This is an even fluffier chapter than usual, dedicated specifically to my friend Marrilyn, who needs a pick-me-up. Hooked Queen snarkiness, featuring Lily and a sprinkle of Swanfire, for YOU, bro. Hope this helps :)))

Your Majesty!"

Regina rolled her eyes, glancing up from her scroll. "What do you want, Davis? I'm in the middle of listing all of Snow White's sins against the crown." She frowned down at the parchment, skimming her words. "So far, I've only got 'stealing' and 'general dumbassery'."

"What about…heresy?"

"Heresy?" she repeated witheringly. "Good God, Davis, do you even know what that means?"

"No, Your Majesty."

"You're an idiot," she sighed, tossing the scroll aside. "Now what do you want?"

"There's a man come to the castle, seeking sanctuary."

Regina raised a dry eyebrow. "And I care because…?"

"Because the queen is obliged to offer sanctuary to those who seek it?"

"Oh." Regina grimaced, shifting her position on her throne. "All right, send him in."

Davis bobbed a quick bow, and scampered from the room. Regina tapped her fingers listlessly as she heard the sounds of several feet shuffling outside the door; it swung open, pulled apart by two of her Black Knights, and a trail of men marched in. Regina lifted her chin, narrowing her eyes as she found the man in the middle of her soldiers.

"Speak," she ordered, pointing to him. "State your name and purpose."

The soldiers took several steps back from him as the man gave a theatrical flourish of his hand and the metal hook on the end of his left wrist.

"Killian Jones," he intoned, sweeping her a deep bow. "But most people refer to me by my more colorful moniker."

Regina raised her eyebrows.

"Hook," he said sounding very satisfied with himself.

She nodded slowly. "Okay…?"

"As in…Captain Hook."

"Right…?"

Hook looked frustrated. "The fearsome pirate? The dastardly seafarer? Captain of the Jolly Roger?"

"Oh, right, right, right…No, I've heard of you," she lied. "I just wasn't expecting—" she flopped her hands at him—"this."

Hook grinned, raising a roguish eyebrow. "Nor was I expecting this. I heard the queen was lovely, but no one told me she was sexy as hell."

"Excuse me?" Regina stared at him with wide eyes. Was he serious right now?

"Mmm—mmm—mmm!" Hook looked her up and down, tsking in appreciation. "You are wearing the hell out of the dress, milady."

"Do you want your tongue cut out of your head?" Regina demanded, standing up.

"No. I use it far too much." Hook suggestively licked his lips, winking at her. Behind him, Davis raised his eyes to the heavens and muttered, "What a whore."

"Who are you?" Regina snapped at the pirate. "Davis says you were looking for sanctuary, but personally, I'm rather starting to root for your enemies. I don't like you. I don't like your snarky little bitch-face or your snarky little bitch-attitude. And I don't know what makes you feel brave enough to pull the kind of shit you just did, but it really shouldn't."

"Feisty," Hook grinned. "I like feisty. Actually, I know a little game—"

"Why are you in my castle?" Regina said loudly, talking over him.

"I'm in a spot of trouble with the king in the neighboring country," Hook shrugged, looking supremely unconcerned. "Let's just say…he's got a very pretty daughter." He frowned at the ceiling and nodded his head, considering his words. "Damaged goods, you might say."

"I see."

"I… damaged…" Hook waved his hand. "You know, the goods."

"Yes, thank you, I understand."

"Popped the cherry."

"Got it."

"Deflowered the—"

"Thank you, Captain!" Regina said loudly, flinging up a hand.

"And now I'm in trouble," he finished. "So, if you could be a lamb and grant me sanctuary…?"

"What kind of trouble?" Regina asked suspiciously. "The girl isn't expecting a little pirate now, is she?"

"Eww, no!" Hook looked disgusted, recoiling. "I hate children."

Regina slit her eyes. "I like children."

