Christmas was, to paraphrase Charles Dickens (as all educated people did at one point or another) the best of times and the worst of times.

It was the best of times because it was Christmas and he'd gotten that video game he'd been waiting for (that army of undead elves was going to be annihilated); and it was the best of times because for once, they were all sitting around Rumple's family room, enjoying Christmas breakfast—without any petty arguments. It was actually pleasant: there was laughing, good-natured mocking, everyone wearing the new sweaters and jewelry and slippers everyone else had gotten them…Best of times, indeed

But it was also the worst of times. His parents were in an unreasonably good mood, and Henry was well past the age of blissful ignorance: he knew exactly what that good mood meant, and oh, dear God in Heaven, knowledge was a burden.

Times only got worse when Hook showed up, looking thoroughly miserable and extremely Ruby-less.

"Morning, all," he grumbled, shuffling inside.

There was a chorus of cheerful voices overlapping with, "Hi, Hook" and "Hey, slut!" as he walked across the room to pour himself a cup of coffee.

"Good morning, Captain!" Rumple beamed. "Where's your girlfriend?"

Hook glowered at Rumple over his cup. "Shut up, crocodile."

"And a merry Christmas to you, too," Rumple returned sweetly. Hook rolled his eyes, stepping over Rumple's outstretched legs to take a seat next to Belle on the couch. Belle speared a piece of toast on his hook, and offered him a bright smile.

"Merry Christmas, buddy," she said. "I like your little tie, there."

"Do you?" Hook grimaced. Henry leaned forward, raising his eyebrows dubiously. It was actually a really stupid-looking tie, decorated with all sorts of pirate crap: curved swords, anchors, and the like. Really stupid, and really cheap—the kind of thing a person with bad taste and a waitress's salary would buy.

"Ruby's present, I'm guessing?" Henry smirked.

"Yep," Hook exhaled, and morosely twirled the end of the tie around his finger. "She was going to untie it with her teeth—"

"Oh, God, don't!" everyone groaned, clattering down their plates and silverware. Belle scooted a little further down the couch, while Henry drew his knees up protectively and shrank back in the armchair. Hook didn't seem to notice, still regretfully sighing over all the slutty things he would have been doing with Ruby, had she not been so mad at him.

"…probably would have done that little nibbly thing right here, under my ear—"

"Here, have a biscuit," Belle said, generously shoving a cookie in his mouth. "So, is everyone enjoying their Christmas?"

"Not particularly," Regina said sourly. "My head is killing me."

"Do you want me to get you an aspirin?" Robin offered. Regina closed her eyes.

"No," she said through clenched teeth. "If I wanted an aspirin, I'd get my own damn aspirin. I'm not a china doll, Robin. I can handle it."

"I was only trying to—"

"Well, stop trying to."

Henry raised his eyebrows, seeing Robin exchange a significant look with Neal. Was there some kind of whispered alliance between his father and stepfather now? Or was that just a "guy thing" he had yet to be part of?

"…does this thing with her tongue," Hook was saying, oblivious to his surroundings. "She kind of swirls it around and around, and then she'll—"

"Dude, I'm eating here," Neal complained, dropping his bagel. "Could you not?"

"—runs her nails down, and then if she's feeling particularly feisty—"

"Hey, Henry," Rumple said loudly. "Why don't you come help me with something in the kitchen?"

"Sounds good," Henry said instantly, jumping off his chair. He honestly didn't care what it was, he just wanted to put as much distance between himself and Hook as possible. His mere presence made Henry physically ill; and as much as he delighted in Hook's suffering, he didn't want to be there to witness it—just in case the slutty reminiscing extended to include the man-tears Hook had been known to shed unashamedly.

He missed exactly what Hook said, but there was another round of, "Hook, shut up!" before the door swung closed behind him. Henry shuddered, and walked over to the table, swiping out a chair with his foot.

"What's up, Grandpa?" he asked as Rumple settled into the seat across from him. "Is there something I'm actually helping you with, or was that just a way to protect my young, impressionable ears from tales of Hook's sexcapades?"

"Both," Rumple said. "Actually, I've got a little job for you, Henry."

Henry raised his eyebrows. "Okay?"

"You remember last night, how I was telling you about True Love magic and holding the portal open?"

Goddamn it, this again? "Sure," Henry said, trying to sound enthusiastic. "It was very interesting, all that…stuff you told me about."

Rumple smiled, rubbing his hands together excitedly. "I thought of something last night," he said. "Talismans."

"Oh, right, yeah. Talismans. Cool." Henry nodded slowly. "So…what about talismans?"

