"And New York is just so incredible at Christmas!" Belle gushed through the phone. "Oh, my God, I wish you were here right now, so you could see this!"

"I don't think the crocodile would be too pleased with that arrangement," Hook said absently, frowning as he rifled through Belle's desk drawer for something interesting, grimacing when all he came up with was a handful of paper clips.

"'Crocodile'." He could hear her rolling her eyes. "All right, whatever. Hey, did you put up the Christmas decorations in the library, like I told you?"

Hook glanced at the garden gnome he'd stuffed a Santa hat on and shoved in the corner. "Sure…"

"And play the Christmas music, okay? I want Christmas spirit in there."

"I'm the only one in here," he scoffed, throwing himself into her wheeled desk chair. "God, this place is boring."

"So play the Christmas music. You remember how to work iTunes?"

"I think so…" Hook wheeled forward, squinting as he trailed the cursor across the screen. Back during their first couple dating rounds, Ruby had schooled him in technology—and proved to be an excellent teacher, as he could now discuss things like "gigabytes" and "computer crashing" with ease. Some things, he still had to consult his notes for (like "cookies", that always threw him), but most of it was fairly easy to pick up.

"Okay," he said, scrolling through her playlists. "Is it…'Christmastime, bitches' or 'Fuck, yeah, it's Christmas'?"

"'Christmastime, bitches,'" she responded promptly.

"Okay." He clicked 'play' and held the phone to the speaker, so she could hear for herself that he'd listened to her. "Satisfied?"

"Thank you," she said in a sing-song voice. "Okay, I gotta go. Me and Rumple are going to lunch pretty soon, and I need to get ready—hang on—"

Hook waited as she held her hand over the answer piece, listening to someone in the background.

"Rumple says 'hi', and that he thinks your eyeliner is silly."

"Tell him I said 'hi', and that his suits are doll-sized."

"Okay, I will. I'll call you later, all right?"

"Have nice time, love."

As soon as Belle hung up, he turned off the Christmas music: he detested sleigh bells, and every single one of those goddamn songs had a goddamn sleigh bell in it.

"Let's see…" he muttered to himself, going through Belle's music."What shall we listen to?"

"Anything but 'Frosty the Snowman'."

Hook looked up as Robin walked into the library, Roland resting on his shoulders. "Hey," Hook said, noting the snowflakes melting against their jackets. "Snowing, is it?"

"Wow…," Robin said in mock awe. "You really do work for the police department."

"So sassy," Hook snorted, glancing at them over his computer screen. "I see you've brought your little troll with you."

"Don't call him a troll," Robin scolded. "He's my son."

"Who's a troll," Hook muttered under his breath.

"All right—" Robin said in a strained voice, swinging the boy off his shoulders and setting him on the ground. "Go on, Roland. Go find a book."

"Daddy, come," Roland pouted, tugging on his sleeve. Robin shook his head.

"No, no, Daddy's tired," he said, untangling Roland's fingers. "I'lll be right here, okay? You can pick out any book you want."

"Daddy…" Roland tottered after him as Robin pulled out a chair from one of the tables, and dropped into it exhaustedly. "Daddy, come."

"Ask Uncle Killy," Robin murmured sleepily, leaning back in his seat.

Hook frowned, slowly lifting his head. Uncle Killy?

Roland clamped both arms around one of Robin's. "I want Daddy…" he whined.

"Yes, take Daddy," Hook said, staring daggers at Robin. "Uncle Killy's busy finding a rope to hang himself with."

Robin groaned, passing a hand over his eyes. "All right…" He pushed himself off the chair, heaving a sigh. "Let's go find a book."

"And don't you ever refer to me as 'Uncle Killy' again!" Hook ordered as they went off in search of the children's section.

He went back to his iTunes, frowning as he scrolled through Belle's musics. Didn't she have anything good in here? There was just a bunch of girly pop music!

"Come on, Belle," he muttered frustratedly. "What is this?"

