"I have gardening tools at my hideout if we need them," said Tetch, as he followed Selina out of the park. "It might be easier than stealing them, since I can't think of any gardening centers in central Gotham, and the hideout's not far."
"You have heavy duty stuff?" asked Selina, sceptically. "Like electric hedge trimmers and chainsaws?"
"Yes," replied Tetch. "You're surprised by that?"
"Well, yeah - I don't really think of you as a tool guy," said Selina, shrugging.
"Why is that?" asked Tetch. "I have quite a green thumb – I used to help with the gardening all the time on my estate in England. I planted white roses that I then painted red. It doesn't work as well as you'd expect."
"I hope you didn't tell Ivy about that," said Selina. "And speaking of Ivy, I want to see if she's at her hideout first. It's also not far, and it'll be less effort than trying to chop through whatever she's fortified the plant with. It also might spare us her wrath when she finds out we've done that."
"Won't it be terribly awkward to just show up at her hideout if Miss Ivy is…in fligrante delicto, shall we say?" asked Tetch, slowly.
"Probably," agreed Selina, shrugging. "But it serves her right for interrupting my date with Batman the other year by launching that plant attack on Gotham."
"I thought she was your friend," said Tetch. "Shouldn't you forgive and forget something that happened two years ago?"
"Oh Jervis, you have no idea how any kind of relationships work," sighed Selina. "Backstabbing and petty vengeance is pretty much the norm among people."
"I see. Perhaps one reason why I was never able to quite get on with people," muttered Tetch.
"Where do you two think you're going?" demanded Chloe, who had climbed out of the car and was now leaning against it with her arms folded across her chest. "Because you're not going anywhere until you pay for my car."
"Honey, I admire your guts," said Selina. "But I'm not giving you my hard-earned loot. Your car's insured, right?"
"Not against acts committed by supervillains or superheroes!" snapped Chloe. "Nothing in this city is!"
"Well, I'm not technically a supervillain or a superhero," said Selina. "So that should be loophole enough for the insurance people, right? Just tell 'em it was Catwoman – they have to make an exception for me."
"I don't," retorted Chloe. "And I know a lawyer who specializes in personal injury who will sue you both for the damage to the car, and for the glass which cut me. Look, I'm horribly injured," she said, holding up a scratched finger.
"Apparently not enough," retorted Catwoman. "Geez, I don't rate him highly, but I think even Johnny can do better than a catch like you."
"She's actually Edward Nygma's date," said Tetch. "But she insisted on tagging along with us when we stole her car."
"Oh, well, that explains it," said Selina. "She's much more suited to Eddie."
"She's using him in the hopes that when he dies, she'll receive his body," continued Tetch.
"Yeah, that does seem like the only kinda woman who could be interested in Eddie," sighed Selina. "Look, sweetheart, there's nothing wrong with using men for financial ends – I'm a material girl myself. But have a little class about it."
"That's easy for you to say – you're Catwoman," retorted Chloe. "Not all of us can be as glamorous as you."
"That's true," sighed Catwoman. "All right – come on," she said, popping back into the car. "I'll try and steal you something nice to make up for the damage."
"Can't we walk?" asked Tetch. "Or take public transport? The weather is glorious today, and I'm just not hugely comfortable remaining in a dangerous vehicle in the company of somebody who wants to collect supercriminals' bodies."
"Don't worry – yours isn't worth crap," retorted Chloe, as she climbed back into the backseat.
"Charming," sighed Tetch, as he climbed into the passenger's seat. "Why couldn't she have been trapped by the giant plant? We wouldn't have to rescue her," he muttered under his breath.
They arrived at Ivy's hideout to see a note taped to the door. Catwoman took it, and read it out loud:
Dear Harley,
Sorry the clown's kicked you out again like the scumbag he is, particularly on Valentine's Day. I can't be there to hear all about it this year, as I'm in Brazil with Harvey, but I'm sure it would just be more of the same anyway. I know you'd never really leave him, unfortunately, so my presence really isn't necessary as you know what I'd say, and I know you'd just ignore it. Feel free to discreetly break into the apartment for some alone time and a crying session though. There's ice cream in the freezer, but I've put a lock on the alcohol cabinet for your own good after last year. If you haven't run back to that abusive monster by the time I've returned, there might be some hope for you, but I'm not holding my breath.
