THE STORY WRITES ITSELF, I'M JUST AN INNOCENT TYPIST. BE ANGRY AT CHARACTERS, JUST DON'T BE ANGRY AT ME...

"So I don't know what to do," Mulan said helplessly, leaning her forehead against her hand. "I mean, she's married with a kid, and I can't stop thinking about her."

Snow smiled sympathetically, reaching across the table to pat her hand. "I'm sorry," she said gently. "But maybe you should tell her how you feel."

"Dude, no!" Mulan said, staring at her incredulously. "Are you crazy?"

"Mulan—"

"Look, I don't want to confuse her, all right? But…" Mulan looked around, checking to make sure no one was listening, and leaned in, speaking in a low voice. "I mean, come on… she was into me, right?"

"It did seem that way," Snow mused, nodding slowly.

Mulan nodded, flourishing her hands. "Thank you!"

"I honestly thought we were going to find you two making out in the middle of the night," Snow said, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Well, there's not a whole lot else to do back in the Enchanted Forest," Mulan shrugged. "But she was definitely sending me signals."

"She wore those 'come hither' eyes around you," Snow agreed.

Mulan scoffed, folding her arms and leaning back in her seat. "I don't know. Maybe it's useless to keep pining after her." She glared at the floor. "Not like it's ever going to amount to anything."

"You don't know that," Snow said unconvincingly, though privately she thought that Aurora was making it extremely difficult, what with announcing her second child coming in seven months.

"This sucks!" Mulan said suddenly, slamming her hand on the table. Snow gasped, jumping in her seat. Mulan huffed a, "Sorry!", and went back to glaring at the floor.

"You know," Snow said, still trying to catch her breath, "you could always let me set you up with someone."

Mulan groaned, letting her head fall back. "Snow," she said exasperatedly. "I told you, I don't want—"

"Let's see," Snow said, taking out her phone and scrolling through the contacts. "What about… Ruby?"

Mulan frowned. "Which one's Ruby?"

Snow jutted her head toward the counter. "The skinny waitress."

Mulan's eyes drifted to the counter, where Ruby was once again refilling sugar containers (who always used up all the damn sugar?), and she perked up. "Huh," she said interestedly. "Ruby…" She frowned slightly. "Hold on—I thought she was into guys?"

Snow shrugged, batting a hand. "I'm sure Ruby could be persuaded, either way."

"Yeah, but doesn't she have a boyfriend?" Mulan pressed.

"Uh, she did, but she don't no more," Snow said smugly, cackling to herself as she remembered how Ruby had slaughtered Hook with that epic break-up.

She'd been telling Ruby for weeks how she couldn't let Hook ignore her like that, and treat her like she was stupid; but Ruby had argued that he was super-hot. Snow had patiently explained there was more to love than having a super-hot partner… multiple times, as Ruby had a difficult time grasping the concept. In the end, Ruby had mustered her courage and dignity, and dumped him like a sack of potatoes, which made Snow prouder than she could say. That stupid man-whore got his ass handed to him—plus, David had made some really excellent pancakes that morning, so it was a good day all around.

"Snow, I'm telling you, I don't want to deal with another Aurora," Mulan said stubbornly. "Who else?"

"Oh, but you and Ruby would be perfect together!" Snow argued, setting down her cup. "Come on, let me set you up!"

"She's got a boyfriend!" Mulan said exasperatedly.

"She had a boyfriend, he's history now!" Snow scoffed, waving her hands dismissively.

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really!"

"You're sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure! They broke up in my apartment, I watched it happen!"

"Then who was that guy she was making out with last night?"

Snow's smile froze on her face. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I said, then who was that guy—"

"Yes, yes, I heard you!" Snow said through clenched teeth, breathing hard. Oh, Ruby, she thought woefully. Oh, please tell me it was Jason, please tell me it was Jason. "I'll be right back," she told Mulan, getting up.

"Sure, you will," Mulan grumbled, picking up her cup. "Go on, leave me. Like everybody else does!" she called after her in a loud voice. Snow shot her an amused look over her shoulder, which slid right over her face when she looked back at Ruby.

