A/N- Sorry, I know I'm super late. It's a long one though; enjoy!

After dinner, Magnus tidied his box of mementos away, slotting it back into its place on the shelf beneath a few books. Having cleaned everything from dinner—half of Magnus's had been scraped into the bin—Alec watched him, his brow creased a little sadly. It wasn't even clear why he was upset, but something about the care of Magnus's movements got to him.

Magnus turned to fit their strip of photos from Tokyo into the corner of the frame of a large painting hung up in the entranceway. The omomari charm remained in his pocket. Magnus made his way back to the sofa and sat there timidly, not in the least bit relaxed, perched on the edge of the cushion.

Alec despaired to see him like that, so wary inside his own home.

Still, Magnus didn't seem completely unstable, so Alec decided it was as good a time as any to take a shower. He needed to think and there really wasn't a better place. Plus he hadn't washed in days due to stress. He excused himself to Magnus, who nodded his acceptance, waving a hand to dismiss him. Alec rushed deliberately, soaping up and washing off, drying and leaving in under five minutes. There wasn't all that much time to think it turned out, however he felt bad about leaving the warlock alone in the apartment.

Alec called to Magnus while he was dressing.

"Hey, when was the last time you had a shower?" he asked as he pulled a t-shirt over his head. "I know you can do it magically, but it might be nice to relax. I could run a bath for you if you like. How does that sound?"

There was no reply. The loft remained eerily quiet when Alec listened for a response.

"Magnus?"

Exiting the bedroom, Alec tried to seem nonchalant in his wander around the apartment. Wherever he was, Magnus surely wouldn't want to be rushed in on. Once he'd checked every room, however, did Alec begin to panic and his walk turned to a hurried run.

"Magnus?!" he yelled, although some traitorous part of his mind knew it was in vain.

The apartment was empty.

Alec immediately called Magnus's phone, but a ringing from inside the apartment made him hang up and he ran to the source to find Magnus's phone on the coffee table. Panicking now because he had no way of contacting his boyfriend, Alec called Catarina. She picked up almost instantly.

"Alec?"

"Magnus is gone," said Alec, raking a hand into his hair. "He was right here and I went for a shower and now he's gone. He left his phone."

"Okay, alright, try not to worry," Catarina urged, though her light tone was clearly forced. "I'm sure he's just taking a walk, getting some air, you know?"

Alec shook his head, although he knew she couldn't see. "Catarina, you know him. You know his past. You know when he got low before, he tried to…" He swallowed hard, unable to even finish that sentence, unable to even think about it. "You know what he's capable of," he settled on. "I can't just wait around on the assumption that he's planning on coming back."

"If he doesn't want to be found then I don't know how much of a chance you have of finding him," said Catarina, but she followed with, "do you want help?"

Alec considered it a moment. "It's probably best if I go alone," he decided. "Magnus might not be thankful for being crowded."

"You'll let me know when he's safe, won't you?"

When, Alec thought despondently, but he agreed all the same. He hoped that he didn't mean so little to Magnus that the warlock would leave this world without so much as a note.

Ending the call with a quick farewell to Catarina, Alec hurried over pulling on his jacket before he rushed out of the front door. Out of panic rather than knowledge, he headed for the Hunter's Moon. He knew Magnus frequented the bar and it was a regular haunt for a number of downworlders. Even if the warlock wasn't there, perhaps someone could tell Alec where to look next.

The familiarity of the place formed a lump in Alec's throat and he cast a sweeping glance around the setting. He and Magnus had gone on their first date in this bar. Now, it didn't take him more than a glance to know that Magnus wasn't there. Maia was behind the bar and she frowned at him as he came hurrying over, clearly sensing his anxiety.

"Have you seen Magnus tonight?" asked Alec, too panicked for any kind of formal greeting as he leaned against the counter, wedged between two barstools.

Maia shook her head. "No, not for a while now. Is everything okay?"

