Chapter Eight

I was climbing, now I'm falling
I've been pushed off by a man
Who has made it to the top
And now defends it 'cause he can
And I have found a breach in his front line

I was open, now I'm hidden
From the danger of his words
I have found a good position
And I'll play for what he's worth, and he will find
Nowhere left to hide

I will lift her love and I'll break your spirit
I will dig a hole and I'll throw you in it
Only time will tell if we're all just cynics on the run
If we're all just cynics come undone
- Battles by Hudson Taylor

Bella was starting to get worried. It started with Jacob. A few weeks into February, Jacob stopped hanging out with Leah and Bella. Leah had assured Bella that he was just sick, and would be back soon. But then, a week into March, Leah stopped coming around as well. When a full week had passed with no word from either of them, she resolved to drive to La Push after school. Something about their absences seemed...off. Maybe it was the way Leah seemed to desperately change the subject whenever they talked about Jake. Or maybe it was the way Jacob was talking about Sam's weird cult, and how they'd been looking at him strangely. Either way, she was going to get answers. She had gone home to change and was surprised to see Charlie's police cruiser in the driveway so early.

"Hey Dad!" she called as she entered the house. "I'm not staying long, I'm just gonna head out to...what's wrong?" She stopped mid step when she saw him sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. When he looked up at her, she saw tears in his eyes. A heavy ball formed in the pit of her stomach. In her entire life, she had only ever seen Charlie cry once, and that had been when she was six years old, and he was explaining to her why she had to leave with Renee.

"Bella, honey, sit down for a minute." She sat next to him on the couch. On instinct, she reached over to wipe away her fathers tears, just as she had when she was six. As she did, he took her hand in his and held it. "Bella, Harry Clearwater died this morning."

"What?" she couldn't even begin to comprehend this idea. "What happened?"

"He had a heart attack".

"Oh my God. Should we go? We should go. I have to see Leah and Seth. They must be...they must be..." She let her sentence trail off as no words seemed to encapsulate the emotions she wanted to convey. She was caught somewhere between hysterical laughter and heaving sobs. How could Harry be dead? She'd known him her entire life. He wasn't much older than Charlie, was he? He certainly hadn't seemed old. Wasn't he just horsing around with Seth the other day? She had so little experience with death, she couldn't make sense of the train of thought she was on. It was just more and more questions, with fewer and fewer answers. In her confusion, she started to cry.

Charlie scooped her into his arms and held her. Bella had convinced herself so completely that she and Charlie just weren't the touch feely type, but it would appear she was wrong. "Sh, it's ok. I know it's a lot Bells".

"I'm so sorry Dad. I know this must be so hard for you" They embraced for a few more minutes until Bella got her crying under control. "So...should we go over there?" Her first thought was that she needed to be there for Leah.

Charlie took a deep breath to shake off the emotion. "I'm going to go up there tomorrow to help Billy and Sue plan the service and get a few things in order. They've asked that no one visit or go to the house until the service on Saturday".

Bella blinked once. "Does...does that mean me?"

Charlie looked at his daughter with sympathy. "Yes Bella, that includes you. Everyone's really hurting right now, and people have to grieve in their own ways. Honestly, Billy and I are the only ones seeing the family right now, and that's because Sue needs help. Try not to take it personally, you'll see them at the service."

"Its...It's just that I haven't seen them in a while and I was...worried. Look, if you see Leah or Jacob, tell them to talk to me. Please."

"I'll let them know you're asking about them."

Bella sniffed. "Thanks dad".

"Look, I know this is pretty heavy, so if you want to take a couple of days off of school, I'll call in for you."

"No, I can't do that. Especially since you said I can't go up there. I'd just be sitting here, restless, wondering what's going on. At least school will keep me occupied."

"Well, I think you should take tonight off. I'll order us a pizza, and you can pick a couple of movies to watch. Something to relax our minds. Just put off your homework for now, I'll write you a note."

Bella thought for a moment. "Okay, that sounds good. I'll go pick a movie."

They ended up watching a couple movies Bella had loved as a kid. She needed the kind of comfort that those kinds of movies could offer, almost the comfort of an old friend. She wasn't particularly close with Harry herself, though he had been a somewhat steady fixture in her memories of Forks. The thing that his her the hardest was that this was the first unexpected death in her life. Her Gran had been sick for a long time before she died, and her memory of James' demise was hazy at best. Harry was relatively young. And now her friend, someone her age, was suddenly without a father. She couldn't imagine living her life in a world where Charlie wasn't around. She didn't want to. She felt selfish, focusing on her own life when her friend was in so much pain. She wished for a moment that Edward were there. He would be a good sounding board. She could tell him all of her thoughts and fears, and he wouldn't judge her.