"Ruby," she said in an authoritative tone, leaning against the counter. Ruby glanced up, still humming to herself. "Ruby, what happened last night?"

Ruby looked at her with wide eyes, her humming faltering. "Mmm….the Yankees beat the Mets?"

Snow squinted her eyes at her. "Ruby," she said in a stern voice. "What happened last night?"

"Uh…." Ruby's eyes trailed around the room guiltily. Snow let out a little wail, hiding her face in her hands.

"Ruby," she moaned in a muffled voice, "tell you didn't take him back."

"I…"

"Ruby!" Snow wailed.

"But Snow, he's really hot!" Ruby said pleadingly, taking her wrists.

"Ruby, why, why, why do you always give these losers—?"

"Look, he told me that he possibly loves me! I know," she said quickly as Snow dropped her hands, opening her mouth furiously. "I know about the Penelope Cruz commercial, but I also know…"

Snow blew her bangs up with a huffy breath, glaring at her. Ruby slowly withdrew her hands, quailing under her gaze.

"Okay, but he's really really hot," she said desperately.

"Ruby!" Snow slammed her hand on the counter, making Leroy slop coffee over himself. "Oh, get over it!" she snapped when he shot her a dark look. "Ruby, do you remember nothing from what we talked about?"

Ruby made a frustrated noise, holding her hands flat on either side of her head. "I'm not listening to another lecture, Snow."

"He's a jerk, Ruby!" Snow said, following her as she walked over to clean off a table. "He's just using you!"

"Maybe I'm using him," Ruby shrugged.

"Okay, see? That—that—" Snow pointed an emphatic finger at her—"that speaks volumes! You really think it's a healthy relationship when both people are just using the other? 'Cause it's not!"

Ruby huffed, piling the dishes onto her bus-tray.

"You need someone who is willing to put themselves aside for you. You need someone who values you as a person, who wants you to be the best version of yourself." Snow picked up her walking pace as Ruby strode toward the kitchen to drop off the plates. "You need someone—hey, Tony—who wants to be around you, simply because you're you—"

"No, Snow!" Ruby said, dropping the plates into the tub of water and sending a splash over poor Tony. She whirled around, glaring at Snow fiercely. "That's what you need. I don't want that."

Snow stared at her. "You don't want that?"

"No," Ruby said, folding her arms. "I don't. Not everyone has to have a Prince Charming to be happy."

Snow shook her head, struggling to understand. "Okay, but that doesn't change the fact that he treats you bad. I mean…" She raised her eyebrows, looking at Ruby intently. "He's a jerk, Ruby."

"I know," she said nonchalantly. "But he's not a bad person."

"Yeah. He kind of is." Snow smiled, scoffing slightly. "Ruby, he's killed people. You think pirates just bro out on the high seas all day? They steal, they cheat, they murder, they—"

"Do a lot of the things you did when you were on the run from Regina," Ruby finished. She raised her eyebrows, smiling smugly at Snow's stunned face. "Well. That's interesting."

She brushed past Snow, leaving her to stand there, completely floored. A strangled noise scraped out of her throat as she opened her mouth in an otherwise silent snarl, her fists clenching and unclenching. She tried to let go of her anger, but God, was she fucking angry, oh, that man-whore better not sleep with his eyes closed or walk in any dark alleys, because then she would fucking kill him and put his head on a spike.

"Okay, okay," she muttered to herself. "Calm yourself, Snow, you're fine… you're fine. Ruby!" she called, darting out of the kitchen as she flung the doors open.

Ruby was back at the counter, pouring Leroy another cup of coffee. "I'm working, Snow," she said irritably. "We can do this later."

"No, we can't. Look, I know you think he's…." Snow grimaced. "Cute."

Ruby looked at her incredulously. "Cute?"

Snow shrugged, waving her her hands. "I'm sorry, I don't see what all the fuss is about. I don't!" she insisted, when Ruby snorted derisively.

"Who are we talking about?" Leroy said gruffly.

"None of your business," Ruby said at the same time Snow said, "The mayor of Whorey-brooke."