He was thoroughly engrossed in searching through and criticizing Belle's taste in music when Robin and Roland returned to the counter with a small stack of children's books. Hook flicked his eyes briefly at them.

"What?"

"Roland wants to check some books out," Robin said, taking the books from his son and putting them on the counter. Hook rolled his eyes, getting up from his chair to scan the books out. He grimaced, going through the stack of insipidly cheerful picture books: Paul the Parrot Makes a Friend!; Lucy the Lemur Bakes a Cake!; Jason the Jackal Paints A Picture!

"Very exciting lives, all these animals lead," Hook remarked, handing the books to Roland. "Making friends, baking cakes…"

"What do we say to Uncle Killy?" Robin prodded the boy. Hook gritted his teeth as Roland beamed up at him, and said in his still-nauseatingly-babyish voice, "Thank you."

"Any time, Roland. Get out of my sight."

"Whoa—" Robin turned to him in surprise. "Bit harsh, are we?"

Hook shrugged, pointing Roland in the direction of the kiddie tables. After a permissive nod from Robin, Roland gathered his small stack of books and tottered over to the table. Robin watched him go, then turned back to Hook.

"So," he said, raising his eyebrows as he leaned his elbows on the counter. "Any progress with Ruby?"

"Mmm—" Hook clicked his teeth, shaking his head—"I don't know. I'm not really sure where we're at."

"What do you mean?" Robin frowned.

"Well…we've been keeping things friendly, but I wouldn't say there's progress," he said. "I can't really tell what's going on in her head."

"Of course you can't," Robin snorted. "She's a woman."

"I know. That's one of my favorite things about her." Hook dropped his head back, groaning at the ceiling. "Robin, this is exhausting…"

"You want exhausting?" Robin said grimly. "Try having a kid."

"Ugh." Hook brought his head back up, glancing down at his phone on the counter. "Wish she'd call me or something. I can't stand the not knowing. It's driving me mad."

"Why don't you just call her?" Robin suggested. Hook scoffed at his ignorance.

"I don't want to scare her off. She's only just now starting to come around." He leaned his fist against the counter, frowning at it to avoid Robin's gaze. "I want her to know I'm serious this time, I'm not just bored and looking for a way to pass the time."

Robin opened his mouth, his tongue clicking against his teeth. "Awww…."

"Shut up."

"But that's so cute…"

"Right. Get out. Get out of my library." Hook pointed to the door, glaring at Robin. "You and your little troll are not allowed here anymore."

"Roland's not a troll," Robin frowned, not moving. "Don't call him that."

Hook glanced over to the little yellow kiddie-table, where Roland was flipping through one of his books. Roland—ugh. He shuddered. How did Robin not see the troll in that child?

"You know what you should do?" Robin picked up Hook's phone, scrolling through the contacts. "Text her." He tossed it to Hook, who stared at him in disbelief.

"Are you mad?"

"Something neutral," Robin shrugged. "Just something like, 'Hey, how's it going?'"

"'Hey, how's it going?'" Hook repeated, looking down at his phone bewilderedly. "Then what?"

"Then you wait for her to respond."

Hook bit his lip, and hesitantly typed in the message. "Hey… how's…it…going…question mark." He looked up at Robin. "Should I put a smiley face in there?"

Robin shook his head emphatically. "Overkill. Then you will scare her off."

"Okay. No smiley face." Hook took a deep breath, his finger hovering above the button…and hit SEND. Instantly, he tossed the phone on the counter, taking several steps back. "Now what?" he asked anxiously.

"Now we wait."

"Right. Wait." Hook slumped back to the counter. "How long does this usually take?"

"I don't know," Robin said. "She's back to working at the diner, she might not get back to you for a couple hours."

"Hours?" Hook stared at him with wide eyes. "What the bloody hell is wrong with you? You let me send a text to this woman, and she won't get it for hours?"

"Just—calm down, all right?" Robin said, holding up a hand as Hook started hyperventilating. "You're going to make yourself sick."

