Chapter Seventeen
"If it's still okay, and if you're sure everyone will be okay with it, I'd like to come back with you." When Bella finally broke the silence, and the suspense, Alice couldn't keep her face neutral as she broke out in a huge grin and started to bounce excitedly in her seat.
"Oh Bella, they are I promise! Esme and Carlisle will be beside themselves, and I know Jasper's been dying for a chance to talk to you. And Emmett and Rose should be back by the time we get in..."
"Where were they?" Bella interrupted, her interest piqued. Alice's smile faded as she continued.
"Well, after we left, everyone kind of scattered. Esme and Carlisle went to New York where Carlisle's been teaching. Emmett and Rose decided to spend some time in Europe together, and Jasper needed some time to sort things out, so he and I headed up to Canada for a bit, to see some old friends of his. We joined Carlisle and Esme in New York a few months ago." Bella noticed that Alice's recap conspicuously excluded one member of her family. She caught Alice's eye and raised her eyebrow in anticipation. "He's not there either. Honestly, we haven't seen him in person since Forks". Bella let that sit for a while. It irked her, but she wasn't ready to go down that path just yet. She didn't know how to be, or what to say. She wanted to get into it, but the space in the car suddenly felt so claustrophobic to her whenever she thought about bringing anything serious up. Alice broke the silence, with predictably good timing.
"Technically driving from Washington to New York should take about a week, with stopping to eat and sleep, but all we really need to worry about is gas so we could really be there by tomorrow or the next day" Alice let her statement hang in the air, and Bella wondered if she could get any paler than she now already was. Alice laughed a little before she continued. "But, I was wondering if you'd be interested in making a pit stop in Montana."
"Montana? What's in Montana?" Bella asked.
"A huge nature reserve. Lot's of area and terrain that humans can't get too. Lots of interesting game as well. It might be nice to take some time to get acquainted with yourself again. Before you have to start reconnecting with the family." Alice explained.
Bella thought for a moment. She'd been a vampire for about twelve hours, and she hadn't really given herself time to think about it, or explore it at all. She knew that the fact that she was able to put rational through ahead of her new primal needs was already a strange phenomenon in her new world. She wasn't blood crazy, and she wasn't incoherent, but she felt a stirring inside of her, like her insides were buzzing with energy. She thought of some of the big animals in zoos where there wasn't any room for them to run, or move. She thought of how that energy built up in those captive animals slowly making them more and more restless until they snapped. She didn't necessarily feel like she was going to snap anytime soon, but she definitely saw the merits in running around freely, exploring the world around her with her new eyes. Plus, the thought of hunting again made her throat burn a little, and she knew she'd be better for the refuel. Before she answered, Bella looked over at Alice and saw emotions written on her face that she couldn't quite understand. She look worried. And resigned. And was that dread? Bella was instantly wary, but the idea of running, and hunting, was too tempting for her to ignore. Sitting still didn't seem to be something she was built for anymore. She wondered if this would be a temporary thing, or just another new reality she'd have to get used to.
"Okay", she replied, "Let's do it".
"You'll love it!", Alice continued, "There's an amazing view. And the clouds will clear up in the afternoon, so you'll be able to feel the sunlight, which is an amazing experience!" Alice got a far away look in her eyes that Bella was very familiar with. When she came back to the present, she continued talking as if the pause hadn't happened. "Yes. This is going be great". The emotions on Alice's face were again unreadable to Bella, but she saw something that looked like guilt. She wondered what Alice saw happening on this pit stop that had her so somber.
The mood shifted from suddenly tense, to surprisingly light after that, as Alice put on some music to get them through the rest of their drive. Here's one thing about living with a psychic that was a huge bonus: they always know what music to put on. The music had a calming effect on Bella, and she found herself smiling, and singing along. It looked like a scene that could have been taken from any moment of their friendship...except of course from the last nine or ten months, that is.
It was just before noon when Alice pulled the car off of the road and into a clearing that Bella was sure cars were not supposed to go on. The morning cloud cover was still thick, but you could see the sun starting to break through in places. Alice turned off the car, turned to Bella and smiled. "Ready?" She asked.
