Alec was trying to make dinner. Trying being the principal verb.

Magnus didn't have a lot in the kitchen and Alec didn't want to bother him; the warlock had been wandering about the apartment a little after he had fed the cats, and Alec hated to throw him off this new exploratory behaviour by leaving to get groceries. He needed to be here for Magnus. It was a kind of safety net complex the shadowhunter had developed.

As it was, he had to make do with what Magnus had, which honestly wasn't all that much. There were steaks in the freezer, carrots and potatoes in the cupboard. Alec would be damned if he couldn't manage to mash some potatoes and fry up some steaks—which even had instructions on the back. Even if he couldn't cook, Alec was pretty sure that he could read well enough.

The potatoes were boiling, steaks set out ready to cook, when there was a hard knock at the door.

Alec hurried his way out into the main room, waving a hand to Magnus, who was sat cross-legged on the sofa. The box—the one full of mementos from his past lovers—was open on the coffee table in front of him, along with things that Alec recognised, like the strip of photos from the booth in Tokyo, the omamori charm that Alec had bought for him. He shifted a little as the door sounded.

"Hey, I've got it," Alec assured him.

Magnus nodded, relaxing back onto the sofa. Striding to the door, Alec prised it open, expecting maybe Catarina or Jace, but it was no such fondness that he encountered.

Robert Lightwood stood in the hallway.

Alec cast a panicked glance back into the apartment before shoving a hand to his father's chest, forcing him back so he could close the door behind him. Magnus couldn't see them now. Alec didn't want him to see Robert, and he definitely didn't want his father anywhere near Magnus.

"What the hell are you doing here?" hissed Alec.

"You didn't come back to the institute," Robert replied and Alec simply stared because his tone was too calm, too matter-of-fact. "I wanted to remind you that you've been pardoned. You're allowed to come home."

"I am home," said Alec firmly, before an incredulous scoff left his lips. "You can't just show up here and act like everything's okay. Did you forget what you did? What you said to me?"

Robert's gaze remained unchanged. "How's Magnus?" he asked lightly, craning a look at the door over Alec's shoulder. "Guessing he isn't doing so well. No one's seen him in days."

Alec blinked hard, suddenly understanding. Whatever else had happened, his father still saw this as a win. Something had broken inside of Magnus. Robert had made that happen, all that ceaseless torture had done this to the warlock and Alec felt sick to his stomach to realise that his father relished in Magnus's pain. In their pain.

"You wanted this," Alec said, forcing the emotion from his voice and his eyes. "You wanted to break him, you knew he'd try and push me away… You thought I'd leave him and come crawling back to you… Even after everything you said to me, all that crap about how you hated me being gay, you thought I'd forgive you?"

"I'm your father, Alec. We're family."

"No," growled Alec, jabbing a finger against Robert's chest. "No, you don't get to say that to me. You have to earn that. I have a mother, a sister, two brothers, my boyfriend, but you…" He shook his head. "You're not my father. You're nothing to me now. If you come anywhere near Magnus or me again, I will end you like some target I never met."

He didn't turn around, not wanting to expose his back to his father, simply stepped backwards to open the door and step back through the threshold of the apartment.

"Alec," warned Robert, voice raised in displeasure. "You cannot cut me out of your life."

Alec gritted his teeth. "Watch me."

Slamming the door shut, Alec twisted the lock for good measure and turned to press his back against the door, just to feel the physical barrier between him and his father. His eyes opened, unaware they'd closed, and he found that Magnus wasn't on the sofa anymore. All his things were still on the table, but he wasn't there.

Alec cast a sweeping glance around the apartment, frowning softly at the breeze gusting in from between the open balcony doors. Magnus was out there, leaning forward with his hands braced against the wall, which wasn't unusual in particular, but there was something about his posture that was unnerving to Alec. When Magnus's hands slipped and he collapsed against the wall, the panic spurred Alec into a sprint.

Even from a distance, he could see the way Magnus clutched at his chest, could hear the desperate gasps of air racking his lungs.

"Magnus?" he called as he knelt in front of the warlock.

It startled him when Magnus clutched frantic hands into the front of his shirt, his entire body shuddering as he fought for breath. Alec grabbed his hands in turn, squeezing tightly if only to let Magnus know that he was actually there. He was here and he wasn't leaving.

"Magnus, what's happening? What do you need me to do?"

Magnus just shook his head, his trembling form hunching over in pain. The breaths he took were rapid and shallow, too fast and too faint, and Alec disentangled one of his hands to press it over Magnus's chest. The warlock's heart hammered against his palm. His chest heaved with every desperate inhale.

Alec used the same hand to rub anxiously over his shoulder. "Magnus, I think you're having some kind of panic attack. I need you to look at me and breathe, okay?" He clutched the back of Magnus's neck when his orders weren't followed. "Baby, look at me. You're breathing too fast; I need you to slow it down for me."

Magnus swallowed hard and gasped at the brief deprivation of air. "No," he wheezed, shaking his head again. "No, can't… I can't…!"

"You can, Magnus, I promise you can."

It took what felt like an age, but it could have only been a few minutes before Magnus's breathing calmed enough to be passable as normal. He let his head back against the wall, eyes closed as he exhaled a slow sigh. Alec couldn't tell whether it was relief at having overcome the attack, or simply to slow his breathing further.

He didn't ask.

"Hey, what happened?" coaxed Alec, sitting back to give Magnus some space. "Was there something that… that triggered this?"

