SO, IS BEING A BITCH, AND WON'T LET ME UPLOAD BIG FILES, SO I'M UPLOADING THIS CHAPTER IN TWO PARTS. I'LL FIX IT LATER AND MAKE IT ONE BIG ONE, BUT I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU GUYS THESE.
David side-eyed Snow as Henry sleepily stumbled into the kitchen, yawning. Snow, filling the coffee pot with water, caught his glance and flicked her eyes at Henry. A telepathic conversation between the two of them flew over Henry's head as he pulled out a stool and sat down.
He got home late last night.
I'm worried about him, David. He doesn't look so good.
Do you think it's Grace?
If he's coming home late, it better not be Grace!
I'll talk to him.
Snow nodded, and busied herself with the coffee while David pulled out the stool next to Henry. "Hey, buddy," he said cautiously.
Henry glanced up. "Hey, Gramps," he mumbled, propping his head up with one hand. "What's up?"
"Just… wanted to see how you're doing." David peered at him in concern. There were dark circles under the kid's eyes, and his face looked drawn and pale. He'd been like this the last couple weeks: hardly sleeping, hardly eating, spending all his time either in his room or disappearing off to mysterious places. Even his grades were starting to slip, according to Snow: his last English paper had been spectacularly horrible, slap-dash and nearly incoherent.
"Fine," Henry said, tracing his finger along the counter. "Just a lot on my mind, that's all."
"You've seemed really distracted lately," David said, watching him carefully. "Anything you want to talk about?"
"No," Henry said, sounding a little annoyed. David took a deep breath, feeling Snow's eyes on them.
"Henry," he said in a low voice, "does this have anything to do with Grace?"
Henry slammed his hand on the table, startling them both. "Why do people keep asking me that?"he asked the ceiling. "What does Grace have to do with anything?"
He pushed out from the counter and stalked back upstairs, muttering under his breath. David blew out a slow breath, then looked at Snow, who was staring worriedly off into space.
"Hey," he said reassuringly. "It's fine. Neal and Hook'll be by pretty soon, maybe they'll have more luck with him."
That snapped Snow out of her trance, quick enough. "Well, Neal's all right, but I don't want that pirate man-whore near Henry," she said stiffly. "Especially after how he behaved at the party last night."
"Don't worry," David grimaced, thinking of how incredibly drunk Hook had managed to get in the last few hours. "I'm sure his hangover will be penance enough, you don't need to yell at him."
"Speaking of hangovers," Snow said, jerking her head toward the couch, where Emma slept, still in her dead cheerleader costume. Her make-up was all over her face and arms now, her pigtails a mess of tangles, and David knew that when his daughter finally woke up, she would be shying away from the sun and moaning like a thousand nails were being driven into her skull.
"Make a lot of coffee," David advised her. "The two of them are going to need it."
Snow mumbled something about a few other things Hook needed (dignity, a cold shower, and AA meetings among them), but didn't say anything more on the matter. David got to work, mixing pancake batter and taking out bacon, humming the song that was stuck in his head from last night.
"You know," he remarked, cracking an egg, "I don't think I want to be a wizard next year. That beard was really itchy."
Snow shrugged. "You could be a clean-shaven wizard."
"What kind of wizard is clean-shaven?" David frowned, whisking his eggs. "That's ridiculous, Snow. Wizards have beards. It's a fact of life."
Snow rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "Far be it from me to dispute facts of life."
Her smile faded when a knock sounded at the door a few minutes later.
"That's them," David said, wiping his hands on a towel and crossing the room to open the door. Sure enough, when he swung it open, he saw Neal standing with his hands in his coat pockets and Hook, shading himself from the sunlight by holding his jacket over his head like a veil.
"We've got coffee," David said, smiling enticingly as he stepped aside to let them through.
"I'm not hungover," Neal said smugly. Hook glowered as he followed Neal inside.
"Nor am I," he said petulantly. "Just grumpy. I hate the sun, it's stupid." He threw himself onto the stool beside Neal, not noticing Snow purse her lips disapprovingly.
