then sat up indignantly. "I came right away, Bruce, but then your STUPID HOUSE didn't let me in, and you wouldn't answer your phone!"
"Sorry," he said guiltily. He hadn't kept his phone close enough to notice her calls while he slept, and had forgotten to program her automatic admittance into the security system beforehand.
"I had to get in through the cave! And even then, the house still wouldn't let me in!"
"Sorry."
"How come it's easier to get into the Batcave than your house?!"
It was because the cave security's default programming was to admit all Bats regardless of circumstances, as opposed to the house's system being less selective but more regulated. Bruce, however, didn't bother to say any of this, knowing that the complaints were rhetorical. "...Sorry."
"..."
"..."
"So!" Stephanie said brightly, mood flipping like a switch, "Where are the babies?"
"In Dick's room. Wally's there, too; he only just arrived. I'll let you see yourself there, I have to get ready for work." Of course the Batcomputer, in sync with his phone, would choose that moment to start beeping an alert. Bruce sighed deeply and went to check, then headed toward the back yard rather than his room. He stood on the terrace sending an email to his secretary and Tim's, explaining that Tim would be out sick and he himself would be coming in late. Soon after he finished, a giant, furry, winged creature came lumbering out of the trees.
"If you're going to be flying a bright red dragon-bat to Wayne Manor," he called to the petite rider, "do it at night. I don't need people seeing you and wondering why Bruce Wayne is doing business with mythological creatures." The great beast ambled up and snorted a friendly greeting at him. Bruce reached to pat the closest massive shoulder, glad that the timing meant he was taking a shower after getting particles of dragon snot in his hair, rather than before. "Hello, Goliath."
Maya Ducard slid gracefully to the ground. "We landed a ways back and approached the house on foot."
"Still."
"Hah, Damian really did learn his paranoia from you."
"He's injured, by the way. Resting. And I have to go to work soon; feel free to make yourself at home for as long as you like."
"Cool."
Bruce turned back to the dragon-bat. "Goliath," he said, speaking clearly (they still weren't sure exactly how much human speech he understood), "stay in the trees or in the cave. Do not go into the house, and do not fly during the daytime, do you understand?"
The creature whuffled.
"Damian is asleep right now, but he will be glad to see you this afternoon."
"Rreeeuupphh," Goliath rumbled. After Maya had removed his gear, he turned and ambled off to explore the grounds.
At last, Bruce, feeling even more tired than usual, was able to prepare and leave for work without anymore interruptions. Maya went to the kitchen, where Alfred, distressed at the state of his primary domain, was working to clean up. "Ah - hello, young lady," he said, letting none of his confusion show at the sight of a girl he did not recognize in the mansion.
"You must be Penny- Mr. Pennyworth."
"Indeed, I am."
"Damian talks about you sometimes. In that condescending, rambly way that means he actually likes you a lot."
"Are you a friend of his, then, young miss?"
"Yeah." She held out a hand to shake. "I'm Maya Ducard. I came to bring Goliath back, and see how Damian's doing."
"It is lovely to meet you. I'm afraid I must apologize for the state of the house, I've been indisposed for some time..."
"No problem. Hey, take it easy, you look kind of pale- I just came in to see if there are any snacks."
"I'm afraid the refrigerator is in a deplorable state at the moment, but I will find you something momentarily, Miss Ducard."
Meanwhile, Stephanie had reached Dick's room. She found Wally sitting on the floor, letting Peter examine him as he watched John, who was glaring back and hissing a little from under the desk. She could hear Dick rummaging around in the bathroom through the half-open door, and Jack's tearful fussing.
"Heeeeyyy, baby birds, what's up!"
"It's Loud Shiny!" Dick cheered from the bathroom.
"Loud Shiny?!"
"Loud Shiny!" Peter echoed with his hands at the same time, and ran to hug her.
"Baby Jay! Hah, is that my sign name?" Stephanie cuddle-hugged and gobble-kissed Peter for as long as he allowed her to, which was about seven seconds.
