"Come in!" called the Joker cheerfully, on the morning of Valentine's Day. He stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist and wiping condensation off the mirror, as the door was pushed open and his pet hyenas, Bud and Lou, padded into the bathroom.
"Oh, I wasn't expecting you boys," said Joker, glancing in the mirror. "When I heard someone scratching and growling at the door to the bathroom where I'm sure to be naked, I thought it would be Harley. But I guess she doesn't want to ruin the surprise for tonight. Well, as long as you're here, I might as well give you boys some tips on how to get yourself made up for a woman, so that maybe one day, you'll be as successful as your old man in attracting the dames," he said, reaching for the shaving foam.
The hyenas shared a look, and then barked. "Well, obviously you won't be shaving, boys, but it's important for a man not to look like a slob and actually appear to have made an effort for a dame," retorted Joker, as he spread the foam over his face and reached for his razor. "The ladies don't wanna have a lotta stubble scraping over their sensitive skin, so a nice, smooth shave is essential. Not in all areas, of course – the dames like to know you're a real man, and a real man has hair," he added, reaching for the talcum powder and shaking it under his towel. "Hope you're ready to perform tonight, buddy," he added, looking downward. "But you've never failed me yet. People talk about guys having a more difficult time as they get older, but that's never been a problem for me, and I've been around 80-odd years at this point. But in order to get down to business down there, I would say that the most important thing is probably a nice, clean mouth, with shining white teeth," he added, reaching for his toothbrush. "Nobody with bad breath ever gets laid. And there is nothing more attractive to a woman than a nice, big smile."
The hyenas whined, barking again. "Don't worry, we always get your teeth cleaned when you go to the vet, so you should be good to go," replied Joker, spitting out the toothpaste. "Though your breath does often leave a lot to be desired, but maybe hyena dames are less picky." He swirled some mouthwash around, and then spat it out, reaching for his cologne. "And for the finishing touch, a little splash of Chez Gerard's Forbidden to complement my natural enchanting musk. This has the bonus effect of annoying Pammie, as she used to work for them until they started testing on plants. It's a daring scent, but I think you can both pull it off if I can – hints of juniper and sandalwood that just drives the ladies wild."
The hyenas barked a third time, and began tugging on Joker's towel. "Hey now, you don't need to see everything," said Joker. "Although I do look incredible in my full glory, and the effect on women is simply irresistible. When the ladies get a glimpse of the full Joker, they just can't keep their hands off me."
The hyenas tugged at the towel again, pulling it off. "Geez, is it wrong to get turned on by yourself?" sighed Joker, staring at his reflection. "Because if it is, I don't wanna be right."
"Puddin'?" asked Harley, stepping into the bathroom. "Why are you naked in here with the babies?"
"I don't know – ask them," retorted Joker, as the hyenas dropped the towel and tried to nudge Joker forward. "See anything you like?" he added, grinning at Harley.
"I love everything I see," she purred, kissing him. "And we got time before dinner. A lotta unstructured time that I ain't made concrete plans for. We could play around a little, maybe help ourselves to an appetizer…"
"Now don't you think you're getting a little greedy, pooh?" asked Joker, drawing away from her kisses. "I mean, I assume you're expecting some action tonight. The wait will only increase your appetite, and the pleasure of sating it."
"You always say that, and I don't think it's actually true," retorted Harley, as she began to lick down his neck and chest. "I mean, if you got a craving for a popsicle, do you wait and resist it so you'll have a stronger appetite later, or do you just gorge yourself on it right then, sucking it all into your mouth at once?"
"Well…I guess a few licks couldn't hurt," agreed Joker, returning her kisses.
As Harley knelt down, the hyenas began nudging her toward the door. "Geez, what is the matter with them?" she demanded. "Babies, Mommy and Daddy are trying to have some private time, so why don't you give them some privacy?"
The hyenas whined, barking again and continuing to nudge her away. "I don't understand why they're acting like this," said Harley. "They're never this demanding unless they ain't been fed…"
She trailed off. "They ain't been fed," she murmured. "I forgot to feed 'em today."
"That's not like you, pooh," commented Joker.
"I know, I guess I've just been so busy planning Valentine's Day that the regular, everyday, mundane tasks slipped my mind," agreed Harley. "Oh, poor babies, c'mon," she said, heading for the door. "Let's get you some meat. Which I'm gonna have to miss out on for the moment," she sighed.
"Only makes your appetite stronger, like I said!" chuckled Joker, returning to admiring himself in the mirror. "I know mine is!"
Harley sighed again as she headed into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. "Should have some steak in here…" she began, but her face fell when she saw the refrigerator was empty.
"Huh. Guess I forgot to do the shopping too," she said to herself. "Honestly, Harl, you'd forget your head if it wasn't attached to your shoulders! I'd better go out and get you boys some food – puddin'!" she called down the hall. "I gotta go to the store! You need anything? Anything for tonight, maybe?"
"Just what exactly are you implying?" demanded Joker. "What would I need for tonight that you'd need to get from a store?"
"I dunno – whipped cream or something," she retorted. "Why? What were you thinking?"
"I thought maybe you were thinking that as an 80-odd-year-old man, I might have some problems that would need pharmaceutical help," he retorted.
"You're not 80, puddin'," said Harley, confused.
"How do you know?" he demanded. "Do you know when I was born?"
"No," she retorted. "Do you?"
"No," he replied. "But I've been around 80-odd years now. I just don't seem to age in any respect, which is funny, but there you are."
"You know, sometimes you really do talk crazy, puddin'," sighed Harley. "I don't generally believe it when everyone calls you that, but you gotta admit, sometimes you do give them valid reasons."
"Think what you want," snapped Joker. "What would you know, after all, having only been around 28 years?"
"I'm 31, puddin'," retorted Harley.
"Sure you are," he sighed. "And people call me crazy."
Harley rolled her eyes. "I'm taking the babies to the store," she said, reaching for their leashes. "That way I can get in and out without people getting in my way, and I might not have to go there at all if they attack some randomer and eat 'em on the way. I'll be back in two minutes," she added, clipping the leashes on to the hyenas and then reaching for her roller skates. "Don't get lonely," she added, kissing him.
"You know, I never do," he retorted. "Because I know you'll never leave me alone, you clinging little brat."
"I love you too!" she called, waving at him as the hyenas pulled her out of the hideout.
"Guess I better get dressed in something irresistible," said Joker to himself, as the door shut. "Of course the birthday suit is irresistible to the dames, but I'll probably be arrested if I go out in it, because my looks are criminal," he sighed. "I tell ya, it's hard being the Joker, but somebody's gotta do it."