"Can't this piece of junk go any faster?" demanded Harley, glancing out the window to see the Batmobile hot on their heels.
"It's not a piece of junk," retorted Chloe, not looking up from her phone. "It's just not being driven properly."
"You're welcome to come over here and take the wheel!" snapped Crane.
"Not really – we don't have time to switch seats in the middle of a car chase," commented Tetch.
"Wait, is that Mr. J?" demanded Harley, as she saw a flash of purple out the window. They were speeding by so fast that by the time she had rolled down the window and shouted, "Mr. J! Where are you going? Why are you getting in the car?!", they were already well out of earshot.
"Mr. J!" Harley continued to scream.
"He can't hear you, Harley," retorted Tetch.
"I know that!" snapped Harley, slamming her fists against the car. "Aw, criminey, if he's left the hideout my plans for today are already ruined! Johnny, can you turn around and try and tail his car?"
"With the Batmobile on our tail?" demanded Crane, gripping the wheel in sudden panic when he saw a string of cars stopped at a red light in front of him. Then he thought for a moment. "Yes, I can," he added quietly.
He swung the car around, the tires screeching as he made a sudden u-turn and sent the vehicle onto two wheels, tilting up into the air. When it landed, he slammed on the accelerator, zipping past the Batmobile as it slammed on the brakes too late to stop it rear-ending a stopped car.
"That was a great piece of driving, Johnny!" exclaimed Harley, as she watched Batman slowly climb out of the smoking Batmobile to face the angry driver. "Now follow the purple car!"
"How did you know the car wasn't going to tip over?" gasped Tetch, who was visibly shaken.
"I didn't," retorted Crane. "But I'm feeling rather reckless today."
"You could have killed us all!" snapped Chloe. "And you could have wrecked my car!"
"But I didn't," repeated Crane, who was trying to keep his eyes on the purple car, which stood out even in Gotham's dense traffic.
"If you get near enough, I'll jump out with the babies, and they can pull me so I'm close enough to grab his car," said Harley, her hand on the door handle.
"I think there's a traffic light up ahead, so he might slow down…" began Tetch, but that hope was soon dashed as they watched the purple car drive through the green light, which then instantly changed to yellow as they approached it, and finally red as they reached it.
"Just run it, Johnny!" shouted Harley. "We can't lose him!"
Crane sighed, about to do just that, when something suddenly crashed through the sunroof of the car. "Ok, everyone out of the…wait, Johnny, Jervis, Harley, what are you all doing here?"
They turned to see that Catwoman had landed in the backseat, with her cat perched on her shoulder and a large bag of loot in her claws.
"Selina, we just lost your boyfriend!" exclaimed Harley. "You should have landed in here a few minutes ago – you'd have been a much better distraction than forcing his car to crash into some randomer's. Sorry if he's hurt, by the way, but I'm not really that sorry."
"If you're referring to Batman, he's my ex-boyfriend," retorted Catwoman. "I thought it would be easier if we broke up prior to Valentine's Day, firstly so I wouldn't have to suffer the disappointment of being abandoned halfway through lunch, which I always am, and secondly so I can visit a few rich people's apartments and steal the new jewels they bought their other halves today. It's quite a haul…"
"Great, because you owe me a lot for damaging my car!" shouted Chloe, pointing at the broken sunroof.
"Who's this?" asked Selina.
"Johnny's date," said Harley.
"No, she's not…" began Crane.
"Light's green," interrupted Selina, and Crane slammed his foot on the accelerator, sending the tires screeching.
"Do you still see Mr. J up ahead?" asked Harley, craning her neck.
"Wow, you're having to chase him on Valentine's Day now?" asked Selina. "That's sad."
"No, it's all a big misunderstanding," said Harley. "Kinda a long story, but I don't know why he's heading out or where he's going, and if we lose him, I won't find out and I'll miss Valentine's Day with him! That's the most important day of the year, and I won't miss it, not for anything!"
"Harley, I think he might have turned down one of these side-streets," commented Tetch. "I don't see him anywhere."
"No, no, no, he's got to be there!" exclaimed Harley, standing up and leaning over the front seat for a better look. This removed the barrier between the hyenas and Catwoman, but more importantly, her cat, which began hissing at them. The hyenas snarled back, baring their hackles and barking. The cat immediately leapt from Catwoman's shoulder out the car window, and the hyenas instantly followed suit, chasing after her with wagging tails.
"Oh my God, tell your mutts to stop harassing my baby!" shouted Selina, as the cars next to them slammed on their brakes to avoid hitting the animals, who ran across the street and into a nearby park.
"Babies! Come back! Leave the kitty alone! Babies!" called Harley, throwing open the door and skating after them with Selina on her heels.
"Harley, I can't park here in the middle of the road!" shouted Crane after her, as the cars surrounding them began honking.
"Then get my car off the goddamn road!" shouted Chloe, who barely glanced up from her phone. "And don't let that woman get away without paying for the damage to it!"
"We're going to lose them in the park if we're not careful," commented Tetch, as Crane looked for a space to park the car by the roadside. "Which I honestly wouldn't object to at this point. It seems like we should leave Harley to take care of herself…"
"We can't just abandon her on her own when she doesn't know where her paramour has gone!" interrupted Crane.
