"…and then she told me nobody would ever love me in front of the whole school, who all pointed and laughed at me," finished Crane. "And considering I've just recounted all of them to you, in hindsight, that was probably the worst Valentine's Day I ever had."
"Poor Johnny!" exclaimed Harley, who had been listening intently as she lounged on top of the hyenas. "She sounds like a total bitch!"
"Yes, I suppose she was," he agreed. "I suppose it's my fault for asking out someone like that in the first place."
"Oh God, no, it ain't your fault!" exclaimed Harley. "I don't think you can ever be blamed for taking a chance on love. It's hard to do, and as long as you're being respectful, nobody should ever make you feel bad about taking that chance."
"Well, feelings are very difficult to control, as you well know," replied Crane.
"Yeah, I do," agreed Harley, nodding. "Still, there's no excuse for rudeness. All right, my turn. My worst Valentine's Day was when I was in first grade. You know now they make sure all the kids get valentines in elementary school, but I didn't get a single one that year. I had glasses and buck teeth and looked kinda geeky, and kids can be really cruel when you don't fit in. Anyway, I had this kiddie crush on this guy, Andy Parker, I'll never forget his name. So even though nobody gave me a card, I gave him one. He was counting out all the cards he got on his desk, and when he came to mine, he spit on it, then scrunched it up and threw it back at me. Needless to say, my crush died that day."
"I can't imagine anyone ever rejecting a valentine from you, Harley," said Crane.
"Well, imagine it, because it happened," said Harley. "We all have bad experiences growing up that shape who we are. Maybe not as traumatic as yours, but even people who we think are really successful probably went through a lot of pain to get there. I know Mr. J did, because of his accident, and Harvey did, because of his, and so did Red, and she's completely irresistible to men now, which just goes to show you."
"I actually would have assumed that Mr. Parker's casual dismissal of your feelings would have only made them stronger," retorted Crane, dryly. "It certainly seems to with the Joker."
"Yeah, but that's different," said Harley. "Mr. J ain't a schoolgirl crush – he's my soulmate, and my one true love. And sure, he can be a little insensitive sometimes, but when you love someone, you put up with the good and the bad. Don't you?"
"Yes, I suppose you do," sighed Crane.
"Anyway, Mr. J ain't never been petty enough to throw a valentine at me," continued Harley. "He throws knives or acid, that kinda thing. And he does do a lotta sweet things for me too. He just doesn't like showing affection in front of other people – thinks it makes him look weak. And frankly, among the thugs and ruffians of our world, it kinda does. If anyone ever wanted to destroy me, all they'd have to do is take away Mr. J. He can't let the same perception hold true for him."
"I suppose that does make sense, from a psychological standpoint," agreed Crane, reluctantly.
"Well, who do you think suggested it?" asked Harley with a wry smile. "Dr. Harleen Quinzel, psychiatrist extraordinaire. You of all people know I'm smarter than I pretend, Johnny. So trust me that the things I say are important to me are really important. I got as much control over my life as anyone, because as Mr. J says, nobody can really control anything about their life. If you want proof, just look around us," she added, gesturing to the plant. "I respect Mr. J enough to respect who he is, and he does the same for me. Most of the time," she added with a grin. "And I do enjoy manipulating him occasionally as long as he doesn't figure out that's what it is – I love a challenge, and our relationship is definitely that."
"As long as you're happy, Harley," sighed Crane. "I suppose that's all anyone can hope for."
"Well, I ain't happy trapped in here," said Harley, straightening up from lying on the hyenas, and stretching. "How long does it take to pick up something from the Batcave? It can't be that far. They ain't back yet, are they, Jervis?" she shouted outside.
"Not yet!" called back Tetch. "I'd try to call them, but as we've established, I don't have a phone, and Chloe is insisting she needs to be on hers."
"They've ditched us," voiced Chloe. "You should have gone with Batman to make sure that didn't happen, but it's too late now."
"Oh my God, I completely forgot about Chloe!" exclaimed Harley, slapping a hand to her forehead. "Geez, it's bad enough me missing out on Valentine's Day with Mr. J, but you're suffering just as much missing out on your time with her!"