"Definitely" Bella replied.
"Okay." They got out of the car and started to run. The freedom Bella felt was exhilarating. She had never felt so alive. The wind blowing past her, the smells of the forest, and the water, and the dirt, all existing simultaneously. The sounds of the animals, the trees...everything. They ran about thirty miles into the reserve when Bella suddenly stopped. She was suddenly having a sensory overload, and she couldn't seem to shake it off. She was quickly becoming overstimulated by the new scents and sounds that greeted her when she got out of the car, but the excitement of running and the novelty of the experience had distracted her. She felt like she could smell and hear everything around her all at once, and it was impossible to get her bearings. "I don't think I can do this Alice" she said, squeezing her eyes shut and dropping to her knees. Alice knelt down in front of her and took her hands.
"It's okay Bella. Look at me" she said. Bella opened her eyes and looked into Alice's. The world seemed to stop spinning as Alice continued speaking.
"Close your eyes" she instructed. "Trust me" she added at Bella's doubtful look. Bella closed her eyes and Alice continued. "First, I want you to focus on what you hear. Tell me everything you can pick out."
Bella took a moment to listen. "I hear... I think it's hooves. A clacking on rock."
"Which direction is it coming from?"
"My...left, and a little behind us."
"There's a mountain goat in that direction. Great job. What else?" Alice's voice was soothing and encouraging.
"I hear water. That way" she pointed and Alice affirmed that she was correct again."I can hear a bird singing and I can tell that it's not far, but not too close. I hear animals scurrying and snapping branches. And even though I know we're mile and miles away from the road, I swear I can hear cars".
"You definitely can" Alice smiled, and Bella opened her eyes. "Okay, now I want you to focus on smell" Bella inhaled though her nose and squeezed her eyes shut again as it seemed like a freight train of smells hit her at once. Alice's voice brought her back, and anchored her again. "Just focus on one scent at first. Start with me. Can you find my scent?"
Bella concentrated for a moment. "Yes...I can smell you." She was surprised to realize again that she was already so familiar with her scent. She felt confident that she would be able to recognize most of the Cullens by scent.
"Good. Okay, start there, and branch out. What can you smell near us?" Alice encouraged.
"I smell...it's similar to the dear I ate when I hunted for the first time. It's...smaller though. I can smell...trees? Yes, definitely trees. Water. More animals, bigger this time I think. Rain. It's going to rain soon" Bella felt like the world was coming into focus, as what she heard, felt, and saw finally started to match up in her head.
"Do you feel better now?" Alice asked.
Bella opened her eyes and smiled in relief. "Yes. Thank you"
Alice smiled warmly at her."It can be really overwhelming. Sometimes you just have to make the world a little smaller." They continued to run and explore for a while, with Alice leading them through the forest. They came to the foot of a mountain which they climbed with ease. At the top of the mountain they were greeted with a view of the entire reserve. It was the most beautiful sight Bella had ever seen.
"Wow" she breathed. "This is amazing" They stood silently for a while, both taking in the beautiful sight before them. Bella decided that this was as good a place as any to bring up some things that were bothering her. "Alice, why didn't you guys stay together when you left?" She decided to go with the first question she had. That had caught her attention in the car, and she hadn't been able to shake it.
Alice continued to gaze at the expansive view as she answered. "It was just...hard. Everyone felt differently about how and why we left, and staying together was almost suffocating. It was bad enough leaving you behind, but then Edward told us he wasn't coming back with us either" Alice began.
"Wait, what? He just left you guys? I mean, he didn't even even meet up with you?" Bella interrupted incredulously. She didn't know why this was sticking in her craw so much. Maybe it was the fact that he had made such a point about leaving with his family. Maybe it was because, with him being gone, there had been no tangible reason for Alice to not contact her all this time. Maybe she was just apt to be pissed off about everything at this moment.
"Well...yeah. At first we thought we were all going to New York, but he told us he was taking off on his own for a while. Asked us to 'respect his space'. Asked me not to watch his future, only calls in once every few months...He's really taking it badly". Alice explained.
