Saturday night was not supposed to be this miserable.

Two days ago, Hook and Neal had stormed out of Granny's, leaving her to stew in her (admittedly childish) misery. Later that night, Emma had tried to call both of them, but neither picked up.

Neal was angrier with her than he'd been in a long time, which really shook her. Neal never got angry, at least not with her. It was one of the things she loved and hated most about him. He had a total of three emotions: hungry, tired, and bored. Every time she brought up anything remotely emotional, he would either joke his way out of it or stare at her indifferently until she'd finished talking. It was frustrating, but refreshing: her parents always wanted to drag out every emotional conflict they encountered, talking about it until it left them all feeling drained and exhausted and out of breath. Neal was content to let things slide, and go on relaxing through life.

So to see him actually….feeling was kind of terrifying.

But Hook's behavior was even more unsettling. She knew that no matter how angry or upset he was, he would never pass up the opportunity to talk to her. Any chance he got to tell her he loved her, to try to convince her to love him back, to tell her that he would do anything for her, blah blah blah…he would take it. So, if he was no longer hanging on her every word, her every move, that could only mean one thing. He was over her.

And that pissed her off more than anything.

Neal was one thing; she could never really get a straight answer out of him. She knew he loved her and all, but he never said it, never talked about it. It was just an unspoken understanding between the two of them. Hook smothered her in love and romance, making grand speeches and even breaking out the man-tears, if he felt the situation called for it. Normally, it drove her crazy and she felt suffocated just being in the same room as him. But now that he had stopped…she kind of missed it.

Especially now as she sat alone at her table in Granny's, glowering across the room at Hook and Ruby on what looked suspiciously like a date.

"Oh, would you just shut up," she muttered disgustedly. watching Ruby giggle, playfully smacking his arm. Hook grinned over the top of his glass, raising an eyebrow. Emma felt her jaw drop in indignation. She knew that look. That was her look! Why was Ruby seeing that look? That wasn't for her! That bitch was stealing her look!

"You seem upset."

Emma raised her eyes to see Regina standing over her, frowning curiously. Emma looked at her for a second before taking another swig from her glass. "I'm fine."

Regina looked around awkwardly. "Er…" She carefully tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "May, uh—" she gestured toward the chair—"may I sit?"

Emma blinked in surprise. "Uh…yeah. Sure."

Regina took her seat, still looking uncomfortable. Their relationship was a confusing one. It wasn't quite a friendship, but there was a mutual respect and concern for the other's well-being. Sharing a son had brought them closer, but it hadn't done much to endear them to each other.

"Um…" Regina tapped the table, not meeting Emma's eyes. "Look, normally I wouldn't bother…I mean, I honestly couldn't care less about your personal life—"

"Thanks, Regina. I'm really touched."

Regina gave her an annoyed look. "I couldn't care less about your personal life," she repeated. "But I respect you too much to allow you to upset yourself over—" she waved her hand dismissively—"him."

"I'm not upset—"

"Emma, I'm trying to be supportive right now, could you please not talk?"

Emma raised her eyebrows. "…Okay."

Regina took a breath. "Hook's a slut."

"Jumping right in there, aren't you?"

Regina gave her a look that clearly said, If you can't shut your mouth, I'll do it for you, so help me God. "I don't care how sweet he is or how cute you think he is—he's a slut. And sluts of a feather slut together. It was only a matter of time before he and Lady Gaga over there got together." She rolled her eyes as Ruby let out a ridiculously loud laugh. "You're wasting your time getting jealous, especially when you've got a bigger problem on your hands."

Emma frowned. "Did something happen with Henry?"

Regina played with the ring around her middle finger, not answering.

Emma narrowed her eyes. "What is it?"

"It could be nothing, but…" Regina reluctantly looked at her, twisting her mouth to the side. "I caught Henry in my vault the other night."

"And that's a problem because…?"

"Because now my magic book is missing." Regina went back to twisting her ring. "I don't know if he took it…and if he did, I don't know what he plans to do with it, but I don't want to jump to conclusions and accuse him of anything. He's been so…weird about everything lately, I don't want to make things worse."

"But you're worried he might be trying to do magic?"

"I'm worried he might be trying to get magic." Regina looked at her intensely. "Henry's got a lot of magic in his bloodline. You. Your parents. Rumplestiltskin. I read that book to reawaken my magic. He could be trying to read it to awaken his." She stood up abruptly. "So. There you go. Something better to worry about than the scarlet harlot."

Emma choked on her drink. "Scarlet harlot?"

"That's right."

Emma stared at her, shaking her head bemusedly. "H-h-how do you come up with these names? What are you, writing a book or something?"

Regina stared back expressionlessly. "It amuses me." She straightened her scarf. "Good-bye, Emma."