Lots of love,
Ivy
"Great. Her phone's off, and she's out of the country," sighed Selina, looking up from the note. "I guess we're gonna have to try to cut open the plant then. Let's head to yours, Jervis," she said, crumpling up the note and throwing it over her shoulder. "It's not far, is it?"
"No, it's close enough to walk," said Tetch. "Which I'd very much like to do – I still haven't recovered from Jonathan almost tipping over the car. That's so unlike him."
"Well, wanting to please the people we care about makes us do strange things," sighed Selina. "People act like total idiots when they're in love. Well, look who I'm talking to, Mr. Brainwashed His Secretary," she added, nodding at Tetch.
"I didn't brainwash her – I temporarily controlled her mind," snapped Tetch. "Brainwashing would have been far more effective, but there's something sinister and underhanded about that. I wouldn't be party to anything so nefarious."
"Right. Because mind control isn't that," said Selina, sarcastically. "No wonder you people are all in Arkham."
"You people?" repeated Tetch. "You are a stone's throw away from Arkham, Miss Kyle, and don't pretend otherwise. In fact, some would argue that your closeness to Batman qualifies you more than the rest of us. You know who else is close to Batman? The Joker."
"Wow, I really hope you're not comparing my relationship with Batman to the Joker's relationship with Batman," replied Selina. "Because they are in no way similar."
"You both adore him and want to spend all your time with him," pointed out Tetch.
"Not anymore," retorted Selina. "I told you, we broke up. He's now my greatest enemy."
"Which I'm sure is how the Joker would describe him," retorted Tetch.
"I don't want to spend any time with him anymore," continued Catwoman. "I'll be happy if I never see him again."
"I think you're gonna be disappointed," voiced Chloe, as they reached the door of the apartment complex. She pointed outside to her car, where Batman stood, looming over it and clearly identifying it as the vehicle that had escaped him earlier.
"Great, we'd better slip out the back," sighed Selina. "C'mon."
"What's he gonna do to my car?" demanded Chloe. "If he's impounding it, he's paying to get it out."
"Yeah, good luck suing Batman," retorted Selina.
"If it were possible, we all would have done it a thousand times by now," agreed Tetch. "I, for one, would launch a billion dollar lawsuit as compensation for his numerous assaults on my person. It's no less than he deserves."
"I need the bathroom," announced Chloe, the moment they were outside the apartment complex.
"Why didn't you say so sooner?" demanded Selina. "We could have broken into Ivy's and used hers!"
"I didn't need it sooner," retorted Chloe.
"Well, we don't have time for bathroom breaks now – we're trying to avoid detection by the World's Greatest Detective, who is sure to have followed us into that apartment complex," snapped Selina. "Can't you just go in the alley?"
"That's disgusting," said Chloe, wrinkling her nose. "Anyway, there's a gas station just across the street there. You guys can duck in there to avoid Batman – I won't be a second."
"We really should just abandon her here," said Selina, as she and Tetch perused the gas station store while Chloe headed back to the toilet. "I mean, we really don't have time for this."
"You two got a hot date planned, or what?" chuckled a familiar voice. "Now there's a joke so sick not even I could come up with it!"
They both turned to see the Joker standing by the counter, a huge grin on his face. "I never thought I'd see Hatty and Catty together on Valentine's Day!" he giggled. "How's that for an unlikely ship? You could call you guys Hatwoman!"
"What are you doing here, J?" demanded Selina.
"Getting gas," retorted Joker, nodding at the Jokermobile hooked up to the gas pump outside. "What else would I be doing at a gas station? These things aren't worth knocking off these days - nobody pays cash anymore. The more pressing question is what are you doing here?"
"We're just on our way to Jervis's," said Selina. "To pick up some gardening tools."
"Right, gardening tools," said Joker, winking at her. "That's a pretty crummy euphemism, I gotta say, and one I'd associate more with your plant pal. It's ok, sweetheart, there's nothing to be ashamed of. You're doing some slumming since you and Bats broke up – you're going for the polar opposite of him, and scraping the bottom of the barrel there. It's the weirdest rebound I've ever seen, but as long as you're happy, I'm happy for you."