"What!?" Bella practically roared, as she turned to better face Alice. "He's taking it badly?! He left me in the fucking woods Alice! He left me there alone and... no! No, he doesn't get to go off and lick his wounds when he broke my heart." Bella hadn't meant to explode. She wanted to air her grievances calmly with Alice, and she hadn't intended to make the conversation about Edward so quickly. She had plenty she wanted to confront Alice about personally, but now that they were on the subject, her emotions were rising quickly to the surface.
"He's not licking his wounds he's..." Alice tried to explain, but was quickly cut off by a glowingly irate Bella.
"You're right! He's probably not licking his wounds, because he has none!" Bella's temper, and voice was rising, but Alice made no attempt to calm her back down, allowing her to fully feel and express her anger. "He made it very clear that he would be just fine without me, and that my 'delicate human sensibilities' would allow me to forget him and move on! Like it was nothing! Like everything I'd felt and experienced with him meant nothing, because I was just a silly girl. A small point of interest in his infinite existence." She cooled from anger to despair as she finished her speech. She hadn't really put a voice to exactly how she had felt that day, and the emotions were hitting her hard, even now.
"Bella...I have to ask, what exactly did he say to you that day in the woods?" Alice ventured cautiously when Bella paused.
"You, don't already know?" Bella asked, cocking her head to the side.
"No. He never told any of us exactly what he said, and he made me swear on Jaspers life that I wouldn't watch or look." Alice said, almost pleading for Bella to tell her.
Bella closed her eyes for a moment, to prepare herself. She hadn't actually thought about that day in a long time, but she found that when she thought about it, it was right there in her mind, as fresh and painful as the day it happened. "We went for a walk in the woods. Things had been so tense. I would've walked to the moon if I thought it'd help him relax, help things go back to the way they'd been the day before. But when he stopped walking and looked at me, his eyes were cold and hard. I hadn't seen him look like that since the first time I saw him in biology. He told me you were all leaving. I told him I wanted to go with him; where you go I go, you know? But he said no. He said he didn't want me anymore. He said that what happened at the party was just the inevitable, and that I had been a fun distraction, but things were serious now, and he had to go. He said I'd get over it in no time, with how fickle teenage girls are. He confirmed my deepest self worth issues Alice. He touched on all of my insecurities" Bella was trying to get it all out, not wanting to dwell on the memory any longer than she had to.
"What?" Alice couldn't help but interrupt. "He said those things to you? I...I can't believe it! That... That stupid bastard!" Alice was suddenly pacing in agitation.
"What did you think he was saying?" Bella asked, incredulous again.
"The truth! That he was leaving to keep you safe! That he was making some stupid grand gesture. Like some chivalrous knight falling on his damn sword or something! That you needed a clean break. That's what he told us. That's why he made me promise not to watch your future." Alice explained, trying to keep her voice even.
"A clean break? Are you serious?" Bella's voice was rising again. "And since when do you do as you're told Alice Cullen? You've done nothing but defy his wishes since we met, and all of a sudden you're obedient?" Bella was finally getting to the real point of conflict here.
"I'd never seen him so...desperate. In all the time I've known him I could probably count on one hand the number of times he's come to me with so much sincerity, desperation even. He's my brother." Alice rushed, desperately wanting Bella to understand her reasoning, yet knowing it really wasn't enough.
"You used to say I was your sister" Bella's voice was thick with emotion, and Alice's emotional turmoil was written on her face as she responded.
"You are. You are my sister. Always. I didn't know what to do!" She dropped her hands as if in defeat.
"You shouldn't have needed any visions to see how much losing you would hurt me. You were my best friend Alice! One of my first real friends, and you didn't even say goodbye to me! You didn't check in once. In a year! I needed you, and you weren't there." Bella felt release in just saying the words out loud. The words she'd been holding in for such a long time. She was still heated, but she actually felt a little bit better.
Alice flinched at the honesty and well deserved anger. "I know." She said it so quietly that Bella's wrath was momentarily halted. "I know that I hurt you. That we all hurt you. We were wrong. We knew it immediately, but we didn't want to hurt you anymore."
