One day, passing a night club, he heard music that seemed familiar to him, he decided to go in there to kill time he had with an excess now. It was a dark smoky room with a lot of drunk, dirty teenagers dressed in black. They didn't pay attention to Arney, so Arney felt quite comfortable. An unknown deathrock band was playing on a stage, an unintelligible noise was conveyed from amplifiers. Arney sat on the greasy sofa in the dark corner and closed his eyes. He was so tired that he could fall asleep even in such unfit setting. No one bothered him, that suited him well, so he stayed until closing time and then went home. He preferred to go home when everyone was asleep.
Arney entered through the back door that led to the kitchen. The house was quiet and dark. He tiptoed over to the frige. was so hungry that it was felt like pain. Arney began to stuff himself with everything: pork sausage, potato salad, pasta, kefir, mayonnaise, until he was sick. He lost the habit of eating normally. Footsteps sounded from above. Arney crouched against the wall and froze in anticipation. The sound of footsteps rose and fell until disappeared. Arney wondered if it would be safe to sneak into his room to change clothes and lay down in a soft bed. After waiting for a while he went upstairs, pulled off his dirty rags, stretched out on the bed and tried to relax. He could not sleep, for he was afraid of being found there. Suddenly a child cried behind the wall, there were footsteps, rustles, voices. It was unbearable. It's better to sleep in a smoky noisy club than in a house where you are hated. It seemed that he felt this hatred with his skin, approaching the very heart and depriving him of his strength. Finally Arney could not stand it anymore, he got up, put on clean clothes and went to the door.
He didn't go to school now, because he was ashamed of his appearance. He began to look for work, but employers didn't want to take a strange teenager even to the dirtiest unskilled work. Arney felt like a cornered animal in this situation, he was in dire need of support, but he could not turn to anyone, since he had no friends, and there was no one he could trust.
He began to visit the club more and more often, and they began to recognize him there. Gradually he began to join the crowd, adopt their manners, slang, style. He was even given a new name Svenny. Once he complained to a friend that he was tormented by music in his head, that he didn't have opportunity to record. And the friend said he knew a guy who could help him. He promised to talk to him and arrange a meeting. Arney agreed.
The meeting took place on a cold autumn night in the Negative club. His name was Holger. They stared at each other for a long time, not daring to speak, as if studying. Arney thought that Holger was too young, too self-confident, too skinny and short, that didn't gave Arney feeling of reliable shoulder, but he had no choice but to trust him. Holger thought that Arney was too neglected, he had a lot of work to do, but he could be made into a candy. The club was smoky and hot, and the music was playing too loudly, so it was almost impossible to talk.
So they had to go outside. They stood next to the women's restroom, waiting for the concert to end, so they could talk in a more favorable atmosphere. It was very cold outside. Arney was trembling and couldn't get a word out of his mouth. Holger, on the contrary, looked relaxed, and even seemed not to be interested in this meeting at all. He took a pack of cigarettes - "Angst und Schmerz" printed - from the pocket of his long black overcoat and lit the cigarette. He didn't offer a cigarette to Arney, he didn't even look in his direction. Arney thought, "This little man thinks too much of himself!"
Finally, when Arney was completely frozen in his light coat, desperately trying to warm his frozen fingers with his own breath, the concert ended. Now they were able to go inside, and Holger led Arney behind the stage to a dark secluded spot. There, without a word, he pressed Arney against the wall and kissed his lips sensually. Arney was just stunned by this turn, he even had an erection. Meanwhile Holger turned abruptly and, as if nothing had happened, began the conversation: "Ulrich told me that you want to write music? Is that so?" "Yes", said Arney. "What kind of music are you going to write?" "I don't know. I hear music in my head all the time, as if someone is whispering it to me. Sometimes it's quite painful, because I can't express it, and I feel like I have to do this, as if it were my mission. Would you like to help me?"
"Yes, I know this stuff. You can rely on me", Holger said pointedly. "Where do you live?" "I live nowhere". "How is that?" "I'm at odds with my parents." "Nothing wrong. Me too. We will rent an apartment." "I don't have money". "Don't worry. I'll manage everything. And now I have to go. Bye, baby! See you later!" Finally Holger looked at Arney's eyes, Holger's eyes were cornflower blue, and they were smiling. Then Arney was left alone. He couldn't let go of his impression. He couldn't believe this was happening to him, that someone had paid attention to him, that he might be of interest to someone and evoke sympathy, not disgust. He thought, "Holger is not so bad. It doesn't matter that he's self-confident. Perhaps he has a reason. No matter he is skinny and short. Holger is terribly cute! I like him more and more." Arney was looking forward to the next meeting and kept replaying yesterday's conversation in his head. This moment has come. Holger came to the club, and Arney found him even more likable, affable and sweet. Holger ordered a cocktail for himself and Arney and chatted about nothing. A strand of hair hid one side of his face, a blue laughing eye stared at Arney. Arney was overjoyed. He noticed that a lot of people approached Holger: everyone wanted to talk to him, he was incredibly charismatic and popular. Finally Holger said, "Let's go and see the apartment".