"Is Henry up?" Neal asked, looking around hopefully.
"He is," David said hesitantly, retaking his place behind the counter. "Still a little… teenager-y. Might need a few more minutes to wake up."
Snow took some mugs out of the cupboard, not troubling to keep the noise down. "Coffee, Neal?" she asked pleasantly, taking out the cream.
"Yeah, thanks," he smiled, then looked down at Hook, who had buried his head in his arms, and nudged him. "Wake up, Killy."
"Goddamn you," Hook said in a muffled voice. David felt a wide smile spread on his face.
"Killy?" he repeated, feeling as though Christmas had come early. "Well, this is an interesting development."
"Coffee, Killy?" Snow said in a dry voice. Hook looked back at her with narrowed eyes, his jaw tensing; Snow slit her eyes back, her lip curling in disgust. Neal and David hid their smiles as the two eyed one another with dislike.
"Please," Hook said through gritted teeth.
Snow twitched a sarcastic smile at him, and poured a stream of coffee into a mug. "Drink up, man-whore," she said, pushing the cup over.
"Much obliged… Snow," he finished lamely, seeing David narrow his eyes dangerously.
"Is Emma throwing up in the bathroom?" Neal asked as Snow fixed him a cup.
"Still asleep on the couch," David replied, pulling out a pan. "You guys want pancakes?"
Neal gave an enthusiastic, "Yes!", just as Hook gave a definitive, "No." Neal raised his eyebrows and looked at Hook with wide eyes.
"Why would you turn down free pancakes?"
"I hate pancakes," Hook said, glaring at his cup.
"You hate pancakes?" Neal looked demoralized. "What's wrong with you?"
"I drank my weight in vodka last night, what do you think's wrong with me?"
David chuckled, looking for his spatula. Neal and Hook never failed to make him laugh with their immaturity. Being around them was like being in college again… even though he'd never actually been to college, apart from his curse memories.
"You want to shake Emma awake?" Snow asked him.
David looked down at the spatula in his hand. "I'm making pancakes."
"Pancakes can wait two minutes," she said.
He whined a little, hanging his head reluctantly. Snow looked at him with big eyes.
"Oh, please, David?" she said as she took his hand in both of hers, tucking it pleadingly to her chin. "You know I'm not good with Emma when she's hungover."
"I'll do it," Neal said, getting up. "You make pancakes, I'll wake up Sleeping Beauty."
Snow beamed at him, lowering her hands, but still holding David's. "How cute is that?" she whispered, nudging him. "Sleeping Beauty…"
"Yes, it's precious," Hook said flatly, waving his empty cup at her. "Can I have some more coffee, love?"
Snow's smile dropped. "Help yourself, Captain Chlamydia."
"Snap!" David looked at her in surprise, smiling.
"Yes, well done," Hook grumbled, pulling the the coffee pot by the handle with his hook.
"What's well done?" Emma said, tottering toward them sleepily. She winced, putting a hand to her head. "Oh, God, my head." She dropped in the stool next to Hook, slumping in a similar manner.
"Aspirin?" David asked them, going over to the medicine cabinet.
They both murmured something unintelligible, which David took as a "yes".
"Thanks, Dad," Emma said as he passed her the aspirin; Hook gave him a silent nod of thanks when he got his. Neal cackled, pulling out the stool on Emma's other side.
"You'd think after last year, you guys would learn," he said, alluding to the Halloween party that was still a little fuzzy in David's memory, as he and Hook had tried to have a drinking contest (Hook won, but he also had a worse hangover the next day, so David hadn't been too broken up about it). "Remember when Emma starting singing?"
Emma moaned, covering her ears. "Do you have to talk so loudly?" she complained. "Do you know how much punch I drank last night?"
Snow looked at her with a mixture of disapproval and sympathy. "Coffee?" she offered, holding up the pot.
"I want to shower first," Emma said, shaking her head as she got up. "And no, you can't join me," she said immediately as Hook opened his mouth.
"You sure about—meh, forget it," he said, letting his head flop back on the counter. "My head hurts too much for this today."
"Thank God," David said under his breath. That was the downside to being friends with Hook and Neal: he had to be constantly reminded of their feelings for his daughter, which made things extremely uncomfortable and awkward at times. And Hook's twisted sense of humor did nothing to help the situation.
"So," Neal said, watching David pour pancake batter into the pan. "You guys have fun yesterday?"
"Oh, yeah," he said, picking up his spatula. "We danced, we drank—"
"Not too much, though," Snow said, her eyes boring into Hook's. "See, we don't drink to the point of making such gigantic asses of ourselves in public that other people—"
"Yeah, so I'm hearing talking, and I'd really like to hear silence," Hook cut in, whispering the last word.
"It'd be nice, if we could all get what we want," Snow agreed, pouring herself a cup of coffee now. "For example—" she took a sip, shrugging—"it'd be nice if I didn't have to see one of my oldest friends shoving her tongue down some STD-ridden pirate's throat, but I did, so there you go."
"I'm very affectionate when I'm drunk," Hook said defensively, and added in a clearly audible undertone, "Not as much as Ruby, mind you…"
"Ugh," Snow said disgustedly, while David and Neal tried to pretend the pancakes were the most fascinating topic they'd ever discussed.
"Oh, wow, that one's almost a perfect circle."
"Yeah, I think it's because I used a ladle, instead of trying to scoop it out."
"Ah, well… ladles."
"Marvelous invention."
"Aren't they?"
By the time Emma came back down, freshly showered and dressed in normal clothes, David had built up a good-sized stack of pancakes. Neal was already cutting into his, while Hook poked around hopefully in the cupboards, looking for something satisfactory.
"'S'up?" Emma said, still sounding a bit groggy as she took Hook's vacant seat.
"You want a pancake?" David offered, handing her a plate.
"Coffee first," Emma said firmly. "This hangover's a bitch."
"Emma," Snow said reprovingly.
Emma rolled her eyes, choosing not to respond, and thanked David as he poured her a cup. "Ah, that's the good stuff," she said, closing in her eyes in pleasure after taking a sip. "Best cure for a hangover."
"Best cure for a hangover is staying drunk," Hook said grumpily, shuffling back to his seat. He stopped in front of Emma and frowned. "Scoot."
"No," she said, shrugging him away. Hook poked her insistently, frowning deeper.
"Emma," he said in a whiny voice, "come on, I was sitting there."
"Operative word: was."
Hook obnoxiously leaned against her, trying to push her out, all the while making a soft mewling sound; Emma refused to budge, putting one leg down to steady herself. Neal watched them with mild interest as he ate his pancakes.
"You guys are literally twelve, sometimes," he said thoughtfully.
Hook had contented himself to sit at the kitchen table by the time Henry came downstairs, fully dressed with his coat and scarf in hand.
"Hey, Henry," Neal said, turning around in surprise. "What's the rush?"
"Hey, Dad," Henry said absently, pulling on his coat. "I just…I got some things to do."
"You want a pancake?" Emma offered, raising her eyebrows.
"Nah, I'll eat there," Henry muttered, wrapping his scarf around his neck.
"Where's 'there'?" Snow pressed, frowning in concern.
Henry looked impatient. "Dr. Whale's. He's, uh, letting me shadow him. And I'm late, so I really got to go."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Hook said as Henry reached for the doorknob. "You're not even going to insult me before you leave?"
Henry sighed, hanging his head tiredly. "Uh… I don't know," he said, flopping his hand. "How's your gonorrhea?"
"That's it?" Hook raised his eyebrows as Henry yanked the door open and shot out. He turned back to the others, jutting his thumb at the now-empty doorway. "Is it me, or are his insults getting weaker?"
"No, you're right," Snow frowned, bringing her cup to her lips. She looked at Hook. "How is your gonorrhea?"
Hook smiled at her sarcastically. "Ha," he said scathingly. "Call a surgeon, my sides are splitting."
David smiled to himself, rather enjoying the acidic banter between his wife and his… whatever Hook was. He didn't know if they realized how amusing their hatred for each other was, but he thought it was comedy gold. Nevertheless, he felt a need to put a stop to it when they started trading accusations of STD's the other might have.
"Lord knows what you picked up in Neverland, probably some hideous jungle disease—"
"—living in the forest, could have rolled in anything there—"
"—sleazy pubs and sleazier barmaids—"
"—probably involved goats at some point—"
"Okay, you two!" David said loudly. "That's enough, people are eating."
"Yeah, guys," Emma said, cutting her pancake. "Jesus, be a little considerate." Neal murmured his agreement through a mouthful.
Hook shrugged; Snow gave him a withering look, but desisted. David finally sat down, bringing his plate next to Hook, enjoying the smell of fresh buttery pancakes slathered with syrup.
"You sure you don't want any?" he asked, swallowing. Hook made a face and shook his head.
"No, I hate pancakes, I told you," he said.
"That's so weird," Neal said from the counter. "Who doesn't like pancakes?"
"It is weird," David agreed, pointing his fork at Hook. "You're a weird guy."
"Yeah, I get that," Hook said, rummaging in his pocket as his phone buzzed. "Argh!" he groaned, looking down at the blinking text. David looked over, shifting in his seat.
"Who is it?"
"Ruby," Hook grimaced, reading the text. "She's coming over."
"To my house?" David said, raising his eyebrows. "Why?"
"So she can bitch at me," Hook shrugged, stowing the phone away in his pocket. "Ruby loves to bitch at me," he explained, seeing David's quizzical look. "One of her favorite pastimes. Of course, I can think of a few other—"
"Too. Early," Emma said through gritted teeth.
"Way too early," Snow agreed, looking at Hook sternly. "I just want you to know, man-whore—"
"That's my given name," Hook said to David in a loud whisper, giving him an enormous wink.
"—if Ruby's coming over, I don't want to be exposed to any gross make-out sessions."
"Gah!" Emma gagged on her pancakes, dropping her fork. "Mom, please! I'm eating!"
"Don't worry," Hook assured Snow. "She won't be in the mood for that, anyway." He leaned back in his seat, smiling bitterly at David. "She's mad at me."
"What'd you do?" David asked, knowing perfectly well what he did. It was no secret how Hook was probably the most obnoxious boyfriend Ruby had ever had. And there had been a lot of boyfriends. But he was the only one who'd perfected the art of ignoring her and suffocating her at the same time.
For his part, Hook had complained about her, plenty: she was clingy, he said. She called him all the time, demanding apologies, whining that he never took her out, asking him about other girls. Privately, David agreed with her: Hook spent more time with Belle and Emma than Ruby, which was—in his opinion—kind of a dick move. He felt bad for Ruby, but Hook had confided in him that he'd tried to break up with Ruby several times and she just… wouldn't take the hint. David wasn't entirely sure what that meant; all he knew for sure was, they were probably the worst couple he'd ever seen. All they did was fight; and if they weren't fighting, they were getting drunk and treating everyone to a round of P.D.A that made everyone in a five-mile-radius groan in disgust.
"…didn't call her after that, I suppose," Hook was saying when David's attention turned back to the present moment. "But how many times do I have to bloody call her? It's ridiculous. I mean, I live at her gran's inn, she sees me fifteen times a day." He gave a shrug, smiling. "And at least—"
"Do not say anything about the night, I can smell the innuendo from over here," Neal said, getting up to rinse his plate. Hook grumbled, crossing his arms.
"You guys are ruining all my jokes today," he complained.
"I thought your head hurt too much today," Neal said, looking over.
"Well, I lied, didn't I?" Hook said snapped. He breathed hard through his nose, apparently building up steam for a tirade on the injustices in his life, but Snow interrupted, frowning down at her own phone.
"David, Regina says she needs to come by and pick something up. Do you know what she's talking about?"
David shook his head slowly. "Mmm…. no. No, she didn't say anything to me."
"Regina's coming over?" Hook perked up, forgetting his whining instantly. He grinned at Neal. "You think she'll still be wearing that vampire dress?"
"You're disgusting," Emma told him casually.
Hook waved his hand dismissively. "Yeah, I know. When is she coming over?"
"Soon, I guess." Snow lifted her eyebrows and smiled wryly. "Why? You want to touch up your make-up?"
"Your wife is a riot," Hook said to David confidingly. "Don't let go of that one."
Snow set another pot of coffee on while David started to clear the plates, Emma putting them in the dishwasher. It was nice, he reflected, having his little family around him as they did chores together. It was like they'd been together the whole time, like they'd never sent Emma through the wardrobe. They belonged together, the three of them, and they worked like a well-oiled machine: fitting perfectly, moving in harmony— other than the two spare parts sitting around the kitchen, one of them trying to invent the punchline for his latest dirty joke.
David sighed: Hook and Neal were great "bros" (as Neal described it), but sometimes he wished it was just him, Snow, Emma, and Henry—when Henry wasn't reminding them all he was at the obnoxious age of almost-fifteen.
There was a frantic knocking at the door. Hook looked at it warily, obviously caught between his eagerness to see Regina and his reluctance to see Ruby. David crossed the room to open the door, drying his hands on a towel.
"Is Hook here?" Ruby asked without preamble. She was wearing dark sunglasses, probably to protect her hungover eyes from the abrasive sun.
David responded by the pulling the door open wider to reveal Hook, looking at her with a mixture of apprehension and petulance. Ruby strode in, jutting her chin at Snow by way of greeting, before plopping down next to Hook.
"Morning, love," Hook said, smiling nervously. "How are—bloody hell!" he exclaimed as Ruby cracked her hand across his face. Everyone else looked on with wide eyes, freezing in what they were doing.
Ruby whipped off her sunglasses, so Hook could explicitly see her glaring at him. "You're a jerk," she said matter-of-factly. "You treated me like shit yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that. And the day before that. I could go on like this, but I don't really feel like saying 'and the day before that' a million times, because you've treated me like shit every day we've been together. No," she said, holding up a hand as Hook opened his mouth. "I'm not done." She folded her arms, leaning back in the seat as she considered him with narrowed eyes full of loathing.
"You talk to me like I'm an idiot. Well, I'm not. Just because I have feelings, and I have the emotional maturity to want to discuss them with someone who I should be able to confide in, doesn't mean I'm stupid or whiny or naggy. It just means I need you to be there for me. And you never are. I was there for you, every time you got all depressed about Emma—which, by the way, is a really dick move when you're dating someone else—and you never even say 'thanks'. You think that just because you're hot—" Ruby closed her eyes, breathing in deeply—"So. Hot." —she snapped back to her flat tone—"I'll let you treat me however you want. Well, I won't. You ignore me. And I'm not going to be chained down by you, when there's plenty of other hot guys out there who will appreciate me and pay attention to me. "
She pushed herself out from the chair and snatched up her glasses, looking at Hook's stunned face disdainfully. "We're done."
And with that, she swept out the door, walking with her head high. The room was silent, everyone watching with bated breath as Hook stared after her, open-mouthed and wide-eyed.
"Shit," he breathed finally, shaking himself out of his stupor. "What a woman."
Emma threw up her hands, letting out a derisive laugh. Neal stared at him, caught between exasperation and wonderment.
"You are so damaged," he said, shaking his head slightly.
"But that was incredible," Hook insisted, turning around to gape at him. "I mean… wow."
"You are so damaged," Neal repeated loudly. "You can't stand her when she's hanging on your every word, but the minute as she tells you you're an asshole, you're in love with her? What the hell is wrong with you?"
Hook sighed helplessly, falling back against his seat. "She's amazing."
"And he hates pancakes," Neal said to David, shaking his head in disbelief. "Fucking weirdo."