"You remember when we went to New York to find your father?" Rumple said (pointless question, because how could he forget?). "I had that shawl to help me keep my memories intact, the one that belonged to Bae? Well, it was charged with True Love—"

Henry closed his eyes at the phrase True Love.

"—which is, as you know, the most powerful form of magic that we know of. So, I figured, if my talisman was powerful enough to help me cross between the magic realm of the town into the non-magic world, I should be able to use a True Love talisman on the well—"

"Grandpa, this is super awesome and everything, but I—"

"I need you to steal your mother's swan pendant," Rumple said flatly.

Henry blinked. "I beg your pardon?"

"Swan pendant. Steal it." Rumple clicked his teeth. "It's not a difficult concept to grasp, lad."

"No, I understood what you said, I'm just…" Henry shook his head. "You want me to steal a rusty old keychain?"

"I suppose you could also try your grandparents' ring," Rumple mused. "Although, I'd really prefer you didn't, Henry, it's just too nice to throw down a well. The keychain, on the other hand…I mean, it's worth, what, fifty cents?"

"But Mom's had that necklace for, like, ever," Henry frowned. "She's not going to let me toss it down the well, even if it is to open Lake Nostos. It's from their Bonnie-and-Clyde days, she loves that necklace."

"Yeah, that's the whole point," Rumple said impatiently. "It's your parents' talisman, a symbol of their True Love—"

"Eww, Grandpa, don't talk to me about my parents' True Love," Henry complained.

"—and if my theory is right, it should be strong enough to let Lake Nostos through, and then we're in business," Rumple finished, slapping the table. "I just need you to snitch the necklace from your skank mother."

"Dude…"

"From your mother," Rumple amended.

Henry sighed. "How the hell am I supposed to steal it when she never takes the damn thing off?"

"Look at your genes," Rumple scoffed. "If anyone can figure out how to steal something, it's you. And you snitched all that stuff from Regina's vault the first time around, didn't you?"

"Yeah, but—"

"But nothing," Rumple said firmly. "You'll steal the pendant, bring it to me, and then we're going to resurrect that bitch, Cora."

"I'm pretty sure I need her ashes or something," Henry said. "I'm not going through all the trouble of stealing the necklace, just so I can toss it down the well for nothing."

"Leave that to me," Rumple assured him. "I know where Cora's buried, I'll take care of it."

Henry recoiled. "You're going to go through her grave? That's nasty."

"Henry." Rumple sounded as though he was struggling to keep his patience. "Necromancy is some of the darkest magic there is. Nastiness is a necessary evil."

Darkest magic there is? Henry's eyebrows shot up. "Wait, so this whole time, I've been using dark magic? That's what you guys have been trying to teach me? Dark magic?"

"Come on, Henry!" Rumple said exasperatedly. "Look at you! You are the most cynical, misanthropic, antisocial little bastard I ever met! Which I greatly admire," he added quickly. "But are you really surprised that your magic is dark?"

"Honestly?" Henry scratched the back of his head. He was from a family of heroes, wasn't he? Snow and David had been considered to be two of the greatest heroes, back in the day; Emma was the Savior, a strong wielder of light magic (had she bothered to learn). And Henry…he had that Heart-of-the-Truest-Believer thing going, didn't he?

But that was only one half of his family. On his father's side…let's see, he had Rumplestiltskin, the Dark One. And seeing as Regina and Neal were half-siblings, that mean he was also blood-related to the Evil Queen who'd raised him. And a bit further back, there was Peter Pan, who'd turned out to be the craziest son of a bitch with magic he'd ever met.

If Henry was being really honest with himself, he also had to admit that the wide-eyed innocent boy he'd been once was now little more than an unpleasant memory. Neverland had changed him. He'd had a lot of time to think, trapped in that jungle with a bunch of evil, boy-band-rejects. A lot of disillusionment, a lot of self-realization, a lot of bitterness as he'd mulled over his life in his head. By the time he'd been rescued, the cynicism had already spread fatally, and that Truest-Believer thing had seemed to lose its punch.

"You've got a natural gift for necromancy," Rumple said wonderingly. "How the hell can you be surprised that your magic is dark?"

"I just assumed…" Henry looked at him in awe. "I thought I was going to be stuck with the Heart of the Truest Believer my whole life."

"Henry, that bullshit died in Neverland," Rumple scoffed. "How could a kid with cynicism running through his veins still be the Truest Believer? You'd be a walking paradox."

Henry was mildly disturbed by the rush of relief that flooded his chest. You weren't supposed to feel relieved to find out you had dark magic; nor were you supposed to be relieved when you found out you'd lost your (lame) title of light magic.

"This is weird," he said finally. "I honestly thought I was going to be the kid with the storybook my whole life. Now, I'm like Henry Mills: the Badass Necromancer."