It was a small but comfortable apartment with a tiny room and a kitchen. There wasn't much furniture, but there was a huge gorgeous mouse-grey sofa in the middle of the room. "Do you like it?" Holger asked. "Of course! Arney replied. "You'll be good, kid! I'll visit you. I m waiting for songs from you". Arney wanted Holger to stay with him, hug him, kiss him as he had when they first met, but Holger was in a hurry again, and only gave him a careless kiss on the cheek. Arney felt sad, lying on the huge sofa, thinking of Holger, masturbating. He hated this occupation because it reminded him of his loneliness, but at the same time he couldn't shake the habit. The next day Holger said right from the doorway: "That won't do! Look at yourself! What a scarecrow you are? Do you ever wash yourself? What the hell are you wearing? Take it off and throw it in the dumpster or rather burn it, probably insects live there. I'll take care of you from now on. Here are your new clothes". Holger threw a black bag on the floor. Arney wanted to see what was inside, but Holger stopped him: "Don't touch it! First go to the shower and scrape off all the dirt". Arney obediently went to the shower. Holger paced the room, trying to shout down the running water: "Don't be sad, Svenny! Everything will be fine! I'll make a candy of you! You'll be a star! We'll make a mark! We'll be famous!" Finally Arney came out of the shower, wrapped in a white bath-towel, pink and shining with cleanliness. Holger looked at him appraisingly. "Now you can get dressed". Arney picked up a bag of clothes, there was something black, oversized, undefined in shape. Arney didn't even know how to wear it. He turned it over in his hands and threw it on the sofa. "What is this? an I wear these?" "Certainly, it's a fashion thing". "I don't know how to wear this". "I'll help you". Holger came close to Arney, he smelt of subtle perfume and expensive cigarettes. Arney's heart was racing. Holger took the thing he had slim, delicate hands - and helped Arney put his head through the hole. When Arney was dressed, he saw that it was some kind of huge shapeless robe. Holger took two steps away from Arney and gave him another look. "I have to go now", Holger smiled. Before leaving, he gave Arney the book "Varney the vampire, or The feast of blood of blood". "Read this!" he said.
But there was something missing in the image of Arney-Varney. Holger insisted on Arney get piercings in his nose and ears. He personally undertook the operation. Holger assured Arney in his proficiency. He made Arney lay down on the sofa, pulled on white latex gloves and orded not to move with an important air. A bee will bite you now", Holger said in a jocular tone, holding the needle up to Arney's face. These words had an effect of electrical discharge on Arney, he sharply darted to the side. "I didn't know you were so nervous. If you twitch I'll pierce your eye", Holger said sternly. Arney calmed down by an effort of will and trusted the master's practiced hands. There was a little pain and two neat piercings were ready. Holger was really a professional. The same piercings were made in the ears, and small silver rings were inserted into them. A week later, when the redness was gone, thin silver chains were threaded through the rings, extending from the nostrils to the earlobes. To complete the image, it remained only to shave the forehead and do gothic make-up. Holger was happy with the result. "Now you are Varney!" he said. Having achieved the desired result, Holger started taking his newly-baptized friend to different parties. He liked Varney's melancholy femininity, and brought him women's ajour stockings that suited Varney's slender legs very well, he asked him to wear them whenever they were together. At all the parties Holger called Varney his girlfriend, put his arm around his waist and patted his ass defiantly. Sometimes he kissed Varney passionately in front of a stunned audience. Some laughed at the weird couple, but there were those who sincerely admired them. Holger enjoyed it. It didn't even bother him that the ordinary people cast sidelong glances at them and called them "freaks". Holger was bathed in glory.
But when Holger and Varney were alone, Holger was completely cold to Varney, and Varney was very upset about it. He didn t want publicity, he wanted warmth and affection, but every time after another party Holger left Varney alone, without giving him even the most innocent kiss. Varney knew that Holger had a girlfriend, Holger wasn t even bisexual, he just liked an aura of homosexuality around him, because it attracted attention. But it was a cruel game for Varney, because he loved Holger. Varney suffered greatly from the burning desire inside him, and at nights he could not sleep for a long time and rushed around the empty apartment, not finding a place for himself. He had no choice but to write poetry:
Tongue of silence, lick my lips, steal my thoughts, steal my pride. My soul lies offered as I'm waiting, intoxicate me when you step inside
- Sopor Aeternus, Tanz Der Grausamkeit (Dance of cruelty)
Varney pondered painfully for a long time what was happening between him and Holger: "Why doesn't Holger want to stay with him? Why can't Holger love him? What's wrong with Varney? Is it all about this little anatomical feature, this ugly appendage between his legs? He would willingly get rid of it if he knew that it would bring him love of Holger. But is it really all about having the right hole in the right place? Is it because of this defect he is doomed to eternal loneliness? How life is cruel and unfair to him! How stupid and unfair Holger is! He doesn't know that no one will ever love him like Varney, and no right holes can give him that love. After all if it's only about holes, then any of them will do for fun. But love requires something more".
In between hangouts and love torments Varney and Holger were recording their first and last trilogy "Blut der schwarzen rose" ("Blood of the black rose"), inspired by themes of vampirism and self-destruction. For this purpose Holger brought Varney to the apartment of his friend, who had a synthesizer and recording equipment, and they started working, or rather Varney started, because Holger's contribution to the music consisted mainly in giving useless advice. Varney had a hard time, because up to this point the process of recording music was completely unfamiliar to him. The sound of the synthesizer didn t correspond to his inner hearing, and he had to be content with what he had, trying to bring the real sound to the ideal as close as possible. The result only vaguely resembled the music he heard in his head. It was less than satisfactory, but better than nothing. The record was released in a limited edition of 200 copies. The cover featured the name of a new music project Sopor Aeternus & the Ensemble of Shadows.