"Neal and Emma are moving in together and no one's supposed to know about it!"

Tink stared at Belle across the kitchen table, lowering her still-full fork. "Come again?"

"Neal and Emma are moving in together and no one's supposed to know about it!" Belle repeated at top-speed.

Tink blinked at her a few times. "They're…" She slammed her hands down on the table, making the cups and plates rattled. "They're moving in together?"

"And no one's supposed to know about it!" Belle said breathlessly. Tink swore violently, wrenching herself away from the table.

"Goddamn it! God-fucking-damn it! Why the—GODDAMN IT!"

"Tink—" Belle stood up from the table, coming over to put a calming hand on her shoulder. "Shut up, okay? You're going to wake everyone up."

"Too late for that," Hook grumbled, pushing open the kitchen door; Ruby followed blearily in his wake, yawning into her hand. "Bloody hell, you two, what are you shouting about at this hour of the day?"

Tink opened her mouth furiously, but Belle quickly clamped her hand over it. "You can't tell him I told you!" she hissed in her ear. "Or he's never going to tell me anything again!"

Tink glowered, but gave her a reluctant nod, allowing Belle to lower her hand safely. Hook seemed not to notice, peering into the coffee pot as if hoping he could simply make it appear.

"You ready to go back yet?" he asked Ruby, frowning at the pot and shaking it upside down. "Someone remind me how to make coffee, I can't figure these bloody things out."

"Here," Ruby sighed, taking it from him. "I'll show you again."

Hook stood back as she filled it with water, nearly treading on Tink's toes. "Well, get out of the way, then!" he snapped as Tink hissed at him. "Midget."

"Transvestite."

"Hobbit."

"Slut."

"Hey!" Hook said severely "That's both of us!"

"Are you going back to Granny's?" Belle asked Ruby, stepping out if the way as Hook and Tink struggled against each other, trying to trod on the other's toes. Ruby looked over her shoulder at Belle, before going back to scooping out coffee.

"Guess I'll have to," she said wearily. "Don't have anywhere else to go. Snow's is too crowded, and Neal's not even moved in yet."

Belle nodded slowly. "So… what exactly—shut up, you two—what exactly happened last night that you had to leave?"

Ruby sighed, flipping the switch to start the percolator, and leaned against the counter. "We were in my room, going through all the stuff I got for everyone on Black Friday—"

Belle made air-quotes, raising an eyebrow questioningly; Ruby shook her head.

"We were literally going through Christmas presents, I swear. But of course, Granny just assumes…" Ruby glowered at the wall, making a noise like an angry cat. "Like it's any of her business, either way. I mean, I pay rent like any other tenant, it's not like she'd just barge into any of their rooms. But she thinks that she can do whatever she wants, if it's me. She thinks she has the right to completely control me, and I—I can't stomach it anymore."

Belle frowned, squirming against her growing sympathy for Ruby. "Sounds like my dad," she said grudgingly. "He wanted to control everything I thought or did, tried to keep me from Rumple, tried to literally wipe my memory out…"

"Oh, yeah, I remember that."

Belle looked at the ground awkwardly. "So I—I get it, you know? It sucks. And, uh—" she shook her head, hardly believing it as the words came out of her mouth—"this is going to sound weird, but if you need a place to stay, there's an apartment above the library that I don't use anymore."

Ruby's eyes widened. "You mean…?"

Belle nodded, avoiding her gaze as much as she could.

"Oh, my God—Belle, thank you so much, I can't even begin to—"

"Yeah, whatever," she said, waving a dismissive hand. "Don't make a big thing of it, I still hate you, okay?"

Ruby nodded, positively beaming at her.

"All right," Belle sighed, and jutted her head toward Hook. "Go on, go celebrate."

Ruby let out a shriek of delight and ran over to Hook, throwing her arms around his neck.

"Whoa—!" Hook looked startled, taking a step back to balance them. "What? What is it?"

"Belle said I could have her library apartment!" Ruby squealed. "I don't have to go back to Granny's!"

"She did?" Hook raised an eyebrow at Belle over Ruby's shoulder. "Really?"

