Catarina stayed for two days, throughout which Magnus never left his bed, save the occasional trip to the bathroom. The door to his room remained closed and uninviting.

Magnus wouldn't let anyone touch him. Even when it was Alec trying to comfort him, or Catarina trying to fast-track the healing of his wrists, he panicked whenever someone's skin touched his own. Alec privately thought that Catarina might have left because she was getting too irritated with Magnus's lack of compliance.

When she did leave, she warned Alec again to be careful and not to let his boyfriend push him away. Truth be told, that was becoming more and more of a challenge. Sometimes Alec believed he was doing more harm than good by staying in the apartment, so he did as Catarina recommended and gave Magnus his space.

It was day three when the cats started to gather on the balcony. The first Alec knew of it was a scratching sound that he traced back to the glass doors, and he wandered over to ease the door open. Three cats immediately streamed into the apartment; one brown tabby, a short-haired calico missing half an ear, and a long-haired grey with a plumed tail and a jowly face. The animals immediately began weaving around Alec's legs, mewling piteously, obnoxiously.

"Okay," Alec absently soothed their whining. "Okay, give me a minute."

He hurried to the kitchen, frisking his way through Magnus's cupboards in search of something to feed them. There was no sign of any cat food; there was barely a trace of human food now Alec realised. He supposed Magnus hadn't had time to go shopping. Alec wondered if he even needed to buy anything when he could just make whatever he wanted appear with a snap of his fingers.

The cats had followed him and one of them clawed at his leg and meowed loudly, obviously impatient. Magnus was probably a lot more diligent.

"Alright—hey!" Alec complained as claws sunk through the fabric of his trouser leg. "A little patience would be nice!"

Searching for something he didn't know how to find was useless and Alec regretfully, hesitantly turned to wander back across the main room and approach the bedroom door. He hated disturbing Magnus when he felt like he wasn't wanted. Still, he lifted a hand and rapped his knuckles against the wooden surface.

"Magnus?" he called softly.

There was a moment of quiet before a voice murmured permission to enter.

Alec slipped into the room, closing the door behind him so as not the grant entry to the cats. His heart was heavy as his gaze flitted across Magnus, who sat cross-legged in the centre of the bed. Catarina's magic had healed his wrists and the bandages were gone. Somehow it was worse without physical proof because Magnus just looked so wrong and he had nothing to show for it.

The darkness beneath his eyes wasn't due to makeup now—Magnus hadn't so much as touched eyeliner in days—and the shade was even more prominent against the pallor of his face.

Clearly Magnus sensed his concern. "Do I look bad?" he asked, not out of vanity or actual worry for his looks. His voice was quiet and unused.

Alec shook his head instinctively, even though he knew it was a lie. "No, you just… you look tired. Did you sleep last night?"

Magnus glanced downwards, absently rubbing at his wrist—a movement which certainly did not go unnoticed by Alec. "I don't think so," he replied, and the nature of his words sent Alec wandering over to perch himself on the end of the bed. "I don't want to dream again. I don't like to take anything, but I think it might be time to make myself something so I don't have to dream tonight."

"Something like…?"

"It's harmless, Alexander. A sleeping draught for warlocks."

Alec nodded, still anxious regarding Magnus's actual state of mind. "Do you dream about… about what happened at the institute?"

A weak smile ghosted across Magnus's face, unamused but almost fond somehow. "I suppose it has a contribution," he mumbled, then sighed softly. "It's always worse when you're not with me… the dreams, I mean. They became less frequent after I met you, and when you shared this bed with me…"

He didn't finish that sentence and Alec worked his jaw a moment, considering his words. He hadn't realised he'd had that much of an effect on the warlock and to hear of the struggle of Magnus's life was always hard, but Alec was determined to learn from every word.

"I… I thought you needed space."

