SO, WE'LL HAVE THE CEREMONY IN THIS CHAPTER, BUT I HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP IN EVERY WEDDING I'VE EVER BEEN TO, SO I HAD TO SKIMP ON THE DESCRIPTION, SINCE I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW THEY GO.

ENJOY, MY LITTLE DARLINGS, AND REVIEW.

Neal leaned against the wall, wearing his customary I'm-so-unimpressed-with-Life expression, as he waited for Hook. Emma had disappeared off somewhere with Ruby, which had given Neal the opportunity to text Hook and demand he come back out, so they could discuss the fact that Emma was coming onto him. Strong.

He couldn't help, but feel a little smug (okay, a lot smug) about the affair. Two. Years. Two years of being there for her, letting her dangle him from her fingers, puppeteering him and Hook, pitting them against each other by manipulating their feelings—making him admit he had feelings, which was an uncomfortable enough experience for Neal, to begin with. And just when he agreed to stick to straight bromance… THAT'S when she decided she wanted to give it another shot? Where was she two years ago? Where was she one year ago? Where was she last month? Hook was right: she only wanted what she couldn't have.

And that was why he needed Hook right now: to help Neal remember that he was what Emma could NOT have. Nope. She had her chance; she gave it up; now it was her turn to pine after him. See how well she liked it.

But Hook really needed to hurry up.

"Hey!" Hook came jogging up to him, looking concerned. "What is it? What happened?"

Neal looked him dead in the eye. "It's Emma."

Hook's eyes grew wide. "Is she okay? What happened?"

"She's sending me signals."

Hook instantly relaxed, his face taking on an annoyed expression. "Goddamn it, Neal, you almost gave me a bloody heart attack."

"Oh, come on," Neal scoffed. "That's an overreaction."

"Yeah, well, if you say—" Hook whipped out his phone, and read out Neal's text—"we need to talk, how do you think I'm going to react? Christ, I thought you were breaking up with me."

Neal raised an eyebrow. "I feel like you've gotten this text before."

"Every time Ruby gets upset, I get that little…" Hook trailed off, shaking his head. "Look, in my experience, those four little words are the harbingers of doom. Just don't scare me like that."

"Sorry, bro."

"It's all right," Hook said, flourishing his hand graciously. "Now, what is this nonsense about Emma sending you signals?"

Neal frowned. "Nonsense? Really?"

Hook smiled apologetically, placing a comforting hand on Neal's shoulder. "Look… I don't know how to tell you this, mate, but… she was being quite friendly with me earlier, if you get my drift."

"Yeah, I got your drift, I'm just…" Neal looked at him, almost pityingly. "You didn't think she was actually flirting with you, did you?"

Hook blinked a few times. "Well, I…"

It was Neal's turn to smile apologetically and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You must be really embarrassed right now," he said softly.

"But… but why was she doing all that—?" Hook waved his arms around—"with the—?" he batted his eyes—"and the—?" he mimed twirling his hair.

"She was trying to make me jealous," Neal explained patiently. "She was just using you."

Hook's eyes widened, and he whirled around, looking for Emma. "I feel so cheap and violated!" he said furiously. "How dare she—?"

"No, no," Neal frowned, holding up a hand. "You're not going to make this about you."

Hook turned back to give him an exasperated look. "Do you think I want to make this about me?"

"Frankly, yes. You're a drama queen." Neal shook his head as Hook opened his mouth to argue. "Don't deny it."

"Neal, I am not—"

"Bro. Come on."

Hook glared at him, matching his death stare against Neal's skeptical one: a silent battle of wills commenced, during which both tried to intimidate the other into submission. Of course, Neal won because when it came to stare-downs, Neal was a master: the man could go head-to-head with Regina. Hook really didn't have a chance, and after a minute, he accepted his defeat.

"All right, tell me what happened," he said grudgingly.

"Dude!" Neal said in an urgent whisper. "Keep your voice down!"

Hook rolled his eyes, and said in an exaggerated whisper, "All right, tell me what happened quietly. I'd hate for all the invisible people around us to eavesdrop!"

