I wanna taste love and pain
Wanna feel pride and shame
I don't wanna take my time
Don't wanna waste one line
I wanna live better days
Never look back and say
Could have been me
I
Could Have Been Me By The Struts (Who by the way put on an amazing live show, I saw them last summer )
The Struts played on the jukebox and Adrianne found herself actually having fun at work. Even when she remembered the time she and Daryl had seen them live at a music festival a few years ago, it was a happy memory, the happiest. As always they had a great time together and if Tara hadn't started talking she would have been lost in regret again.
"What Tara," She said, "I'm sorry, I missed what you were saying…"
"He's dating this bitch named Kerry, we all hate her, she drinks white wine and acts like she's better than everyone." Tara said as she and Adriaanne cleaned the bar on one of the rare nights that Adrianne was there. It had been three months and she hadn't seen Daryl at all, she had seen Merle though and he told her exactly what he thought, as always, and she loved him for it.
"You and my brother are a couple of idiots, get back to smashing because you're both miserable fucks." Merle had said the last time she saw him and Adrianne couldn't help but laugh. But it wasn't that simple.
"I guess he can see who he wants to see…" Adrianne answered even though those words cut her deep, she had not been out on one date, that was true. For her it wasn't worth it.
"I'm telling him you aren't dating, that you haven't since you two stopped whatever it was you were doing."
"Don't do that Tara, I don't ...he deserves to be happy."
"He's not...not like himself, he's ...still missing you." Tara pleaded, "Look you two have it."
"What?" Adrianne rolled her eyes at her friend and continued wiping down the bar.
"That... thing, that thing we all want and can't get. That friendship and genuine affection thing. You and Daryl have that it's plain for anyone to see. Don't let it go"
"I already did," She sighed to herself.
"Look, you can tell when he's with her he never smiles or laughs, Merle said she's a cold bitch, there's never any noise coming from his room, like there was when you were over."
"Way for Merle to call me out," She laughed, " I might be moving when I graduate, I already have a job offer in Pennsylvania."
"Shut up!" Tara's eyes grew wide, "Would you really leave?"
Adrianne shrugged, what was there for her now?
/
Kerry was fine but she was not the one, Daryl knew that right from the jump. There had only ever been one girl for him since he was fifteen. None of the girls he ever dated measured up to her, now or then. How could it have all gone so wrong? Daryl knew about her fears, he knew how she was, he was angry at himself for getting mad, maybe they could have talked it out and now it was too late.
He laid there in bed as Kerry slept next to him and he was thinking of her again. Adrianne was afraid to end up like her mother, depending on a man for her very existence. She was afraid to be broken by love.
It was so much different when they were young, they fought then too, but never stayed mad for very long. He closed his eyes and recalled a memory as he rolled away from the woman in his bed.
It was summertime and they were young. Adrianne had just been dumped by some jackass right before prom and Daryl had planned to take her. He wasn't planning on going to prom, but then this happened. He knew Adrianne really wanted to go and he was bound and determined to take her.
Kyle was a dick and Adrianne didn't know that Daryl and Merle had beat his ass for hurting her. The guy had it coming and they aren't sorry. Adrianne would be pissed off when she found out but Daryl didn't regret it.
Daryl had gone to her house to talk to her and she wouldn't come to the window when he tapped. The screen was down and he could see her laying face down on the bed.
"Come on Age, I know you're in there."
No answer, but he knew she could hear him, the window was open..
"Come on let's go get shakes," Daryl knew she loved chocolate shakes, on more than one occasion he had bribed her with it before, but it wouldn't be that easy this time.
She still didn't answer him.
"You can drive the truck…" He sweetened the deal.
She moved, but didn't answer. He saw her wiping her eyes and it broke his heart. Time for him to pull out the big guns.
"I'll let you play Sonny and Cher…" He tempted and Adrianne finally rolled over and gave him a grin.
Within a half hour they were driving down the bumpy dirt road in his old blue Ford pick up listening to Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves and she was driving his five speed shift on the floor like it was nothing. Of course he had taught her how to drive it months ago, not even complaining when she blew out the clutch twice.
Those days had been fun and he had loved her then and still. He looked out the window and wondered what she was doing. Six months ago he could have just called her or gone to her. Now that was all over.
Less than a mile away Adrianne was making Lemon Zinger herbal tea after getting home from work. She sat down at the kitchen table, the last place they had been together, the scene of the crime and wished Daryl was there.
She was so sorry for losing her shit on him and being an asshole, but it was too late.