"You did. Every day you weren't there hurt me. My family has been broken since I can remember, and you guys started to replace it. You changed my idea of what a family is, and then you just ripped it away and a left me alone again. I'm so angry at you I could scream forever. and at this point, I guess I probably could." She smiled a little at her observation, and Alice did too.
"What happened next?" Alice prodded. "After he spouted all that nonsense?"
"He just...walked away. He was there, and then he wasn't. But I wasn't done yet. I wanted more answers, to talk about it, really have it out. So I tried to follow him. I walked for a long time, until I finally tripped and kind of passed out of sheer exhaustion. I woke up in my room and the weight of what had happened, the emptiness and loneliness, it crushed me.I didn't handle it very well at first. I was practically a zombie for over a month. I just wallowed in my misery and went through the motions. I snapped myself out of that pathetic state, and put myself back together again. And now, a year later isn't everything just so damn peachy? As you can see I've totally forgotten about him, and all of you. I'm just a vapid, shallow teenager." Bella concluded sardonically.
"Bella, my brother's an ass" Alice stated.
"You're damn right he's an ass! He said things that he knew would hurt me! He played on my insecurities! My own feelings of worthlessness! How could he do that? If he didn't want me, that's fine, but the way he did it...he broke my heart. I almost broke Alice. And then, he tried to erase himself and all of you from my life. He took the gifts back, the pictures of us, he literally tried to erase himself from my life. But he couldn't take everything because life doesn't work like that. Relationships, friendships, they seep into our lives, everywhere. You can't just make people disappear." Bella's hand reached for the necklace she wore around her neck and carefully pulled the charm out from under her shirt, showing Alice the friendship charm they'd bought at the mall all that time ago.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Bella." Alice said, reaching for the necklace she wore as well. I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but he did it out of love."
Bella smiled sadly and shook her head. "I've already thought of that Alice. I found the pictures and presents under my freaking floorboards, and it got me thinking. About what he said that day, about things he's said before, and I started to wonder. Maybe he does love me, and this was some kind of attempt to protect me. But if that's true, then maybe I hate him more for it." She could see that Alice wanted to say something, but she kept silent as Bella continued. "How can he possibly explain his actions in any way that matters? He loved me so much he had to break my heart? That's crap. You don't do that to someone you love, you don't destroy someone that you're supposed to love!" She was fully shouting by this point, surprised by the angry sound of her new voice. It was loud and commanding, but it also sounded like a growl now. If they had been anywhere near civilization, she's sure she would have terrified anyone in hearing range. Her emotions were swirling inside of her, vibrating in her skin. She needed to do something to get them out so she grabbed a boulder she was standing next to and hurled it with all of her might over the cliff, watching as it plopped into the lake below with a large splash, and suddenly all of her anger dissipated and she slumped to the ground. "And no, I wasn't destroyed. I put myself back together, but the absence of him, of all of you was almost suffocating. It's not fair Alice. A year ago I was convinced that becoming a vampire would solve all my problems. I knew, even then, that it wouldn't, but I wanted it, you know? I could see my future as a vampire and now I just...it's not fair." She could feel herself crumble as sobs began to take over. In a flash Alice was by her side, tentatively putting her arm around her to soothe her. She leaned on her shoulder and accepted the comfort, and for a while that's how they sat for almost an hour, until Alice broke the silence.
"You are so much stronger than anyone gives you credit for. Yourself included". She said.
Bella turned so she could face her. "What do you mean?"
"You could have easily given up and succumbed to your depression. But you didn't. You got on with your life. I'm glad you accomplished so much." She said with pride.
"How do you know what I've accomplished?" Bella asked suspiciously.
Alice had a sheepish grin. "Well, I wasn't watching you, but I'm so attuned to you that pieces of your life kept popping in. I saw you and Angela start the AP program. I saw you get into college, and graduate. You did amazing. You don't let anyone tell you what kind of person you are. You define yourself. I'm proud to be your friend." Bella smiled at the compliment, sure she'd be blushing if she still could. She stood up and went to the edge of the cliff again to fully take in the view once more. "This place really is so beautiful." She said in awe.