"Well, before all that, I need you to be Henry Mills: the Keychain Thief," Rumple said flatly. "You up for it, or not?"

"I'm up for it," Henry shrugged.

"Darling, could I get another round of coffee here for me and my lovely wifey?"

"Sure." Ruby leaned over the counter and tilted the carafe to pour two streams of coffee into Ursula's and Cruella's mugs. "Merry Christmas, guys—we've got peppermint creamer today."

"That sounds positively revolting, darling," Cruella said silkily. "What say we make this coffee Irish?"

"Too early to serve alcohol," Ruby said, pointing to the sign over the bar.

"Well, it doesn't have to be official, per se," Cruella said, leaning forward with a conspiratorial smile. "Get your boyfriend, he's always got a little flask of something interesting on him."

Ruby set her jaw. "He's not here right now," she said. "You're just going to have to content yourself with regular coffee."

"Not here right now?" Ursula snorted. "Normally, you two are attached by the tongue—"

"Darling, please," Cruella muttered queasily.

"—what happened?"

"Nothing happened," Ruby said tensely, whipping out a rag to clean the stains on the counter. "He's just not here."

"Who's not here?"

"Tink—" Ruby closed her eyes, clenching her fist in the rag—"please, not now."

"Tink!" Ursula and Cruella called out delightedly, adoring smiles on their faces as they hugged the slutty little fairy between them. Tink looked rather bored by their affections, but she graced them with a, "Merry Christmas, bitches", before turning back to Ruby.

"Who's not here?"

"Captain Hack Sparrow," Ursula said wryly.

"Oh…" Tink grinned devilishly. "Shit, man. I thought you guys faked a fight so you could have crazy make-up sex."

"What fight?" Cruella asked in a hushed voice. "Did people throw plates? Did I miss plate-throwing?"

"It was just a bunch of shouting," Tink said, shaking her head. "Don't get excited. Honestly, it was more loud than interesting."

"Hey, Tink, why don't you take your coffee back to your table, okay?" Ruby said, shoving a cup at her. Tink lifted her hands to avoid the coffee sloshing over the sides, but seemed otherwise unoffended.

"Fine by me," she said, picking up her cup. "You bitches want to come with me?"

"Yes!" Cruella beamed. "You're infinitely more interesting that Ruby, darling! Ursula, gather your things, we're going on adventures with this delightful little creature."

"Just…to the other side of the diner," Tink said, giving her a strange look. "I wouldn't call it 'adventures', so much as 'breakfast', but whatever."

Cruella and Ursula hopped over their stools, steering Tink between them as they strode to her table. Ruby watched them go without regret: she didn't really need Tink dredging up the unpleasant and embarrassing memories of last night.

"Is it true?"

Ruby jumped as Ashley slammed her hands down on the counter, looking at her with wide eyes. "Ashley," she swore, putting a hand to her heart as she caught her breath. "What's wrong with you? You scared the shit out of me."

"I heard you and Hook had a huge fight," Ashley said, her eyes gleaming at the prospect of gossip. "What happened? Did you guys break up?"

"No, Ash, we didn't break up," Ruby said through gritted teeth. "We just had a fight."

"Over what?" she said in a hushed tone. "I heard it got pretty intense."

"And where did you hear that?" Ruby asked irritably.

"A little bird told me," Ashley shrugged. "I was cleaning off a table, I got to talking with one of the customers."

"I bet I can guess which one." Ruby glowered across the diner at Tink, who was flipping through a steamy magazine while Ursula and Cruella chattered on. The little showdown with Hook had erupted only after most of the guests had left, so Ashley could only have been told by someone who was there. Tink and Belle were the most likely culprits, but since Belle and Ashley barely talked and Tink talked to anybody who would stand still long enough to listen, she was going to put her money on Tink.

"So?" Ashley prodded impatiently. "What happened? Are you through? Are you on a break? Are you not talking? What's going on?"

"It's nothing, Ashley—

"What were you fighting about? Oh my God—" Ashley's eyes grew wide, and she covered her hand over her mouth. "Did he cheat on you? Is that what happened? Did that swashbuckling bastard cheat on you?"

"No, he didn't—why would you say something like that?"

"Did you cheat on him? Is that what happened?"

"No! No one cheated! Damn it, Ashley, why do you have to—?"

"Are you sure? Because he's really slutty, Ruby—"

"I'm sure, I'm very sure."

"Then what happened?" Ashley pressed. "Come on, Ruby just tell me, please?"

"He just…he said something." Ruby frowned at the counter, kneading her knuckles against the rag as she wiped it. "It freaked me out."

Ashley wrinkled her nose. "Like kinky stuff?"