Emma raised a hand in farewell, letting it drop as Regina exited the diner. She wasn't sure what to think about Henry. He had been pretty distant lately, but she'd assumed it was just to do with being a teenager. Plus, Regina was overprotective, not to mention a little paranoid. It could be nothing.

But that definitely wasn't.

Emma glared as Ruby's hand lingered a little too long on Hook's. Oh, really? she thought, gripping her glass tightly. We'll just see about that, won't we, Miss Fifteen-Unpaid-Parking-Tickets.

She pushed herself up from the table, staggering slightly. She wasn't drunk; she was pissed. And pissed Emma was ten times worse than drunk Emma.

She strode over, hands in fists, breathing hard through her nose. Hook and Ruby looked up, startled, as she reached their table, slamming her hands flat on the surface. "Well, if it isn't Tweedle-slut and Tweedle-sluttier?" She looked between the two of them, smiling. "You two enjoying your night?"

"Were," Hook said pointedly, not quailing under her gaze. "You enjoying your stakeout?"

Emma squinted her eyes at him, trying to think of a biting retort. He tilted his head, smiling sarcastically. Ruby looked between the two of them, biting her lip.

"As it happens," Emma said, mirroring Hook's smile, "I am enjoying my stakeout."

He raised his eyebrows coolly. "Well, that's good. After all, Emma, your happiness—" he placed his hand on his heart—"is my happiness."

Emma smiled grew strained as she struggled not to punch the smirk right off his smirky face. "Well, okay then," she said, forcing her smile. "I guess I'll leave you guys to it." She drummed her hands on the table awkwardly, and straightened up. "I've got better things to do than listen to you two compare mascara brands anyway."

"You mean like, sucking the will to live out of innocent people?" Hook called after her as she turned to leave. Emma turned around slowly, narrowing her eyes at him. He lifted his glass, taking a sip without breaking eye contact. She folded her arms, looking at him incredulously.

"Excuse me?"

Hook raised his eyebrows over his glass. "I said, 'have a nice night'."

Emma laughed disbelievingly, shaking her head. "You," she said, walking back slowly, "are such an asshole."

"Oh, is that so?"

"Yes, that is so." She stopped in front of him, her mouth twisted in a derisive smile. "I don't know what I ever saw in you."

"You didn't see anything in me," he snorted. "You took advantage of me—not like that," he added as Ruby gasped.

"I didn't take advantage of you! What are you talking about, you…you…uh—"

"Should I—" Hook waved his hand, frowning at her—"wait for you to think of an insult? Or would you rather just pretend you came up with a real zinger, so I can talk?"

Emma glared at him, slightly shaking her head in disgust. "I hate you, you know that?"

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really. I really hate you. I-I hate your stupid earring, okay—I hate y-your stupid little rings and shit—"

"Okay, great, Emma, you hate my jewelry, you really know how to wound a man—"

"—I hate your eyeliner, I mean, what the hell is up with that, anyway? You looking like a friggin' call girl—"

"Ooh, Emma, no, don't talk about the eyeliner, it's not like no one's ever used that against me before—"

"—and I hate that stupid coat you wore! Shredding that piece of crap was the biggest favor anyone had ever done for you—"

"—talking about my coat, like it's seriously going to hurt my feelings, right? Because I actually believe my merits as a human being are founded on that coat—"

"—and I hate hate hate th-that big puffy shirt thing you used to wear—"

"—by all means, keep talking about how much you hate my clothes, it's really hurting my feelings—"

"SHUT UP!" Granny roared, silverware clattering as she slammed a tray down.

The entire diner fell silent as everyone turned to stare at them. Emma and Hook focused on the ground as Granny continued reprimanding them.

"If you two can't behave yourselves, then get the hell out of my diner! You are not the only people in town with drama—you're just the only assholes in town with the balls to perform it for everyone! So! Either shut up or take it outside!" Granny stalked back into the kitchen, leaving Hook and Emma to awkwardly avoid everyone's gaze and stare at their shoes.

The other customers gradually went back to their business, the sounds of eating and talking replacing the awkward silence. Ruby coughed.

"I think I'll… call it a night." She got up from the table, not looking at either of them as she maneuvered her way around Emma. "I'll, uh…I'll call you tomorrow," she said to Hook. He nodded slowly, tracing the pattern on the table cloth.

Emma kept her eyes on the floor as Ruby walked away. Once Ruby was gone, Emma blew out her breath, swinging her arms together awkwardly.

"So… "

Hook glared up at her. Emma stared back blandly.

"What?"

"Seriously, Emma?" He swung himself up from the table, brushing past her none too gently. Emma stared after him, waiting a moment before following him out the diner.

"What?" she repeated, following him down the steps. "I don't get it, what's your deal?"

He didn't reply; Emma frowned, picking up her pace to catch up with him. She reached out and grabbed his arm to turn him around. "Why are you being so bitchy?"

