"I'm sorry, why are we here?" demanded Jonathan Crane, glaring around the café at the happy couples surrounding him.
"We're here because Edward wanted to meet us here," retorted Jervis Tetch, glancing at his pocket watch. "And he's late for a very important date."
"It's terribly awkward being out together on Valentine's Day like this – people are going to think we're some kind of couple," snapped Crane.
"I don't see why you'd be offended by that – I think you could definitely do worse than me for a romantic partner," retorted Tetch. "Or are you implying that the reason women haven't been lining up to date you is because they think we're in a relationship, and therefore blaming me for your lack of success with the fair sex?"
"I'm doing nothing of the kind," retorted Crane. "I told you, I'm not interested in any woman besides Harley. I'm just irritated at having to see all these nauseating couples – couldn't we have met Edward at his or our hideout?"
"He wanted to meet in public," replied Tetch. "I assume to show off this date of his. While you're hoping rumors won't fly around about us, Edward is probably hoping that rumors do start flying about this no doubt unbelievably attractive woman he's managed to interest."
Crane laughed. "Thank you, Jervis, I needed that," he said, reaching for his cup of tea and sipping it.
"Good morning – happy Valentine's Day," said a familiar voice. Crane looked up, and choked on his tea, as he saw Edward Nygma standing next to their table with a stunningly beautiful woman on his arm. "Jonathan, Jervis, may I introduce you to Miss Chloe Harper," said Nygma.
"Charmed, my dear," said Tetch, standing up to kiss her hand.
"Yeah, hi," she replied, not looking up from her cell phone screen. "Eddie, darling, do we know how long this is going to take?" she asked, briefly looking up at him as they sat down.
"Not long, my dear," he said, patting her hand. "She's always so eager to be alone with me," he added, smiling pointedly at Crane and Tetch. "Being out in public where we have to obey certain rules of decorum is simply excruciating for her."
"Yes, I've noticed her lack of decorum," commented Crane, as Chloe's eyes remained glued to the phone screen in front of her as she popped a bubble of gum. "How did…you two meet?"
"The internet," replied Nygma. "It really is a marvelous place – Harley may not know much, but she was right about that. There are people on there who are fans of all us Rogues, if you can believe it. And I found Chloe here on one of these fansites – she's been following my exploits for years."
"Yeah, I'm totally into the riddle thing," agreed Chloe.
"Oh, really?" asked Tetch. "I enjoy the ones in the novels of Lewis Carroll, certainly. I don't suppose you're a fan?"
"I'm not a fan of just anyone," retorted Chloe, rolling her eyes. "I mean, I guess some people like penguins, but it's just not for me."
"Penguins?" repeated Tetch, puzzled.
"Yeah, that's you, right?" she asked. "The Penguin guy."
"I'm the Mad Hatter," replied Tetch.
Chloe looked up briefly at him again. "Never heard of you," she said, looking back down at her screen. "And I'm not seeing you on any of these Top 10 Batman Villain lists."
"Well, that's a little offensive, I must say," muttered Tetch, sipping his tea angrily.
"You're finding Edward on those Top 10 Batman Villain lists?" asked Crane, skeptically.
"Oh yeah, he's totally famous," agreed Chloe. "Really, really popular for a lotta years."
"See? I told you you've been underestimating my popularity," said Nygma, smugly. "I do consistently beat Scarecrow, don't I, my dear?"
"Actually, you're pretty evenly ranked," replied Chloe. "He had that part in that movie that really rocketed his popularity, where he was played by that super hot guy with the blue eyes."
"What movie?" demanded Crane. "I haven't seen any royalties for people using my likeness!"
"Oh, he was nothing like you," retorted Chloe, glancing up at him again. "Super hot, like I said. There's just no comparison to you."
"Darling, why don't you sit here and entertain Jonathan and Jervis while I get us some coffees?" asked Nygma, standing up and heading over to the counter.
"I must say, you and Edward do seem to be suited personality wise," said Crane, forcing a smile. "Is that what attracts you to him?"
"I want his body," retorted Chloe, her eyes glued back on her screen.
"Ah, I see," said Crane, sharing a look with Tetch. "So this is more of a physical thing for you…"
"No, I literally want his body," she interrupted, looking back up at him. "When he dies. I want to stuff it and put it on display. He's popular enough that freaks will pay all kinds of money to see him – there's a lot of people out there who enjoy sick stuff like that, especially in Gotham. I figured setting his corpse up as a tourist attraction would be a good way to make a lot of money really fast."