Ruby and Leroy turned to her with wide eyes, both looking slightly impressed.

"Did you just come up with that?" Ruby asked.

"Nah, I've had that one tucked in my back pocket for ages," Snow said, feeling pleased nonetheless.

Ruby shook her head as if to clear it. "Well, you shouldn't call my boyfriend names like that," she said pointedly.

Belle, who must have come into the diner while Ruby and Snow were arguing in the kitchen, glanced up from her stack of papers. "Wait, I thought you two broke up."

"We got back together last night," Ruby said flatly. Belle made a noise of disgust, recoiling.

"Eww, why?"

"Because he can't afford a prostitute, and Ruby's cheap," Snow said coldly.

Belle's mouth fell open, and everyone in the diner froze. It was dead silent as Ruby slowly turned on her heel, trembling with fury and disbelief. Snow folded her arms, tilting her chin up challengingly.

"Oh…. snap," Belle breathed, giving a feeble snap of her fingers. It echoed through the diner, the only sound to ring through the silence.

"Well," Ruby said, her voice sounding more high-pitched and shaky than usual. "I think I'm going to go on my break now."

She untied her apron, letting it drop to the floor as she walked to the door and walked out, not even bothering to grab her coat. The bell tinkled, oddly merry against the extremely tense diner. Snow watched her go, breathing in deeply. She was not going to feel bad about this, she was not going to feel bad about this. Ruby wouldn't listen to her when she was nice and understanding; maybe some harsh words would get through to her.

That's at least what she told herself as she numbly sat down next to Belle, who was still staring at her in amazement.

"I got to tell you, I never saw that coming out of you," Belle said in awe as the diners slowly returned to their murmured conversations (although, everyone was probably discussing Snow and Ruby at this point). "I mean, that was… that was like a religious experience." She clapped slowly, still shaking her head in wonder. "I mean, wow."

"Not now, Belle," Snow said in a low voice.

"That was fucking brilliant," Belle went on, as if Snow hadn't said a word. "I never thought in a million years Snow fucking White could come out with something like that—"

"Belle!" Snow flared. Belle dropped her hands and went back to her papers. Snow glowered at them.

"What are those?" she asked roughly.

"Last minute plans," Belle said absently, scratching a signature onto a paper. "Everything's almost all set for my reception. I just have to finish signing these last catering orders, and then Granny says I'm all set."

"What are you having?" Snow asked, just trying to keep her mind off the fight with Ruby.

"Chicken," Belle said, sounding weirdly satisfied about it. "And some other stuff, of course, but it's going to be really lovely. I've got some of the girls from Henry's school to help me make the centerpieces…"

Belle went on about her reception while Snow's mind wandered. Had she taken it too far? It had seemed a tad harsh, and no amount of the "tough love" defense she'd come up with could abate her guilt.

But Ruby was just so… Snow sighed. Ruby had never experienced what Snow had with David; or maybe she had, with Peter, but everyone knew how that turned out. Maybe that was why Ruby kept forming meaningless relationships: the last person she cared about like that was dead, and it was her fault. So if she didn't let herself get close to anyone, she wouldn't feel that pain again.

"Yeah, or maybe she's just a shallow twig bitch," Belle shrugged, scribbling on another paper. Snow blinked in confusion.

"Wait, was I talking out loud?"

"Yep." Belle frowned as she shuffled a few papers around. "Interrupted me just as I was describing my dress, thanks very much," she added grumpily.

"But… oh, God, Belle, why did I say what I said?" Snow said, a horrified feeling settling in the pit of her stomach. "Why did I say that?"

"Probably 'cause you're a bitch," Belle said absently, poring over a guest list. Snow's eyebrows rose, and she turned her head to look at her. Belle glanced over, then went back to her paper. "Well, you are."

"Says the woman who bashes Ruby every chance she gets," Snow said, stung.

"I've got my reasons, believe me," Belle said darkly, swiping her papers into a stack. Snow's eyes widened at her sudden malice.

"What reasons?"

"Never you mind," Belle muttered, and swept away, leaving Snow to wallow away in guilt and questions.