Neal fought the urge to sass him back, knowing he was running low on time before the ceremony started. "Okay, so it started this morning at the apartment. Literally, the first thing she says to me is, 'Oh my God, you look hot'—"

"To you?"

Neal gave him a pained look.

"Sorry, mate. Continue."

"Anyway, I just kind of shrugged a 'thanks' at her, 'cause she said all that stuff about how she's not—"

"—looking for a relationship,'" Hook joined in with him, both of them rolling their eyes.

"But she kept looking at me in this really weird way, " Neal went on. "And then she told me again that I looked good—"

"Twice?"

"Okay, can I finish my story please?" he snapped. "Jesus, man."

"Sorry."

Neal exhaled impatiently. "Anyway…so I gave her a 'thanks, bro', so she knows I'm keeping to what we all agreed, I'm not pressuring her or anything, I'm staying out of it…" He took a breath. "And then she gives me a bro-punch."

Hook raised his eyebrows. "She gave you a bro-punch?"

Neal nodded. "Mmm-hmm."

Hook frowned thoughtfully, digesting this information. "And then what happened?"

"Not a lot," he shrugged. "She was just acting all nervous and awkward after that. And then in the car, she did pretty much the same thing." He flopped a hand. "And you were there for the rest."

"A bro-punch," Hook said, rubbing his chin. "Clearly a nervous gesture on her part, but still a voluntary move to make physical contact with you—which is, as we know, also a flirting mechanism." He peered at Neal, raising an eyebrow. "You said she was acting nervous and awkward?"

"Very."

"Was there—" Hook waved his hand—"giggling?"

Neal nodded slowly. "There might have been giggling."

"Was there a girlish quality to her voice? A lilt, perhaps?"

"There was a definite lilt," he said firmly.

"Okay," Hook said, frowning deeply in concentration. "Tell me about the car ride."

"Well, we had to sit in the back together, so it was pretty cramped, and she squished herself up to the other side to keep this space between us. But then David made this really sharp turn, and she crashed into me, so—"

"Did she pull away quickly, or did she linger?"

"She shot back pretty fast," Neal said, watching him closely. Hook nodded.

"Mmm… you see?" He pointed a finger at Neal. "Nervous. That's a good sign."

He raised his eyebrows. "You mean it's better than if she lingered?"

"Well, if she lingered, you might say she's dropping signals to have her way with you later tonight. And see, that would be an intentional signal, a passing fancy. But the unintentional signal of being nervous…" Hook spread his arms, letting the meaning dangle in the air.

Neal almost started to smile until he remembered why he had called Hook out there in the first place. "Wait, wait, wait," he said."You're not supposed to be encouraging me, you're supposed to be telling me to stay away from her!"

Hook looked baffled. "Why the bloody hell would I do that?"

"Because!" Neal said frustratedly. "Because I can't just give in after she lead me on for two years! I don't have to explain it to you, she did the same thing to you!"

"Yes, but if she wants you now—" Hook shook his head—"I mean, isn't this what you wanted?"

Neal opened his mouth, ready to deliver a lecture on why he refused to go crawling back to Emma, when he saw Regina enter the front hall, Robin and Henry trailing in her wake. A small tuft of dark hair peeked out from behind Robin, presumably Roland. Regina caught his eye, turned to say something to Robin, and walked over to them with a polite smile on her face.

"Neal," she greeted him, inclining her head. She glanced over at Hook, a veil of disdain descending on her features. "You."

"Regina," Hook said politely, averting his eyes. Neal frowned at him.

"What are you doing?"

"Being considerate." Hook focused on the ceiling. "Regina is an absolute vision, and if I so much as glance at her, I'm going to end up saying things that I… really shouldn't be saying in a church."

Regina raised her eyebrows. "Well, there you have it, Neal," she said, smiling. "Who says you can't teach an old slut new tricks?"

"I'd love to see what kind of tricks you can teach me—damn it!" Hook made a frustrated noise. "Sorry."

