The Joker strode into Dini Towers, munching on the Skittles he had bought. "Hey, pal," he said to the server. "I think you've got a reservation for me."
"And your name is?" asked the server, not looking up.
"I don't know my real name – folks just call me the Joker and it's stuck," retorted Joker.
"Your name is Joker?" asked the man, scanning the list. "Do you know what name the reservation is under?"
"I would assume Joker," retorted Joker. "Or maybe Quinn, or Quinzel. The phone call was requested by Quinzel, so probably that."
"We do have a reservation for Quinzel, but not until 7.30 PM," said the server. "You're several hours early."
"I know," said Joker. "Because I was told not to be late, if you know what I mean."
"I think it means that you should arrive in a timely manner, not several hours early," retorted the man.
"No, look, the reservation for Quinzel," continued Joker. "I received a phone call telling me not to be late, if you get my drift."
"You think there's some hidden meaning in that message, do you?" asked the server, still not looking up at him.
"Yeah, it makes sense if you know my girlfriend," said Joker. "She's set up some kinda Valentine's Day surprise, and she's left me clues to follow, like a scavenger hunt. The first clue was this phone call from here telling me not to be late, which means to head here and get the second clue."
"I'm aware of no such clue," retorted the man.
"Well, maybe your manager is – can I speak to him?" asked Joker.
The man sighed. "Fine," he said, turning to go fetch his superior. He still hadn't seen who the customer was.
"Just tell him to come back later!" hissed the manager, when he returned with the server. "What's the worst that could happ…"
He trailed off when he saw who the customer was. "Mr. Joker, sir, please come in and sit down!" he exclaimed, forcing a smile onto his horrified face. "Let's get you some champagne!"
"Thanks, I appreciate some customer service at last," said Joker, as the manager ushered him over to a table.
"Where is the charming Miss Quinn on this fine Valentine's Day?" asked the manager, as the server rushed off to fetch champagne and glasses.
"Good, you're familiar with Harley," said Joker, as he took a seat. "She left some instructions for you, right? About me being here?"
"Yes, she…said she'd like our finest table for two, and the Eternal Romance package," said the manager. "Unfortunately the musicians aren't going to be here until tonight, but we can certainly provide you with the champagne and decorate with the roses right now."
"So she just wants me to wait here, and the next clue in the scavenger hunt will come to me?" asked Joker.
"Um...yes, very possibly," agreed the manager. "I'm sure Miss Quinn has several delightful surprises planned for today – a scavenger hunt certainly sounds romantic. But sadly she didn't inform me of that part of her plan. However, I'm sure she's made the necessary arrangements for the next bearer of the scavenger hunt clue to meet you, as organized as she is. She booked this table a month in advance, so I'm sure she had plenty of time to carefully plan an ideal surprise."
"Yeah, I'll keep my eye out," agreed Joker, as the server brought him a bottle of champagne. "Hope she doesn't keep me waiting too long though – I don't wanna look like some loser who can't get a date sitting here in a fancy restaurant alone on Valentine's Day. I mean, how pathetic would that be?" he chuckled, lighting a cigarette as the server handed him a glass of champagne. "Some sucker being stood up on Valentine's Day – I can't imagine anything more embarrassing!"
…
"PLANTY. CAN. YOU. HEAR ME?" shouted Harley, slowly and loudly enunciating each word as she bent over one of the roses and spoke into the flower. "IT'S. IVY'S. FRIEND. HARLEY. CAN. YOU. OPEN. UP. AND. LET. US. OUT?"
"I don't think that's going to work, Harley," voiced Crane. "I don't think plants can understand English."
"Yeah, I dunno how Red communicates with 'em," sighed Harley, glumly settling back down with the hyenas. "I just thought it was worth a shot. If my babies can understand basic instructions like 'come' and 'sit,' then I was hoping Red's babies also had a basic grasp of English."
"Yes," said Crane, not completely convinced that the hyenas knew the meanings of those words either – he'd seen no evidence of it so far today. "The logic is sound, but sadly the results are not encouraging. We'll just have to hope that Jervis and Selina were successful in their endeavor."
"We're back!" shouted Selina's voice from outside the plant. "Ivy's gone to Brazil, so she's no help, but we've got some electric hedge clippers! Make sure you guys stand to one side!"
"Oh God, I hope Red doesn't find out about this!" gasped Harley, holding the hyenas tightly as she and Crane moved to the far side of the plant.
There was a buzzing sound from outside, followed by an abrupt clang. "Ok, well, that didn't work," said Selina. "The thorns actually broke the metal on this thing…let's try the chainsaw!"
They heard another buzzing from outside, abruptly cut off by a familiar voice saying, "Put down the chainsaw, Selina."
"Stay outta this, Bats, it has nothing to do with you!" snapped Selina. "Last I checked, gardening wasn't a crime for anyone but Ivy!"
"No, but you're associating with some people I need to arrest for reckless endangerment," retorted Batman.
"For the record, I wasn't driving the car," said Tetch. "In fact, I'm a victim of reckless endangerment which was caused by you chasing us."
"Yeah, and you owe me for any damages my car's sustained, since without you chasing us, none of this would have happened!" shouted Chloe.
"I am trying to apprehend some dangerous animals and their owner!" snapped Batman. "Plus whoever was driving that car and crashed mine!"
"Well, they're all in the plant," retorted Selina. "And good luck getting them out. You can try the chainsaw if you want, but knowing Ivy, that plant is stronger than steel. We might just have to leave them there until she gets back from Brazil."
"No, no, no, you can't do that!" shouted Harley. "I can't miss Valentine's Day with Mr. J! He'll never forgive me!"
"Yes, but that's really not the biggest concern for me right now!" exclaimed Crane. "It's more how we're supposed to cope without hygiene and toilet facilities inside a plant over a matter of days! Particularly when the hyenas have shown no such concern for hygiene or toilet facilities thus far!"
Batman sighed heavily. "An easy solution to my problems would be to leave you in there," he said. "At least you're locked up. But it does seem a little inhumane – we'll need to cut through this with something heavier than a chainsaw."
"A Bat-chainsaw?" suggested Selina, sarcastically.
"No, but I'm sure I have something in the Batcave that'll work," said Batman. "I'll be right back."
"Can somebody go with him?" suggested Crane. "So I know he's not just going to abandon us in here? Jervis?"
"You must be joking," retorted Tetch.
"I'll go," voiced Chloe. "Batman's body would be worth more than any supervillain if he died suddenly. And if I was with him when he died, it would definitely go to me."
"Who are you, and what are you talking about?" asked Batman, clearly uncomfortable.
"No, I'll go with him," sighed Selina. "Although he's the last person I want to spend Valentine's Day with, for the record."
"That's not what you said last year," retorted Batman.
"Well, that was last year," said Selina. "I'm free and single now, and there are lots of better men out there for me than you."
"Yeah, while you two are arguing on Valentine's Day, I'm missing Valentine's Day with Mr. J, so get going!" shouted Harley. "Chop chop! The sooner you're gone, the sooner you're back here getting us out! I'm so sorry about the babies, Johnny," she continued, turning to Crane. "They do tend to make messes."
"It's not your fault," said Crane. "That's what wild animals do – it's just nature."
"Yeah, but nature is gross and disgusting a lotta the time," sighed Harley. "That's why I live in a city – to get away from nature."
"Well, quite," agreed Crane. "Being stuck in a plant has brought me closer to nature, and has not improved my opinion of it."
"This is probably your worst Valentine's Day ever, huh?" asked Harley.
"Oh, good Lord, no," said Crane. "Even trapped in a plant with hyena waste, it's not even scraping my bottom ten..."