A/N- I have a valid excuse this time! Moving out is hectic.
A steady silence lay across the room, broken only with soft, slow breaths of deep sleep from the couple in the bed. They had fallen asleep in each other's arms, but separated sometime in the night, shifting in their sleep to allow for a few inches of space between them. When Magnus started twitching and shifting in the throes of a nightmare, it didn't manage to wake Alec.
Around a half an hour later, Magnus's eyes snapped open and he sat up with a ragged gasp, a hand clutching at the opposite wrist as if to try and break the shackles from his dream. There was nothing there, though, no chains or harsh lighting or steles. The pain was gone too. He was in bed, at home; the mattress creaked and dipped beneath him as Alec pushed himself to sit up beside him.
"Hey," he murmured, separating Magnus's hands and rubbing along his wrists. "It's okay. It was just a dream."
Magnus turned to face him and his eyes immediately softened. Alec's hair was a mess, dark locks sticking up on one side and pressed flat on the other from where his head had been resting against the pillows. Despite that, he was wide awake, as he always was when Magnus's nightmares woke them both at such ungodly hours.
"Do you need your charm?"
Once the attacks became a regular ordeal, Magnus had quickly discovered that nothing helped more than simply holding that omamori charm that Alec had given him after their date in Tokyo. It was a grounding technique, similar to Magnus using memories of Alec to keep from falling back to his past traumas during the torturing process.
Even before all this, Magnus had always carried the charm with him. Now it wasn't just for sentimental reasons, because there were too many triggers for Magnus's attacks. The feeling of something tight around his wrists was too similar to the shackles, so he had stopped wearing bracelets. Alec's father was thoroughly avoided after just seeing him around the institute had Magnus stumbling into Alec's room to have an attack in some privacy. On bad days, even a lit stele or a similarly shaped rune could set him off.
"Magnus?"
"I'm alright," he replied. His breathing was fine and there was no tightness in his chest or his throat; this felt different. "It was just a dream. I'm not having an attack."
He leaned his full body against Alec, cheek pressed against his collarbone. The shadowhunter enveloped him in his arms, dropping a kiss to the crown of his head and settling back against the pillows with Magnus hugged against his chest.
"I know you don't feel like it, but you should really try and go back to sleep," murmured Alec, a hand running absently through his boyfriend's hair.
Magnus shook his head against Alec's shoulder. "I'm sorry, I don't… I don't think I can, Alec." He breathed heavily, focusing on this moment, refusing to be swayed by another. "Just… hold me like this, will you?"
Alec pressed another kiss to his head. "Whatever you need, sweetheart. I'm right here."
Magnus was awoken by a hand in his hair, stroking back over his head. Soft lips pressed a light kiss to his temple and he murmured and tried to open his eyes.
"It's okay, it's just me," Alec's voice reassured. "I'm just heading to the institute, okay? I'll be back as soon as I can."
Don't go, Magnus wanted to plead with him, don't leave me, but his mouth wouldn't form the words. Being woken by nightmares just a few hours prior had apparently been more of an ordeal that he had been willing to admit at the time. Magnus was exhausted. He just ended up grunting something reminiscent to acknowledgement.
Alec was gone when he woke again. The bedsheets sat cold and empty beside him.
Magnus huffed out a breath and sat up, running a hand down his face and up into his hair. There was a weight in his chest, like some foreboding that today would drain him. Usually, he would talk to Alec about this. Judging by the cold bedsheets, Alec had left a while ago. Happening to glance over to the side, Magnus frowned softly and reached to pluck a scrap of paper from the bedside table.
Gone to work—wasn't sure if you were awake enough to hear me leave. Back this afternoon around five. I love you. Alec x
Magnus closed his eyes and held the paper against his chest, hoping it would act as some substitute to ease the weight. It didn't. He didn't want Alec's handwriting, he wanted Alec. It was foolish, Magnus knew he couldn't have Alec, not right now anyway; the shadowhunter was at work. As much as Magnus wanted to see him, he couldn't bother Alec at work.
Still, he could make up some excuse, he supposed.
Magnus hadn't even fully debated his options before his body was making the decision for him, and he was climbing out of bed, heading to the wardrobe. His gaze scanned his selection of clothes. The better he dressed, the better he could feel. That was Magnus's theory.
He picked out a dark, high collared shirt and red patterned jacket, black jeans with a chained belt. With a flick of magic, he had his nails painted a dark red, the same coloured streaked through random locks of his hair. He adorned his fingers with an assortment of rings, his throat fastened with necklaces and pendants.
When it was done, he stared at himself in the body-length mirror in the door of the wardrobe. It was in a dissociative way that he lifted a hand to press against the mirror, his fingers spread wide, fingertips braced hard into the reflective surface. There was some sharp tug in Magnus's stomach, and a flash of red ricocheted across the mirror, shattering it into a thousand tiny pieces.
Magnus cursed and took a frantic step back, his hands shaking as he whipped a portal into creation. It terrified him when his magic acted instinctually. He needed Alec.
The portal spat Magnus out on the lawn of the institute and he stumbled a little as his feet hit solid ground. He paused a moment, closing his eyes briefly and listening to the portal snap shut behind him. He had never used to be so unsteady.
Lifting his head, Magnus stared at the institute for a full minute, trying to quash the fear settling deep and heavy in his stomach. However, before he could muster the courage to walk up the stairs, one of the doors opened and an unexpected figure appeared.
"Magnus?" Andrew Underhill queried gently, coming halfway down the steps. "Are you here for Alec?"
Unsure of what else to do, Magnus nodded stiffly.