"I do," replied Magnus, lifting his heavy gaze to Alec once again. "I'm sorry. I know I'm not making a lot of sense…"

"Hey," Alec soothed. "Baby, it doesn't need to make sense. If you need space, then I'll give you space… I still want to be here for you, so I can't leave. I'm here if you need me, but I'm still here if you don't."

Magnus nodded, his eyes filled with gratitude suddenly. "Thank you, Alexander." He took a breath as if to continue, but lifted a hand to run through his hair and blinked softly. "Did you, uh… Did you need something? I thought I head you talking to someone out there."

"Oh, yeah, what do you feed your cats?"

Magnus blinked hard at the question. "What do I…? Oh, I don't—It's with magic."

"Hey, you don't have to—" Alec began to protest as Magnus climbed off the bed, and cut himself off. He should be encouraging any kind of movement that involved Magnus actually getting up and leaving the room.

Magnus didn't seem to notice his hastily aborted concerns, or, if he did, he didn't say anything about it. His pace was worryingly normal. Boring, Alec reflected in surprise and he came to realise that Magnus had a very distinct way of carrying himself, a flair that came naturally to the warlock, but there was none of that now. Apparently, Alec only noticed these traits once they weren't present.

He missed them. He missed Magnus, how he was before all of this had happened.

The cats were waiting outside the room for them and Alec winced softly as the calico stood on its hind legs to paw at Magnus's leg, fearing the warlock's reaction to such contact. Instead of flinching away like he had done with Alec, Magnus stooped down to haul the creature up into his arms, carrying it carefully in the direction of the kitchen.

Alec stood a moment, pondering. It occurred to him that perhaps it wasn't that Magnus didn't want to be touched, just that he didn't want to be touched by Alec. He quashed the thought down before anything could come of it. That didn't make sense. They loved each other; Magnus wouldn't close himself off from Alec specifically. He wouldn't do that. He knew how hard Alec was trying to help him.

Keeping a safe distance, Alec followed Magnus out onto the balcony, halting a few paces back when Magnus stopped to place the calico down. The warlock hesitated a moment before snapping his fingers, blue mist immediately shrouding his hand. He gestured it to the empty space and three bowls appeared, sloshing with cream. The cats steamed towards them and happily began lapping up their fill.

Magnus turned back to the apartment. Alec stepped aside for him and his boyfriend cast him a grateful glance in response to the space.

Back inside, the warlock happened to glance to the side and caught the reflection of himself in the mirror of his dresser. Wandering over, he leaned down a little to get a better look at himself. A hand lifted, almost absently, to touch his cheek, as if to make sure that was actually his own reflection. Alec watched him from a few paces back, struggling to keep the worry from altering his expression. Magnus didn't look like himself, that was clear enough.

"I'm a mess," murmured Magnus, the words spoken too blankly.

Alec shook his head. "You're beautiful."

Turning to lean back against the dresser a little, Magnus's hand came up to hold his opposite wrist. "You don't have to say that."

"It's the truth." Alec's eyes narrowed and he risked stepping half a pace closer. "You don't have to dress up all the time. I know you don't do it for anyone, I know it's just because you want to, but… you don't have to set such a high standard for yourself. You're allowed to just… relax every once in a while. Just because you're not wearing eyeliner or fancy clothes, it doesn't mean you're a mess. You're still you."

Magnus didn't reply, but Alec could see he wasn't convinced. Alec was saved from having to break the silence by a soft rushing that signified the enter of a fire message, and the shadowhunter lifted a hand to pluck it from the air as it came flying towards him. The edges smoked as he scanned his way through the note. His heart weighed heavy in his chest.

"What is it?" asked Magnus.

Alec swallowed hard, hesitating to tell him. "It's from Jace… The Clave wanted you to perform necromancy on Valentine's body. Apparently, they wanted to question him. There's still so many secrets he kept from The Clave."

