Author's Note: I'm about four episodes from finishing the final season of Castle, and I'm so bummed out that watching this show is almost over for me. I can always rewatch it, of course, I already have given that I've been rewatching some episodes, but experiencing that magic for the first time is always nice. Thank God for fanfiction though, allowing me to continue reliving the magic of this show. This piece is based on 6x10, "The Good, The Bad & The Baby," with a look at how Castle and Beckett's night with the baby went before they walked into the precinct the next morning looking like they got hit by a truck.
There was a lot Kate Beckett learned over the course of solving Cameron Ducane's murder. The first was that her fiancée was a complete and total jackass, though she was still committed to their relationship despite all of that. The second was that she was one thousand percent not ready for a child.
At least not a baby. She dealt with Alexis just fine, but she was older, mature for her age; she just needed someone, a woman, a motherly figure, to lean on sometimes since her own mom wasn't around except for once in a blue moon and Martha, wise as she was, could be over the top. Beckett was the outside source Alexis could rely on. But a baby was something she was absolutely completely unprepared for.
Not yet, anyways. A part of Beckett dreamed of having a child of her own, a family. Castle was part of those dreams, but now wasn't the right time. Her mother's murder remained unsolved, and though she told herself she wouldn't let that stop her from living her life anymore, she couldn't bear to bring a child into the world yet, not when she still had so much baggage to carry around. If she was going to have a child, she wasn't going to carry that baggage around with her anymore, at least not as much as she'd been carrying around for the past fifteen years. Beckett would always have baggage, but hopefully never to the same extent she had now.
Happiness was finally starting to come to her, and when everything was all said and done, she wouldn't let anything step in the way of it.
And then Richard Castle, that complete and total jackass that she was so very madly in love with, said that they'd watch the baby that was the center of their case, and for a moment, she wanted to kill him, though she wouldn't say that in front of the social worker or the child. There were no foster parents willing to take him in so close to Thanksgiving, and the city's shelter was full and would have to double up on beds to accommodate Cosmo, as Castle affectionately named the child. So at Castle's insistence, she agreed to let him bring the child back to the loft with them.
There was some good that came of the night. She got to see Castle as a father, at least more so than she usually did. She'd seen his fatherly side with Alexis, but it was different with a baby. It warmed her heart inside as she watched him move around with the baby and take care of him throughout the night. She helped, of course, but it was him that did most of the work because she was far too nervous and intimidated by everything to really take charge in all of this. Thankfully he didn't seem to mind, but there was a part of her that felt awful and hoped that it would wash over when they had a family of their own.
At least she was getting some practice in. The more she helped and interacted with the baby, the more comfortable she felt. It wasn't long before she found herself getting caught up in all of this and smiling just like Castle was, though her hesitation was still evident.
They were awake for what felt like the thousandth time that night, and she wasn't smiling anymore. She had no idea how Castle was doing it. As Castle got up to tend to the baby, grabbing a bottle and feeding him, Beckett took a moment to look at her phone. It was just past two in the morning. She groaned as she sat up, realizing that the floor was painfully uncomfortable.
She gasped as she felt Castle's arm wrap around her waist, but she relaxed into his embrace. He had the baby in one arm, and he was starting to fall asleep in her fiancée's arms. Even she, drowsy as she was, couldn't help but look at the baby in his arms and smile. She noticed the way Castle, who was just as tired as she was, if not more because he was the one constantly getting up at the child's crying so she could rest, was looking at the baby with so much love and adoration, and it wasn't even his child.
Castle was the perfect father. Alexis was lucky, so lucky, to have him as a father.
Beckett imagined the two of them together, raising a child of their own. He'd raised Alexis on his own, and he did great. Wonderful, even. Alexis was a great kid. Yeah, she had her struggles, but so did every other teenage girl. Not even Beckett herself was an exception to that.
But her mind drifted to thoughts of her and Castle starting a family of their own, of them bringing a child into this world and raising it together. She wondered what it would be like. Hopefully not like this. Well, not completely anyways. The constant waking up in the middle of the night to tend to the baby she would have to expect, among other things her sleep deprived mind couldn't think of right now. But hopefully they'd split the work, not have one or the other do more like they were tonight, even if the other was getting up anyways. She'd be a part of her child's life. She'd do everything she could to put a smile on that child's face.
