The Story of the Totes Kind. Part I
It was a cold February night. The wind howled terribly and shook the window frames. Elenora sat by the window and reflected on the latest developments. She was in the last month of pregnancy and was about to give birth. But she did not want this child at all. Firstly, she was too young to want a child, and secondly, she guessed that Klaus - the father of the child - was cheating on her, and not even with a woman, but with a man. This was the most offensive. How could he exchange her, Eleanor, a well-bred girl from a decent family, for some man, and not even for a decent person, but for some lousy fagot! She felt that cheating with a man, Klaus cheated not only on her, he cheated on the entire female gender, sacred family traditions, country, religion, God. She could never forgive that. Before her eyes, like a fast-motion shot, she could see green well-groomed lawns, happy children with golden curls and lace collars running around, solemn services in St. Bartholomew s Cathedral, a golden-crusted Christmas goose, a ski resort in the Alps, reindeer sweaters, a Bosch washing machine. All this was lost forever. Everything went to hell! What will she say to her parents! Relatives! Decent people, finally!
Oh, how angry she was with him! She was ready to kill him, or, no, better to kill herself. Best to throw herself under a train like that crazy Russian Anna Karenina. Let there be a lot of blood, let the remains be scattered on the railway tracks, but she would kill herself and her, no, his child. Oh, my God, who needs this baby! Damn him! Tears rolled down her cheeks and She bit her lower lip until it bled. The heat rose to her head. But no, Elenor had grown up in a Catholic family and knew that suicide was a great sin. She would never do that. It was only a momentary impulse. Although, who knows, if she had been standing on the platform then, maybe she really did. But now the impulse was gone, and the cold, rational consciousness began to return to her. She will give birth to this unhappy child. And let it be a reproach to his worthless father. For the rest of his life, this child will atone for the sins of his scampish dad. She would call her Anna (Eleanor for some reason was sure that a girl would be born) after this crazy Russian. She knew that her husband had Russian origin. And that angered her even more. Can there be anything good from these Russians? They are all atheists or madmen, which is the same thing. Elenor rose from her chair, walked across the dim room, took out a napkin and dabbed at the blood on her lower lip.
Suddenly there was a sharp sound a door slammed, Klaus returned from a night party. "Honey, I want to talk to you..." he said with the intonation of a not-quite-sober man. Eleanor's old anger had taken hold of her with a new force, she could not breathe, her eyes had darkened, and she could not remember anything further. When she awoke, she found herself in a hospital bed in a bright, spacious room, it was very cold and she was shivering. An elderly nurse brought a small, screaming bundle. It was her, no, his child, a boy. She turned her face away to the wall because she didn't want to see him. "I wish he was dead," thought Eleanor, and said nothing. The child was taken away. So Arney was born.
It was a child with the appearance of a Christmas cherub: light brown curls that faded in the sun to wheat-gold, expressive dark gray eyes that changed from asphalt to violet color depending on the light, and contrasted favorably with the milky white porcelain-transparent skin with pale blue veins, a round face with tiny dimples on the cheeks, a small round chin with a small indentation, a neat little upturned nose and puffy pale pink lips. There was only one non-canonical pagan trait in his completely canonical appearance small pointed elven ears, which gave this creature a mysterious, almost alien appearance. All the frau and madhen were in ecstasy at the sight of this wonderful creature of unearthly beauty, and immediately began to squeeze and pinch his all the soft places, but Arney did not like it, and he fiercely resisted, fighting off with graceful arms and legs the intrusive encroachments of the impudent women, than soon spoiled his reputation.
Moreover, he was a sickly and strange child. He started walking and talking late, didn t play with other children and spent all his time alone, inventing strange games that only he could understand, he painted strange pictures that depicted death scenes. Arney's only friend was a teddy bear with frayed dark brown hair and black button eyes. Arney loved him very much and dragged him everywhere, they were almost inseparable, since Arney cried loudly whenever the bear was tried to be taken from him.
Adults could not understand what was going on in the head of this little cherub-beast and advised parents to show him to a doctor. The parents paid no attention to him. The father lived with his new friend and rarely visited his former family. In Arney's mind, he existed only nominally. The mother was too busy with her emotional problems and failed attempts to arrange her personal life, and the unwanted child only irritated her. Depending on her mood, she either ignored him or beat him mercilessly for the slightest offense. She didn't understand why Arney was acting this way or other, but neither did he.
