The Joker had waited about twenty minutes when he recognized two customers entering Dini Towers. "Ah, now here's some familiar faces!" he exclaimed. "It's about time!"
"Joker? What are you doing here?" asked Killer Croc, as he came over to the table with his date on his arm - literally. Baby Doll sat perched on his bicep.
"Oh, I think you know, Crocky old boy," retorted Joker.
"Uh…no, I don't," said Croc, slowly. "Baby and I are here to get a Valentine's Day brunch, but that would be a weird thing for you to be getting alone. But then again, you are kinda weird, so maybe it isn't."
"If I were in a relationship with a virtual child, I wouldn't be calling other people weird, Croc," retorted Joker.
"I'm not a child!" snapped Baby Doll.
"Oh yeah? Where do you get your clothes? Baby Gap," said Joker. Then he laughed. "Get it? Baby Doll and Baby Gap…"
"Yeah, it's really not funny or true," interrupted Baby Doll. "But why were you acting like you were expecting us?"
"Well, I'm expecting someone," retorted Joker. "Harley's done a scavenger hunt for Valentine's Day, and somebody's meant to meet me here with the next clue. I thought she might have brought you guys in on it."
"Well gee, I don't think she did," said Croc, scratching his head
"You don't think she did," repeated Joker. "Can't you remember?"
"Well, I guess she coulda told me something that I forgot," said Croc, shrugging. "But if I forgot it, I wouldn't know I forgot it, would I?"
"No, never mind, Harley knows better than to trust you with important messages," sighed Joker. "There must be someone else coming. Unless she spoke to you, Baby?"
"I haven't seen Harley in months," said Baby Doll.
"No, remember, Baby, we saw her the other week," said Croc.
"I didn't," repeated Baby Doll. "Did you see her without me?"
"Yeah, she was breaking the hyenas out of the zoo," said Croc. "And I was there breaking out some crocodiles. I just hate to see 'em caged up…"
"You two did a caper together?" asked Baby Doll, her eyes flashing jealousy.
"No, not together – we were just there at the same time," said Croc. "But I can't remember her saying anything about a scavenger hunt, but that's not to say she didn't…"
"Maybe she didn't say anything – maybe you two just bonded over your love of animals!" snapped Baby Doll. "And maybe that led to a little animal attraction of your own!"
"Wow, I think I have to fight you for Harley's honor if you're implying that she had anything romantically to do with Croc," said Joker. "Because that's an incredible insult to her."
"No, it isn't!" shrieked Baby Doll. "Crocky's the best, and jealous women are always trying to steal him from me!"
"Blind women maybe!" snapped Joker. "Which Harley ain't!"
"Hey, I'm right here!" snapped Croc.
"Precious treats me with respect and dignity, two things I know you don't give to Harley!" continued Baby Doll. "Why wouldn't she want an upgrade in the boyfriend department?"
"Ok, I really am fighting you for that," said Joker, standing up. "Because you're personally insulting me by calling Croc a better boyfriend than me!"
"Pick on someone your own size, Joker," warned Croc, towering above him. "Now let's all just calm down before someone gets hurt – Baby and I are trying to have a nice, romantic brunch, and we can't do that if I'm going to have to beat your head into the wall."
"I'd really like to see you try," said Joker, facing up to him.
"What's going on here?" asked the manager, hurrying over. "Nothing untoward, I hope? Mr. Waylon Jones and Miss Mary Dahl, I presume? Your table is ready – it's at the opposite end of the restaurant. Please do follow me," he said, ushering them away.
"Crazy, I tell ya," muttered Joker to himself, sitting back down "As if they're in any position to criticize my relationship with Harley. And how anybody could be paranoid about other women stealing that thing, I'll never know."
He sipped his champagne. "Of course Pammie does often say that about me, that Harley should never be jealous because nobody else would ever want me, but she's an idiot too. I'm a total catch, and all the chicks love me. Except Pammie, but she's into plants, so what does she know?"
He lit another cigarette. "I guess I'll trust Croc when he says he doesn't know anything about the scavenger hunt though – he's too dumb to lie. Which means I should be expecting someone else. Whoever they are, they better not keep me waiting too long," he added, glancing at his watch. "I have pretty much every other virtue, but I am not a patient man."
…
"What exactly are we getting here?" asked Selina, as Batman jumped out of the Batmobile and began looking around the Batcave. It was the first time they had spoken since leaving the park.
"I'm going to make up a bomb," said Batman, heading over to his chemistry set. "Out of explosives and weed killer. Hopefully detonating that will take the plant out."
"What if the explosion hurts Harley or Scarecrow?" asked Selina.
"That's a risk I'm willing to take," retorted Batman. "But if the shell's so thick that a chainsaw won't cut through it, I don't think the explosion will reach them - hopefully it'll just blow a hole in the shell."
"I just don't want to see Harley hurt," said Selina. "She's my friend. And if she gets seriously injured by an explosion, her useless boyfriend will probably rather dump her than take care of her, and that'll hurt her more than the explosion will."
"Maybe she needs to find a better boyfriend then," retorted Batman. "It's her own fault she stays with that monster – she's been given several opportunities to leave the clown, and she's been shown time and again that he doesn't care about her. So I have very little sympathy for her at this point. Sometimes you have to stop caring and just let people live with the mistakes they make - it's her decision, so she can handle the consequences. She chooses to stay with him, so she brings pain on herself."
"It's my understanding that she enjoys a little pain," said Selina. "But it's still hard to watch as her friend. You can't always respect a friend's choices if they're terrible. And she never respected my choice to date you."
"She probably respects you dumping me, though," muttered Batman.
"Actually no," said Selina. "She's always sad when love affairs end, even if she doesn't like the people involved in them – I think in her eyes everyone should live happily ever after, like she thinks she and Joker will."
"Crazy," muttered Batman.
"No arguments here," agreed Selina. "I stopped believing in happily ever afters a long time ago."
"Me too," agreed Batman. "Real life doesn't work out like that. Real life is messy and painful and complicated, and there are no happy endings. Only bitter ones."
"I'm not bitter about us," said Selina. "Are you?"
Batman shrugged. "I think…we were good for each other. I'm just disappointed I have to lose your influence from my life. You taught me…I don't always have to be so serious."
"Joker's been trying to teach you that for years," retorted Selina.
"Well, it only got through with you," replied Batman. "I was…happy when we were together. I hadn't been happy in a long time, and I don't know when I will be again. I miss that. I miss you."
"Well, it never coulda worked out, you know that," said Selina. "I mean, a thief and a hero? We'd always fundamentally disagree about the law, about life…"
"You can disagree with someone and still respect them," interrupted Batman. "You can disagree with someone and still love them. Maybe I am too…uptight and rigid. I mean, I break the law. I take it into my own hands every night. I don't steal, but I've never needed to. Maybe if I had lived the life you had, I'd be more sympathetic to what you do. But I think…ultimately you're one of the good guys. And so am I. So it's not an insurmountable difference."
"Bats, I'm very flattered that you're saying all these nice things to me on Valentine's Day," said Selina. "It's rare for you to say more than a few words at any time, so I'm doubly flattered. But it's not what you say that matters…"
"I know," interrupted Batman. "That's why I never talk. I know how useless talking is. I'm a man of action, and that's what matters. That's the only thing that matters."
He lit a fire and began mixing some chemicals together as Selina watched. "So you're saying you still love me?" she asked, quietly.
"Of course I do," he replied, keeping his eyes glued to the chemicals.
"So show me," she said. "Be a man of action. Because that's the kinda man I love. A man who acts to put me first, before Gotham, before anyone. If you can do that…you'll be my hero."
"I can't promise to put you before Gotham if she's in danger," murmured Batman, turning to face her.
"Maybe not," agreed Selina. "But can you put me before Scarecrow and Harley?"
Batman grinned, a rare sight that sent Selina's heart racing despite herself. Then he seized her in his arms, kissing her passionately. Selina responded instantly, sliding her arms around his neck and pulling herself tighter against him.
"You better turn down that fire," she murmured, grinning at him.
"No, I'm just getting started," murmured Batman, reaching for the zipper on her suit.
"I meant the chemical burner over there," she said, nodding at the table. "Don't wanna have fires burning around explosive chemicals if you're gonna be otherwise occupied."
"Oh yeah…sorry," said Batman, hurrying over to turn off the burner. "I thought it was an innuendo…I'm still working on that being less serious thing and trying to embrace euphemisms, but I need more practice at figuring them out."
"You can embrace me instead," purred Selina, as he rushed back over to her and took her in his arms again. "We'll work on the sense of humor later. Baby steps, Bats. Baby steps."