"We're not a couple, you sick freak!" snapped Selina. "I am spending Valentine's Day alone, ripping off some rich snobs! But I ran into Jervis and Jonathan and Harley…"
"You ran into Harley?" interrupted Joker. "Where is she? Actually, never mind, I don't want to know," he said, shaking his head. "It'll ruin the surprise she's set up. If you see her again, tell her I got the message about Dini Towers though – that's where I'm heading now. I'm sure I'll receive further instructions once I get there, right?"
"I don't know what the hell she's got planned," retorted Selina. "But it's odd that whatever it is has kept her away from you – normally she's on you like glue."
"Tell me about it," sighed Joker. "Nice to be able to breathe for once. Can I get some Skittles along with the gas, pal?" he asked, turning to the attendant behind the counter. "And a couple packets of cigarettes?"
"Yes sir, Mr. Joker, sir," said the man, reaching behind the counter.
"I skipped breakfast, y'see," explained Joker. "Woke up and got a shower while Harley was starting breakfast, but then she got distracted when I stepped out of the shower, and she saw a piece of meat she'd rather eat, if you get what I'm saying…"
"You are not subtle, and that's not an image I wanted," interrupted Catwoman.
"I know, pussy, that's why I said it!" chuckled Joker, as the attendant handed him a packet of Skittles and some cigarettes. Joker handed him a few bills, saying, "Keep the change, pal. At least for now - give it to a charity or something so I'll get it back eventually when I rob one of Bruce Wayne's charity galas. Well, I'll leave you losers to it," he said, turning to go. "Harley's got a special Valentine's Day surprise planned for me which I'm sure will involve lots of sex. I wish I could say the same for you, but I really don't rate the Hat guy's stamina. But then maybe he'll surprise you."
"We're really not a couple…" repeated Tetch.
"Yeah, I'm really interested to hear about Harley's surprise, actually," interrupted Selina. "Because we left her in a cozy situation with Scarecrow. And you know how he's always felt about her – it seems odd that her plans involve spending the day in an intimate setting with him rather than you."
Joker's smile never wavered, but there was a strange spark in his eyes as he replied, "Even if I believe that, which I don't, I'm sure this is all something she's planned for me. You know Harley – she's obsessed with me, and she's obsessed with Valentine's Day. She'd never want to spend it with anyone else."
"Well, I hope you're right," said Selina. "I mean, maybe that's her surprise – that you're dumped. Wouldn't that be a great joke to play on you for Valentine's Day after the way you've treated her all these years?"
"Oh pussy pie, you just have no idea about good jokes, do you?" he chuckled. "But then what am I saying – you're with the hat freak today, so clearly you do!" he laughed, heading for the door.
"Selina, what on earth are you doing, stirring things like that?" snapped Tetch. "Why would you want to make him jealous?"
"Because the smug bastard deserves it for the things he said about you and me," muttered Selina. "And for the way he always treats Harley."
"And you think he'll treat her better if you get him jealous?" demanded Tetch.
"No, but it's funny to see that smile forced onto his stupid face for once," retorted Selina, as Chloe emerged from the bathroom. "C'mon, let's beat it."
"Happy Valentine's, losers!" called Joker from his car. He noticed Chloe leaving with them, and waved at Selina. "I stand corrected, kitty pie – I see now that it's not Tetchy you're interested in, but just someone else to make it an odd number! A threesome totally sounds like your idea of romance! You go, girl! And Tetchy, I never thought you'd have sex with any woman, let alone two at once! High five for living the dream, buddy!"
"Seriously, how do you expect me to resist riling him up?" demanded Selina, as the Jokermobile screeched off into the street.
"I know it's hard," sighed Tetch. "But really, you're not doing Harley any favors. I mean, I hope we'll be able to get her out of that plant soon, but who knows how the Joker will react if she really does stand him up today?"
"She won't," said Selina, confidently. "Trust me."
Tetch sighed. "On your head be it," he muttered. "I only hope you don't lose it."