Arney had a vague idea that he was different from the other children, but he didn't know what it was. Why doesn't he like playing with boys? Why were they so rude and cruel to him? All the time they somehow tried to hurt, push or hit him, but Arney did not want to answer the same way and simply stepped aside. He didn't understand why he had to fight for his place in the sun, why he couldn't just be, harm no one, humiliate no one, and oppress no one. The girls didn't take him into their games either. He was too strange and incomprehensible for them. When he approached them with hope of getting some attention, they immediately fell silent and pretended not to notice him.
Only with one girl did he play, as strange and unsociable as he was. This girl was not like everyone else: she was too fat and tall, much larger than her peers and almost twice the size of the miniature Arney, and she had a strong lisp. The girl's name was Bertha. Children laughed at her, called her "lisping", "fat", "cow", "sausage". She sat quietly in her needle and played with her only old doll, not daring to claim any friendship. Only Arney looked at her sympathetically, because he saw her as an outsider as he was. He was the first to approach Bertha and offer to play together, and although his games were strange and he played mostly only with his teddy bear, the girl was very happy, her eyes lit up with sincere gratitude, and she was happy to offer him everything she had an old doll named Elsa. The doll had a rather deplorable appearance: its yellow hair the color of urine was disheveled and looked like tow, one eye was broken, and the faded dress was an indeterminate marsh-green. The doll had a talking mechanism built into it, and the only word that was recorded on it "mommy" was pronounced in such a horrible, raspy voice that Arnie shuddered with disgust. He immediately offered to bury Elsa out of compassion, of course, because existence with such appearance and such a voice is a continuous torment not only for herself, but also for others. Bertha at first resisted this, but then, in gratitude to this strange boy, she finally agreed, and the procedure was successfully performed. Arney personally performed the funeral march with a tin can and his voice, which was also angelically charming. Fortunately, the doll did not suffer much: it lay safely in the ground, wrapped in an improvised shroud of polyethylene, in a makeshift coffin made of cardboard for exactly three days, after which it was extracted and lived a long life. However, something had happened to the talking mechanism, and the doll didn't talk anymore.
Since then Arney and Berthe have spent long happy hours together. Once, in a burst of gratitude, Berthe wrapped Arney s skinny shoulders with her big plump arms, clutching the stunned Arney tightly to her broad chest so that his breath caught, and kissed tenderly his lily cheek. A strange couple immediately appeared in the spotlight. The children surrounded them and began to laugh loudly, calling them "bride and groom", which in children's environment is a curse terribly indecent. Arney was embarrassed, but he didn't show it, because he was used to being unfriendly and knew that a sincere expression of emotion would not bring him relief. However, from that moment on, Arney's position worsened. He was only despised and ignored before, and now he was openly mocked. Everyone felt it their duty to express their hatred towards Arney in some way: to say an hurtful word to him, to trip him up, to hit him, to push him, to knock over a glass of juice on him, to spit on his plate.
It was especially painful to accept from Otto the most handsome and strong boy in the group, who was the ringleader in all games Arney did not dare to speak openly to him, but glanced furtively at him, watching the animal grace of the young body, in his movements there was something wild, violent, primeval, like nature itself. When Otto accidentally touched Arney, there was no malice in his mind, he did not think that he was doing something wrong. Otto simply believed that everyone should be able to stand up for themselves, and if someone could not do it, then it was the fault of the suffering side, not the attacker.