Crane sighed. "To be honest with you, Harley, I couldn't care less about Chloe," he said. "I'd much rather spend today with you. Somebody I've…loved for a very long time."
Harley beamed at him. "Aw, that's sweet," she said, taking his hand. "I love you too, Johnny. You're one of the best friends I've ever had. I know people in friendships don't like to say 'I love you' because of its romantic connotations and all, but I think friends should definitely say it more often. It's a different kind of love, sure, but it's no less important to the people who feel it. I think everyone should be less squeamish about saying it."
"Yes," agreed Crane. "Perhaps I don't say it as often as I feel it, and maybe I should…"
"Well, I can't blame you after those disastrous Valentines Day experiences," said Harley, shrugging. "I'm surprised you have the courage to say it to me in case another woman rejects you. This world would be a better place if people would just be kinder."
"Well, I probably wouldn't be who I am if they were," said Crane, with a wry smile. "So yes, a better place."
"You're funny, Johnny," said Harley, smiling at him. "You know, even if you ain't encouraged by things with Chloe, I'm sure there's a perfect gal for you out there somewhere. You're a real catch, you know, I mean that. Smart and sensitive and funny – women love all that."
"Not in my experience," retorted Crane. "But thank you, Harley. That means a lot."
"I'm just being honest," said Harley. "Honesty is important between friends."
"Yes…it is," agreed Crane, slowly. Maybe the fact that he had been trapped in a plant all day had driven him crazy, because he suddenly cleared his throat. "And in the spirit of honesty, I need to tell you…"
He trailed off. "Yeah?" asked Harley, gazing at him.
"I need to tell you…that when I said I've loved you for a long time, I didn't mean…"
He trailed off again, losing his nerve. "You didn't mean what?" pressed Harley. "You didn't mean it?"
"No, no, no, I did mean it," he said, hastily. "But I didn't mean I loved you…as a friend. I meant…"
"We're back!" shouted Selina from outside suddenly.
"What on earth happened to you?" demanded Tetch. "You two look terrible, all disheveled and hastily dressed."
"We got in a fight," lied Batman. "With…thugs. It was a long and intense fight. With a lot of pounding."
"Well done, Bats, you're getting better," said Selina, smiling at him. "Harley, Johnny, you guys get over to the far side of the plant!" she called. "Batman's made a bomb he's going to try out!"
"Aw, geez, that's a terrible idea!" exclaimed Harley, as she pulled the hyenas to the far side of the plant. "If this thing blows up, these thorns are gonna shoot everywhere!"
"So keep your head down!" snapped Batman. "I'm lighting it now!"
"This definitely isn't safe," commented Crane, as he crouched down next to Harley. "That idiot Bat is going to get us both killed, and this isn't how I wanted my life to end."
"Really? It's kinda how I've always wanted mine to end," said Harley. "Surrounded by the ones I love, and who love me," she said, cuddling the hyenas. "Right?" she added, holding her hand out to Crane and smiling at him.
He smiled back. "Right," he said, taking her hand and shielding her body with his own as the bomb exploded.
The blast did indeed shoot hundreds of thorns in all directions, but it also blew a hole in the shell large enough for someone to fit through. The hyenas wasted no time in leaping out of the gap to freedom.
"Harley? Johnny? Are you ok?" called Selina.
"Fine!" coughed Crane through the smoke. "I think the thorns missed impaling us for the most part!"
"But not our clothes," muttered Harley, as she climbed out of the plant. Her outfit was ripped and torn in several places, and the same held true for Crane as he climbed out after her. "Thank God I didn't dress in anything fancy to go to the grocery store," she commented. "I can just toss these old rags."
"I, on the other hand, decided to wear suede out today," said Crane, brushing stray thorns off his jacket. "Which, to be fair, was already ruined by being inside the plant – there's sap in there, or something sticky anyway."
"Right, your clothes were totally ruined by the thorns and sap," said Chloe, who hadn't removed her eyes from her phone to watch the explosion. "And not because you were bored and stuck in there with nothing better to do."
"I'm not sure what you're implying," said Crane, glaring at her.
"Oh, come on," said Chloe, rolling her eyes. "You're two heterosexual people stuck in a small space for hours on end on Valentine's Day. Obviously you two got it on."
"Excuse me?" demanded Harley, her eyes flashing. "You think I would cheat on Mr. J?"
"I don't see why you wouldn't," said Chloe, shrugging. "He doesn't have to know about it, so where's the harm? I would cheat if the opportunity presented itself like being stuck in a small space all day with a man. I mean, maybe not with this guy since he's not at all attractive, but depending on how bored I was, it wouldn't have to be about attraction – it would just pass the time. Especially if I didn't have a phone – you gotta distract yourself somehow. People are disposable commodities, and not worth anything more than their bodies, everyone knows that. You might as well just use them to bring yourself pleasure, as you would any other commodity."
"That's a really horrible view on human relationships," retorted Harley. "And I don't think it's true. I was just saying to Johnny how important love is to any relationship, and my whole life is based around my mad love for Mr. J. If you think in a million years that I would cheat on him just because I was bored and it would give me something to do, then you don't know me at all."
"I can't help that you're an idiot," retorted Chloe, shrugging. "Limiting yourself to a narrow view of relationships, when sex really isn't any more of a big deal than going out for a meal, or going to the gym. It's a workout you're getting with another person – it's only centuries of oppression that have imbued it with this magical, mystical meaning, and enlightened people realize that. In today's modern society, the individual is the only thing that matters. You might as well have all the gratification you can get without being held back by ancient delusions about love and romance and monogamy. You should emancipate yourself from them."
"Emancipate this!" shouted Harley, punching her across the face.
"Harley, stop it!" shouted Batman, trying to hold her back, but she got a hand free and put two fingers to her lips, whistling for the hyenas.
"You're right – you're just a body my babies are gonna use for food!" shouted Harley, as the hyenas leapt on Chloe and began mauling her. "That's fair, right, since people should be used as commodities?! How do you like being hyena chow?!"
"Selina, take care of Harley!" snapped Batman, shoving Harley at her while he attempted to pull the hyenas away from Chloe, who was screaming at the top of her lungs.
"Really sorry about your date, Johnny, but you can do better than someone who thinks like that," said Harley.
"Indeed I can," agreed Crane. "Although Edward might be disappointed when he finds out what happened to her."
"These dangerous animals are being locked up now!" snapped Batman, as he managed to rip the hyenas away at last. "And I need to get her to a hospital…"
"I wouldn't bother, Bats - plenty of other commodities out there, right?" asked Harley, casually. "Honestly, people today just don't understand romance. Now I gotta go find Mr. J before I miss even more of today…"
"You're not going anywhere, Harley, except back to Arkham," interrupted Batman, as he struggled with the hyenas. He attempted to secure them to a park bench, but they ripped off the metal slat he had tied them to, so he looked around for something stronger while the hyenas tugged the slat between them like a stick. "I'm bringing Joker in too as soon as I find out where he is, so you two might get to spend Valentine's Day together after all."
"Bats, I promise, I ain't committing no more violence today," pleaded Harley. "I just wanna spend a special day with my puddin'. So just be a pal and let me go to him. Wherever he is…"
"He said he was going to Dini Towers when we ran into him earlier," said Tetch. "You might try there."
"She's not trying anywhere – she's going back to Arkham!" snapped Batman, who had managed to tie the hyenas' leashes to a lamp post. They struggled to free themselves – the one who had won the tug of war held the metal slat out to Crane, whining pitifully with pleading eyes. "Now come on…"
Batman had reached for Harley when something suddenly slammed into the back of his skull, knocking him to the ground. "That's for leaving us trapped in a plant for hours," muttered Crane, as he lowered the slat, which had just collided with Batman's head.
Selina immediately rushed over to see to Batman, shouting at Scarecrow, who smiled at Harley, "Happy Valentine's Day, Harley," he said.
Harley beamed at him. "My hero!" she exclaimed, embracing him and planting a kiss on his lips. "Happy Valentine's Day, Johnny! C'mon, babies!" she cried, grabbing the hyenas' leashes and skating off.
"Well, I hope that was worth it," commented Tetch. "Batman's going to show you no mercy when he comes to, and Selina's going to be even less merciful judging by her concern for Batman. His greatest enemy, my eye."
"That was worth everything," sighed Crane, dreamily, as he stared after Harley. "Best Valentine's Day ever."