"Well, I can help with that," he said immediately, flashing her a winning smile. "We should get started right away."

"Are those really what you want your last words to be?"

"No, that wasn't even my best joke. Can you give me a minute?"

Regina stared at him for a minute, then shook her head wonderingly. "You have a bizarre amount of confidence for such a pathetic man."

Hook winked. "You like that, don't you?"

"I think I'll kill you now," she mused, raising her hand; Davis ran forward, shaking his head emphatically.

"Your Majesty, you mustn't! He's already claimed sanctuary! It is most inappropriate—!"

"All right, FINE, Davis! Sanctuary, yes! I've grasped the concept! But you—" she pointed a threatening finger at a very smug-looking Hook—"you can wipe that smile off your face, Sparky—because I promise you, one day, I will kill you."

"Do you remember how I once told you that one day, I would kill you?"

"Yes."

"That day has come."

A cruel smile spread on Regina's face as she looked down at the pathetic little bastard: Hook, backed up against the wall, looking up at her with wide fearful eyes. Emma and Neal stood off to the side, watching with narrowed eyes and folded arms, silently fuming.

"Don't hold back, Regina," Neal growled. "I promised him hell, and I'm a man of my word."

"Of course," Regina smiled, sliding her gloves off and flexing her fingers. "I rather think I'm going to enjoy this."

"You don't know how long I've been waiting for you to say that to me," Hook said immediately, then clamped his hand over his mouth. "I'm sorry," he said in a loud whisper. "Force of habit."

"Funny. I used to be in the habit of ripping people's hearts out and crushing them."

Hook's eyes widened in alarm. "NEAL!"

"You're on your own, buddy."

"EMMA!"

"Yeah, I'm with Neal on this."

Hook scrabbled backwards as he much as he could, his breath coming in terrified little squeaks and gasps, as Regina slowly lowered herself on her heels to meet his eyes.

"Regina," he whispered desperately. "Please. I'll never hit on you again, I swear. Unless you want me to. Or you just want me, in general, I'm sure Ruby would understand—"

"Be quiet, peasant," Regina said disdainfully.

"What are you going to do to me?" he whispered. "Goddamn it, even that sounds sexy."

"Can you not be yourself? For like, two minutes?"

"Only if you agree to stop being so irresistible, darling. I know, I know!" he said hastily as Regina's eyes narrowed. "I can't help it, Regina. Give a man a fighting chance—don't wear the silky blouses, it's not even fair."

"I am literally ready to rip your heart out and crush it, not to mention pregnant with one of your best friends' child, and you're still hitting on me?"

"I have a gift," Hook smiled nervously.

"You have a disease," Regina scoffed. "Several, I'd wager."

"Don't kill me!" he pleaded. "I-I haven't lived enough, I'm too young to die!"

Regina closed her eyes. "You are deliberately baiting me. You are three hundred years old—"

"And I want to make it an even five hundred," Hook said quickly. "P-please. I-I-I'll do anything. Henry still owes me a f-favor from when he stole my hook—y-you can have it."

"I don't need a favor from Henry, you imbecile. I'm his mother."

"Please!" Hook begged. "Regina, I know, somewhere deep in your heart, you care about me—"

"You are incorrect, sir."

"—you hold some kind of affection for me—"

"And now you're just embarrassing yourself."

"—you don't want to hurt me—"

"The world is laughing at you."

"Oh, come on!" Hook snapped, dropping the crocodile tears instantly. "Regina, honestly!"

"Stand back, children," Regina ordered Emma and Neal, raising her hand. "This isn't going to be pretty."

"Between the two of us, I'm sure it will be more than pretty."

"Are those really what you want your last words to be?"

"No, that wasn't even my best joke. Can you give me a minute?"

Regina frowned at the words, tilting her head. "This feels familiar. Have we done this before?"

"If I could tell you how many times my first girlfriend said that to me…"

Regina rolled her eyes. "Spare me the intimate details."