Castle was already so caring and sweet though. The way he didn't even hesitate to bring the child into his home so close to the holidays, other than to get her consent since she was staying there too, the way he held the baby and was able to rock it to sleep so easily (for the most part, anyways; there was a little bit of an issue earlier, but they solved it together), the way everything he did with that child came so easily to him. It was almost like it was natural for him.
She was grateful for that because her doing all of this alone probably would've been a nightmare, especially given how up until about two hours ago, she could barely hold the child in her arms. Her mind fluttered back to the time that they took in a dog that bore witness to his owner's murder, again at Castle's insistence. They decided on co-ownership, since at the time they were just partners and nothing more (despite their best efforts to say otherwise), and by the end of it, they realized that it wasn't good for the dog being split between two homes. It made Beckett realize that the same applied to a child; it wasn't good for a child to be split between two homes either. This was only a temporary arrangement, and Beckett doubted that Cosmo would even really remember his time with her and Castle, but still, it pained her to think of what was going through the child's mind even now. Did he even know that she and Castle weren't his real parents? Did he know that this was just a temporary arrangement and he was very possibly going into the foster system as soon as space was available? Were his parents still alive?
For her, losing her mother at nineteen was hard. It was something that pained her to this day, even more so knowing that she was planning her wedding without her mother by her side. But Cosmo? If his parents were dead, he wouldn't even know them. He'd grow up not knowing who they were or anything.
"Kate," Castle said softly, his voice sounding just as tired as he looked. Beckett looked up, bringing herself out of her thoughts. He wasn't next to her anymore, with his arm snaked around her waist, holding her close; she didn't even notice him sit by her earlier with the baby, let alone get up to put the baby back in his crib. He was in front of her now, brushing the stray strands of hair out of her face. A hand cupped her cheek. She felt a smile grow on her face at the gesture. "Go to bed."
His words were a reminder that she was still on the floor. She couldn't even remember how she got to the floor in the first place. Probably one of the many times they'd fallen asleep. The couch sounded like a better place to fall asleep though, so she pulled herself onto the couch, laying down as soon as her body was there.
"No, I mean my bed," he replied. She wasn't sure where he was getting the strength from because she was sure her last bit of strength was used to get her tired body onto the couch, but he was using it to help her to her feet and hold her upright. "You're exhausted, I can see it. And you have to work tomorrow. You have a case to solve."
"We," she corrected. "We have a case to solve. We have to work tomorrow."
"Yes, but I can show up later. You can't," Castle replied. "So go get some rest. You need it."
Beckett shook her head, clinging to him almost as if she was a child. She pressed her body to his, wrapping her arms around him. Despite all of this, sleeping away from the man of her dreams just seemed like an impossibility. It wasn't, of course, but sleeping without him next to her seemed so much harder nowadays. Ever since the first night they'd slept together in his bed a year ago, she found herself spending many more nights at the loft just so she could fall asleep and wake up next to him. A crying baby every hour wouldn't stop her from wanting that.
And besides, maybe with another thirty minutes or so of sleep, she'd be able to find some strength to get up and help him out a little bit.
"Kate," Castle said, the sternness in his voice clear even as he kept it down. "You're not going to be any good at work tomorrow if you're exhausted. You've got to be able to go in and give a hundred percent, so we can find Cosmo's family and bring justice to Cameron Ducane's. You're not going to be able to do that half-asleep at your desk."
She looked up into his blue eyes, and she could see how tired he was. He was barely able to keep them open, but she could see the concern in them. It was more than just her being able to solve the case being exhausted; he had no doubts that she could do that. He'd seen her pull many all nighters at the precinct in the time they'd been partners, surviving on nothing more than coffee and pastries from the break room and a power nap on the couch in there, though the naps were typically uninterrupted. This would be no exception.
No, this was a different kind of concern. A concern for her, one that he wasn't quite voicing aloud, but she could see it in his eyes and the way he looked at her. It was a look that showed if anything happened to her because she was too tired to react quickly enough to it, he would blame himself for it for the rest of his life; he wouldn't be able to live with himself.
"Fine," she finally said after a moment, realizing that both of them were far too tired for this argument. "But you have to come and stay with me until I fall asleep."
A smile spread onto Castle's face as he gently kissed her forehead. "If it'll make you go to bed."