"It's Christmas," Belle said vaguely, waving her hand. "Peace and good will, all that bullshit."

"Thank you so much for being friends with her!" Ruby started pressing kisses all over Hook's face. "Thank you—thank you—thank you—"

The door swung open, and Rumple shuffled in, still in his bathrobe and slippers.

"Morning, Belle," he said sleepily, barely glancing at the others as he went over to the table and pulled a chair out."Morning, Tink. Morning, Ruby. Hook, I was hoping you'd died during the night, but nice to see you up and about."

Rumple had been surprisingly accepting of them staying the night. On his way down for his midnight cereal, he'd found Hook and Ruby sitting across from Belle with their cups of tea. At first, Belle had been afraid he'd throw them out, but he only made a comment vaguely alluding to STD's Hook might have contracted before taking a seat beside him to watch Sixty Minutes and eat his Shredded Wheat.

"You want some coffee, Rumple?" Belle asked, grimacing as Ruby's gratitude got a little too enthusiastic. "Or some antacid for nausea?"

"I'll take some coffee," he yawned, flipping out his newspaper. "And Ruby, dearie, do be careful—you don't know where he's been."

"I can tell you where he's been—"

"Thank you, Tink!" Belle said loudly. "Here, have some coffee, okay?"

Tink shrugged, walking around Hook and Ruby to the seat across from Rumple. She blew out a breath, drumming her hands on the table; Rumple glanced up awkwardly, and offered Tink an uncomfortable smile.

"How are you?" he asked politely.

"I'll tell you how I am, guy. I'm jonesing for some of that Neal-Cassidy-action Emma's getting."

Rumple choked on his coffee, sputtering it out all over his newspaper. Tink looked on dully as he pounded on his chest and coughed violently.

"Sorry," she said, not sounding sorry at all.

"Why do you always do that to me?" Rumple cried, holding his chest. "What's the matter with you?"

"Nothing," Tink muttered darkly, her eyes flickering toward Belle. "Nothing at all." She picked up the fork from her now-cold plate of food, and started stabbing at the eggs. "These are disgusting," she declared abruptly, and tossed the fork down. "I'm going to Granny's."

"Wait—what?" Belle blinked as Tink stood up from the table and yanked her coat off the rack. "Tink?"

"Granny's!"

Hook broke apart from Ruby, looking over his shoulder as Tink disappeared through the door. "Granny's?" he repeated, somewhat vacantly. "Hang on—Ruby, don't you have to go to work?"

Ruby shrugged. "I'm taking a day off."

"Okay, but—" Hook pulled away from her, bracing his hand on her shoulder. "Ruby, you can't just skip work. Your gran's already livid, she's going to bloody fire you—"

"I'm sick." Ruby faked a cough into her fist, then looked up with a smile. "And if I remember correctly, you sometimes go by 'Dr. Jones'—"

"Oh, Good God in Heaven!" Rumple shouted, covering his ears. "It's not even nine in the morning, and I already feel like my mind's been raped a million times over!"

"Don't slam against my walls!" Belle hollered as Ruby pulled Hook out the door. "And if you break anything, you buy it!"

Tink slammed the door behind her, nearly shattering the little bell. She stopped for a minute, squinting across the room: Regina was sitting in of the back booths, Robin on her left.

Tink strode over, and crammed herself into the booth, ignoring the surprised gasps of the two women she'd shoved into. "Well, my life sucks," she said without preamble.

"Who is this curious little creature?" the woman in furs asked, staring wonderingly at Tink.

"Uh, Cruella—Ursula—" Regina cleared her throat and nodded at Tink. "This is Tink. Tink, this is Cruella and Ursula."

"Yes, we were just getting to know Regina's charming little person, Robin," Cruella said, flourishing a hand at him. "He really is a darling, don't you think?"

"Oh, you—" Robin smiled bashfully, batting his hand. "Cruella, darling, you're going to make me blush."

"You're already blushing, darling!"

"Okay, darlings," Tink said loudly before Robin could respond. "Regina, I got troubles."

