It was difficult for both of them. Alec kept making hastily aborted movements to touch Magnus, and part of Magnus longed for him to go through with it every time. The majority of him was just terrified that he could never feel Alec again without being in pain. He spiralled downwards very quickly after that realisation, falling into bad habits of insomnia and bouts of constantly low moods.

The suicidal tendencies had faded from his behaviour, so that was something of a victory. Magnus suspected that was the result of the group therapy Alec had pressured him into. Thank god he had been so persistent. There were some terrible stories from people, abuse survivors and dismissed soldiers all sharing their tales, but there was something freeing about it too.

All their stories made Magnus realise that he didn't want to die. He wanted to be with Alec. He wanted the shadowhunter to be happy to stay with him. Getting better was only half for himself. He would recover for Alec.

Magnus hadn't spoken about his most prominent trauma. He needed a cover story so as not to sound absolutely insane. Still, when prompted, he had mentioned a few problems with his father, the psychological and physical abuse he had put Magnus through when he was younger. The group leader—a man named Aiden—knew there was something else, but he was satisfied enough for Magnus to move at his own pace. One of the group members had even approached Magnus after his first time speaking to tell him how brave he was for saying what he had said.

He didn't feel brave, but he smiled anyway and thanked her for her words.

It had only been three weeks, three sessions with the group, so things were far from perfect. In fact, just two days after his first time speaking in therapy, Alec woke at an ungodly hour at very early morning to discover Magnus having a breakdown on the balcony. Boundaries forgotten briefly, Alec grabbed him in a desperate embrace and dragged him inside, apparently just too afraid to have him out at such a height, knowing his history all too well, not wanting to have a repeat of last week.

Back inside the apartment, Magnus fought his way from Alec's hold, arms wrapped around himself, his rushed words so broken by sobs that the sentence didn't even form. Alec risked a light touch to his wrist and Magnus heaved in a shuddering breath, twitching, wanting to pull his hand away, but not quite managing to implement the action. It didn't hurt.

"I'm sorry," he had whispered in the darkness, tears in his eyes and his voice. "I'm afraid. I'm sorry."

After that night—once he saw just how badly Magnus was suffering—Alec dared to test the waters a little. It started small, just brushing his hand against Magnus's own every so often, infrequently enough that it could be accidental. Magnus said nothing to deter him. He wanted to get better and maybe easing into it slowly was the way to go.

On Alec's part, an effort was also being made. He was trying to learn Indonesian from a website teaching languages, just so he could maybe understand what Magnus was mumbling in his sleep. It was a slow process, but Alec had determination and time. He was even learning how to tell whether Magnus was asleep or not by his breathing patterns. More often than not, he was awake. There was nothing so distancing than lying beside one another, both wide awake, but neither saying a word. Alec couldn't even hold him; he wouldn't risk hurting Magnus just to make himself feel better. He refused to be selfish.

Alec hated leaving for work. He would tell Magnus over and over to just call if he needed anything, that he could come to the institute whenever he wanted, that Alec would come home if Magnus asked. The warlock would usher him out the door, insisting that he'd be fine and that Alec would be late if he kept dawdling. He was always there when Alec came back, but the shadowhunter still worried. How could he not after what had happened.

"You know I love you, don't you?"

The mattress shifted a little to accommodate Magnus rolling onto his back. He always slept on his front or his side. Alec just knew that about him, and he held every snippet of knowledge about Magnus as if it were the most important information. Despite it being almost midnight, they both lay wide awake in their shared bed.

"Yes," said Magnus and his voice came a whisker above a whisper, "Alexander, I know. Why would you ask me that?"

Alec sighed softly, just a breath in the darkness. "I just had to make sure you know. I love you, and I'm so… I'm so proud of you for taking part in the group sessions. I know it must be hard, but you're doing so well."

That was all the support he needed and Magnus shifted to kiss Alec's temple, a show of gratitude for his words. He was ready now.

"Does anyone else want to speak?"

Magnus glanced around the circle, not wanting to interrupt anyone else, but no hands went up so he raised his own. It was always a raise hands situation in the group. They met in a small office room normally used for lunch or the more casual meetings, but, at six in the evening, most of the employees had vacated the building already and the manager lent out certain rooms to rehabilitation groups such as this one.

"Magnus," said the group leader as a way of acknowledgement, nodding to him encouragingly. "Go ahead."

Taking a breath, Magnus nodded and rubbed a hand to the back of his neck. "I haven't… I haven't been completely open. I talked about my father, but that was years ago now, and there's something else that was a lot closer…" A bitter huff left his lips. "Turns out my dad isn't my main issue at the moment. My boyfriend's father… I guess he didn't approve of us being together…"

He paused a long moment, wiping a hand down his face as he struggled to word his thoughts. The circle was watching him sympathetically, so he assumed they were all guessing it wasn't good. Still, he didn't speak for a while, absently chewing the nail of his thumb.

"Magnus," Aiden coaxed and Magnus hummed and nodded to acknowledge him. "It's okay. You don't need to get into it if you don't want to. Take a breath. Keep talking if you can."

Following his advice, Magnus took a steady inhale, releasing it as a slow sigh.

