The Birds Who Smile: Bat Weds Cat
(rough draft)
A Batman fanfic by Raberba girl
Summary: My headcanon for Bruce & Selina's wedding, including the children from my fic The Birds Who Smile.
A/N: This fic is crossposted on all my sites, but in different collections. Ask me if you can't find it on AO3 or FFN (or DA).
More notes at the end of the fic.
o.o.o
"Do you need something, Kyle?" Damian asked coldly without looking up. His father's fiancée had been standing behind his desk for a full minute without saying anything, and he refused to look up from his work or turn around.
"...All right, I'm crap at this, so let's just skip to the part where I give you a gift so you'll pretend to tolerate me."
Damian's eyes narrowed. "What sort of gift?"
In answer, Selina set something down on his desk, right on top of his notepad.
Damian stared. The creature stood uncertainly on the notepad for a minute, then started to pick its way across the desk, sniffing at things as it went, taking an experimental nip at a pencil. Damian wanted nothing more than to cup both hands around that hunk of warm, calico fluff and rub his cheek against it and feed it and keep it safe forever, but he knew that reaching for the kitten would also mean accepting the woman who had gifted it to him.
"...I suppose you'll want me to start calling you 'Mother,'" he finally said.
She leaned against the desk as if conversing casually with a friend. "You can call me whatever you want, kiddo. Within reason, obviously. I know there's someone you already call 'Mother,' and no matter what I think of her, I'm not going to make you deny what she means to you."
Slowly, Damian reached out a hand and set his fingertips on the kitten's fur, scratching gently. It whirled and started butting his hand for more. "It is a handsome creature."
"She was the best of the litter."
"Just like me," Damian asserted. He cupped his hand under the kitten, steadying her with the other, and lifted her to his cheek. "Very well. I accept your bribe, 'Mom.'"
She kissed the top of his head. "Good. Then I'll see you later, Damian."
He barely noticed her leave. He got so preoccupied playing with Bribe that the call to come to dinner hours later came as a surprise.
o.o.o.o.o
"So." Superman leaned on the back of Batman's chair, watching him type up an after-mission Justice League report. Then he thought that Batman might be offended and straightened up hurriedly. He needed to not be on the Dark Knight's bad side for this. "Have you chosen a best man yet?"
After the words left his mouth, he wanted to wince. No matter how casually he asked it, the fact that he was asking at all made what he actually wanted to know pretty obvious, given their relationship.
"If you mean, am I going to ask you to be my best man, the answer is no," Batman said shortly.
Superman immediately fell back on his practiced efforts to keep all trace of disappointment out of his voice. "No, I mean, I was just curious. Obviously you have a lot of friends, I mean, you have a reputation as a loner but you actually kind of have a ton of friends, it's totally understandable that you wouldn't pick, that, uh, it makes sense that you'd have plenty of people in mind to be your best man, I was just curious-"
Batman abruptly stood, shoved a file into Superman's hands, and stalked off, all without looking at him.
Superman stared at the topmost page, which was an application for ordination. "Are you-?! Batman, come back here, are you asking me to officiate at your wedding?!"
"Everything you need is in the file," Batman snapped, punching in a Zeta-Tube code.
"You know you didn't actually ask me, but I'd be DELIGHTED to be your officiant, Bruce!" Superman shouted after his friend just before Batman Zeta'd back to Earth. He looked down at the papers in his hands, unable to stop beaming.
o.o.o.o.o
"I suppose we'll have to have two ceremonies," Bruce remarked, looking at the draft of the guest list.
Selina raised an eyebrow. "Why? It's a small wedding, and everyone we want to be there either already knows you're Batman or can keep pretending to be clueless."
"I doubt that Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy would find it in their best interests to feign cluelessness."
"Bruce. They've known who you are for ages."
Bruce did not speak or indicate any surprise in his expression or body language, but she sensed it anyway.
"Harley never told because she knows what would probably happen to your family, and she always had a hard time with kids getting hurt even she was at her worst with him. And Pam may not exactly be your biggest fan, but she does grudgingly admit that Wayne Enterprises does a reasonable job - by meat people standards - of self-policing its environmental impact. She'd rather that everyone become plant people and subsist on sunlight, but short of that, she knows you try, and how strongly you'd retaliate if she revealed your identity. She's never had any real reason to betray you, and even if she did, she already could."
"...One ceremony, then."
o.o.o.o.o
They had originally planned for John to be the ring bearer. That changed a few days before the wedding, when the birds were poking through shopping bags as Alfred helped Bruce and Selina unload and organize the latest wedding purchases. Peter was very taken with the substitute rings sewed to their silky pillow, and had already gotten the set out of its packaging by the time any of the adults noticed.
"Peter," Selina said coaxingly, trying to get it away from him before he started chewing on it, "if you let us take it now, then we'll let you carry it at the wedding, and you can keep it afterward. How does that sound?"
"My rring."
"The rings are for the wedding. But after the wedding, you can keep the rings if you're a good boy. But you have to be good and give me the rings now, and then I'll give them back to you at the wedding."
"Peter, look!" Jack said, holding out his phone. Peter was so interested in the photos his little brother had taken of him playing with the rings that he failed to stop Selina from whisking the pillow out of his hands and passing it to Alfred for safekeeping. "CROW!"
"Later, Peter," Bruce said quickly. "You can have it later, if you are patient."
"I don't like being patient!"
"You can have something now instead of the rings, and then you can have the rings later, at the wedding."
Peter calculated. "...I want fixx b, book'ss."
"All right. We can go work in the library once we clean up here."
Selina reached to caress John's hair as he picked curiously at the bow on a package of placards. "Johnny, are you okay being a flower boy with Jack instead?"
"Flower?"
"Peter will carry the rings, and you and Jack will scatter the flower petals for me."
"Roses?"
"Yes, we're going to use rose petals."
"NOT RED, I DON'T LIKE IT, DO NOT CUT RED BLOOD."
"They'll be white petals, kitten. Not red."
"White roses."
"Yes, your rose petals will be white."
"Good."
o.o.o.o.o
The wedding was held at Wayne Manor. Since Selina had no family and very few friends in attendance, the seating wasn't split. Though Bruce had drawn the line at Bat-Cow being included in the ceremony or positioned where she might produce cowpat photobombs, she had been brought off to the side with a long tether, and was currently grazing.
The guests mingled before the ceremony, chatting or making introductions as needed. Jim Gordon, one of the few ordinary people milling through the sea of superheroes (some in their secret identities, some in full costume, and others simply masked), made a point to remark several times that Bruce Wayne sure had a lot of interesting friends thanks to his financial connections to Batman, Inc. and the Justice League. Lucius Fox and his family, some of them also odd ones out among all the literal or figurative domino masks, didn't need to insist on such a strong pretense, but they, too, avoided any speculation on why Bruce Wayne would have made these particular selections for a relatively short guest list.
At last, everyone took their seats, and the processional music started. Clark came first and took his place at the front, trying to keep his smile under control so Bruce wouldn't complain at him later for being too happy. Next came the groom escorting a dignified but proud Alfred, who was seated in a place of honor in the front row. Bruce, finding his face close to Alfred's as he started to straighten, impulsively brushed a discreet kiss against his father's forehead, and Alfred gently squeezed his hand. Bruce stepped up to his place, stoically refusing to even glance at his best friend's joyful expression.
Since all of Bruce's older children were his attendants, they far outnumbered the bridesmaids. Dick, as the best man, proceeded first by himself, carrying Alfred the cat, whom he carefully handed off to his human namesake at the end of the aisle. Next came Jason and Tim together, then Cassandra and Duke.