"Bad Laugh Man come eat us!" Peter told her.
"He ate you?! But you look pretty un-eaten to me, Petey!"
"He angry, bad boys tie hit cold, we birds! I DON'T LIKE IT!"
Stephanie looked at Wally in confusion, who shrugged and admitted, "I don't know much sign language."
Dick came out of the bathroom, holding Jack by the hand. The little boy, along with Peter, was now dressed properly in clothes that Wally had fetched, but John under the desk was not in a mood to allow himself to be changed out of his tie-dye shirt. Jack raised his free hand to chew on his freshly-bandaged thumb again. "Aw, crap... Wally, can you either find Alfred and ask him if we have any chew fidgets, or find something better than Jack's thumb for him to chomp on?"
"Will do!" There was a blur of red and a whoosh of air.
"Hhe gg'one!" Peter exclaimed in surprise, and John shrieked at the shock of it as Jack hid his face against Dick and clutched him.
"Yeah, he's a speedster, they do that," Dick said soothingly. "It's okay, baby birds, you're safe."
"Dick...Bruce didn't hit them or anything, did he?" Stephanie asked.
"Not as far as I know. Apparently they saw him in the Batsuit and are now convinced he's the devil incarnate, and they keep mixing up the past and present." He explained some more, making repeated moves to block Jack from chewing on his thumb and then wincing when the frustrated little boy bit him instead.
"Jackiiieee, don't bite people!" Stephanie exclaimed, leaping up to look for the first aid kit in the bathroom. She halted and stared at the mess - the floor was covered with random things that should have been in cabinets, most of them kicked aside to make little trails, and there was packaging from medical supplies strewn everywhere. She shook her head to refocus herself and picked up the kit, which was already sitting open. "You're running low on bandages," she said when she came out.
"Tell me about it. I think I'm going to need to start wearing armor under my clothes, too," Dick said ruefully, looking at the bleeding bite.
In the kitchen, Alfred gasped and Maya shrieked in surprise when Wally skidded to a stop. "Hey, so! One of the kids is chewing on his thumb with, like, Jaws teeth and bleeding everywhere; Dick sent me to ask if there are any...I forgot what he called them...something better to chew on?"
"Hmm." Alfred gathered a collection of temporary possibilities, then laid a hand on Wally's arm. "Mr. West, if you feel up to doing us a great favor..."
"Anything," Wally said at once. "Dick sounded like a mess on the phone, so I came to do whatever I can to help."
"I would go myself," Alfred said apologetically, "but I've been ill, and I-"
"You need me to go shopping?"
"Well...yes, actually."
"Cool! I'll be there and back in a flash!" (Maya groaned.) "Just tell me what you need."
Alfred wrote out a list (Wally zipped around the kitchen as he waited and ended up eating over half of the remaining food - Alfred smiled and added yet more items to be purchased). Then he handed it to the speedster along with a roll of cash.
Wally stared. "Wow...your handwriting's super-fancy."
"Can you read it?" Maya asked, sounding amused.
"I can read it! I..." Wally squinted at the list. "Ohhhh, those are 'R's. Yeah, I can read it! Be right back!" He zoomed out.
In Dick's room, Peter slammed the door shut, then shrieked when it blasted open again seconds later. "Chew stuff!" Wally announced, setting a basket in front of Dick. "Gah, you guys made more blood while I was gone!"
"This is why I called for help," Dick said ruefully.
"Well, no worries, Grayson! You got me and you got Steph here, and Alfred and some random girl in the kitchen; we'll get through this with teamwork! I'm going shopping now."
"Random girl?" Dick said in confusion, but Wally was already gone.
"crooooow!" John shouted in a rage.
"Johnny, what's wrong?" Stephanie asked soothingly, moving toward the desk. "Does all that speedster stuff bother you?"
"EAT! KILL! MEAT!"
She swallowed nervously at his violent signing.
"Steph," Dick asked, weary, "you think you could dig up some breakfast for us? It's been a while since we've eaten."