"He hurt me," he admitted finally. "It was bad. My boyfriend tried to stop him, but… by the time he got to me, the damage was done. Now every time I touch him… all I can feel is what his father did to me." He swallowed thickly. "I guess I'm just afraid that's all I'll ever feel… He's not something I can distance myself from like all the other triggers. I can't… I don't want to leave him. I love him."

Aiden regarded him a long moment. "Why do you think you're associating him with something his father did?"

Magnus shook his head. "I'm not… Not really."

"Then it shouldn't be triggering you to be with him," said Aiden. "It's just your mind playing tricks with you."

"Aiden, can I…?" another one of the group members said, and Aiden gestured to her. "Maybe you should try doing something new," she suggested, "with your boyfriend. Something you haven't done before. It might help you to associate him with a new, better memory rather than an old, painful one."

Blinking hard, Magnus reflected on that a moment. "That's… worth a try," he murmured, casting her a weak smile.

"You're so brave for staying with him," she said. "He's a lucky man to have someone so devoted."

Magnus shook his head, swallowing thickly. "He's not lucky. I'm a mess. He has to deal with me every time I have a breakdown." He absently wiped the back of his hand to his eyes, cautious even though no tears had fallen. "Only last month, he… he had to talk me out of… doing something really stupid."

Aiden cast him a sympathetic look. "Is that something you'd like to talk about?"

Shaking his head again, Magnus forced a sad smile. "No, not… not today. I'm done for today."

"Okay," Aiden murmured gently. "Thank you for sharing, Magnus."

Aiden talked a little about the group as a whole, about how it was so important for them to continue coming here and talking to one another, about how he knew how hard it was and that what they were all doing was braver than any of them realised. They disbanded at six as usual. Magnus gave a few mumbles of farewell and nodded acknowledgements to people congratulating him for speaking.

He walked home.

It wasn't something he often did due to the building the group met at being a considerable walking distance from his apartment, across the river in Manhattan. Usually, he would slip into a secluded alleyway and portal back, but not this time. He wanted to think.

The sun was sinking down between the buildings. Magnus stayed on the bridge a moment to watch it fade, watched the clouds turn pink and orange in the sunset. Standing there, seeing the unique light splash colour across the sky, Magnus considered just not going back to the loft. He could be anywhere in the world with a snap of his fingers. He could go to Iceland and watch the Northern Lights, he could go to Bolivia to see where the sky touches the earth, he could swim the Great Barrier Reef.

Magnus breathed a sigh into the air.

There was nothing he hadn't done a hundred times already in the course of his long, long life. He realised suddenly that it wasn't that he was bored of seeing the world. It was that he was tired of seeing it alone. The only thing he really wanted right now was his boyfriend. The desperate need for Alec to hold him was overpowering his fear of pain.

He whipped up a portal before that need faded, stepping through and arriving in the entrance of his loft. Alec was sat on one of the sofas, nursing a mug in his lap, but he stood at Magnus's arrival, setting his cup on the coffee table as he came to greet him.

"Hey, how did it go—"

Alec's query cut off abruptly when Magnus strode right up to slump against his chest, his arms tight around the shadowhunters waist. It didn't hurt even when Alec lifted a hand to settle over his back.

"Hey…" he greeted in an uncertain whisper, smoothing his palm down Magnus's spine. "Are you okay? Did something happen?"

Magnus shook his head, pulling back just enough so that he could stare up at Alec's face. "No, I just… I love you and I missed you, and I'm sorry I've been distant. It's awful and I hate not being able to touch you because I love you. I love you so much and I think it hurts more to be apart from you than it does to be triggered by you."

Alec's eyes narrowed and he gently prised himself away. "I love you too, Magnus, but I don't want you to be in any pain. We can try and take it slow, but I need you to be honest with me and say something if it starts to hurt." He lifted his hand to brush his knuckles across Magnus's cheek, so light that it barely touched at all. "I'm here for you, okay? You'll never been apart from me. I'll always be here."

Hot tears swamped Magnus's eyes and he wrapped his hands into the front of Alec's shirt, trying to shake him, to chastise him because he was being so sappy and stupid, and because he was so wonderful that it was making Magnus want to start sobbing. He wondered exactly when he had become so emotional.

Biting his lower lip, Magnus simply dropped his head into the crook of Alec's neck, inhaling a forcibly deep breath. This man in front of him was his entire world. Magnus knew for certain that he would be dead without Alec; he might have even been killed the night they first met if Alec hadn't let that arrow fly. The shadowhunter had been protecting him even as far back as that initial meeting.

A twinge of pain circled his wrists and he slowly unravelled his hands from Alec's shirt, taking a step back to rub over each of his wrists in turn.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, unsure of what else to say.

Alec just shook his head. "Don't be," he said. "I know it's still early, but you really should get some rest. I know you haven't been sleeping well. I hear you pacing around at night sometimes, talking to the cats; I figured you needed your space." He hesitated a moment. "Do you want me to sleep in here tonight? You can have the bed to yourself."

Magnus blinked up at him, softening his gaze. "No," he replied, lifting a hand to very briefly touch Alec's arm. "I don't want that. I need you with me… Is that okay?"

Nodding his confirmation, Alec cupped Magnus's hand to bring to his lips, pressing a ghost of a kiss to his knuckles before letting him go. "That's perfect, sweetheart… Let's go to bed."