Damian was the last groomsman, escorting both the family dogs. While Titus behaved beautifully unleashed, Ace's ears were pricked in curiosity and his eyes were wandering. Alfred, the only person he reliably obeyed, rose up to sign commands, and Ace managed to make it to the old man's side without trotting away or bolting ahead of his companions. Once Damian had settled the dogs with nice big chew treats at Alfred's feet, he moved to join his siblings. All six attendants stood at their father's side in a tiered formation, Cassandra's long dress matching her brothers' tuxedos.
There was no maid of honor present, since the one Selina would have chosen had sacrificed her freedom for the sake of her best friend's marriage, and Selina was not about to replace Holly. Pamela came down the aisle first, followed by Harley, their bridesmaid dresses short but less revealing than expected. Isis was transferred from Pamela's arms to a decorated white cat carrier that matched Alfred's and was filled, like his, with food and quiet toys to keep her occupied. Other than Harley licking her lips and Pamela smirking a little in appreciation of the handsome groom's attendants, the bridesmaids behaved themselves.
Much better than the children did, as it turned out. John had performed wonderfully during the rehearsal with practice leaves, but now, he proceeded serenely down the entire aisle without making any move to fulfill his role. When he reached the front row, he turned around, set down his basket, scooped out two fistfuls of flower petals, and flung them into the air so that they cascaded down upon him and his alight expression in an elegant shower.
The guests barely had time to laugh and aww before Peter, delighted that people were apparently throwing things now, hurled the ring pillow high into the air.
"Go long!" Harley shouted gleefully. Clark made an instinctive move to rise up and grab it, but Bruce, without looking, nudged him hard. Pretty much everyone present knew that Bruce was Batman, but Superman still had a secret identity to protect from some of the guests, and he smiled sheepishly at his near slip-up. It was Jason who caught the pillow and then brandished it like a football.
"NO! BAD BOY!" Jack shrieked at Peter. His outraged scolding in bird language was echoed by an equally outraged Damian in human language.
Dick's arrhythmic clapping from the front captured their attention. At Bruce's sternly signed "Come here NOW," John and Peter galloped to cling to their oldest brother.
Jack resumed his trek down the aisle, strewing petals with utmost dignity and correctness. He then took his place with the rest of his family, smiling when Damian praised pointedly (and louder than intended), "You did well, Drake." Almost everyone laughed again, and a pink-faced Tim made a quickly aborted move to facepalm. Jason handed the ring pillow back to his young counterpart, who immediately started to play with it.
Then the music changed, and the guests rose to their feet. A moment later, Selina made her entrance. Bruce's intense stare caught hers, and then they were aware of nothing else as the space between them grew smaller and smaller. Bruce reached out sooner than had been rehearsed, stepping forward to meet her and draw her up beside him and all the people he loved most. Selina's thoughts were so full of her soon-to-be husband that she barely remembered to hand her bouquet to Harley. Pamela watched, cool and unconvinced and polite, but Harley's delighted, fond grin was now as big as Superman's.
"Welcome, everyone, to this wonderful celebration," Clark began when the music had stopped, clapping a hand against Bruce's arm to express how happy for and proud of his friend he was. "Friends and family, we are gathered here today to witness the union of Bruce Thomas Wayne and Selina Kyle..."
It was a fairly short ceremony, partially for the birds' sake (Jack was riveted and John was daydreaming in Dick's arms, but Tim and Duke were subtly trying to distract Peter from gnawing on the substitute rings or prying beads off the pillow), and partially because an event like this was practically begging for some sort of dramatic interruption.
The ceremony, however, went smoothly. No uninvited supervillains burst onto the scene, no aliens chose that moment to invade, no exes came storming in. Bruce almost wondered if he was dreaming when he realized that Clark was asking him if he intended to take the woman he loved as his wife, and nothing was standing in the way of him saying 'I do'...so he said it. "I do." There was a quick, quiet whoop from Jason, followed by a much less quick or quiet birdcall from Peter, stage-whispered scolding from Jack and Damian, and then shushing from Dick and Tim.