Stephanie soon came back with a basket. "There wasn't really much breakfast-type stuff," she said apologetically, "the kitchen's almost as much a mess as your bathroom is, but I did find food! It's just kind of random."
"Random food is still food, thanks," Dick said gratefully.
"Speaking of random, Wally was right - who's she?" Stephanie asked, showing the quick photo she'd snapped.
"Ohhh - that's Maya, one of Damian's friends. I wonder if that means Goliath's back, too... She was supposed to be looking after him after he was Joker-poisoned." They were occupied for a while, trying to feed the birds. Peter ate with relish, asking for one morsel at a time even though no one was bothering to enforce the system, but Jack was still a nervous wreck and had to be coaxed for every bite, and John refused to eat at all.
"Johnny, I know you're hungry," Dick said. "Come on, just a few bites."
"Ha ha ha ha ha, I want meat!"
"Well... There are some cold-cuts here, I-" Dick managed to dodge a bite in time. "No! No alive meat, John, that is gross and mean!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!" Stephanie shuddered at the laughter, and John got so violent that Dick had to put him in a restraining hold. The boy screamed and writhed, his distress making Jack cry. Stephanie held the youngest bird and tried to soothe him.
Peter, after peering at his brother for a minute, looked away dismissively and continued eating. Since none of the big people were paying attention to him, he had to ask himself for each morsel, grabbing what he wanted from the food Stephanie had spread out on a sheet. "Please give me cheese! Good boy, [caw], eat cheese. Please give me cereal! Good boy, [caw], eat cereal..."
Wally soon returned and tracked down Alfred, who was determinedly trying to get the house back in order (Maya, rather worried about how hard the old man was working when he looked like he needed to be resting, was helping him). "I got everything on the list! Put 'em all away already, too, and here's your change. You need anything else?"
"No, I believe Master Dick needs your assistance more than I do." Alfred smiled at Maya to acknowledge that her presence made extra helpers unnecessary.
"All right, cool. I'll bring you back the dirty plates and stuff if they've finished." Wally zoomed to Dick's room, paused at the sign on the closed door saying that speedster rushing disturbed John and Jack, and guiltily cracked open the door at normal speed. "Dick...?"
"You're back!" his friend cried, sounding worryingly relieved.
Wally came in to find John still angrily lurking under the desk, Jack still clinging to Dick, and Stephanie tidying up the bathroom. Peter trotted up to Wally and asked, "Ffoo'dd?"
"You're still hungry?" Wally laughed. "Man after my own heart! I'll bring you more in a minute. Dick, look what I found!" He waved a package. "I bought two packages of three, because I don't think they'll last too long with teeth like that."
"Perfect, thanks," Dick said immediately, reaching.
Wally impulsively ripped open the package at super-speed before handing it over, then gulped. "Oops - I'm sorry, Dick, I forgot."
"It's okay. It's more the running that bothers them, the blur and the wind and papers flying around."
"No running in front of baby birds, got it."
"Could you rinse this off real quick before I give it to him?"
"Sure thing!"
While Dick wearily introduced a chew fidget to Jack, who immediately started chomping on it, Wally went to get more food for Peter, then sat in the hall to speed-read the ASL book he'd bought along with the groceries. He bounced in a few minutes later and eagerly tried out on Peter, "Hello! My name is W-a-l-l-y, happy meet you!"
Peter stared. "Hand person?! You say no!"
"He's surprised you went from being a non-signer to knowing ASL in two seconds," Dick explained.
"I FAST! I talk mouth, buy book, learn QUICK, now talk hands!"
"Ggoo'dd bboy," Peter praised.
TBC
A/N: I'd been planning for a while to bring in Goliath & Maya at the first opportunity, but it only recently occurred to me that, with most of the family incapacitated and Bruce now on such bad terms with the birds, poor Dick needs help (gave me a chance to bring back Steph, which I'd also been hoping to do for a while now), and Wally's arrival was completely unplanned.
As far as I could tell, the hand sign for "fast" and "quick" looked the same, but the mouthing was a little different (echoing the respective English words).