"No, it was…" Ruby shifted uncomfortably. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Oh, but now you have to," Ashley insisted. "Come on, don't be a tease about it."

"Just…" Ruby made a face, pushing the rag around the counter. "You know, things that people say when they've been in a relationship for a while that might freak a person out if it's still really early in a relationship? Like, words that imply certain things that some people might need be comfortable with because of reasons?"

Ashley crinkled her brow. "What?"

"He almost said something that…" Ruby shuddered. "Ugh. I don't want to think about it, I just don't want to think about it. It gets me all—"

"Wait." Ashley's hand shot out, and she gripped Ruby's wrist, looking at her with wide eyes. "Did he say…it?"

Ruby frowned at her. "Ash, this is starting to feel like a bad Jennifer Anniston movie." She carefully pried her hand away, dropping it unceremoniously. "I'm going to go make sure Tony's not dropping Bandaids in the pancake batter, okay? I'll see you later."

She brushed roughly past her, sidestepping as Ariel burst out of the kitchen with a tray in her hands. Ariel was a more recent hire, but she was already proving to be a good worker. Which actually worked out very well for Ruby, because now she didn't have to feel guilty about leaving her job at the diner now, and accepting that bartender position Jefferson had mentioned yesterday.

Granny smiled at her as they passed each other in the steam-filled kitchen, where beating whisks and crackling oil came together in a delightfully clingy harmony, the kind that just said "home" to Ruby.

"Merry Christmas, kiddo," Granny winked. "Watch Tony."

"I'm on it," Ruby nodded, and made her way through the cluttered space to the back, where an old, droopy-eyed, heavyset man stood, dully staring at the steadily burning pancakes. Ruby leaned over the bowl to make sure there wasn't anything gross floating in there, and hopped on the counter, dangling her feet.

"Can I ask you something, Tony?" she asked, watching as Tony contemplated flipping the pancakes (he didn't). "What do you think it means, when a guy starts to say 'I love you', and your reaction is to fly into a panic and start screaming at him?"

Tony slowly lifted his head. He blinked.

"I know," Ruby sighed, dropping her head. "I went completely insane. But I didn't mean to, it was just—it just happened, you know? And I so wasn't expecting it that moment, I got scared. Do you think it's weird that I got scared, though? Aren't you supposed to be excited when you get to that part of a relationship?"

Tony blinked again, holding the spatula loosely in his hand. The pancakes blackened beside him.

"I know," Ruby wailed. "But it's been such an on/off thing between us, I was only just now starting to get used to us. And it seems way too fast to start bringing that stuff in, doesn't it? I mean, we barely know each other! I don't know anything about his past, further back than when he first came to Storybrooke! I haven't even told him about Peter! It still feels like such a shallow relationship, how can he possibly be bringing I love you's in? It's too soon, isn't it?"

Tony stared at her with his droopy eyes.

"Thank you," Ruby said, leaning back in relief. "I knew it was too soon. Ashley was irritating the shit out of me, she kept asking me if one of us cheated. And I was like, 'No'; so then she was like, 'Then what happened?' And I'm like, 'Well, he said stuff', and she was like, 'Eww, kinky stuff?' and I'm like, 'No'. So she kept asking and asking, until finally she was like, 'Oh, my God, did he say it?' And I'm just like, 'Bitch, this isn't a Jennifer Anniston movie'. I mean, come on, Tony, she's a fucking moron! I'm wasting my time and energy to talking to a fucking moron, right?"

Tony blinked.

"Right! God, I always knew Ashley was a moron. And a gossip, too—like, you should have seen her, her eyes were bugging out of her head! She's probably going to tell everyone now, you know?But you want to know something else, Tony? I don't care. I don't care if she tells everyone. I've got bigger problems. Like randomly freaking out, I still don't know what that's about. I mean, it was a dumb, thoughtless thing for him to do, because it's way too early and it came out of nowhere, but I don't know how much that warrants a screaming match. But the guy gave me a panic attack! Maybe something he said triggered something else, and I just flipped out because of whatever it was, but I wouldn't know that, would I? We never real-talk, we never talk about actual problems. Maybe there's something really wrong with me, but I don't know about it because I'm too focused on stuff that doesn't even matter. How sick is that?"

Tony scratched his nose.

"Or what if I know something's wrong with me, but I'm just using Hook to distract myself from facing it? What if I'm just avoiding my problems by making up new problems with him? What if I'm actually a lot deeper than I thought, and I'm purposefully trying to be shallow so I don't have to face the hurt?"

Tony stared at her, glassy-eyed.

"You're right," Ruby sighed. "I should talk to him about this. Thanks, Tony, you're such a good listener."