At night Arney lay in his little bed, hugging his battered Teddy boy, and could not sleep for a long time. "So who am I?" he thought. "There are boys and girls. They dress differently, play different games, they don't often befriend each other. But no one befriends me. Why? Am I a boy or a girl?" Arney already understood the difference between the sexes and knew that he was anatomically closer to boys, but at the same time this didn't correlate with his psychological perception of gender. He knew that he was a stranger among the boys, that he could not belong to their circle, that they would never accept him into their company. He was different from them in some way, but he could not understand the difference. In his heart, he felt more like a girl: he liked the pink color, ribbons, bows, puffy dresses, he secretly spied on how mom uses makeup, going on another date. He felt that there was some mystery in this, the magic of transformation, when an ordinary girl or woman suddenly turns into a fabulous fairy or a dangerous demoness. He was attracted by this changeability, the play of images that contrasted so much with the routine of the ordinary life. It's so boring to be the same always, and not be able to escape into the world of your dreams. He fantasized, of course, profusely, but not at all as ordinary boys fantasize, imagining themselves as heroes and supermen, saving the world from catastrophes of universal scale. His fantasies were more refined. He imagined himself as an unbelievable beautiful, wonderful creature, spreading magic and wizardry everywhere, transforming world and people with a glance, a word, a touch, but at the same time inexpressibly sad, captured by some evil demon or monster, calling for help. And this handsome boy Otto always came to the rescue.
One Sunny summer day, the children were playing in the kindergarten yard. Arney wandered around the playground alone, feeling sad. After the strong embrace of the loving Bertha, with whom he was accustomed to pass the hours, he was afraid to approach her. All that was left for him to wander alone in the farthest corner of the garden among the stunted bushes, so as not to attract the attention of his detractors. Suddenly Arney noticed that some unfamiliar boy was running toward him, and a cry of some crazy unbridled joy of existence came from his throat, his tanned skin shining in the sun, contrasting with the white t-shirt and blue shorts. As the boy ran closer, Arnie noticed that he was incredibly beautiful with golden-brown hair, radiant light-brown eyes, and golden freckles all over his face. The boy ran straight into Arney and knocked him into the bushes, he began to inflict light blows to him on the right and left, but Arney did not react in any way. He was just froze. It was so new and unusual for him. Their bodies touching, each other, Arnie felt the confused breath of an unfamiliar boy, his smell and warmth. Arnie felt dizzy. A wave of happiness suddenly swept through his small, quivering body, concentrating on the groin. This feeling was so strong that Arney was afraid to lose his consciousness. At last the boy spoke: "Why don't you defend yourself? I knocked you down, I beat you. I defeated you. Now you are my slave." The boy's lips blurred into a wide and quite kindly smile. "But if you want, we'll just be friends," he added. Arney didn't say anything, he just prayed that the feeling wouldn't let him go, and clung tighter to the boy's body, wrapping his arms around him. Oddly enough, the boy didn't pull away, he didn't run away, and it seemed that he was stunned too.
So they lay together under the blazing sun in blissful semi-oblivion for some time, seeing nothing at all around them, not noticing that old Frau Gertrude heated in the sun hobbled towards them on her arthritic legs. What she saw was completely incomprehensible to her catholic-bred mind, and therefore caused a mixed feeling of fear and anger: two little boys were lying on the grass, clinging tightly to each other. What did it mean? They didn't play or fight each other. They just lied on the grass and rubbed against each other. Oh, my God! A bad feeling came over her. "Get up immediately! "Oh!" she screamed in a shrill, hysterical voice. The boys turned reluctantly on her and slowly rose from the grass. Their hair was disheveled, their faces red and hot. But what struck frau Gertrude the most was the small hump under one boys' shorts. Frau Gertrude's eyes darkened and she swayed and sank slowly to the grass. Panic arose, everyone fussed, finally someone brought ammonia and a wet towel, and, finally, frau Gertrude came to her senses, but that day she did not appear at work, another younger teacher came in her place. Frau Elenor was urgently called from work and had a long conversation in the head office.