"No, he's…" Alec ran a hand down his face, choosing his words. His boyfriend definitely would not appreciate the entire downworld knowing about his situation. "Magnus isn't in a good place right now, Maia. I need to find him before something happens. Do you have any idea where he might be?"

"Well, what happened?" Maia queried, a worried crease to her brow.

Alec clenched his fists atop the counter. "Right now, I just really have to find him. Please, if you know where he could be or… or if there's anyone you can think of who might know…"

"I assume you tried the loft," Maia said, so obviously that is wasn't even posed as a question. "Did you check Pandemonium? Or The Hotel Dumort? Raphael knows him better than I do."

Alec clenched his jaw a little. The last thing he needed right now was to risk a fight with the leader of the most powerful vampire clan in New York; he and Raphael weren't exactly on the best of terms after what had happened with Isabelle. Alec still hadn't completely forgiven him for that.

Still, he thanked Maia for her suggestions and hurried his way from the bar, heading for the nightclub Pandemonium. Magnus still owned the place, but, as far as Alec was aware, he hadn't been in there for at least a couple of months.

Alec didn't actually like nightclubs. That was apparent from everything about him.

The alleyway down to Pandemonium was teeming with nightlife. Men and women in revealing outfits, adorned with lace and leather, loitered along the walls, taking and kissing and drinking with one another. With his glamour up, Alec slipped past them unseen.

The doors to the club were locked when Alec tried to open them and he slipped his stele out, tracing the unlock rune beneath the door handle.

The inside of the building was empty and desolate, a light layer of dust gathering upon the bar counter and glass rims. The lights were all off. Moonlight filtered through the windows to send ghostly shafts sprawling across the floor. Silence crushed heavy over the darkened room.

"Magnus?" Alec called, his voice echoing strangely. "Magnus, you here?"

Even without searching around, he knew the club to be empty. No one had been in here for months, probably even since Valentine had started hunting warlocks in search of the spell to revive Jocelyn. The reminder of that day made Alec forlorn. He could have very easily lost Magnus before even getting the chance to know him.

Worse than the memory was the realisation that he was now out of leads.

A twinge of hope convinced Alec that maybe Magnus had gone back home. Perhaps he'd just missed him in this small window of time and, if he went back to the loft, Magnus would be there and he'd have a perfectly reasonable explanation for running off on him. Alec really needed to hold onto that hope because now it was all he had.

He turned heel from the desolate nightclub and retraced his steps back through the streets of Brooklyn.

Back home, Alec searched the loft once again, but again it yielded the same results as before. Magnus wasn't here.

Wandering into the bedroom, Alec sat on the edge of the bed, pressing his forehead into his hands. Heat stung his eyes and he cursed softly, pushing the tears back before they could fall and sucking in a heavy breath to steady his nerves.

"Okay," he whispered, breathing deeply. "Okay, okay…"

He had two options.

Option one, he could give up. He could go to sleep and hope Magnus was here when he woke up in the morning. That was the easy option. The cowards option. Option two, he could keep trying. He could go out and search for Magnus, call Catarina again to help, search The Hotel Dumort. That was the difficult option. It would take effort.

The front door clicked before he could decide. There was a heavy step and a soft curse and Alec shot upright, rushing into the main room.

Magnus was closing the front door with clumsy movements, clearly quite heavily intoxicated if the fumble of his hands on the doorknob and the way he leaned against the door was anything to go by.

"Where the hell have you been?" Alec demanded, rushing forward to grab Magnus's shoulders, forgetting for a moment the no touch rule.

Apparently, Magnus forgot too. Either that or he'd been drinking too much to care anymore; Alec could smell the alcohol now. "I went to a nightclub," admitted the warlock, not bothering to wrench himself from Alec's grip. He waved a hand dismissively when Alec frowned. "It's low profile. You don't know it."

"Magnus, what were you thinking? I've been worried sick," Alec said, struggling to sound angry when all he felt was fear and concern. "Do you have any idea what I've had going through my head? You could've been dead for all I knew and you were at a nightclub?!"