"Okay," Underhill said slowly, beckoning him up. "Come on then. I'll take you to him."
The escort was all too welcome, but Magnus's legs wouldn't move. The last time he had been in this building, he'd been dragged off into the cells and tortured. His mind refused to let him forget that apparently.
"Hey," said Underhill, coming down to stand beside him and hesitantly touching his arm, as if unsure contact would be welcome. "It's okay. Nothing like what happened last time will ever happen again. I swear to you." Magnus nodded, but didn't speak. "I can ask Alec to come and meet you out here if that's easier. You don't have to come in."
Magnus shook his head. "No, that's alright."
He forced the breath he took to be silent and began the climb up the steps. Underhill strode to open the door for him, leading the warlock through the entranceway, waving a hand to a questioning guard and giving the brief but firm explanation, "he's with me."
Magnus tried to hold himself with pride, but it was difficult when he couldn't feel it. He just worked on keeping his breathing steady and his chin level, ignoring the stares he could feel his presence was attracting. Everyone in this building knew what had happened. Many of them had helped him. The rest of them hadn't.
Underhill led him to a small group gathered around one of the screens. Jace and Clary were pointing at something on the screen, some map or other, and glancing back to Alec, who stood behind them, nodding every so often with a thoughtful furrow to his brow.
"Alec," said Underhill to get his attention, gesturing to Magnus when the shadowhunter glanced back at the sound of his voice.
Alec's eyes went a little wider before narrowing and softening as he uncrossed his arms and came to stand in front of Magnus.
"Hey, is everything okay?" he asked, canting his head a little.
Magnus parted his lips without even knowing what to say. He couldn't explain himself in front of the rest of the group. It wasn't that he didn't trust them, he just couldn't expose himself like that; he wasn't ready.
Fortunately, he was saved from having to answer.
Alec's attention flicked over Magnus's shoulder and his expression twisted in something reminiscent to disgust. He absently touched Magnus's upper arm.
"Stay here a moment, okay?"
Confused, Magnus just nodded. It was when he turned around to watch after Alec that he froze up. Barely ten paces away from him was Robert Lightwood.
Alec grabbed his father's arm and pushed him back a step.
"What the hell are you doing here?" demanded Alec in an undertone, cutting his father off when Robert opened his mouth. "I told you I didn't want to see you again. I told you if you came near Magnus—"
"I didn't know he was going to be here," Robert replied smoothly. "But, now that he's finally out and about, this would be an opportunity to deliver a formal apology for any discomfort he received during the mistrial."
Magnus felt sick.
He didn't believe that Robert was apologising of his own accord. The man did not hold a trace of regret for his actions and whatever apology he had planned had certainly been chosen word-for-word by The Clave. Alec's father had had everything intention of killing him. He had tortured Magnus with no hesitation.
It was too much. The institute and Robert and everyone's runes on full display, stele's flashing here and there to operate the screens; it was overwhelming. Magnus swallowed against the lump in his throat. He couldn't breathe.
"Excuse me," he managed to utter, breaking away from the group and stumbling to an adjacent hallway.
A hand clutched over his heart once he was out of sight, but he didn't stop walking. He knew where he was and it was only around the corner, if he could just make it there then he might be alright. His vision was darkening, his wrists burning. For a time, he thought he might die right then and there.
By some miracle—and support from the wall—Magnus staggered around the corner and almost ran the final few paces before shoving open the door and collapsing into Alec's room. His knees hit the floor and he scrambled to slam the door shut behind him. Ragged breaths heaved his chest as he crawled to the side of the bed, sitting back against it and grabbing a fistful of quilt to pull up against his face.
Every breath smelled like Alec, some natural musk and just a hint of Indian sandalwood from where he used Magnus's shampoo.
There was a soft click and Magnus angled his face away from the door, ashamed to have anyone see him like this. The door closed again almost instantly and Magnus believed that whoever it was had left him in peace, but the soft pad of footsteps told him otherwise.
A hand brushed against one of his wrists.
"Magnus..."
Magnus gasped and blinked rapidly up at Alec, now knelt in front of him. The shadowhunters hand still lay to his wrist and Magnus could do nothing but sob in relief because it didn't hurt anymore. Alec was holding him and it made the pain stop.
"Hey, hey," soothed Alec when Magnus sobbed and grabbed him desperately. "Are you okay? Are you hurting?"
Shaking his head was a lie really. The pain was emotional, not physical, but that didn't make it any less prominent.
"It doesn't hurt," whispered Magnus, wiping the back of his hand to his nose and gulping back a sob. "It did hurt when I saw Robert… but you made it better. You made it stop."
"I thought you said I was a trigger?"
Magnus shook his head unknowingly. "I don't know, Alec, I…. I don't know."
Alec's eyes narrowed and he curled a hand around the back of Magnus's head, leaning in the press a light kiss to his forehead. "I've been holding back," he admitted, coming down to sit beside Magnus, leaned against the side of the bed. "I've been… restraining myself from touching you. I couldn't risk hurting you, Magnus. I won't."
"Alexander," said Magnus, his gaze softening from anxiety into sympathy.
"I missed it," Alec said. "I know it's selfish. I missed getting to hold you."
Magnus lifted a hand to hold Alec's jaw, turning his head and leaning up to press a lingering kiss to his lips. Breathing shakily as they came apart, Magnus pressed his forehead against Alec's own, his hands coming to clutch the back of the shadowhunters neck.
"Touch me now," he breathed out and their lips came together again, Alec's hands coming down to his waist, pulling him in closer, holding him near and safe.