"But…Edward would have to die before that happens," said Crane, slowly.
"Yeah," she agreed, shrugging. "But that's not a problem here in Gotham either. The complicated thing is that we have to get married before he dies, so that way his body will go to me. So I have to keep him interested until he proposes, but since he's paying me by the hour anyway, I can afford to wait."
"He's paying you to be his girlfriend?" demanded Tetch.
"Yeah, I work for an escort service," she replied, keeping her eyes fixed on her phone. "And a good way to drum up business is to trawl these fansites, since a lot of desperate, lonely men are on them. When Eddie messaged me, I thought he was just some sad guy pretending to be a supercriminal. But when I found out he was the real thing, this great business idea popped into my head. He currently owes me thousands of dollars for my companionship – I charge extra on Valentine's Day, and I'll be billing him at the end of the week. He's been a lifesaver for me, he really has," she added, popping a bubble of gum again. "But, y'know, he thinks I'm madly in love with him and all, so don't spill the beans, huh?" she said, not even looking up at them.
Neither of them knew how exactly to respond to that, but fortunately they didn't have to.
There was a sudden commotion at the front of the café – loud screaming as a man stumbled into the building, being mauled by what appeared to be two dogs with a woman on roller skates futilely trying to control them.
"Babies, sit! Babies, stop it! Stop playing with your food!" she shouted. The man who was being attacked tried to fight the animals off, struggling against them as they knocked over tables and dishes. The animals suddenly lunged forward and pinned him to the ground, sending the woman flying across the café and into Crane, and knocking them both to the floor.
"Oh…Johnny, hi!" exclaimed Harley Quinn, beaming at him. "Happy Valentine's!"
"H…Harley," stammered Crane, who was blushing bright red at seeing her on top of him. "Good…good day to you…"
"Thank God it's you – I'm such a klutz, and I'm always awkwardly running into people!" she laughed "But I'm glad it's someone I know this time so it ain't so awkward!"
"N…no, not awkward at all," stammered Crane, as she struggled to climb off him with her skates on, which only made her flop around on top of him even more.
"Here, let me help you up, my dear," said Tetch, holding out his hand and helping Harley steady herself as she leaned against the table. "It's certainly unexpected to see you out and about on Valentine's Day – I thought you had plans with the Joker."
"Well, I did," sighed Harley. "But unfortunately the babies had other plans," she added, nodding over at the hyenas who had mauled the man to death, and were now feasting on his corpse. "And you got certain responsibilities as a parent that you just can't ignore. They needed to be fed, and we're outta food at home, so I was taking 'em to the store to pick up something for 'em. I had to leave Mr. J when he was naked, and it was hard."
She giggled. "I know Mr. J told me not to explain jokes, but do you get it? It was hard is a double entendre, both the leaving him, and his…"
"Yes, thank you, my dear, we get it," interrupted Tetch.
"Oh my God, you're Harley Quinn!" said Chloe, staring at her.
"Yeah, hi, pleased to meetcha," said Harley, smiling and holding out her hand to her. "I'm guessing you're Johnny's date? I'm really glad he decided to try the online dating thing after all – it's clearly paid off!"
"No, no, no, this woman is not my date," said Crane, hastily. "This woman has nothing to do with me at all, nor ever will. She's Edward's escort, and I do mean that literally…"
He trailed off as he looked around for Nygma, and saw him lying unconscious on the floor by the counter with a bump on his forehead – the hyenas had apparently knocked him into the counter while they were fighting with their victim.
"How does that work with you and Joker?" interrupted Chloe. "I mean, you're not married, right? So if he dies, do you get his stuff? Has he made a will or anything?"
"Well, Mr. J ain't dying anytime soon, so I don't have to worry about that!" laughed Harley. "I mean, he says he's eighty years old, but that's just a joke, although I don't get it. Anyway, we will get married someday."
"You should hurry him up, if you can," said Chloe. "Before someone else snaps him up. A valuable guy like that is a precious commodity."
"Don't I know it!" said Harley, beaming. "And it's nice to hear another woman singing his praises for a change – most gals I know hate him. Which is good, because if I thought there were women out there who wanted to steal him, I would have to murder them horribly," she added, her face falling suddenly and becoming deadly serious. "Because he's mine, and he'll always be mine, and if anyone tried to take him away from me, I would ritually disembowel them and feed their entrails to my babies."