"Not in the middle of the road, Emma," he said, tugging his arm out of her grip. Emma heaved a dramatic sigh, rolling her eyes.

"Fine. Sidewalk, come on."

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Why not?"

He turned around so suddenly, she let out a little yelp. "Shrill little woman: go away."

She blinked. "Huh?"

"Go away!" he repeated loudly, throwing his arms up. "Just go away! I am so tired of dealing with you, please just go away!"

Emma felt her jaw drop. "You're tired of dealing with me?" she said incredulously.

Hook smiled at her through clenched teeth. "That's right!"

"Really?"

"Yup."

"The man who's been pining after me for two years is just—"she shrugged, waving her hand—"all of a sudden, tired of dealing with me?"

"Yes, you want to know why?" He took a step closer, making her flinch. "Because you are a very difficult woman!"

She gasped indignantly. "I am not!"

"You're not difficult? Really? Then how come you yell at me, twenty-four hours a day for doing nothing but whatever you tell me to do? How come you don't defend me when your mother climbs on her I-Hate-Hook soapbox? How come you make fun of me every time I say anything slightly romantic?"

"Because nobody talks like that!" Emma said frustratedly. "You weird me out!"

"I'm from a different world, Emma!" he shouted. "What do you want from me?"

"To stop weirding me out!"

"You—!" His eyes widened before he squeezed them shut tightly, pinching his forefingers to the bridge of his nose. "Oh, my God, I hate you. Oh, my GOD, I hate you! You are such a—!" He stamped the ground in frustration and threw his arms out. "YOU'RE A BITCH!"

She blinked rapidly in disbelief, rendered almost speechless. "What?"

"I finally said it! Yeah! You're a bitch, Emma! You are a MAJOR. FUCKING. BITCH."

She stared at him with wide eyes, slowly raising her arm to point at him accusingly. "You said the 'F' word," she breathed.

"Yeah, because that is the only word I can think of that even comes close to describing just how much of a bitch you are!" Hook stared at her for a moment, breathing heavily. Then, his voice slightly trembling with suppressed rage—

"I do whatever you want, whenever you want, no questions asked. I helped you get the compass. I helped you find your kid. I saved your father from dream-shade. And then, when we got back to this stupid little piece of crap town, I stayed. I could have gone in my ship, and left, but I didn't. I stayed for you. And ever since then—" his voice rose—" I've been fetching you coffee, bringing you lunch, babysitting your kid—who, by the way, hates me more than the Bubonic Plague—running this errand and that errand, going here and going there, it's always, 'do this, Hook', and 'do that, Hook', and 'why are you such an idiot, Hook?' and 'isn't it funny how he wears his heart on his sleeve, and I stamp all over it in my not-fooling-anyone-high-heeled-boots?'" He closed his eyes, and spoke more quietly. "I can't…take it anymore. I look at you and all I can think about it…"

Emma squeezed her eyes shut. Please don't make a romantic speech, please don't make a romantic speech.

"…I was a pirate captain."

She opened her eyes and frowned. "Huh?"

"I was a pirate captain, Emma," he wailed, his shoulders sagging. "People used to be afraid of me. I had a reputation. People—people used to hear my name, a-a-and start shaking. With fear." He looked at her intensely. "Literally shaking."

"Oh…"

"I used to walk into taverns, and people would stop talking. Just to stare at how famous I was."

"That's…cool? I don't—"

"And now? Now I walk around town and you know what people say? They don't say, 'There goes Captain Hook, the most infamous dastardly pirate captain on the high seas! He'll stab you faster than look at you!' They say, 'Oh, look. There goes the guy Emma keeps stringing along, just so he'll do stuff for her.'"

"Yes, but to be fair…" Emma looked up at him cautiously. "I highly doubt anyone would have time to say the first one."

"And I'm sick of doing stuff for you! I do everything for you, I gave up everything for you, and you don't even blink! You just assume I'll always be there because I can't live without you! Well, guess what, darling? I managed to get through the first three hundred years without you bitching in my ear every day—I think I can manage!"

He turned on his heel and started stalking off into the darkness, leaving Emma to stare after him, stunned.

"And," he called, walking backwards for a moment, " at least Milah said thank you!"

Emma gasped. He brought up…Milah?

Now that was low.

Okay, fine, you want to play that game? "Oh, yeah?" she shouted. "Well, at least Graham wasn't a complete slut! Who probably had Hepatitus's A through Z! Not to mention scurvy or cabin fever or whatever the hell kind of disease pirates get from porting—docking—stopping, I DON'T KNOW THE PIRATE TERMINOLOGY, OKAY?"

"Go to hell, Emma!"

"Fine! she shouted furiously, throwing up her arms. "I will!"

She stood there, breathing heavily, until the sounds of his footsteps had faded away.

"I'll go to hell?" she repeated incredulously, shaking her head. "Jesus Christ, Emma…what are you doing to me?"