"Tink, I'm kind of in the middle of something," Regina muttered through clenched teeth, moving her eyes meaningfully between Cruella and Ursula. "Maybe you want to come back later?"

"Neal's moving in with Emma." Tink said abruptly (Robin gasped and slopped coffee all over himself). "Any chance you can curse that bitch?"

"Oh, I like her," Ursula said with a sly smile. "What did you say your name was, honey?"

"It's Tink, and my life sucks. Nice to meet you."

"Charmed," Cruelle said, extending an elegant hand. "And who's Neal? The name is familiar, though I have no recollection of the poor bastard."

"He's only the goddamn sexiest man in the universe, that's who he is," Tink scoffed.

"Hmm," Cruella smiled blandly. "I'll take your word for it."

"He's the scruffy guy who helped us with the suitcases, right?" Ursula frowned. "Always looks like he just rolled out of bed?"

"Wouldn't mind if he just rolled out of my bed," Tink said immediately, making Regina gag on the coffee she just drank.

"Tink!"

"Oh, him," Cruella said with dawning comprehension. She turned to Ursula, lowering her voice. "He's the one Lily mentioned, the boyfriend." She looked back at Tink, resting her chin intriguingly in her hand. "So, you don't care for this Emma girl, do you, darling?"

"No, I don't," Tink spat. "What does he see in that skinny bitch, anyway?"

"Haven't the foggiest," Cruella said delightedly. "Oh, Tink, darling, you really are a treasure!"

"Thanks."

"Ursula, don't you think she's just charming?"

"She's sassy," Ursula grinned. "I like that."

"And what a funny little thing!"

"Thanks."

"Regina, darling, wherever did you find her? She's absolutely fascinating!" Cruella looked at her as though she were some kind of china doll (albeit, one who walked and talked and spat out a string of curses and explicit jokes).

Robin was still gasping and sputtering in the background, which all four women ignored in favor of Tink's apparently fascinating account of the gossip.

"Neal told Hook, Hook told Belle, Belle told me, and no one's supposed to know," Tink said, inviting herself to Cruella's coffee. "I'll you what, Emma better watch out, because I'm going to put that little slut in the ground! Stealing Neal from me!"

"What steal?" Regina scoffed, flipping her hand open questioningly. "There was no stealing. You've never had him."

"And what a shame that is."

"Tink, I swear to God—!" Regina hissed. "I've already got morning sickness, I do not need your help!"

"Eww," Tink complained. "Gross, Regina's talking about her pregnancy again."

"Oh, darling, please," Cruella said, wrinkling her nose. "I'd rather not talk about unborn offspring, it's so tedious."

"Bad enough talking about born offspring," Ursula agreed. "People seemed to think the subject of their own children is as fascinating to the rest of us as it is to them—"

"—even though I can't think of a duller moment spent—"

"—other than talking to the child itself—"

"—that nauseating baby-speak—"

"—drives me nuts—"

"—as if I could be bothered what it's favorite color is—"

"—or how high they can jump—"

"—you don't see me bragging about high I can jump—"

"—inconsiderate little cretins—"

"—other than our darling Lily, of course—"

"—although, we missed the early years—"

"—just enjoyed the disgruntled teenage years—"

"—and now the bitter adult years!" Ursula finished, clinking her cup triumphantly against Cruella's.

Tink and Regina stared at them for a minute, blinking bewilderedly.

"Wow," Tink said finally. "That was weird."

"They do that a lot," Regina muttered. "Get used to it."

"It's weird," Tink repeated to them, leaning in confidentially. "But you two pull it off, so kudos to you-dos." She turned back to Regina abruptly, raising her eyebrows. "So, you want to curse Emma for me or what?"

"No, I'm not going to curse Emma," she said exasperatedly. "I already told you, you're going to have to get past it. They're happy—leave them alone."

"Okay, but plenty of 'happy guys' have a bit on the side," Tink insisted. "I could be that bit!"

"No. You couldn't."

"I could if you curse Emma. Then Neal will need a shoulder to cry on, and then he'll need—"

"I'm not going to let you finish that sentence," Regina said loudly, holding up a hand. "I don't want to see where your depraved little mind takes that. Tink, you've got to move on, okay? It's not going to happen."