"Yeah. I've come here many times over the years when I've been upset or angry. It always helps me calm down to be surrounded by the magnificence of nature like this". Alice's statement made something click into place inside Bella's head.
"You knew." She said calmly as the revelation hit her, shock registering in her voice. "You knew I was going to have this break down. That's why you stopped the car here. That's why you had that weird look on your face." There was no question in any of her statements, but Alice responded.
"I knew that you needed to talk, and I knew that it was going to be...animated. I didn't know exactly what you were going to say. I avoided looking at that on purpose. I just knew you were going to be angry, and that you wouldn't want the rest of the family to be a part of it." Alice explained.
"So you brought me out here so that I could blow up on you in privacy? So that you could take all of my blows on your own?" Bella asked.
"Of course. I deserved to hear it, and you deserved to let it out on your terms." Bella reached over and wrapped Alice in a hug.
"Thank you." She said, as she squeezed tighter.
"Anytime little sister. Besides, this is a very theatrical place to have a fit. One time, I came here after a fight with Jasper, and I threw a tree from here clear over the lake. I felt so bad about it that I came back and donated six new trees to replace it." Alice Chuckled.
"You and Jasper fight?" Bella asked, shocked.
"Of course we do!" Alice laughed. "Bella being in a good relationship does not mean that you don't fight. In fact, I think it's the opposite. I think it's knowing that it's okay to fight. It's important to be able to speak honestly with he people we , and knowing that if you do fight, it will all work out in the end, because things usually do. And I don't need to see the future to say that". Alice stated matter of factly.
Bella laughed. "You know, I've never really thought about it like that, but I think you're right. It's just hard to imagine the two of you fighting. You seem so...together all the time." Bella commented.
"Well, we've been together for a long time. We know each other inside and out, so we understand what the other person needs, and we try to do right by them. Same with the others. Whether you're talking about a romantic relationship or a friendship, or a familial relationship. Fighting happens, but you learn how to deal with it. Look at you and me. In the past twelve hours how many different emotions have you felt about me?" Alice asked.
"Several" Bella answered after a brief pause to think.
"Exactly. You've covered the spectrum of happiness, anger, sadness, and love. And in the end, you and I are still friends, because our bond is stronger than our anger" Alice smiled.
Bella nodded. "I'm sorry I yelled at you" Alice shook her hear.
"Don't apologize for that. You needed to say it, and I needed to hear it. And while we're on the subject, I'm sorry for failing you when you needed a friend the most. I shouldn't have left you the way that I did. It was wrong." Alice said seriously.
"I know. I understand it better now. Family is complicated, and you were in a difficult position." Bella said.
"Thank you." Alice sighed in relief. Then her eyes suddenly lit up and she smiled with excitement. "Oh! I almost foot got. Here, come stand right here! Alice indicated a spot on the cliff.
"Why?" Bella asked as she complied. Alice said nothing, but she pointed toward the sky, which had gone from grey and overcast to mostly blue, except for one stray cloud which was blocking the sun. Bella smiled as she realized what was going to happen. She was about to experience sunlight for the first time as a vampire. As the sun completely emerged, she wondered if she'd ever truly felt sunlight before at all. It didn't just warm her skin, it vibrated within her. She looked down to see the way she now glistened, and realized she could feel the pattern the sun was making on her. She felt like she was the sun. She extended her arms out and closed her eyes as she twirled around laughing as the warmth spread inside of her. She could almost hear it.
"Tell me again why you don't live in the desert?" She asked, laughing.
"Because torches and pitchforks may not hurt us, but they're murder on our clothes." Alice replied. Bella continued to twirl and dance some more, until the sun made it's way behind a cloud again.
"That was amazing" she said said happily.
"I know" Alice smiled. "I knew you'd like it. We really should hit the road now, though. Things are going to be very interesting from here on out." Bella wanted to ask what she meant by that, but Alice had her 'I'm not telling' face on, so she just shook her head followed her.
They walked back to the car and continued on in a different kind of silence. Bella still had a lot on her mind, but the air was no longer thick with tension waiting to explode. Now it was a companionable, comfortable silence, as they both pondered the future.