Magnus scoffed, finally prising himself from Alec's grasp. "Relax," he muttered, taking a shaky step back. "It's not like I threw myself off the balcony. I'm not that low."

"Don't even say that," pleaded Alec, shaking his head. "Please, don't even joke about that. Nothing about this is funny."

Magnus hummed his agreement. "Well, I'm not laughing."

He staggered suddenly and Alec lunged to catch him, pulling Magnus's arm up over his shoulders. Wordlessly, he supported Magnus over to the bedroom. The warlock mumbled under his breath, something that Alec didn't catch and didn't bother to chase up. He was too angry to care about Magnus's drunken ramblings.

Magnus was all but unconscious by the time Alec got him into the bedroom. Lifting him onto the bed, Alec carefully turned him onto his side, using two fingers to tilt his chin up a little further. The last thing he needed was Magnus choking on his own vomit. He went to grab a bucket from the cupboard under the bathroom sink, wandering back to place it on the floor beside the bed.

Sitting himself on the edge of the bed, Alec stared down at Magnus. He tried to maintain the anger, but Magnus looked so pitiful curled up there on the bed, eyes rolling every so often beneath closed eyelids. Alec smoothed a hand through Magnus's hair, sighing softly.

"You're an idiot," he murmured. "You know that, right…? Why couldn't you just let me help you?"

Magnus didn't answer. He was completely out of it by now.

Alec shook his head and set about removing Magnus's shoes before ducking to bring a spare blanket out from under the bed. He spread it over Magnus's body, tucking it around him.

He didn't climb in beside him. Magnus would definitely not appreciate being touched when he was more lucid. Instead, Alec left the room. He kept the door wide open, just in case of the slim possibility that Magnus needed him during the night, and made his way over to the sofa to spend the night.

The harsh morning light woke Alec and he sat up with a soft grunt. He stretched out the knot in his back, linking his fingers and bringing his arms high above his head, arching back so far that his spine cracked and popped to relieve the ache. Sleeping on the sofa had done him no favours.

With a heavy sigh, he hauled himself up from the sofa cushions and walked lethargically into the kitchen. A picked a glass from the cupboard and filled it to the brim with tap water before carefully making his way to the bedroom, setting the glass down on the bedside table and sitting himself on the edge of the bed.

Magnus had his face half-buried against the pillows, mouth agape and eyes closed in deep sleep. His breaths came out deep and heavy. It was strange for him to be so inelegant, even while unconscious. There was a shallow pool of vomit in the bucket on the floor beside the bed.

"Hey," Alec muttered, relieved when his voice made Magnus stir faintly. "You awake?"

Magnus hummed softly, head rolling against the pillows. His eyes didn't open, but he mumbled and dipped a small nod of confirmation in response to Alec's query. The shadowhunter took the water from the table. He slipped a hand beneath Magnus's head, pressing the rim of the glass to his lips to coax them apart.

"Drink this."

Magnus grunted softly, but complied. He gulped down the water eagerly, draining the glass in seconds and gasping for breath once it was done. Alec harshly set the glass back down and the unnecessarily loud sound startled Magnus's eyes open.

"What was that about last night?"

Magnus squinted up at the shadowhunter, his eyes bleary and dull. "I don't even know what I said," he grumbled, absently wiping his sleeve against his mouth.

"Yeah, because you were too drunk to remember."

The tone of his voice was too harsh, too judgemental, Alec knew that. He couldn't stop it. Magnus had scared him last night and that wasn't okay. Nothing about last night had been okay, between Alec flitting to Magnus's frequented areas, to his boyfriend stumbling back into the apartment only to collapse almost unconscious from the sheer quantity of alcohol.

Alec took a deep breath, struggling to find the words. "Magnus, I thought you were…" He couldn't finish and his eyes closed, lifting a hand to run through his hair. "You've been low recently, and I know it's for a good reason. I know you might have needed some time away to just… get it out of your system, but…"

Magnus canted his head, eyes narrowed against the light as he lowered his arm from his face. "Alec, what were you so afraid of?"