Magnus shook his head. "That's insane. Wasn't Valentine enough for them at the start? They thought bringing him back would allow them to question him? Likelier than not, the effects of a necromancy spell would have left him… twisted. More so than he was. They wouldn't have been able to question him."

"There's… something else," admitted Alec, rereading the scrap of burned paper. "My father… he's been cleared of any wrongdoing and released from investigation, so have all the shadowhunters involved in your arrest."

Magnus inhaled deeply, a hand rubbing over his wrist. "I see," he murmured. "Released by the inquisitor I suppose."

"I doubt she had much of a choice," muttered Alec. "Robert's very influential."

Swallowing hard, Magnus turned his head away from Alec and the fire message. "Will he come after me again?"

"If he does, I'll kill him."

The warlock snapped his gaze up then, shock and panic entering his eyes. "Alexander…"

"I mean it," Alec promised, curling his fingers around the letter and crushing it within his hand. "If he ever tries to hurt you again, if he says anything—"

"Alexander," said Magnus, firmer this time. "Stop. Please, I don't want you to fight with your family on account of me. This isn't worth it."

Alec frowned, perhaps more confused and hurt than he'd ever been in his life. "You think you're not worth it…? You think I will ever be able to look at my father the same way again, after what he did to you? You're everything to me, Magnus. He's nothing." He shook his head, huffing out in disbelief. "You really think I wouldn't take your side on this?"

Magnus wouldn't meet his eyes now, gaze downcast and desolate. "I'm a downworlder," he reminded his boyfriend, as if Alec wasn't entirely aware of that. "The Clave likes to imagine they've come a long way, but little was changed with the accords. We're still demons to them, still second-class citizens. It can never improve until they start to view us as equals… Maybe that's something they just can't do."

Eyes closing, he lifted a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, head bowing slightly. Alec hurried closer, half-reaching for him when he remembered Magnus didn't like to be touched right now and he lowered his hand.

"Hey," he coaxed, worried now because Magnus didn't hint at weakness unless he had no choice. "Magnus, what is it?"

Magnus shook his head slowly. "It's nothing. I'm just a little dizzy."

A hand reached behind him to clutch at the edge of the dresser and Alec's brow pinched in an anxious frown. "Come and sit down, okay?"

Magnus hesitated a moment before nodding minutely, stumbling his way over to sit on the sofa, using the arm of the furniture to help himself down. Alec came to crouch in front of him as he hunched over his knees, hands clutching into his hair.

"Let me call Catarina back here, okay?" offered Alec, his expression pinching in concern when Magnus shook his head. "You're sick, Magnus. I know this is because of what Robert did to you. I know when you're in pain it brings up… things that you'd rather not think about. Things about your mother—"

"Don't," said Magnus, cutting him off with a sharp wave of his hand. "I don't want to talk about that."

For a moment, Alec said nothing, torn between apologising for his words and pushing the subject further. In the end, he did neither. "If I call Catarina," he began hesitantly, "will you let her help you?"

Magnus breathed out a heavy sigh, sitting himself up to lean against the back of the sofa, working his jaw unhappily. "I don't need help, Alec. I just need time."

"I just want to make sure that there's nothing physically wrong."

Magnus blinked slowly. His gaze remained measured, but Alec could see the lingering resentment behind it and he hated to see that look in the eyes of the man he loved. It panicked him to know that his efforts to help might just be driving a wedge between them.

"You think my brain's broken, right?"

"That's not what I meant."

Magnus huffed out an incredulous scoff, casting his gaze away from the shadowhunter. "You're so desperate to fix me… Did it occur to you that there's no way of fixing this? It's nothing physical. All the pain is inside… That can't be solved with magic or love or anything except time." He leaned forward, arms resting against his knees as he gazed down at Alec. "Will you give me time?"

Against every instinct to insist that it wasn't that simple, that Magnus needed real help and support, Alec took a deep breath and nodded.

"Whatever you need," he murmured and hoped beyond hope that he wasn't making a mistake.