They walked to his bedroom hand in hand, and once there, he slid the covers back. Once she was situated and comfortable in the bed, he pulled the covers back over her and sat on the edge. He would've preferred to slide into the bed next to her and hold her, as they'd done for many nights for the past year, but he knew if he laid down in that bed, he'd be out like a light too and he had to be able to hear Cosmo crying and react quickly enough to the baby's cries. She was holding his hand, a sleepy, tired smile on her face.
Even as exhausted as she was, she couldn't help but just look at him. It was one of her favorite things to do when he wasn't looking, though she couldn't quite hide it as well now that she was half-asleep in their bed.
"Rick?" she said, her voice so quiet that even he could barely hear her. Though she wasn't willing to admit it, sleep was close. She could feel just how heavy her eyelids were, and she was barely able to keep her eyes open.
"Yeah?" he replied.
"I love you," she said, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.
He squeezed back. "I love you too."
She fell asleep after that, and once he was sure she was out for the night, he gave her a gentle kiss on her forehead and slipped back out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him, and returning to his spot on the couch. The baby was their responsibility, but tonight, it'd be his to keep watch over little Cosmo and take care of him as needed, even if it meant waking up a thousand more times tonight.
But unknown to him, Beckett could still hear Cosmo's cries even in the bedroom. They were quieter and more muffled now, but she could hear them. All she had to do was roll over, and she was able to fall back asleep once the child stopped crying, which typically wasn't too long after he started. Still, after the first couple times of it happening, Beckett felt a sense of guilt. This was their responsibility, not just his, even if it was his fault that they were in this situation in the first place.
She got out of the bed and snuck out into the living room. Castle had his back turned to her. He was just going to put Cosmo back in his crib. She stepped forward, quietly and cautiously, so as not to startle him or wake the baby. She snuck her arms around his waist once she was close enough, pressing herself into his body. She felt him tense up, but he relaxed once he looked back and realized who it was.
"Hey," she said softly, moving to stand next to him, though she kept her arms wrapped around his body. He put an arm around her shoulders and placed a kiss on her head.
She wasn't aware of it, probably because she was too focused on Cosmo in his crib, but he was watching her. He was watching the way she was snuggled up to his body. He saw the exhaustion in her face, felt it in the way she clung to him, but he also saw the small, tired smile on her face as she gazed down at the sleeping baby. He watched as she took one of her hands and reached into the crib. He noticed how careful she was as she stroked the child's face, took his small hand in her own and held it.
For someone who swore up and down that she had zero experience with children, especially babies, it certainly didn't show. At least, Castle didn't see it.
"Kate," he whispered in her ear, snapping her back to reality. Her hand was on the child's cheek again, gently stroking it, and when he spoke, she pulled away almost instantly. Her eyes widened at the realization of what she was doing; she was getting attached, and Castle's words brought her back to reality. "You should be in bed."
"Couldn't sleep," she admitted, pulling away and moving to sit on the couch. Castle joined her, and she fell into his one armed embrace, closing her eyes. "I could still hear Cosmo crying even in your room."
"I had everything under control, you could've slept," Castle replied.
Beckett shook her head. "I tried, but I couldn't. I heard the crying, and I realized this wasn't your responsibility, it's ours," she said. She took his hand in her own. "Together."
"You know he's not ours, right?" Castle asked. He lifted her chin so he could see into her eyes. She could tell he seemed more rested even though it was maybe thirty minutes or so since Cosmo last woke up with a crying fit… maybe they weren't so frequent. They felt like it. Maybe his body adapted, remembering how it was with Alexis when she was Cosmo's age; it was something her body was struggling to do for sure.
Beckett nodded. "I know, but for right now, until we find his parents or social services has a bed open up or they find a family to take him in as a foster, he is ours. I know it's not forever, but for now, this is our responsibility."
"Even if I'm the one that volunteered us for it?" Castle asked. He could hear Beckett's breathy laugh and saw a smile form on her lips, which made him unable to resist giving her a smile of his own.
"I wanted to kill you for that, you know," she replied.
"But you would never," Castle said, a grin spreading across his face. "After all, I don't think a wedding would be very fun if one of us is dead, and we did say we wouldn't do the whole dead body thing, earlier today in fact, at the church."
Beckett rolled her eyes, her smile betraying how she truly felt about his stupid joke, and snuggled back into his embrace, closing her eyes. "Shut up and go back to sleep, Castle."
Perhaps all of this wouldn't be so bad after all. Not when she had Castle, baby whisperer extraordinaire by her side.