"I don't see why not – she'll hunt him down eventually, and she'll be more successful than any of us at doing that, as she knows how he thinks," retorted Tetch. "And of course while I wouldn't normally advocate abandoning ladies in the wilderness, Harley is more than capable of handling herself, as is Selina. I've had enough adventure for one day - I'm not a man of action, and I'm not cut out for this wild and fast-paced living."
"Look, Batman won't be out of action for long, and I'm not letting him hurt Harley if he finds her!" snapped Crane, parking the car and jumping out. "You can stay here if you like and see that no more damage occurs to Chloe's car."
"That would involve staying with Chloe," retorted Tetch, as he sprinted after his friend into the park. "Where do you suppose they've gone?" he asked, looking around.
"Follow the shouting," retorted Crane, doing just that. They rounded a corner to see that Catwoman's cat had climbed a tree, and the hyenas were at the base of it, jumping up and growling at the cat. Harley tried to hold them back, shouting at them to leave the cat alone, while Catwoman was climbing up the tree after her cat.
"Johnny, Jervis, help her drag the mutts away!" shouted Catwoman, spying them.
"Babies, come on!" cried Harley, yanking their leashes futilely. "You can play with the kitty later!"
"They most certainly cannot!" snapped Selina, picking up her cat and petting it comfortingly. "Poor Isis baby," she cooed. "Don't worry about the big, mean, ugly hyenas – I won't let them hurt you."
"They ain't ugly!" snapped Harley. "Or mean! They just wanna play! I can't help it that your cat is stuck-up, just like you!"
"I'm not going anywhere near those animals," said Tetch. "They're wild beasts and they'll probably turn on anyone who isn't Harley."
"Fine, I'll do it!" snapped Crane, grabbing one of the hyena's leashes. He used all of his strength in one mighty pull, which sent the hyena backwards into him, knocking them both into a bed of roses.
"Johnny, are you ok?" asked Harley, who immediately rushed over to help him up.
"Yes, I think so…" began Crane, but the ground suddenly began to rumble beneath them. An instant later, the rose bush rose up, enveloping Crane, Harley, and the hyenas in a thicket of its branches, which instantly grew over them, trapping them inside the bush. Thorns lined the walls, so there was no possibility of climbing out without serious injury.
"What on earth…" began Crane, looking around in astonishment.
"This is one of Red's traps!" gasped Harley, horrified. "She told me she was doing this for Valentine's Day to all of the rose bushes in Gotham, so that any selfish human who tried to pick roses would be trapped forever in a bush of thorns until they starved to death!"
"Well...there's no need to panic just yet," said Crane. "It's just a plant, after all – what's the worst that can happen? And yes, I realize how naive that sounds when I think about what Ivy's done with plants before. Jervis, can you hear us?" he called.
"Only just!" Tetch called back, his voice very faint. "Are you all right?"
"We're trapped in this plant!" shouted Crane. "Can you get some hedge clippers or something?"
"Or call Red!" shouted Harley. "I'm sure she can command this thing to open up!"
"I'll call her," said Selina's voice. They waited a few seconds before Selina said, "Her phone's turned off. I imagine she has plans on Valentine's Day that mean she doesn't want to be disturbed."
"Can you claw through the plant, Selina?" called Harley.
"Those thorns look crazy sharp and thick – I think Ivy's fortified them with something," said Selina. "I'm not even sure tools will work in breaking through them, but I'll go steal some and try! Back in a second!"
"Try not to panic," said Tetch. "Plants secrete oxygen, after all, so you shouldn't suffocate, whatever happens."
"Yes, thank you, Jervis, that's…comforting," said Crane, slowly. "We'll just…wait here then."
"Oh, this is a disaster!" said Harley, burying her face in her hands as the hyenas nuzzled against her. "We've lost Mr. J, and now we're trapped in this dumb plant! Who knows when we'll get out, if we do at all? And if we do, I bet it'll be after Valentine's Day, so I'll miss my special day with puddin', and he'll be pissed that I just disappeared without telling him, so he'll probably kick me out and never speak to me again!"
She began loudly sobbing, and Crane went over to comfort her. "There, there," he said, putting an arm around her. "I'm sure they'll be able to cut us out. And if not, I'm sure they can find Ivy, who can get us out of here in no time. There's no need to give into despair just yet."
"You're right," said Harley, forcing a smile and wiping her eyes. "You're right, Johnny. I'm just being silly. I'm sorry, it's just been a rough day. I get so stressed wanting everything to be perfect for Valentine's Day. It just means a lot to me, y'know? The day we celebrate me and Mr. J as a couple, which is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I just want the day to be as special as he's always made me feel. It's nice to have that in your life, someone who makes you feel special."
"Yes, it is," agreed Crane. "Or I imagine it would be," he muttered under his breath.
The hyenas had curled up next to Harley, settling themselves down to wait on her lap, and one of them plopped himself in Crane's lap, since he had his arm around Harley. Crane glared at him, then glanced over at Harley.
"Still, I suppose there are worse places to be trapped," he commented. "And worse people to be trapped with."
"You got that right," agreed Harley. "At least the babies are here to comfort me," she said, petting them.
"Yes…the babies," agreed Crane.
"And you," continued Harley, leaning against his shoulder. "Thanks for being such a great friend as always, Johnny."
"My pleasure, my dear," he said, as she shut her eyes and cuddled against him. He sighed and adjusted his arm around her – while the situation wasn't ideal, being trapped in a thorny plant with no way out, it was nevertheless shaping up to be the best Valentine's Day he'd had in a long time.