"It seems like it's been a lot longer than two minutes," commented the Joker to the empty hideout, checking his watch. "Where is that useless waste of space? You'd think she'd at least give me a call telling me she's gonna be late…"
The phone rang at that moment. "Ah, that'll be her now," he said, reaching for it. "Pumpkin pie, you're gonna get such a spanking from Daddy when you get back!"
"Um…I'd like to speak to Harleen Quinzel, if she's available," said the uncomfortable male voice on the other end.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Joker. "I won't have strange men calling up my dame on Valentine's Day!"
"She asked me to call her," retorted the man. "Is she available?"
"She did no such thing!" snapped Joker. "Harley would never ask a strange man to call her – she's loyal to a fault! Now beat it before I hunt you down and rip out your tongue for lying!"
"Sir, I'm just trying to confirm a reservation for her," said the man on the other end.
"Oh. Reservation for what?" demanded Joker.
"I'm afraid she asked me to keep that confidential," said the man. "It would be a violation of our customer's privacy to give you that information. Now can I please speak to her?"
"Yeah…sure," said Joker, who obviously wasn't going to let a little thing like privacy foil his curiosity. "Just hang on a sec…Harley!" he shouted. "Phone for you, you worthless brat! Thanks, puddin'," he said, raising the pitch of his voice and putting on an accent in a surprisingly effective impersonation of Harley. "Hiya, Harley Quinn here!"
"Am I speaking with Harleen Quinzel?" asked the man.
"Call me Harley – everyone does!" squeaked Joker. "What can I do ya for?"
"Miss Quinzel, this is Marcus from Dini Towers," said the man. "We're just calling to confirm your reservation – table for two tonight at 7.30 PM. We ask that you please be prompt, since it is Valentine's Day, and we only hold tables for ten minutes after the appointed time. I also just wanted to confirm that you've ordered our Eternal Romance package, which you won't be refunded on if you're late. "
"Rightaroonie!" squeaked Joker. "Can you remind me what that Eternal Romance package is again?"
"It's the height of elegance – a private table festooned with roses, your own personal orchestra, and unlimited champagne," said Marcus. "But again, completely non-refundable."
"Don't worry – there's no way I'm missing my date with puddin'!" squeaked Joker. "He's just the greatest guy in the whole world!"
"Yes, he…certainly sounded like it," said Marcus, slowly.
"Was that sarcasm?" demanded Joker, in his usual voice. "I recognize sarcasm when I hear it! Puddin', give me the phone back!" he squeaked, in Harley's voice again as he snatched the phone from his other hand. "Sorry about him trying to eavesdrop – he's a naughty boy and I'm gonna punish him good! I'd like to see you try, you dumb blonde!" he snapped, snatching the phone back from his other hand. "I'm gonna be the one punishing you! Oh, puddin', I do love a strong, forceful man!" he sighed, snatching the phone back in Harley's voice. "It ain't fair how much better you are than all other men, crazy handsome, hysterically funny, incredibly intelligent, fantastically endowed…"
"We'll see you tonight, Miss Quinzel," interrupted Marcus, hastily hanging up the phone.
"Ugh, how does she talk like that constantly?" demanded Joker, massaging his throat. "I'd lose my voice."
He sighed. "Well, there's no point in hanging around here all day if the worthless dame ain't coming back, and ain't letting me know what her plans are…"
He trailed off slowly. "Wait a minute," he said, turning back to the phone. "Maybe that was her letting me know! The guy said she asked him to call – maybe this is some elaborate setup on her part! She's set up a Valentine's Day scavenger hunt for me, and that was my first clue! I need to head to Dini Towers, and once I'm there, the next part of the scavenger hunt will reveal itself to me. I knew forgetting to feed the babies wasn't in character - she intentionally forgot to feed the mutts so she'd have an excuse to go out and not spoil the surprise. Well, she's smarter than I give her credit for sometimes," he said, heading for the door.
He opened it to a strangely sunny day in Gotham. "Ew, disgusting," he muttered, glaring at it. "Probably should wear sunscreen – I don't live in this town for the sun, y'know, and I burn like crazy because of my ultra-fair skin. That's why the hat is always a good choice," he added, taking it from the hanger, along with his cane. "Good for sun and rain – these things should really come back into fashion. Of course I'm always fashionable - maybe I could start a trend. Although the purple suit thing has never caught on, and God knows why, since it's a killer look."
He whistled, twirling his cane and heading across the street to his car. "I wonder where Bats is this fine Valentine's Day," he commented to himself. "He probably has plans with the Cat, but he can never enjoy her company for very long when there's crime afoot."
At that moment, a car whizzed past him on the street, closely tailed by the Batmobile. "Speak of the devil!" chuckled Joker. "Geez, I'm glad I'm not that guy," he said, watching the car he was pursuing disappear on the horizon. "Gonna be beaten into a pulp on Valentine's Day, and not as a precursor to sex, which is a shame. Unless he's chasing down Kitty Pie, of course, which I find very unlikely!" he chuckled. "You know, it's sad how some couples can't get along," he sighed, unlocking the car and climbing into the driver's seat. "Why would you wanna be with a person when they only infuriate you and make you miserable? Why cling on to something when you get no hint of affection or respect from the other half? It's just such a waste when you idealize someone as your perfect partner, and can't see that the reality is they ain't worthy of your time, and that you've built 'em up in your head to be something they're not. That must be what it's like for women who date heroes – poor deluded idiots," he sighed, starting the engine and backing out into the street. "Thank God Harley's nothing like that."