"Ruby—Ruby, watch for the—!" his head crashed against the picture frame—"Bloody hell!"

"Oh, my God, are you okay?"

"It hurts…oh, it hurts."

"Do you want me to kiss it and make it better?"

"I don't think think you can kiss a concussion better, darling."

Ruby stood back, watching him with a worried expression as he rubbed the back of his head. "Sorry."

Hook sighed, lowering his hand even though the his head still rang with a dull ache. "You know, maybe we should take it easy until after wolfs-time has passed. I'm going to get seriously injured one of these days."

"I'm sorry," she repeated, following him as he went to sit on the bed. "Do you need some ice?"

"No, I'll be all right." He blinked a few times as little stars punctured his vision, vaguely wondering if he could make a wish on each of them and have it come true. He frowned as the thought crossed his mind. "Perhaps I won't."

There was a little ringing sound to the left; he cocked his head, trying to decide whether or not he was hallucinating the noise. "What is that horrible sound?"

"My phone," Ruby sighed, stretching across the bed to pick it up from the nightstand. She glanced at the screen, and rolled her eyes. "It's Granny," she said, tossing it back.

Hook made a noise like an angry cat. "Granny. What does that old hag want?"

"Probably to bitch at me about leaving." Ruby put on a falsetto voice. "Ruby Lucas, you get your skinny ass back here and be my slave, so I can pay you next to nothing and breathe down your neck for the rest of your life!"

"Are you going to let her figure it out on her own, that you're not going back? Or are you going to make a dramatic scene at the diner? I mean, a perfectly reasonable scene at the diner?" he amended hastily as Ruby glared at him.

"You mean, like the dramatic scene you make every time Ursula walks in?" she said acidly.

"Self-preservation is not a laughing matter, love. That woman will skin me alive, if she gets the chance." Hook lifted his chin, sniffing. "I should hope that would upset you."

"Of course it would," Ruby said absently, looking around as someone's phone buzzed. "Is that mine or yours?"

"Mine," Hook said, already taking his phone out of his jacket pocket. "Probably Robin."

"Robin?"

"He's taken to sending me a 'Happy Christmas' text every morning," Hook explained, rolling his eyes. "Idiot."

"Can I see?" Ruby smiled, leaning to look over his shoulder, but Hook jerked away, shielding the text from her eyes.

"It's nothing," he said quickly—too quickly. Ruby's eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"What are you hiding?" She reached for the phone, but Hook held it behind his back.

"Really, it's nothing, don't worry about it."

"Hook—"

"Hey, remember what I said about taking it easy? That was stupid, forget that, why don't we—Ruby!"

She'd snatched the phone from him, and stood up quickly, her frown deepening as she read the text. "'You wanker, why didn't you tell me about Neal and Emma moving in? Why didn't Neal tell me? Why do you two keep secrets from me? Call me back later, and happy fucking Christmas—' What is this?" she demanded, throwing the phone back at him.

"How did he find out?" Hook muttered to himself, fumbling to catch the phone. "He's probably got a bloody network of spies around the town, gossipy little prat that he is."

"'Neal and Emma moving in'— what is he talking about? What's—?" Ruby's eyes went round, and she gasped. "Oh, my God, are they moving in together?"

Hook eyed her warily: this was quite a predicament he found himself in. If he said "yes", she would get upset that Robin knew about it before her, because he should have told her the minute he found out (apparently). But if he said "no", she would get upset that he was lying.

"They make a lovely couple, don't they?" he said at last, smiling nervously.

"You knew and you didn't tell me?"

"It was an accident! I-I wasn't supposed to find out!"

"Hook!" Ruby gaped at him. "I tell you everything! And you keep something this big from me, and you tell Robin instead?"

"Technically—" Hook pointed at the phone—"I told Belle, and Robin somehow found out. See, he clearly states that he's mad because I didn't tell him—"

"You told Belle and not me?"

"I—" Hook bit his lip, shrinking under the force of Ruby's glare. Shit. Was there a way out of this?

Ruby's eyes narrowed to slits as the silence lengthened. "You're unbelievable, you know that?"

"Ruby…" Hook stood up, watching helplessly as she crossed the room to snatch up her coat and purse. "Where are you going?"