"Oh, there you are, Hook, I didn't see you there. For a minute, there was a civilized human being in the way." Regina gave him a disparaging look before turning back to Neal. "I just wanted to say hello, and tell you that I took away Henry's computer." She smiled, looking rather proud of herself. "And assigned him a two-thousand word disciplinary essay to be written in cursive."

"Two thousand?" Neal's eyebrows shot up. "Shit. I'd hate to be on your bad side."

"I wouldn't mind seeing your bad side—DAMN IT!"

"I'm going to ignore that," Regina sighed as Hook cursed under his breath. "As I try to do with your general existence."

"You bringing anything to the reception?" Neal asked, changing the subject hastily. "I know David's bringing baklava."

"Cookies," she said, waving a dismissive hand. "Anyways, I should go." Neal caught a mischievous glint in her eye. "I want a good seat, so I can see the mister-of-honor in all his glory."

"Don't we all?" Neal grinned.

Regina chuckled as she turned away and walked back to Robin and the boys. Neal shook his head, marveling at the fact that he had managed to cultivate a friendship with Regina Mills, of all people.

"This is going to be a bloody nightmare," Hook said.

"I know," Neal grimaced. He was his father's best man: he was going to have to stand up there in front of the whole of Storybrooke… and stay awake during the ceremony. Neal had been invited to several weddings, back when he lived in New York: he hadn't stayed awake during any of them. The only wedding he'd ever imagined staying awake during was his own—and even that was a stretch.

Hook cleared his throat. "We should go."

"We should," Neal agreed, not moving.

They stood there, both reflecting on the fact that they really should be going and that they really didn't feel like it.

"You know," Hook said suddenly. "It occurs to me that if Regina gets a good enough seat, I can stare at her during the whole ceremony without having to worry about saying anything offensive."

Neal looked at him incredulously. "Ruby's going to be in the front row," he said. "You think she's going to be very happy about you ogling Regina right in front of her?

Hook winked. "I have ways of making it up to her."

"Please don't elaborate on that."

Hook sighed dramatically as they started walking. "Oh, Neal."

"Oh, Killy."

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to call me that anymore."

"I don't remember agreeing to anything like that."

"You should. 'Cause you did."

"Please. Why would I give up a gem like 'Killy'?"

"Hey, Neal?"

"Hmm?"

"I hate you."

Regina crossed her legs and sat back against the wooden pew, grimacing as she prepared herself for what was going to be a nauseatingly dull hour and a half. Robin sat next to her, already struggling to keep a squirming Roland still. Henry sat on her other side, side-eyeing Roland with a look of disgust on his face. Regina nudged him.

"Henry," she muttered warningly.

"I hate that kid, Mom."

Regina kept her mouth closed tightly so she didn't voice her agreement. It wasn't that she disliked children; quite the opposite, actually. But Roland…? She tried to love him, for Robin's sake, but he was a most obnoxious child. He was always a mess, always shrieking and running about on his stumpy little legs, bursting into tears at random… Henry had never given her so much trouble.

Although he was giving her plenty of trouble now. He's spent the entire car ride, moaning about the essay she'd set him and how he needed his computer and why it wasn't fair and she didn't even care that he already had a million things to do for school and why did she have to take everything so seriously?

She stroked his hair. "Just behave yourself, Henry."

He sighed, turning his eyes forward.

The music started, Archie coaxing the traditional wedding march out of the old organ. Everyone stood up, turning to watch the bridesmaids and groomsmen come down the aisle: first Aurora, one hand on her stomach, with her husband, Phillip; then Ariel with her husband (?), Eric; lastly Tinker Bell, accompanied by Will Scarlet, who already looked drunk off his ass.

Regina was unable to keep the smirk off her face, knowing that Hook would be next to walk down the aisle as the mister-of-honor. This was going to be deliciously humiliating for him. She leaned forward slightly, eager to see him embarrass himself before the entire town.

He was standing at the back, waiting for his cue; from the front, Tink gave him a thumbs-up. Instantly, he broke into a brilliant smile, and started down the aisle like it was a runway. Regina rolled her eyes: the sheer vanity of that man…

He tossed out winks and secret smiles, making the women who had never endured the horror of actually speaking to him, swoon; those who had, tossed their heads exasperatedly and tried to ignore him. When he passed by Regina, he beamed at her, and paused to whisper, "Love the dress, darling."

"Ugh."

He took his place at the front, reveling in all the attention. Regina felt rather disappointed; she'd been hoping to see his spirit crushed to dust and scattered by the wind.

Neal, standing beside his father, already looked half-asleep, but seemed to wake up a little when Hook arrived. Regina raised an eyebrow as she watched the two men exchange a glance, apparently having a silent conversation that must have been highly amusing because they both had to turn their heads to hide their smiles. She smiled ruefully. How very mature of them, to—

She snorted as Belle appeared, taking up most of the aisle in the most outlandishly puffy wedding dress she'd ever laid eyes on. Suddenly, she understood the secret laughter between Hook and Neal.

Regina made sure to keep her eyes down when Belle passed them, her fingers tightly clutching Henry's shoulder to remind him to behave and not to laugh. She chanced a glance when the sound of footsteps stopped, as Belle apparently reached the end of the aisle: she was a grown woman, after all, she could keep from—nope. Regina turned her head away to fight past the laughter threatening to break out of her throat. Robin looked down at her, also biting back a smile as he brought a finger to his lips and mouthed, Shh. Regina took a minute to compose herself, then looked back to the front, carefully averting her eyes from Belle as much as possible.

Of course, Rumple looked at her as if she were the most beautiful creature on earth, smiling widely as she beamed back. Well, at least they were happy, Regina thought, shrugging. One of the most ridiculous couples she knew, but as long as they enjoyed being ridiculous with each other, who was she to judge?

Her eyes glazed over as the minister began droning out the speech to officiate the vow renewal. Christ, this was dull. Why was she even here? It wasn't like she was particularly good friends with Belle; and she and Rumple had a complicated relationship at best. It would have been different in Snow and David were having a vow renewal; at least them, she considered to be her friends. Surely it would have been just as dull, but there would have been a conceivable reason for being there. But here, it seemed like she was torturing herself with maddening boredom simply because she nothing better to do that morning.

Still, the reception would be nice, she thought as Belle started reading out her vows. There would be a nice dinner, and wine, and music. Maybe Robin would take her out for a spin on the dance floor, or they could enjoy watching other people—meaning, Hook and Ruby—make drunken fools of themselves.

Rumple cleared his throat to deliver his vows, slightly pink. Regina felt a smirk curl around her lips. Well, if Hook wasn't going to cooperate and be humiliated to death, at least she could watch Rumple be. She glanced back at Hook and Neal, losing interest in Rumple's speech almost immediately: Neal was swaying dangerously, his eyes slowly closing and flickering open every so often; Hook was watching Rumple intently, and he seemed to be mouthing along with Rumple's vows. Regina raised an eyebrow: what a strange specimen he was.

"…even in my darkest hour. You seem to have a talent for loving me. And I mean that in more ways than one. Parentheses, wink at crowd as they laugh, end parentheses," Rumple read from his notecard, his brow furrowed. Hook closed his eyes exasperatedly, visibly clenching his teeth.

"I'm guessing Hook helped him write those," Robin muttered, sounding amused.

"That would explain why the word 'bloody' was in there so many times," Regina mused.

Belle seemed to forgive Rumple for the offensive joke, though the glare she shot Hook was almost worthy of Regina's approval. Mercifully, the ceremony wrapped up soon after, and the church broke into loud applause—though whether it was to congratulate the couple or merely from pure relief that the ceremony was over, was unclear.

Rumple and Belle were smiling brilliantly as they made their way down the aisle, miraculously not bowling over the audience as Belle's skirts flew behind her.

"Now what?" Henry asked as he continued to disinterestedly beat his hands together.

