• Note: This chapter is a little bit different, structurally speaking. I decided to do the present and the past simultaneously, with the lyrics of a song that triggered the memory acting sort of like punctuation. I hope it flows ok, I'm kind of nervous, but I honestly had a lot of fun writing it. If it's too convoluted let me know. The italicized portion is the memory, just like in other chapters. Oh, and the song I use is Cosmic Love by Florence and the Machine.
Chapter six
I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
I can do it
I can do it
I'll get though it
But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
Cause I'm only human, yeah
-Human By Christina Perri
She was driving home from her first Saturday working at the library when it happened. She and Angela had made it through their first full week of AP prep, and were still playing catch up. She'd spent most of the morning in Port Angeles alternating between calculus and shelving. In the early afternoon they finished up their shift, and went their separate ways. Bella was driving up the main road into town with her iPod on shuffle when the song came on.
A falling star fell from your heart
And landed in my eyes
I screamed out loud, as it tore throw them
And now it's left me blind
And suddenly, she wasn't driving home from the library in Port Angeles. She wasn't broken, or hiding her pain. She was riding passenger in a Volvo being driven by the most beautiful boy in the world. They were coming back from spending the day in Seattle. He was holding the wheel with one hand, and holding her hand with the other, as she absent mindedly stared out the window. She was at peace. She wasn't worried about the past, or the future when this song started playing.
In the present, she gasped as she felt a twist in her stomach and a tugging at the hole in her chest. She had successfully depreciated the pain to a dull ache in the past few weeks, there but manageable, but this song shot right through her. Her body took over, and she suddenly realized that she had changed course. She was no longer driving toward her house but their house. His house. She was afraid of what she'd find. Afraid to find it empty. Afraid that it wouldn't be empty. But she knew she couldn't turn around. This was happening. This was happening today.
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
"I used to think this song was about a strong love, that could survive anything, but now I'm not so sure" She'd said that day, as his thumb lightly traced circles on the back of her hand. Her eyebrows had drawn together and her mouth was set in a slight frown.
His eyes lit up with the curiosity she was accustomed to seeing whenever she talked about what she was thinking. How frustrating it must be, she thought, to grow so used to having the ability to immediately know what was on everyone's mind, and then have one person, in all the world, be a complete blank.
"What do you think now?" He'd asked.
She looked up and saw that she was parked in front of the Cullen house. It loomed over her, so bright, yet so ominous. She almost felt like it was mocking her as she started walking towards it, his voice still echoing in her mind.
And in the dark, I can hear your heart beat
I tried to find the sound
But then, it stopped, and I was in the darkness
So darkness I became
"It's about being in love alone. She's in love, but she's alone, in the dark. He was everything to her, such a big influence that he blocked out everything else for her. Then she realized that putting all of her energy into that emotion left her with nothing but darkness when he wasn't there."
"But don't they end up together?" He'd asked.
Bella walked up the steps and tried the door but it was locked. She considered smashing a rock through the window, but then remembered that Alice had once mentioned that the back door was never locked. As if a family of vampires would ever need to lock a door anyway. She was relieved to find that the backdoor was indeed unlocked, as she was sure Esme would not approve of a broken window.
When she walked into the house she was nearly knocked over with emotion. It looked almost exactly the same. The furniture, the art, all of it was still there. Most of the furniture had large white sheets over them. It looked as if they left in a hurry, and didn't bother to pack much at all. They probably only took the things that had real sentimental value, she reasoned. As she walked through the living room she saw that the family pictures were gone, but the piano was still there. Of course it was. That goddamned piano, uncovered, with a thin layer of dust over it.
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
"It's not a good romance" she'd said, looking over at him.
She picked up an ornate vase that was on an end table across the room from the instrument and wondered for a moment how much it cost. An anguished sob escaped her, but she felt satisfaction when the vase connected with the piano, unleashing a loud crescendo throughout the room. She realized her heart was beating rapidly, so she took some calming breaths. She paused for a moment, and decided to go for broke and began the trek upstairs to his room, again fearing what she would find.
I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
I knew that somehow, I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you
"I don't really think it can be a happy love story if they both end up staying in the dark. Besides, the last line of the song is 'in the shadow of your heart'. I think it's sad really. She always feels like she's in a shadow." She looked over to see that he was staring at her with a mix of emotions on his face. "What?" She asked.
"Nothing. It's just that I love getting insights into your mind. I love watching you while you think things out. It's fascinating."
His room looked the same. It was exactly the fucking same. The couch was still there, uncovered, all of his music, his books, everything. Even his clothes. Nothing was taken, nothing was missing, just him. She heard his voice echo through her mind clearly. "I promise this will be the last time you'll see me. It will be as if I never existed."