"I'm not sick, you're sick!" Hook flared, flinging an accusing finger at him. "You're sick! You're a sick man, you—you sicko! How could you do this to me?"

"I haven't done anything to you!" Robin said indignantly. "I'm helping you get your girlfriend back, how is that sick?"

"I don't know, but I know it's sick," Hook hissed, glaring at him. Robin snorted derisively.

"You are so—"

Hook held up his hand, staring in wonder as the phone vibrated against the counter, the words NEW TEXT MESSAGE flashing across the screen. He and Robin stared at it for a minute, watching it rattle against the counter.

"Pick it up," Robin urged. Hook looked up with wide eyes, hardly breathing.

"You think it's her?"

"Only one way to find out," Robin said, nodding toward the phone. Hook looked down at it, hesitantly reaching his hand out—then drew back, shaking his head.

"I can't, I'm too nervous. You do it." He pushed the phone toward Robin, snapping his hand back as though it burned him.

"What are you, a thirteen-year-old-girl?" Robin scoffed, but he picked up the phone nonetheless to read the text. Hook watched anxiously, searching his face for any signs of dismay or pity.

"You can relax," Robin said, glancing up. "It's just Neal, he wants to know if you've seen Emma's sheriff badge. She can't find it."

"Oh," Hook said, slumping. "Yeah, I put it in the fridge behind the orange juice."

"You did what?" Robin looked at him incredulously. "What the hell is wrong with with you?"

Hook shrugged. "I just wanted to see how long it would take for her to notice it was gone."

Robin sighed, typing back a reply to Neal. "You're so immature. Three hundred years old, and you're still no better than Roland." He tossed the phone back on the counter. "You're getting the next one."

"But what if the next one's Ruby?" Hook hissed. "I can't! I'll do something stupid, like—like add an inappropriate smiley face or something!"

"Stop worrying so much," Robin said. "You're just—"

The phone buzzed again. Robin and Hook slowly lowered their gaze to the phone rattling insistently against the counter.

"Go on," Robin said quietly. Hook shook his head.

"I can't."

"You can. Now pick it up before Ruby finds another boyfriend."

Hook took a deep breath, and slowly reached out his hand, grasping the phone tightly. He unwrapped his fingers, peeking at the flashing NEW TEXT MESSAGE alert. Swallowing, he slid his thumb across the screen, opening it. His heart nearly stopped when he caught sight of Ruby's name.

Not bad. What's up?

"Help me," he said immediately, shoving the phone into Robin's hands. Robin juggled it, startled.

"What? What is it?" He held up the phone, squinting to read the text. "Well, that's not bad. What's the problem?"

"I don't know how to answer!" Hook said wildly.

"Just…" Robin frowned, twitching his mouth to the side. "Okay, I got it." He started typing, ignoring Hook standing on his tiptoes, lifting his chin to read the screen upside down.

"What did you put? What are you writing? Robin? Robin, don't—NO!"

"It's fine!" Robin insisted, jerking away as Hook reached for the phone. "All I put was, 'I heard you were working at the diner again—my condolences.' See, it even sounds like you, it's fine!"

"Don't—you—ever—do that!" Hook said through gritted teeth, still fighting past Robin's hands.

"I'm—helping—you—"

They froze as the phone buzzed again, theirs arms still tangled as they stared at Robin's hand holding the phone.

"Read it," Hook whispered.

Robin slid his arms out of Hook's grip, turning away to read it. "'Lol, thanks. You should come by later'!" he read out triumphantly, whirling around. "I told you!"

Hook's eyes widened. "Oh, my God. Now what, now what?"

"Now—" Robin grinned, walking over to lean back against the counter—"now we get to the good part. Take a seat, lad. You're about to see some epic text-flirting."

Who's excited to see Red Hook again? And everyone who loved the Swanfire last chapter, fear not! There will be PLENTY of Swanfire to come! (i love those crazy kids)