"And if I could tell you how many times her boyfriend said that to me…"

"Wow," Neal said loudly. "Judging you. Judging you so hard right now, bro."

"Regina—" Hook pushed himself to his knees, clasping his hand over his hook and tucking it pleadingly under his chin. "Please. Have mercy. It's Christmas."

"Yes, it is," she said with relish, beaming at him. "Merry Christmas, Regina."

"Wait!"

The four of them snapped their heads toward the door at the sound of Lily's voice: she stood in the doorway, staring between Hook and Regina. Regina noticed Emma out of the corner of her eye slowly shift behind Neal to block herself from view.

"I'm sorry, may I help you?" Regina asked, raising an eyebrow. Lily slowly lowered her hand as she walked toward them.

"Don't kill him," she said, looking at Hook. "Seriously, Regina, don't kill him."

"I wasn't going to literally kill him," Regina said, annoyed.

Hook's eyebrows shot up. "You weren't?"

"That doesn't mean you should feel safe," she told him. "Because you shouldn't."

"You're not going to lay a finger on him," Lily said, narrowing her eyes at Regina. "My mother has waited a century to get her hands on him—don't say anything!" she added fiercely as Hook immediately opened his mouth. "If anyone's going to kill him, it's going to Ursula."

"Well—wait—" Neal frowned, stepping forward. "She's—she's not going to actually kill him, is she?"

Lily scoffed. "What do you care? You were just about to let Regina blast him."

"Yeah, but she wasn't actually going to do anything," Neal said. "She was just going to scare him a little—right, Regina?

Regina blinked. "….Right."

"Seriously?" Hook's eyes darted between them. "Shit, you guys totally had me going there."

"I'm still mad at you," Neal warned. "I mean, really fucking mad at you. You can't even comprehend how mad at you I am."

"Not as much as Ursula, I'll bet," Lily hissed at Neal. "Which is why, you're not going to do anything to him. At least, not until after she's done with him." She glanced at Hook. "Maybe if he stopped scampering off like a little bitch every time she came in the room, it would be over and done with by now."

"I'm a survivor, love. I choose my battles wisely." Hook held out his hand, motioning for Neal to help pull him to a stand. "Which is precisely why —thanks, mate—I will always avoid a battle against a woman. They will inevitably win, and I will inevitably be humiliated." He dusted himself off, and looked up at Regina. "Well done," he said, inclining his head respectfully. "As always, you are the most terrifyingly beautiful and beautifully terrifying creature I've ever laid eyes on. I genuinely thought you were going to hurt me."

"Hmm," Regina said with a wry smile. "You're smarter than you look."

"And Neal…Emma…" Hook looked toward them apprehensively; they looked like they still weren't feeling too friendly toward him, but their glares had softened. "I am sorry. But I had to tell Belle a secret, in exchange for her letting me and Ruby stay over because of the row she and her gran had last night, and then Belle probably blabbed it all over town. So technically, this is really more Belle's fault than mine." Hook sighed deeply, pitying himself. "I was just trying to help my damsel in distress. Belle took advantage of me." He coughed to stifle his laughter, and muttered something about how that sentence could be misconstrued.

"Come on, man," Neal complained. "Your jokes are like tiny mind-rapists. Can't you ever just let one go?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Neal. If I were to—"

Regina flung up her hand, frowning as she noticed Emma staring at her phone in horror. "Emma, you look positively terrified."

"Are you okay?" Lily crooned. Neal immediately stepped back to Emma, placing a protective arm around her shoulder. Emma didn't seem to notice, so transfixed was she by the apparently disastrous message on her phone.

"It's my dad," she said in a trembling voice. "H-he wants to talk to us."

"So?" Neal said, feigning nonchalance. "We're all adults. I'm sure David will be…" He trailed off, seeing the round of incredulous faces staring back at him. "Perfectly unreasonable," he sighed. "All right, let's go."