By the end of the pizza and third movie, Bella realized she had fallen asleep, and was curled up against Charlie, resting her head on his chest in a way she hadn't done since she was a little kid. His snore brought her to full coherency and she chuckled as she shook him lightly. "Dad." She waited a minute, then said it again a little louder. "Dad." He woke with a start. "It's late, we should probably turn in."

"Alright, goodnight sweetie".

"Night Dad."

The next day, Bella left two voicemails; one to Jacob, and one to Leah. Jacob's message was short and simple: "Hey Jake, it's Bella...again. Look, I don't know where you've been, but I miss you. I know things are crazy right now but...just call me. Please." Leah's message was also pretty short. "Hey Leah. I'm so sorry about your dad. I just want you to know that I'm here for you if you need anything. Always. Call me if you want to talk, or if you need a hug. I'll see you soon."

The day after she left the messages was Wednesday. When Bella arrived home from school, she was not surprised that Charlie was not there. He'd been spending almost all of his free time in La Push this week. She was, however, surprised to see that Jacob was there, waiting on the porch. He looked...different. Buff; and somehow older. And he was wearing a tank top and shorts, even though it was raining. Even though she noted these things, she didn't take time to wonder about it. She was too happy to see him again. A huge smile spread across her face and she ran to the cover of her porch.

"Jake!" she yelled as she reached him and pulled him into a big hug. She immediately noticed two more things. First, his body temperature was insanely warm, given the cold weather, and second, he did not hug her back. She stepped back to study his face and was shocked to find a cold stare, hovering somewhere between anger and practiced indifference. The pain in her heart flared up. This was not the first time that a boy had looked at her like that, at this house. Dread slowly spread through her.

"What's up?" She asked with trepidation. She had a feeling she needed to tread carefully. Jacobs face remained cold with his reply.

"I just came here to say that we can't be friends anymore. Things are different. I'm different, and it's not a good idea anymore." Bella's head started to spin. This conversation seemed eerily familiar.

"Jake, come on. What are you talking about?"

Anger flashed in his eyes. "You should know!" He spat the words out, then stopped and took a deep breath, apparently trying to get ahold of himself. "Look, just stay away from the reservation, from me, and from Leah. It has to be this way."

Irritation was building within Bella now, replacing the dread from earlier, mixing with confusion and hurt. She wanted to sit down and talk whatever this was out like adults. "Jacob, I don't know what the hell is going on with you, but you don't get to tell me who I hang out with, or where I go. This is so unlike you, just tell me what's going on. Please? Why don't you come inside and have a soda, and talk to me."

"I can't. I'm not even supposed to be here now. Just do what I'm saying. I'm not good for you, and you're not good for us. It's for your own good, damn it!"

His choice of words caused anger to overtake all of her other emotions and good sense, and she found herself yelling. "What is it with people telling me what's best for me like I'm some child who can't comprehend anything?! Why doesn't anyone think I deserve a say in what's best for my life? My mother, Edward, and now you? This is beyond ridiculous!"

"Don't ever compare me to him!" Jacob practically roared, as he took a step toward her. The atmosphere around them seemed to change as Jacob's anger was thick around him. It seemed warmer, and dangerous. Warning bells went off in Bella's head as her eyes widened. As quickly as it came, it was gone, as Jacob seemed to gather control of himself. His eyes softened, and he took a step back. "Bella I'm sorry I..." but Bella cut him off.

"I think you should leave Jacob." Jacob heaved a frustrated sigh and turned to go. When he was down the length of the driveway, Bella yelled after him "I'll see you on Saturday", before turning on her heel and slamming the door behind her.

She couldn't believe this was happening. Again. Was this as bad as when Edward left? No. Not yet at least. It was so unexpected that there was a thick layer of shock keeping her from feeling the full weight of his words. When she was with Edward, a small part of her had always been waiting for the other foot to drop, convinced the dream would end soon. Jacob and Leah's friendships had been different. There was a comfort that came with them, the kind of closeness that is forged in lifelong friendships. She hadn't taken the time recently to realize how fragile the precipice she was balancing on truly was. Leah, Jacob, Angela, school, paper, and drawing. The balance she had created was keeping her going. She loved the, and she needed them, and it hurt her deeply to think that it didn't go both ways. That she was truly disposable. That thought was the worst of all, and she had to hide from it. She spent the rest of the week burying herself in schoolwork, It was tangible, and it kept her from the abyss. She would wait until Saturday to lose it. She would talk to Leah, and confront Jacob. She would get answers.