"I think a bunch of us are going for lunch at Granny's, and then around four we go to the house for cocktail hour—you are not allowed to partake—and then the reception's right after." Regina gathered her scarf around her neck while Robin tried to persuade Roland into his arms.

Everyone started shuffling out of the pews, thoroughly disenchanted as they started tripping over each other. Regina and her boys hung back, waiting for the walkway to get less congested, especially since they were sitting near the front. Snow, David, and Emma seemed to have the same idea a few aisles ahead of them; and Neal and Hook were already making their way toward them, probably to discuss how mind-numbingly dull the ceremony had been.

Ruby popped up out of nowhere, and shot a strange smile at Emma as she lead Hook away, Granny trailing at their heels with a disgruntled look. Emma smirked, and exchanged a glance with Regina over Ruby. Regina wasn't quite sure why they were smirking, but any chance to show disdain for the slutty waitress was fine by her.

Henry climbed over the pews, disregarding her scolding, "Henry!", to greet Neal. Regina tsked at him, and turned to Robin—only to find that he too was climbing over the pews, Roland scampering over after him.

"What are you doing?" she frowned.

Robin looked back at her innocently. "I just wanted to say hi to Emma and Neal."

"We're going to lunch in ten minutes. Do you really have to treat the church like a jungle gym right now?"

"Yes," he said seriously. "I must."

"Roland is being more mature than you right now. I hope you realize that."

"Roland is following in his father's footsteps," Robin corrected. "We are equally mature."

"Hey, Regina!" Neal called, also climbing over the pews (what was wrong with everyone today?). "Guess what Henry just asked me?"

"Dad!" Henry yelped, a note of panic in his voice. "Please!"

"He asked me if I thought I could talk you out of making him write that essay!" Neal said, fighting Henry's desperate attempts to pull him back.

"Oh, really?" Regina smiled dangerously at Henry. "Perhaps I will require it in Spanish, after all."

Neal climbed over the last few pews, merely nodding at Emma as he passed her, and met Robin halfway. "'S'up, bro?" he greeted him, balancing with his feet on two different pews.

"Neal," Robin nodded with a smile, and they continued in opposite directions. Robin hopped down to talk to Emma, while Neal came to a stop in front of Regina, grinning.

"So," he said, sitting on the edge of the pew in front of her. "What did you think?"

"Time moved faster when Storybrooke was frozen for twenty-eight years," she said wryly.

Neal laughed, making Regina smile. It never ceased to amaze her how well they clicked; it was like they'd been good friends for years, instead of mere acquaintances up until a few weeks ago.

"You guys coming to lunch?" he asked, jutting his head toward Robin.

"Robin wants to, so I said I'd go," she shrugged.

"Sit with us, then? I don't want to get stuck next to Emma," he explained in a lowered voice. Regina raised an eyebrow.

"Why is that?"

He shrugged. "Let's just say, things are a little awkward right now, I don't want to go into it. But you'll sit with us, yeah?"

"Uh… sure." Regina shook her head, puzzled. She couldn't keep up with the cloud of drama that seemed to cling to Emma; it was exhausting trying to remember all the gossip. She didn't know why Neal was suddenly averse to her company—perhaps she'd ask Robin later, he was better at keeping tabs on the social scene.

She looked over at him: he seemed to be in a deep conversation with Emma, frowning and nodding slowly. Regina could practically see the gears and wheels in his head turning as he digested whatever gossip Emma was dispensing. As kind and sweet as he was, Robin was a compulsive busybody. No doubt whatever he was hearing right now, Regina would be hearing about later.

"Wonderful," she muttered to herself, not looking forward to the unnecessarily detailed report Robin would be giving her. "Simply wonderful."

I PROMISE YOU, SHIT WILL HIT THE FAN SOON. YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO GET A COUPLE EXPLOSIONS, BECAUSE I'VE GOT ANOTHER REVEAL UP MY SLEEVE OTHER THAN GRAHAM.

SORRY FOR ALL THESE DOUCHEY AUTHOR NOTES, BTW.