"Oh—" Lily stood in front of the doorway. "Can I come? You know…meet everybody?"

Regina and Hook exchanged a confused glance. "Why would you want to meet everybody?" Regina asked, crinkling her brow. "They're all assholes."

"Just…" Lily's eyes trailed to Neal, a malicious glint in her eyes. "You guys sound like you have a really amazing family, and I never really had one before Cruella and Ursula." She shrugged her shoulders up and down. "I finally feel like I've found a town a belong in. I'm trying to set some roots here. "

"No, you're not," Hook snorted. "You just want to see David take the mickey out of Neal, 'cause you've still got lezzie love for Emma."

Lily looked at Hook for a long time, slowly raising an eyebrow. "I think that's between me and Emma," she said.

"There's something between you and Emma?" Hook's eyebrows jumped, and a wide smile spread on his face. "Do tell!"

"Neal," Emma said warningly, grabbing his sleeve as he moved toward Hook. Neal glowered, but allowed Emma to pull him back. "What is going on with you today?" she hissed. "You're, like…aggressive."

"Bloodthirsty," Hook agreed, looking at Neal warily.

"Maybe he's just intimidated," Lily said icily. "Feeling threatened."

Neal closed his eyes, visibly clenching his teeth. Emma's eyes darted between him and Lily, who was watching him with a sour smile on her face. Hook, for his part, seemed to be losing interest in the scene and was instead looking Regina up and down, muttering, "Mmm-mmm-mmm."

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Regina snapped, stepping back. "You little pervert!"

"What? Regina—" Hook gave her a pained look. "Look, in a month or two, you're going to start to show, and you're going to be incredibly less sexy."

"You have a girlfriend."

"Who I care for very deeply," Hook acknowledged, nodding emphatically "But me and you, we've got history, darling. You'll always have a special place in my heart. And in my imagination," he added with a wink.

Regina narrowed her eyes witheringly. "You're disgusting," she spat. "I mean, really. How do you live with yourself?"

"I know, I'm terrible," Hook sighed heavily, though Regina could see him hiding a smile. "I expect I'll be on the Naughty List this year…" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "The very naughty list, if you know what I mean."

"And you—" Emma rounded on him with wide eyes. "What the hell is going on with you? You're, like, extra-sleazy today."

"Well, it's not my fault," Hook complained. "Ruby started something up today and then she left before things got off the ground, so now I'm all—" he waved his hand frustratedly. "And then Regina comes in, looking fabulous, and you and Lily are telling me you have hot lesbian sex together—"

"What?" Emma, Regina, and Neal sputtered. Hook shrugged defensively.

"I'm reading between the lines."

"You can't read!" Regina said with derisive laughter. "You've got a perpetual case of teenage hormones—that's your problem."

"I prefer to think of it as 'keeping the spirit of youth'," Hook sniffed.

"Can I say something?" Lily asked, raising her hand.

"NO!" the four of them shouted. Lily slowly lowered her hand; Regina whipped back to Hook, glaring at him.

"Your spirit of youth is offense, you know that? You think I want to hear about the details of your sexual appetite? Spoiler! I don't! In fact, you know what—" Regina unclenched her fist, still tingling furiously with magic, and made a grasping gesture at Hook. Hook's eyes flew wide open, clearly having felt the magic hit him; he patted his throat frantically, checking for injury.

"Are you okay?" Emma asked worriedly, while Neal peered at him over his head.

Hook breathed a sigh of relief, lowering his hand. I'm fine, he mouthed—then frowned. I'm fine, he tried again. Emma?

"What are you saying?" Emma asked, crinkling her brow. "I can't hear you, just talk."

I can't! Hook looked around wildly, his eyes landing on Regina. She smiled back, satisfied, and folded her arms as she watched the horror-filled look of dawning comprehension on his face.

"I told you, I didn't want to hear you anymore," she said primly. "And now I won't."