Chloe backed away slightly at the look in Harley's eyes, but her face broke into a smile again as her hyenas padded over to her, nuzzling against her. "Babies, there you are – we were just talking about you!" she cooed, petting them. "Are you all full now? Can Mommy go back to Daddy and get this Valentine's Day started?"
The hyenas yipped happily, licking her face with blood-stained jaws. "Ok, good," she said, picking up their leashes. "Well, I'll leave you boys to it – enjoy your date, Johnny."
"She's not my date…" repeated Crane, but he was cut off as a familiar figure burst through the glass ceiling of the café, landing in front of the hyenas, who snarled, baring their hackles at him.
"Oh good, just what we need," commented Tetch, as Batman glared at them. "The Jabbatwocky."
"Don't you have someplace to be today, you big jerk?" snapped Harley. "Like Selina's?"
"I do generally try to enjoy a quiet Valentine's Days with my girlfriend, but then I get reports of innocent bystanders being mauled to death by hyenas," muttered Batman.
"So why don't you keep your big nose outta it, and keep your undoubtedly small appendage in a certain pussy instead?" demanded Harley. She beamed again. "Mr. J woulda liked that one – I'll have to remember to tell him!"
"You're coming with me to Arkham, Harley," snapped Batman, starting forward.
"Uh uh, no way!" snapped Harley, sliding backwards on her skates. "You ain't ruining my Valentine's Day by locking me up! Mr. J's expecting me back in two minutes, and I ain't making him wait for his Harley pie!"
"That wasn't a request," retorted Batman, reaching out to tackle her.
The hyenas launched themselves at Batman at that moment, knocking him to the ground. "Run, guys!" shouted Harley at Crane and Tetch, as she skated toward the door. "Babies, come!" she shouted, whistling.
The hyenas leapt off Batman, racing after her and soon overtaking her. She grabbed their leashes as they passed, and they pulled her out of the café and down the street.
"He's got the Batmobile," muttered Crane, as he and Tetch ran outside and saw the car parked across the street. "Harley will never be able to outrun him on skates."
"It's really none of our business – we should just get out of here while he's focusing on her," said Tetch, who was fiddling the lock on a nearby car, whose keys had helpfully been left in the ignition. "I don't mind going back to Arkham, but you know Batman would never take us back there without a thorough beating first, and I've no desire to be beaten to a bloody pulp today."
"Yes. I'll drive," said Crane, as Tetch opened the door. Tetch shrugged, sliding over to the passenger seat as Crane took the wheel and sped off into the streets.
"Why are we driving towards Harley?" demanded Tetch. "If Batman's after her, we should be going in the opposite direction!"
"I'm not letting him beat her to a bloody pulp today either!" snapped Crane, driving up beside Harley and unlocking the back door while slamming on the brakes.
"Get in!" he called.
"Thanks, Johnny, you're a pal!" exclaimed Harley, as the hyenas leapt into the backseat, dragging her after them. "And a gentleman, for not leaving a damsel in distress behind."
"Well, I try," agreed Crane. "Not that I would ever describe you as a damsel in distress, Harley."
"No, I meant your girlfriend," said Harley. Crane turned in horror to see Chloe sitting in the backseat, still on her phone.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded.
"This is my car," she retorted, glaring up at him. "I'm not letting criminals go off with it – I'll never get it back."
"Yeah, when a relationship is new, you don't always have trust right away," agreed Harley, nodding.
"For the last time, she's not my…" began Crane.
"Drive!" shouted Tetch, as he saw the Batmobile gaining ground in the side mirrors. Crane slammed his foot on the gas, making a screeching turn down a side street in order to lose him.
"Does anyone have a phone I can borrow to call Mr. J?" asked Harley. "I left mine at home because I thought I'd only be gone for two minutes, but I want to let him know the Bat's on our tail, which is why I'm late getting back."
"I don't own a mobile phone," said Tetch.
"And I don't carry mine regularly," retorted Crane.
"How about you, blondie?" asked Harley, looking at Chloe. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."
"It's Chloe," she said, not looking up from her screen. "And I'm using my phone, so no, you can't borrow it."
"It'll just take a second," said Harley.
"What part of 'I'm using my phone' don't you understand?" asked Chloe, glaring up at her.
"But it's an emergency!" exclaimed Harley. "I don't want puddin' thinking that I'm standing him up on Valentine's Day!"
"Then maybe you should have brought your phone," retorted Chloe, returning her eyes to the screen.
Harley glared at her. "No offense, Johnny, but I'm kinda questioning your taste in women," she said.
"Yes," sighed Crane, as he screeched into another alley. "So am I."