"To David and Snow's," she said shortly, throwing her coat over her shoulder. "And then I'm going to Granny's to start moving my stuff into Belle's apartment."

"Why are you going to David and Snow's?" Hook frowned, immediately blocking the door as she moved toward it. "You can't tell them."

"Like hell I can't," she scoffed. "Get out of my way."

"No—Ruby—" Hook braced himself against the door. "David's going to blow his lid. He's going to call Emma and bitch until he's blue in the face, and then she's going to bitch at Neal until she's blue in the face, and then Neal's going to sic Regina on me and I'm going to die, and won't you miss me?"

"I don't know. We'll see."

"Ruby," he implored, taking her hand between his own and his hook. "At least let me talk to Neal first, give me some time to find someone else to blame because—I won't lie to you, darling, I fear Neal's wrath, he gets very shouty sometimes—"

Ruby jerked her hand away. "I'm mad at you right now," she warned. "Now, get out of my way."

"I think you're overreacting," he said desperately. "It's not even that big a deal—"

"Full moon tomorrow," she reminded him icily. "Do you know what that means?"

Hook nodded miserably.

"Nuclear PMS," she hissed, answering anyway. "So if there's anyone's wrath you should be fearing right now, it's mine."

Without warning, she grabbed the handle and ripped the door open, sending Hook flying forward. He scrambled to his feet, cursing, as she stormed down the stairs and shouted something at Belle and Rumple about running some errands.

"Don't let her leave!" Hook yelled frantically, even as the door swung open and Ruby's boots stomped out. "Ruby, you can't tell them! Just give me ten minutes—DAMN IT!"

He fumbled for his phone, his hand shaking as he tried to punch in Neal's number. Oh, shit….He was going to kill him—no, no, he was going to let Regina kill him. Damn it, Robin! How did he bloody know in the first place? And to put sensitive information like that into a text? Moron!

"Come on, Neal, please pick up, please pick up…" he muttered anxiously. "Come on, please…"

"I'm sorry. But the number you are trying to reach—"

"Oh, shut up!" he snapped at the answering service, and lowered the phone to punch in Emma's number. "Okay, Emma, be my best fried and pick up…pick up…pick up the goddamn phone—!" He swore violently as the answering service came on again. Now what?

Lily, he thought immediately. He could call Lily, and she could pass Neal the phone, and then Hook could make a proper plea for his life…

She picked up on the second ring. "Who is this?" she asked, without so much as a "hello".

"It's Hook."

"Ugh."

"Thanks. Listen, I need a favor."

"Why would I help you?"

Hook gritted his teeth. "Because it's Christmas, and peace and goodwill toward all men."

Lily let out a dry laugh. "Not really interested in men."

"Shocking," he said, rolling his eyes. "Could you just see if Neal's in his room, and pass the phone over? I need to talk to him."

"What am I, your secretary? Call him on his own phone."

"I did. And I tried Emma's. They're not picking up."

"Yeah—" Lily's voice moved away from the phone, presumably as she leaned to get a better look. "They're packing his stuff into boxes right now, they probably can't even hear their phones ringing."

"Yes, I know," Hook said impatiently. "That's why I'm asking you to pass the phone over."

"Hey, can I ask you something about Emma?" He heard the sound of a door closing, and Lily lowered her voice. "How serious is she about this Neal guy?"

"I—" Hook shook his head incredulously. "What?"

"Well, you hang out with them, right? How serious are they?"

"Are you going to let me talk to him or not?" he demanded.

"Probably…not."

"Aargh!" Hook shouted frustratedly, hanging up the phone. He paced quickly, running an anxious hand through his hair. Think! he ordered himself. Think! Think! Think—oh, no, my hair's mussed (as he passed the mirror). Think!

There was nothing for it. He was going to to have to go down there himself, and remind Neal and Emma how much they loved him and to please not set Regina's righteous fury on his miserable soul. So long as he got there before David had a chance to get to them, he might have a chance.

But he had to hurry, he told himself as he pounded down the stairs. At some point, Neal and Emma were going to be done with the boxes and hear their phones, and if David was on the other end… No, he mustn't think about that: thinking about his own death was too heartbreaking. He was one of his own favorite people; he would miss himself too terribly, should anything unfortunate befall him (something unfortunate was definitely going to befall Robin, once he got ahold of him, though).

"Belle—!" Hook skidded into the kitchen, clawing the doorframe with his hook to keep from slipping. "Damn it!"

"You moron!" Rumple cried, horrorstruck by his now-splintered doorframe. "Don't break my house!"

"Shut up, crocodile!" Hook snapped.

"What does that even mean?"

"I don't bloody know, stop asking me! Belle—" Hook turned to her wildly. "Belle, I need you to drive me to Granny's."

"What, now?" Belle looked down at her half-finished breakfast, and back up at Hook miserably. "Can't you just walk?"

"Walk? In this weather?" Hook gasped, outraged. "I'll freeze to death!"

"Would that be so terrible?" Rumple growled into his cup.

"Just to spite you, I'll die in your driveway," Hook warned him.

"Oh, Merry Christmas to me," he smiled nastily.

"Shut up, crocodile!"

"Both of you, stop!" Belle stood up, throwing her napkin down. "Hook, get your coat, we'll go to Granny's. And Rumple, stop muttering under your breath. Honestly—" she huffed, stalking across the room to yank her coat off the rack—"the two of you are like a pair of twelve-year-olds!"

Hook and Rumple glowered at each other, until Belle grabbed Hook's wrist and pulled him after her.

"Hey!" Rumple yelled, hurrying after them to get the last word in. "They've invented a new thing—buttons! Try one, sometime! You look like a whore!"

"You look like Smeagol's love child with a leprechaun!"

"You're both idiots!" Belle declared, slamming the door shut before either could say another word. "Goddamn, it's freezing!"

"And you wanted me to walk…"

Belle glared at him from the side as they trudged to the car. "You know, Rumple's got a point," she said, swinging her door open and sliding in. "You can afford doing up an extra button or two. It's fucking December."

"It's called 'style', darling. Heard of it?"

"You look like a slut."

"I am a slut."

"Oh, yes. We know. We all know." Belle spared him a look of disgust as she drove out onto the road. "What the hell is it with you and Ruby, anyway? Why do you guys have to be so—?"

"Affectionate?"

"I was going to say, 'disgusting'."

"The heart wants what it wants," Hook said vaguely, frowning out the window. "Can't you go any faster?"

"I'm already at the speed limit!"

"What, you're going to let a little sign tell you what to do? Step on it, woman! It's a matter of life and death!"

"Yeah, so is this!" Belle snapped. "Don't yell at me when I'm driving!"

"Aargh!" Hook shouted, throwing his head back. "Why did you have to bloody tell him in the first place?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Robin!" he said furiously. "Why'd you have to tell Robin, you know that idiot will go blabbing it all over town—!"

"I didn't tell Robin, I told Tink!" Belle said indignantly. "And you're one to talk, you weren't supposed to tell me, either!"

Hook didn't have a response to that; he just folded his arms tightly across his chest and glared out the window.

Belle kept up a steady stream of disgruntled criticisms during the drive, all of which seemed to be centered around either his slutty attire, slutty behavior, and general stupidity: "You know, you can just tell us you have chest hair—you don't have to prove it!", and "It's at the point where I'm embarrassed to be seen with you in public! You're as bad as Tink!", and "It's like you're making an effort to increase the amount of stupid in this world! Well, congratulations—you did it!" By the time they'd pulled up to Granny's, his feelings were thoroughly hurt and he was seriously judging himself.

But he could think about that later: right now, he had a life to save—his.

He flung open the door, and raced inside, ignoring Granny's shouts of, "Where's my granddaughter, manwhore?" He nearly tripped going up the stairs, his feet scrabbling against them; he reached the landing, and pounded down the hall, skidding to turn the corner—

"Shit!"

His head had collided with someone else's, and a wave of pain rocked his head back. He shut his eyes tightly, gritting his teeth against the ache in his head. This was the second time in less than an hour that he'd possible suffered a concussion.

He slowly cracked his eyes open, still wincing, to see Emma rubbing her head; Neal was beside her, concernedly turning her face up to the light.

