I think I finally got my mojo back. This chapter was satisfying and sad to write. Hopefully, you enjoy reading it!

So I know the last chapter was a bit confusing. This chapter will clarify things.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

xxx

March 2008: Cemetery

The rain beats down on my umbrella and I grip the handle tighter. Cold wind whips across my face and I shiver. It's only fitting that today is the coldest day in March in ten years. Alice grabs my hand, her face is a solemn as the rest of the people gathered round. I feel Edward's gaze on me from the side. I haven't spoken to him since he, my father and Esme arrived. My eyes catch my mother's red rimmed ones and I swallow back the surge of anger that threatens to erupt.

They lower the casket in the ground.

My brother.

The pastor instructs us to bow our heads in prayer.

Why bother. He's dead. No amount of praying is going to bring him back.

The pastor prays, but I pay no attention to the words. I still feel like I'm in a fucking nightmare, and I just want to wake up. This isn't how it's supposed to be. This isn't what was supposed to happen. If only I hadn't left, if only I paid more attention, if only-

If only. If only. If only.

If only doesn't matter now.

The prayer finishes and I watch my parents walk hand in hand to the casket and drop two roses on it. Leah lets out a sob, her fingers grasp onto my black dress as she buries herself against the material. I hold her shaking body and rub her back with my hand. Alice looks at her with sad eyes. She knows, she understands why this funeral is such a fucking fiasco.

"Leah," I whisper but she doesn't move. "Leah, it's our turn."

She hiccups but slowly untangles herself from me. Her hand grabs mine and walk to towards the casket.

With each step my brain conjures images that I don't want to see.

I'll never not see them.

It's like a sickness. It twists, turns and infects everything.

My breathing becomes labored, it's like seeing my parent's door all over again.

Please, can I just wake up now?

We reach the casket.

Everything is red.

All I see is him on his back, sprawled out on my parent's bed, red splattered across the white comforter, the walls, on him and brain matter splattered everywhere. The shotgun on the floor.

My body goes cold.

That scream I had let out.

All the tears I had cried.

I don't have any left now.

Leah drops to her knees, her hand grabbing her chest, heaving.

My mother rushes over and tries to help her up.

Leah goes rigid, her eyes flash dangerously. "Don't touch me," she hisses.

"Stop this," my mother whispers. To an outsider it probably looks like she's comforting her.

I can feel my rage bubbling and bubbling.

"Come on Leah," Alice whispers appearing beside us. "I'll take her."

Alice's eyes are hard. My mother only nods, not wanting to make a scene. Leah, gently takes Alice's hand and walks back to the rest of the group. My eyes fall back on the casket in the ground.

Why Seth?

Why?

I loved you.

My fingers dig into my palms. I welcome the sting.

Why wasn't that enough?

Why wasn't me loving you enough?

I drop the notebook on the casket. The pages filled with a story that will be forever left unfinished.

My body shakes slightly.

I just can't keep doing this.

But I will not fall apart. I've spent the last three days falling apart and I'm too tired to continue. My back straightens and I turn, walking back to Alice and Leah.

The funeral concludes and I watch with hateful eyes as women surround my mother, holding her and telling her how much of a good mother she is. How good my stepfather is.

It starts in my hands. That hotness that scorches everything, it slithers up my spine, spreading, infecting and I see red.

"Bella," Alice whispers.

I watch my mother and her husband start walking to the car.

He holds her hand.

She's crying.

I snap.

My feet are heading towards them. And I feel like I'm in a daze.

"Bella," Alice calls out.

I ignore her.

Edward, my father and Esme are in front of me and Edward's eyes widen at my expression. I can only imagine what it looks like. His mouth opens but I stalk right past them, not even glancing at them.

My stepfather sees me walking towards them. He looks bored.

I want to kill him.

I slam their car door shut. "This is your fault!"

My mother's eyes widen and his narrows.

My mother steps forward. "Bella, please-

"No!" I'm yelling and I know I shouldn't be, shouldn't be causing a scene even if everyone's mostly gone, but I'm too far past rational to care. "You did this, you both did this!"

My stepfather's eyes are cold and hard as he steps forward.

"You will stop this," he says. "This day has been hard enough on your mother and I, just how selfish are you?"

I just stand there staring at him. Staring at my mother's red, rimmed eyes, the tears falling down her cheeks.

Selfish.

Seth screaming, leaning over the porch railing. Charlie screaming as he beats him with that belt over and over again.

Selfish.

Seth crawling on the floor, hand sweeping back in forth, Charlie kicking his glasses just out of reach.

Selfish.

My mother's sharp eyes. "God why can't you just walk normally?" My brother limping because of his cerebral palsy.

I'm selfish.

The damn breaks. I'm on him before I fully realize.

"You sick son of a bitch," I scream. My hands hitting everywhere and he grunts. "I hate you!" I scream.

"Bella," it's my father.

But I don't care.

"You made him do this!" I continue hitting at him. "You're evil! You're a monster!"

He catches my hand and pushes me up against the car. My head smacks against the window.

"Charlie!" My mother screams, immediately trying to pry him off me. He turns and backhands her off him and she goes stumbling to the ground.

His hand his raised at me and I laugh. "Go on," I taunt and his face twists into a snarl. "Go on, hit me. Let everyone watch how your son blew his fucking brains out and you now hitting your other child," I whisper coldly.

He slams me against the car harder, his body pressed hard against me. My laughter keeps bubbling out of me.

I'm losing my fucking mind.

Suddenly he's pulled off of me. I lean over and vomit. Wiping my mouth off I watch him struggle against my father's hold. Edward looks like he's about to jump out of his skin.

My eyes slither back to Charlie's own hateful gaze to me.

I want him dead.

I spring back towards him.

Alice grabs my arm and pulls me away. "Let's go Bella."

"It should have been you," I scream as she pulls my fighting body back towards her car. "I wish you were dead!"

Edward runs towards us as my father says something to Charlie.

Alice and I reach her car and Edward cups my face.

"Bella." His eyes are frantic and hands are shaking.

I slap his hands away. "Just leave me alone."

Alice gets in the car and I follow her, shutting the door and lock it. His hand beats on the window.

"Bella, just open the door!"

"Just drive, just get me the hell away from here," I say refusing to look at Edward's frantic beating.

"Bella! Please!" He yells.

Alice starts the car and puts it in drive. Edward continues to beat the window as the car drives off, and I watch from the mirror him chasing after us before he stumbles to the ground.

Can I wake up now.

xxx

R.I.P. Seth.

Things in the story really take a turn now. Please let me know what you think!