"Never say never," Tink said staunchly. "Curse Emma."

"No."

"Please."

"No."

"But—"

"You know what you need, darling?" Cruella cut in swiftly, pointing a shrewd finger at her. Tink glanced at her, raising an eyebrow. "A distraction."

"I've got plenty of distractions on speed-dial, thanks," Tink said blandly. "I'm bored of them."

"Oh, you're incorrigible!" Cruella laughed, touching her shoulder. "What a precious little creature! Regina, she's a riot!"

"Thanks," she said flatly.

"Neal's moving in with Emma?"

They all four frowned, swiveling their heads toward Robin: he was still gaping with wide eyes, holding his chest and drawing in gasping breaths.

"Jesus, Robin, where you been?" Tink asked, annoyed. "That's all we've been talking about for the past fifteen minutes."

"I-I-I'm sorry, my mouth only just caught up with my brain—" Robin broke off, shaking his head in wonderment. "My God, this is unbelievable! I never thought—I mean, Neal of all people—how is this— I have to talk to Hook!" he said feverishly, rummaging frantically in his jacket for his phone. "I mean, this is huge!"

"He's not going to answer," Tink told him, taking a sip of Cruella's coffee. "Judging from what I heard on my way out of the house, Dr. Jones is on call."

Robin made a face. "Oh, God, not Dr. Jones," he complained as Regina shook her head, scoffing contemptuously. "Damn it, Tink, don't tell me things like this."

"You asked," she shrugged.

"Actually, I didn't, thanks," Robin said irritably, and turned his phone sideways to type on the keyboard. "I'll text him, then. He can answer me later—no, no, he will answer me later because we have to bloody talk about this. I mean, Neal! Moving in with Emma! Especially with how he was going on about it last week? And Hook! Hook, that little—!" He shook his head furiously. "He should have bloody told me! I can't believe I had to find this out from you!"

"Hey," Tink said, stung. "It's not my fault, don't yell at me."

"Is that why Ruby's not in today?" Regina asked disinterestedly, sipping her coffee. "Or did Granny finally fire her?"

"No way Ruby's getting fired before Tony," Robin snorted. "At least she's pretty, gets the guys to come in. Tony is one ugly bloke, let me tell you."

Tink sucked in a breath as Regina frowned deeply, slowly turning her head toward Robin; he seemed not to notice, typing rapidly into the phone.

"…call me back immediately," he murmured as he finished his text. "There! Now I've sent him scathing message, and—" he jumped at Regina's glare. "Good God, what is it?"

"You think she's pretty?" Regina demanded.

"What?"

"Ruby, you think she's pretty?"

"Oh, darling…" Cruella shook her head as Robin looked around helplessly. "I fear for you."

"Poor Robin," Ursula cooed. "I was really starting to like him."

"We'll need a new pet," Cruella sighed.

"They're so hard to come by, though…"

"Don't kill him, Regina, he's too adorable."

"I'm not going to kill him," Regina said, though she was glaring at him so dangerously, Robin was quivering. "Come on, Robin. Let's go for a walk."

"Around witnesses?" Robin asked hopefully, getting up on shaking legs to follow her out of the booth. "Regina?"

"Define 'witnesses'."

Robin gulped. "Pray for me, Tink," he said in a low voice, his hand brushing over her shoulder as he followed Regina out. Tink twisted around to watch them go and shook her head, letting out a low whistle.

"Idiot," she said, sliding into Regina's now-vacant booth. "You don't piss off a hormonal Regina, that's just common sense."

"He's a bit dim-witted," Cruella said fondly. "But endearingly so."

"It's kind of funny," Ursula smiled. "A little sad."

"Well, for him, not for us—"

"—not good news for Regina or the baby—"

"—it's a gamble, it either gets Regina's brains or his—"

"—one can only hope for the poor dear, it's Regina's…"

Tink closed her eyes, sinking back into her seat as they started finishing each other's sentences again. Goddamn it…was it going to be like this the whole morning?