"I was afraid you wouldn't come back, okay?" said Alec, letting it all pour out because he needed Magnus to understand. "I was scared that I'd get a call from Catarina to tell me that she couldn't feel your magic anymore. I was scared about what you might have done while you were feeling like that…"

Taking a breath, Magnus let the exhale out as a slow sigh. "I should never have told you about Blackfriars bridge," he murmured and it was so unexpected that Alec physically took a step back. "It was selfish to tell you. I've just made you worry."

"That's the message you're taking away from that?" Alec spluttered incredulously. "Magnus, I'm glad you told me."

"Really?" scoffed Magnus and Alec reeled at the bitterness in his voice. "You're glad you spent the whole night worried that I'd gone out to kill myself?"

Alec swallowed hard, sitting himself on the edge of the bed. "I just want to help you..."

Magnus quietened then, his expression falling free from any hint of irritation. It was worse somehow. Now there was no emotion at all, just a numbing blankness painted across Magnus's face, hollowing his eyes and sealing his lips.

It was wrong to see him so numb.

Magnus himself wasn't faring much better. It was wrong to feel so numb. Alec loved him, he kept proving it every day he stayed with whatever broken shell was left of Magnus, but the warlock couldn't feel it. He couldn't feel the warmth that he had used to experience whenever Alec was around. Nothing made him feel like that anymore.

Alec was looking at him strangely.

Seemingly without caution, Alec leaned forward and kissed him. Unthinkingly, Magnus sunk into it, his hands settling to Alec's waist, giving a stifled moan as the shadowhunter cupped his face, pulling him in closer and closer until it was just him. It was a forceful reminder of their first night together. His mind started to regress.

This memory was used as a blockade to his past, a shield that took every hit, pain crashing against it again and again until nothing but agony was left. The runes burned against his skin and Magnus pulled back with a shaky gasp, using an arm across Alec's chest to keep him back.

"I'm sorry," Alec apologised immediately, trying to push Magnus's arm away but it wouldn't yield. "Sorry. Was I hurting you?"

Magnus shook his head, still breathless, still heaving for air. The runes weren't burning him. There were no runes. Magnus would have preferred to be back in that cell than to confirm what his mind was doing to him. Alec had pushed his arm down and reached to his shoulder. In a desperate abruptness, Magnus pushed himself up and stepped back, arms wrapped around himself as if to try and protect his body from that pain.

"Please, don't touch me," he muttered, hating the words that poured from his mouth. "I can't..."

"Okay," Alec agreed with a nod of understanding, rising from the bed but not making another move to touch him. "Okay, I won't touch you... Can you at least tell me why?"

Heat burned his eyes and Magnus shook his head, knowing the tears would break if he tried to talk.

Alec swallowed hard, his hands clenching briefly into fists. "Magnus, I know it was my father who did that to you, but I'm not him. I'll never be him; I'd never do anything to hurt you."

Again, Magnus shook his head. "It's not that," he said.

"Then what?"

Magnus took a breath. He didn't want to get into it but Alec deserved a reason.

"When I was being tortured, I used my memories of you to prevent my mind from falling to the past," Magnus explained concisely, taking deep breaths to counter the tears. "Now I can feel that pain every time you touch me and I can't... I can't cope, Alec, I can't..."

Alec watched him a moment, noting the tears in his eyes and the pain in his voice, the stubbornly protective arms he had wrapped around himself. "It's alright," he murmured, his voice softening with his gaze. "We don't have to touch. I won't touch you… Just sit with me, will you?"

Magnus watched him a long moment before hesitantly coming to his side. Both moved to simultaneously sit on the edge of the bed. Alec pinched and scratched his hands; Magnus slowly rubbed up and down both of his wrists in turn. Each had their own coping mechanisms. Alec hurt his hands to distract from the emotional pain. Magnus tried to soothe the phantom pains in his wrists with light touches across his skin.

They sat in silence, trying to cope and failing to do so. If something didn't improve soon, it would only be a matter of time before something broke in their relationship. Something that may never be fixed.