"Are you kidding me?" She yelled into the empty room. She stood frozen for a moment as more words from the day he left swirled in her memory. "I don't want you." "Tired of pretending" "You're not good for me" "Easily distracted"
She felt ice start at the bottom of her spine, and quickly move up to the base of her neck as a sickening thought came to her. Was that all she was to him? A distraction? Was that all he wanted? An enigma to solve? The girl whose thoughts he couldn't hear, but whose blood sang to him. A sudden, and frightening fury took hold of her. She was shaking, and tears began to fall.
She ran to the shelf and started knocking CDs onto the floor. One by one they hit the floor and shattered from the impact. Then she knocked over the stereo and felt another surge of satisfaction as it exploded into a mess of spare parts. She wondered if this was the kind of satisfaction Edward felt when he ripped a tree in half during a hissy fit. She moved to the books next, throwing them around the room in a frenzy. She knocked over what she could only imagine were priceless works of art. She figured it was a good thing they didn't have any neighbors. If the breaking sounds didn't catch anyone's attention her ranting and carrying on would've for sure. She moved onto the clothes next, then the pillows from the couch, beating them on every surface until there were feathers floating all around her. She was looking for her next target when she saw it. It was strange to think that such a small thing could stop her in her tracks, and bring her to her knees from all that rage, but it did. The stupid shirt he's been wearing the day that song had come on in the car. She might not have even recognized it, if she hadn't just been assaulted by that very memory.
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
Bella's face held a wry smile. "That's what I'm here for. Your resident human Rubik's cube." They had pulled to a stop in front of the house and Bella was ready to bolt inside, but Edward stopped her.
"I didn't mean it that way". She looked into his eyes and saw concern and sincerity.
"You make me feel like a science project sometimes". She admitted, somewhat ashamed of herself for bringing it up.
"I can fix that" he said. He brought a hand up to gently stroke her cheek, and leaned into kiss her right beneath her ear. "I am fascinated by you" he moved down her jaw line, placing another kiss and she closed her eyes, relishing in the closeness of the moment. "I am captivated by you" Another kiss. "I want you, not for the difficulty of reading your mind, but for all of the amazing things I get to see when you open up to me." Another kiss, almost to her lips.
She smiled and opened her eyes for a moment. "That's because you have no idea how much time I spend thinking about bad reality TV." He smiled her favorite smile, and kissed her tenderly on the lips. For as careful and restrained as it was, it was also filled with love, passion, and hope that Bella could feel. Instead of letting her body react and risk cutting it short, Bella gently kissed him back, and hoped she was conveying the same level of emotion she was getting. When he pulled back, he gently stroked her cheek again. "I love you Isabella Swan".
"And I love you. Forever."
She crumpled to her knees in the middle of the chaos she had created. She clutched the shirt in her hands and sobbed. Two months of broken heart was pouring out of her. All of the anger had evaporated immediately, and it left her with shame and sorrow. She cried for the boy who left. For the girl he left behind. She cried for the best friend and mother she'd lost. She cried for the father who was left behind to watch helplessly as she fell apart. She cried because she felt guilty for destroying the room.
After a while, she really wasn't sure how long she'd been sitting there, but the sun was much lower in the sky, she got up and composed herself. She went to the bathroom to splash some water on her face. She left a note on the piano apologizing for the mess. She left her address and number in case they wanted her to pay for the damages. It was probably silly, but she felt like she should. Then, still holding the shirt, she got in her truck and drove home. Charlie was out fishing all weekend, and she was glad to have the time to herself when she got home.
She was pacing the floor of her bedroom in her socks trying to sort out the emotions. Remembering the incident in the car, and then the day in the woods had stirred up a lot of emotions within her, the chief one being confusion. Was he lying that day in the car? Or the day in the forest? She felt shaky, and unsure, like she couldn't trust her own instincts. If he loved her, how could he do this to her? Was it some kind of misguided chivalry? She couldn't afford to believe he still loved her. It would no doubt hurt double later. But then, why go through the trouble at all? The voice in her head telling her he loved her was battling the voice that told her it was ridiculous to hope. There was no way she was good enough for him, he told her so himself. What sis she have to offer? As she was pondering, her foot caught on something and she tripped. She sat up, and investigated what she had tripped on. A small piece of her floorboard was sticking up. She pushed and pulled at it and found that it was loose. When she pried it up, she found her presents. The pictures, the CD, the plane tickets. He took her presents, and hid them in her room. Now she was more confused then she had ever been.
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart