"It's kinda odd you suggested a work lunch for Valentine's Day, Vale," commented Jack Ryder. "I would have assumed you had a hot date."
"Well, you accepted, so you clearly don't have a hot date either," retorted Vicki Vale. "And you always seem to somehow stumble onto great stories, so hanging out with you isn't the worst idea I've ever had. With any luck, some of your serendipity will rub off on me if I'm around you, and I could really use a scoop today."
"It's called having a nose for news, and it's a skill that's essential to being a great reporter," said Ryder, smugly. "I'm not surprised that you don't have it."
"Just for that, you're paying for this work lunch," retorted Vicki, as they strode into Dini Towers together.
"May I help you?" asked the server, who had resumed not looking at customers.
"Vicki Vale and Jack Ryder, table for two for lunch," said Vicki.
"Of course, Miss Vale – our finest table is waiting," said the server. "Please follow me."
"Boy, it's packed in here today," commented Ryder, looking around. "I guess that makes sense on Valentine's Day – dinner reservations are hard to come by, so everyone does lunch instead."
"Yeah, the downside is that by being out at this work lunch, I have to suffer looking at all the happy couples today," agreed Vicki, as they sat down and the server handed them two menus.
"You got that right," agreed Ryder. "Literally everyone is paired up…"
He trailed off as his eye fell on the lone single diner in the place. "Is that…the Joker?" he stammered.
"Where?" demanded Vicki, her eyes desperately searching for a scoop.
"Over there," said Ryder, pointing. "Sitting on his own."
"The Joker on his own on Valentine's Day?!" exclaimed Vicki, in a high-pitched, excited tone. "Oh God, Ryder, I knew forcing myself to hang out with you would pay off! C'mon!" she said, leaping to her feet and hurrying over to the table where the Joker sat, pouring himself another glass of champagne as he got increasingly more annoyed at his wait.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Joker – happy Valentine's Day," said Vicki.
"Miss Vale, what a pleasure," he said, smiling up at her through gritted teeth. "And…Jack Ryder. Wow, what a coincidence that the two biggest reporters and gossips in Gotham City would show up here."
"Yeah, crazy coincidence," agreed Ryder, nodding.
"Is it?" asked Joker, fixing his eyes on him. "Or isn't it? It couldn't be you, could it? Or maybe your alter ego?"
"Couldn't be…what?" asked Ryder, slowly.
"Have you seen Harley recently?" asked Joker.
"No," said Ryder, hastily. "No, no, no, I assure you, I haven't, and nor has anyone associated with me."
"You sound a little too eager to confirm that," said Joker, quietly. "I can't imagine Harley asking for help from a man who sexually harasses her, but maybe she was desperate."
"You sexually harassed Harley Quinn?" asked Vicki, turning to Ryder in surprise, the joy and excitement evident in her voice at this potential bombshell and ruination of a rival's career.
"No, I didn't," retorted Ryder. "I categorically deny that, and there's absolutely no evidence for it."
"Don't need evidence anymore for that kinda allegation, Jack," retorted Joker, downing his glass of champagne. "But hey, I ain't out to end your career today as long as you do a favor for me. Just give me the damn clue already."
"What clue?" asked Ryder.
"The clue for the scavenger hunt Harley's set up for me," snapped Joker.
"I don't know anything about a scavenger hunt," said Ryder. "I haven't seen Harley since last Valentine's Day when you and she came over to my place and made me retract my story about you having an affair under pain of death."
"We made you retract it because it wasn't true!" snapped Joker. "You people are still supposed to be impartial seekers of the truth, you know! But I guess that's asking too much from journalists these days!"
"Mr. Joker, can you tell me more about this alleged sexual harassment on Ryder's part?" asked Vicki. "That certainly sounds like something the public needs to know about, for its own good."
"No, it doesn't!" snapped Ryder. "And I won't let you smear me with false allegations! Come on, Vale…"
"You ain't going anywhere until you give me that clue!" snapped Joker, grabbing him. "You think I don't mean what I say? I'll expose your little secret to this fine, upstanding reporter right now, so just play ball, Ryder!"
"I'm telling you the truth – I don't know what clue you're talking about!" shouted Ryder.
"Fine – then here goes. Jack Ryder is actually the Creeper," said Joker, turning to Vicki. "Which is an unhinged personality that takes over him sometimes, and when it does, he can't keep his hands off my dame, even though she's made her disgust of him very clear! I bet you, like everyone else, thinks that Harley deserves someone better than me, someone who's clearly nuts about her and wants to be all over her all the time, someone like you, huh?" he demanded, rounding on Ryder. "Well, too bad, pal, because she's mine!"
"Where is she today then?" demanded Ryder. "Shouldn't she be here with you on Valentine's Day if she's so happy and in love with you? I think this whole scavenger hunt thing is some big prank she's set up to make you appear foolish, and it's definitely working! Harley's a lot smarter than you give her credit for, and she's finally figured out how poisonous you are to her! I bet she's run off somewhere with a new lover, and they're laughing at the great practical joke they played on you, leaving the Joker to be pathetically stood up in public on Valentine's Day! That's a great gag if I ever heard one!"
"Well, you ain't ever heard one, because you ain't got a sense of humor!" shouted Joker. "Not you or your little sexual predator personality! Haven't you learned anything from your unwanted advances on my doll?! She ain't interested in any other guys but me!"
"Just because she's not interested in the Creeper doesn't mean she's not interested in any other guys," retorted Ryder. "How egotistical must you be to think you're the only person your girlfriend could ever find sexually attractive?"
"It's not ego – I know Harley!" shouted Joker. "She loves me, and she's not interested in anyone who's not me! She's told me that a million times!"
"First rule of journalism, Joker – don't trust anyone because everyone lies!" snapped Ryder. "People lie all the time so they can twist the truth to their own advantage! You of all people should know that!"
"I know journalists sure lie all the time!" snapped Joker. "You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you in the ass, Ryder – you're fake news! Put the phone away, Vale!" he shouted, rounding on Vicki, who had been filming the whole thing, and shoving his hand over the screen. "You people are always so obsessed with the next news story - you need to stop and smell the flowers once in a while!" he shouted, spraying his acid flower at both of them. Fortunately for them, he had been drinking champagne since before noon, and his aim was affected by the alcohol. The acid landed wide of the mark, and Ryder and Vicki raced out of the restaurant before his aim could improve.
"You're not really going to publish that allegation against me, are you, Vale?" demanded Ryder, when they were safely outside.
"Well, c'mon, Ryder, it's quite the scoop, isn't it?" asked Vicki. "You can't just expect me to sit on a bombshell like that, can you? You certainly wouldn't if it was a negative allegation against me."
Ryder sighed. "What do I have to do for you in order to keep this under wraps?"
"Well, now you're talking my language," said Vicki, beaming. "Probably quite a few things – quite a few of your stories you're going to give me credit for over the next few years, for instance. This Joker being stood up on Valentine's Day story, for one, and several hundred others, until I think we're square. That's a fair deal, don't you think?"
"Yeah, fair," sighed Ryder, resignedly.
Vicki smiled, and linked arms with him. "Ryder, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."