Katniss and Clove: Chapter Fifteen
Katniss would not have known what to expect, meeting me on the roof; games, intimidation, threats and bargains were all on the table. But a frank admission? Now this appears the least trustworthy of all options. "I would like to start again, in honesty, if you will hear me?" I don't say believe me because we both know that is not possible.
I quickly relay that I am born and bred to participate in these games - to win if possible. I tell her briefly that I arrived being prepared to give the Hunger Games the fight of my life, but that on arrival, something had changed within me. I explained that I had unexpectedly met someone, someone that I cared about more than I cared about winning the games. And that the only chance I had of expressing my desire was to relinquish any real hope of winning.
Katniss looked perturbed, "I don't see what any of this has to do with me, Clove." "If I am going to die Katniss, and I am, I want to go out with integrity." "I still don't…" she began, I didn't let her finish. Having spoken those words made me keenly aware of the limited time I have left on this planet. I never realised I had anything to say at all and now there was so much and so little time and I wanted to say it all to her. This beautiful girl.
"The games are rigged," I blurted out. "Cato and I were selected months ago, others were prevented from volunteering to ensure our places." I tell her that my team, that the teams for the Capitol and District 3 are freaking out over her, her score of 11, her huge popularity from the girl on fire angle and force myself to tell her the truth about how my first attempt to befriend her was disingenuous. I told her that I had worked out her secret skill but that I would never reveal it to anyone ever. Ever. The next two weeks, more like.
When I mentioned the archery she turned and gave me a hard look but when I finally stopped speaking all she said was "Oh." "I am telling you this, Katniss, because I am going to die. I want two things before I do; I want to tell someone that I care about them and if you will let me, I want to help you win. I know it's hard to trust me, impossible maybe. You got an 11, you have to know the Careers are coming for you. There is nothing I can personally gain going forward from actually helping you or pretending to help you, my days are numbered."
"So you aren't going to try to win, you want to help me win. I don't understand you at all, what do you want from me, Clove?" I don't blame her. "I want to tell you that I care about you." I turn sidewards so that I am no longer looking out over the city but looking at her, she doesn't move a muscle. "I think it's amazing that you volunteered to take your sister's place here. You told her you would try to win and I can see that you really are trying. In fact you have a reasonable chance, Katniss. Don't lose heart".
The atmosphere is charged right now. She would like to believe me and I think that is because she is a good person, she would like to help me, to believe me if she could. "You looked amazing coming down the causeway all covered in flames, you looked at once both so scared and so defiant." I want to touch her.
A nervous sort of giggle escapes her and she flicks me a look "I thought you were going to kiss me for a moment" she looks more scared at the thought of me kissing her than cutting her. I wonder if that's because her response to one is decided but to the other completely unknown to her.
My silence suggests to her that her instincts are dead on and it takes a long moment for her to realise it. She turns to face me and the look on her face is unreadable. Only a fool would think getting slapped or rejected is a high price to pay for trying to kiss Katniss Everdeen. There isn't a price I am not willing to pay.
I lean toward her so slowly, giving her plenty of time to run or wind up and sock me a beauty, she does neither. Instead, both of us are astonished that she is going to let me press my lips tenderly to hers. The first kiss is a gift, the second and third are questions, invitations for her to kiss me back. She does not.
I pull back as gently as I moved in, I have achieved what I wanted. I have no wish to extract something from her that she does not want to give me. I turn back and lean on the rail looking out across the city. The sun is beginning to rise and if I can have nothing more, perhaps just to share this amazing sunrise with Katniss. She is watching me, watching the sunrise.