"Move your hand, I can't see," he was saying to her, prying her hand away. "Emma—ouch. Yeah, that's going to need some ice."

"What about me?" Hook asked, tilting his head back.

"What about you?" Emma snapped. "You're the one who crashed into me!"

"Yeah, and it bloody hurt!" Hook shot back. "I didn't do it on purpose, did I? Neal, have a look for me—do I need ice?"

"You're fine."

"You didn't even look!"

Neal exhaled frustrated, and whirled around, bracing Hook's head tightly with both hands. Hook waited while he held it up to the light.

"Well?"

"It's a little red, nothing serious. You'll live."

"Will I?" Hook muttered as Neal released him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Lily watching the scene through the crack in her door. He wasn't sure, but he thought he could see her rolling her eyes at Neal brushing his hand against Emma's forehead, advising her to ice it.

"And you," he added to Hook. "Stop being so…you, okay?"

"Yeah, I'll do my best," he said, rolling his eyes. "Listen, Neal—I've got to tell you something."

"Why don't you go get me some ice?" Emma said, nudging Hook. "My head seriously hurts, I think I've got a concussion or something."

"You're a hypochondriac. I need to talk to you guys—" He guided them back into Neal's room, ignoring their protests. "Away from prying eyes," he added as they passed Lily's room.

"Hook—"

"Stop being weird—"

"—ouch! Dude, I'm bleeding now, 'cause of your stupid hook!"

"You're a hypochondriac, Emma!" Hook snapped, slamming the door behind them. "You are not bleeding!"

"Oh, yeah? Then what's that?"

Hook bent down, peering at her arm. "A freckle."

"No, it's—! Oh." Emma frowned, brushing her fingers over the little spot on her arm. "Huh. How about that."

"Shut up, darling, this is important." Hook put an arm around each of them, pretending not to notice as they tried to squirm away. "I want you both to know that I love you. Almost as much as myself. Not quite, because frankly, I'm far more beautiful than either of you—"

Emma and Neal started muttering mockingly under their breath; Hook raised his voice.

"But I digress. Anyways, I love both of you, and I hope you love me, because sometimes the people you love do stupid things, and I've…done a stupid thing. Don't make a Ruby-joke, Emma, or I will be very cross," he added, seeing the look on her face.

"What did you do?" Neal frowned suspiciously, stepping away from his arm. "Did you…? You didn't… you didn't tell people?"

"No! Well, maybe…" Hook shifted nervously, looking between the two of them: Neal's face darkening, Emma's eyes darting confusedly between them.

"Hook," Neal glowered, stepping threateningly toward him. "What did you do?"

Hook backed against the door fearfully. "It was an accident!" he whispered. "I didn't mean to!"

"Didn't mean to?"

"I only told Belle!" Hook said frantically. "But somehow it got out, and Robin knows and Ruby knows, and she's gone over to David and Snow's—"

"DAVID KNOWS?"

"I'm sorry!" he squeaked, shrinking against the door as Neal frustratedly threw his head in his hands and started pacing the room, muttering furiously to himself. Emma looked between the two of them quickly.

"Guys, what's going on?" she asked anxiously. "Neal? Hook?"

"He told them!" Neal kicked his wall. "Goddamn it, Hook! You had one fucking job!"

"Told them what?" Emma turned to Hook, lightly hitting his shoulder. "Told them what?"

Hook smiled nervously. "Can I just say, congratulations on moving in together? You two make such a cute couple—"

Emma's eyes widened furiously. "Neal!" she shouted, rounding on him. "You told him?"

"He figured it out! It wasn't my fault!"

"If there's anyone to blame for this situation, it's Belle," Hook piped up.

"SHUT UP!" they yelled, glaring at him. Hook nodded obediently, and mimed zipping his mouth shut.

"Where's my phone?" Neal asked suddenly, pounding toward the bed, and tossing things over his shoulder. "Damn it! Where the hell—? Ha!"

"Who are you calling?" Emma asked, still glaring at Hook.

"Regina," Neal growled.

Hook felt the blood drain from his face. "Neal, don't do it. Please, don't do it."

"You brought this on yourself," Neal said viciously. "All dumbassery comes with a price."