Clark, smiling fondly, waited until the commotion died down before asking for the rings. Dick started, then scooted John over to lean against Cassandra instead so that he could rummage in his jacket pocket for the real rings, which he handed over. "The circular shape of the wedding ring signifies the unending nature of love-"
He paused, and everyone looked around, trying to figure out what machine was breaking down. Bruce was the one who first realized what the noise was. "Damian...did you bring your kitten?" Behind his back, Selina made an approving thumbs-up.
"...Bribe is part of the family, too," Damian said, red-faced, then fished the tiny creature out of his jacket pocket. Dick shook his head with an amused smile, Jason burst into laughter, Tim shut his eyes in a longsuffering way, and Harley squealed about how cute the kitten was.
"It's a cat, Daddy! It's a little baby cat!" Jack announced. John plucked Bribe out of Damian's indignant hands and gently rubbed her against his cheek.
"Hey, guys, I think Dad wants to finish getting married, so let's all shut up now, okay?" Dick suggested mildly, patting Damian's shoulder to calm him.
Two vows later, Bruce and Selina were husband and wife. Clark made the pronouncement, the couple moved to kiss, and Jack, unable to contain his excitement, bounded in front of them and shrieked to the guests, both arms raised in an 'Up!' gesture, "Daddy married! Be happy!" Everyone burst into laughter, which soon turned to cheers and applause. Ace started barking in excitement, followed by a couple of uncertain woofs from Titus. Bruce hoisted Jack up onto his hip and leaned to kiss Selina again, who then smiled at Jack and tugged him close to give him a kiss, too. Jack stuck close even after he was set down, beaming as proudly as if he'd arranged the whole wedding himself.
Harley, almost as excited as Jack, bounced over to glomp Dick before practically dancing in the wake of the newly married couple. Pamela followed more sedately. Dick signed a quick explanation to John, who was looking amiably confused about all the noise, before retreating down the aisle himself. John and Peter ended up trotting after him like puppies, and he put an arm around each of them as he walked.
"Is that seriously how Tim would act if he'd been raised different?" Jason was laughing in the meantime, gesturing toward Jack. Tim, who would not have thought so but couldn't argue with the evidence, blushed again and tried to think of a sufficiently sarcastic reply.
"Everyone is happy," Cassandra sighed in contentment.
"They ruined it, I knew the children shouldn't have been in the wedding party," Damian was complaining, then looked taken aback when Duke said that ceremony had actually gone pretty well and then asked to hold the kitten. "Very well, but be careful with her, Thomas."
"Dude, I'm not the one who had her stuffed in a pocket."
Bruce, with one arm around his new wife and his other hand clasped with his youngest son's, made his way through the cheering crowd under a rain of rose petals. It wasn't until his attendants started joining him that he realized how widely he was smiling.
o.o.o
A/N: One of the changes I'm going to make in later drafts is to have Damian call at least some of his older siblings by their (full) given names so that it won't be confusing for him to call the baby birds by their original surnames. I don't know exactly when this fic takes place, I'm thinking roughly a year after the birds' rescue. I don't know yet if I'll be able to include Ace in TBWS or not (I didn't know until recently that Ace is a current Wayne pet rather than a former one), but I figured it couldn't hurt to include him here. The reason this is a side-story rather than part of the main story is that I want to keep the fic as gen as possible on AO3, though I might later decide to make this an excised scene instead (not sure yet). I'm sorry about the hiatus (for real this time!), but all the wedding stuff means that I haven't had a chance to make much progress on my writing.
I've had the idea for Bribe the kitten for a long time, but I wasn't planning to include it in the TBWSverse until my youngest sister's recent wedding. Watching my toddler niece be an adorably hilarious flower girl made me wonder how Bruce's wedding might go if his babiest birds were involved, and it gave me the chance to use all my other wedding headcanons, too.
In America, marriage laws vary from state to state. If all else fails, I assume that a couple could have whatever unofficial ceremony and officiant they want, and additionally have a courthouse wedding ceremony that will be the legally recognized one.