Magnus swallowed hard, glancing away. The breath he inhaled was long and slow and, for a moment, Alec wondered if he would even reply. Still, he didn't push. He waited until Magnus was ready to talk and then he listened.

"I heard you talking with Robert," admitted Magnus, his eyes closing at his own words. "I heard his voice and everything just… just rushed back. Everything he did to hurt me… Everything he said while it was happening… All the pain just came back and hit me. I couldn't breathe."

Alec clenched his jaw, squeezing his eyes shut a moment to counter the heat. "Magnus, I will never forgive myself for what he did to you—"

"Alexander, don't blame yourself," said Magnus, his voice firmer than it had been in days. "What happened to me was your father's doing, not yours… You said you didn't care who my father was and it goes both ways. Whatever I feel for Robert does not reflect onto you."

Absently curling his hands into fists, Alec forced himself to look Magnus in the eye. "I wouldn't blame you… if you wanted him dead."

There wasn't a trace of emotion in the eyes that Magnus locked on him. "I won't kill your father… I'm not a murderer."

"I never said you were," murmured Alec, tilting his head a little apologetically. "I'm just saying… that it's okay. You never have to see him or hear his voice ever again. I'm cutting off all ties with him. I'm taking him out of our life."

Magnus closed his eyes again and Alec's gaze settled on the hand that Magnus gripped to his wrist. It was a new mannerism of his, as if holding himself was a reminder that he was free and his wrist wasn't burned anymore. Alec hated it. He hated that Magnus had to keep reminding himself that he was safe. Perhaps he despised himself for not ensuring an environment that Magnus automatically associated with safety.

Alec couldn't help but wonder if there was something more he could be doing to assist in hos boyfriends recovery.

"Hey, how about you come and sit down at the table," said Alec, wanting to help Magnus to his feet, but not wanting to trigger him again. "You need to eat something, okay?"

Magnus swallowed hard and nodded, clutching the wall to haul himself up. Alec moved with him, hovering close by in case his boyfriend fell again, but Magnus seemed okay now. As okay as he could be anyway. The look he cast at Alec was one of fondness and the shadowhunter gave him a nod to show that he understood.

Hurrying in ahead of Magnus, Alec rushed into the kitchen.

The water in the saucepan was boiling over. Cursing under his breath, Alec gingerly shifted it from the lit hob and to a mat on the counter, mopping up the overflowed water with a tea towel. The potatoes were soft and misshapen by this point. The steaks and preparing the potatoes only took about five minutes, but Alec felt terrible for making Magnus wait like that.

He hurriedly dished everything up onto two plates and brought them out to Magnus, who was slouched forward a little in the head chair of the table. It was wrong to see his posture so defeated, when before he had been so regal.

There was something in his hands, rested atop the table, and it didn't take Alec more than one look to realise that it was the omamori charm. It was easily recognisable, all red silk and embroidered in gold. Alec knew that Magnus carried it with him; the warlock had told him as much during his time trapped in Valentine's body. Perhaps Magnus found comfort in the object in times of strife.

Upon his approach, Magnus sat upright a little better and took his hands and the charm from the table so Alec could set the food down in front of him. He slipped the charm back into his pocket.

"I'm sorry if it's not… what you're used to," apologised Alec in advance, calling over his shoulder as he ran back for cutlery. "I left the potatoes on too long."

"I'm sure it's fine," Magnus said when he came back, glancing up to him with soft eyes. "Thank you, Alexander."

The sheer level of gratitude in his voice almost sent tears to Alec's eyes, but he forced himself to simply nod, sitting himself beside his boyfriend. Every reminder that Magnus's life had been so lacking in love before they met made Alec want to cry. Despite never having been in a relationship before, Alec was pretty sure making dinner wasn't an uncommon gesture.

In hindsight, Alec realised that maybe a fork wasn't the best for these particular potatoes. They were more liquid than solid. He cast an apologetic glance to Magnus, but the warlock didn't even seem to notice, absently scooping his fork into the overdone slop.

"You don't have to eat it."

Magnus gave a weak smile, but he couldn't quite manage to make it hold any kind of happiness. "It's not that," he said with a quiet sigh. "I just… I don't think I have much of an appetite."

Swallowing hard, Alec set his knife and fork across the plate. "You haven't eaten in days, Magnus… Warlock or not, it isn't good for you to go so long without food." He canted his head slightly, eyes narrowing in concern. "Have you at least been sleeping better?"

Again, Magnus tried to smile. This time, however, it didn't even touch his lips. "Alexander, I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me."

"Hey," murmured Alec, resting an arm over the table top between them. He had wanted to reach for Magnus's hand, but backtracked at the last moment. "You don't have to pretend with me. The things you said earlier… The attack you had, Magnus… I know you're not okay. Please, don't feel like you have to lie to me."

Magnus ducked his gaze, taking a deep breath that he exhaled as a sigh. "Just… let me pretend," he requested in a voice that was too small. "Let's just… be okay, just for a minute… just for this meal." He rubbed a hand over his healed wrist. "I just want everything to go back to normal."

Alec didn't answer. No answer was needed.

They spent the remainder of the dinner in silence. Alec couldn't help but notice how little Magnus actually ate, despite restlessly pushing food around his plate. Somehow Alec didn't think it was wholly to do with his less-than-perfect cooking. He told himself that Magnus just needed time to heal.

Yet, despite the warlock's wishes, Alec doubted that Magnus would ever really be the same again.