Since then Arney no longer went to kindergarten and did not see this boy. Everything had changed in Arney's life. His mother beat him badly after this incident and locked him in the room. She said that Arney had taken after his father, and that such people should be isolated from society, and that it would be better for him not to be born. Arney didn't know what was going on, he was scared. He thought his mother had locked him in the room for the rest of his life. Suddenly he felt so empty inside that he wanted to die. It's awful to spend your entire life on this small square of space nothing to see, nothing to do, nobody to talk to. He felt so helpless, so worthless, so wretched that he didn't even want to move. After an hour of motionless sitting it suddenly seemed to him that all people had died, and he was alone in this world, no one would come for him. He is doomed to a slow, painful death from thirst and hunger. Fortunately there was his favorite chocolate bar on the table, which his mother didn't notice and didn't take away from him. It might help him hold out for a while. He might have to drink his own urine. Oh my God! He was scared of dying! But he longed for death, and at the same time this thought frightened him. Hideous images of decay and death passed before his mind's eye. It suddenly seemed to him that he was deep underground in a crypt next to decaying bodies, and he was just like them. He felt his flesh die off part by part, piece by piece, cell by cell. He does not feel the tips of his toes, he does not feel the tips of his fingers, the tip of his nose. Starting from the periphery the decomposition gradually approached the heart. And now he felt nothing. He was dead. It was strange that he was so clearly aware of this. Does consciousness depend on the body, doesn't it? Is consciousness immortal? It is so terrible to be dead and still alive, to feel the decay of your own body, to feel your own deadness. Consciousness of this is unbearable. How painful is this disembodied pain of consciousness! It would be better not to be aware! It would be better not to be born at all! Mom was right.
It is not known how much time Arney spent locked in the room, because it seemed to Arney that time had stopped. But suddenly he heard the sound of a key turning in the door. This did not please him at all, because he had long since lost all hope, and his future fate was indifferent to him. Perhaps it was the people who came to bury him. But the mother entered the room, cruel and adamant as always, tall and slender, always impeccably dressed and fit. Her beautiful face showed no emotion, her carefully made-up pursed lips didn't flinch, only her gray eyes glittered with a cold, steely gleam. "Arney, come with me," she finally said. Arney timidly got up, Eleanor took his thin shoulders in her cold, strong hands and led him out of the room. She told him to get into a black Volkswagen and set behind the wheel. Arney didn't know where they were going, so he was scared. He really wanted to piss, but he couldn't say that, he was so scared.
The Volkswagen stopped at a tall gray building and they got out. Elenor held Arney's hand tightly. They entered the building and headed down a long, narrow, gray, dimly lit corridor. The booming footsteps echoed through the high vaults of the building and rang in Arney's ears. It seemed to him that this corridor would never end. At last they entered an office. He was ordered to undress. He obeyed. The cold tile made his body shudder instinctively. The man in white examined him carefully. He said something in a language Arney didn't understand to the woman standing next to him, also dressed in white. She gave him a light gray pajamas and told him to get dressed, then they went out into the corridor where the gurney was. The woman helped Arney up. So he lay there for a while, feeling the cold, slippery oilcloth beneath him, wondering what they were going to do to him. Perhaps they want to subject him to some new unknown punishment? To injure? To kill? He did not dare even to ask about it. Finally, the pressure in his bladder became unbearable, and he told the woman that he wanted to piss. She left and after a while brought a small, not very clean glass bottle. The woman told him to piss into this. Due to embarrassment and fear, he could not get into the narrow neck of the bottle, so most of the urine spilled on the floor. Arney was terribly embarrassed and thought he would be punished. But the woman left without a word. In her place came another, who seemed younger and more affable. A bee will bite you now, she said with a playful intonation in her voice and told him to turn over on his tummy, in one motion she pulled down his pants and deftly stuck the needle in the left buttock. Arney felt a slight pain. He felt dizzy. The gurney rolled down the hall.
At last he was brought into a large, bright room lined with white tiles. After the dimness of the corridor the bright light stung Arney's eyes. There was an operating table in the room, glass cabinets and some devices, purpose of which Arney didn't know. Everything was made of glass and steel. There was a sharp smell of medicine. They put Arney on the table and brought the plastic mask to his face. He could not breathe, and tried to free himself from the mask, but was not allowed to do so. Arney began to sink into the darkness. Soon he saw his body lying helplessly below, limp and useless. Some people in white were fussing over him. Arney felt compassion for the helpless boy: "Run! Get up and run! What the hell are you waiting for?! Get out of there!" he shouted, but the boy below did not hear him and did not react at all, then compassion gave way to contempt: "Stupid idiot! Why don't you try to run away? If you don't want to do this now, then you don't deserve anything better." The disembodied spirit was about to fly away, but suddenly there was a click, and Arney was back down on the table. He opened his eyes and saw the same people in white above him. He wanted to run away, but his body did not obey him. Arney wept softly in despair, helplessness, and pain.
Thus Arney had died, and Anna and Varney were born.