Harley arrived at Dini Towers to the chaos of panicked people fleeing the place in vast numbers, which only confirmed the fact that the Joker was inside. Her skates and the hyenas required her to take the elevator, and the doors opened to reveal the restaurant in complete pandemonium.
There were fires burning on the tablecloths and floor where candles had been knocked over – bodies lay where they had fallen, or in chairs with their faces melted off. Some people had been impaled on musical instruments, there was nobody left in the room who wasn't dead or dying, and in the middle of it all sat the Joker alone at his table strewn with mutilated rose petals, sipping a glass of champagne and covered in blood.
"Puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, as the hyenas raced out of her grip and over to feast on the bodies.
"There you are!" hissed Joker, standing up suddenly. He was swaying unsteadily on his feet, and his body was shaking in a mixture of rage and intoxication – he had clearly had a lot of champagne, as his speech was slurring, and his voice kept fluctuating in pitch and tone. "How dare you show your face here, you little idiot?! What do you have to say for keeping me waiting all day, huh?!"
"I'm…sorry, puddin'!" gasped Harley. "So sorry…I got trapped in a plant…"
"Do you have any idea what I've been through today?" interrupted Joker. "No, of course not, it's all about you, as usual! Oooh, you were trapped in a plant! Well, I was trapped here for hours and hours thinking you or somebody sent by you was gonna show up! But did you show up? No! Nobody showed up! Except for everybody in Gotham – Rogues, the press, general citizens, seeing me, the Joker, alone on Valentine's Day! On his own, sucking down champagne because his girlfriend stood him up! Do you have any idea how pathetic that made me look?! Do you?!"
"I'm…I'm sorry, puddin'!" stammered Harley, tears in her eyes. "I didn't mean…"
"It'll be in all the papers tomorrow," continued Joker, ignoring her. "The Joker, the loser of Gotham City, abandoned by his girlfriend on Valentine's Day! His supposedly loyal and loving girlfriend, supposedly obsessed with him, supposedly madly in love, but that's all a lie! And why shouldn't it be?! Oh God, everyone says it, Pammie and Baby and Ryder and everyone – I'm a horrible boyfriend who doesn't deserve a girlfriend, especially not someone like you! That's what they all say, and that's what they all think, as they see me on my own here. They think 'Good for her – she's wised up at last, and left the pathetic clown on his own, just like he deserves!' They're all thinking that, look at 'em!" he shouted, gesturing around at the dead bodies and sloshing his champagne glass.
"Puddin'…" began Harley.
"I was called a worse boyfriend than Croc earlier!" he shouted. "Croc! You don't have any idea what that's like, so don't pretend you do! Well, lemme tell you, I ain't the one who stood you up, so who's the terrible other half now, huh? Is that what this is – a little payback for the way I've treated you? You want me to see how it feels to be the sucker in this relationship for once, is that right?"
"No, puddin', I…" began Harley again.
"You wanted me to have a taste of my own medicine, didn't you?" continued Joker. "That was your big plan for today! Well, mission accomplished, toots! But lemme tell you, nobody makes a fool outta the Joker, especially not some dumb little blonde whose mind I broke for my own amusement! How dare you ignore me on Valentine's Day, the most important day of the year for you?! Not for me, though – it don't mean crap to me," he added, downing the champagne glass. "Never has and never will. Because love is for suckers, and I'll never be the kinda sucker who loves anyone! You think I do, don't you? But you're wrong! This is a stupid holiday which means absolutely nothing to me, just like you mean absolutely nothing to me! And I clearly don't mean anything to you, after you stood me up! You've shown me just how little you actually care about today, and just how little you actually care about me! Well, lesson learned, Dr. Quinzel!" he said, smashing the empty glass on the floor. "Now c'mere!"
Harley approached him, trembling violently at the look in his eyes and preparing for pain. She was stunned when he suddenly seized her around the waist, shoving his mouth into hers.
"Great gag, baby," he whispered, when he drew away at last. "Perfect punchline. Showing me you don't care about this Valentine's Day crap any more than I do, showing me it's so meaningless to you that you can't even be bothered to turn up! I never saw it coming! Oh, you know just how to drive me crazy, you worthless little brat!" he gasped, mauling her mouth again. "And you don't know how much I've wanted to punish you for that!"
"Oh…puddin'!" gasped Harley, delighted, as he shoved her down on the table and climbed on top of her. "Oh, puddin', yes! Yes! Oh God, yes! Punish me hard, Daddy! I've been such a bad girl!"
"Now that's my kinda Valentine's Day, pooh," announced Joker, as he reached for a cigarette after the fires had all burned out. "Who could ask for anything more than rough sex and random violence?"
"Not me!" sighed Harley, happily, as she cuddled into his arms. "I couldn't have planned it any better, and I'm glad I didn't try."
"Really? You didn't plan this?" asked Joker, surprised. "Then why leave me a clue about the scavenger hunt?"
"What clue about the scavenger hunt?" asked Harley, puzzled. "I didn't plan a scavenger hunt."
"Well, I know that now," retorted Joker. "But some guy from here called the hideout reminding us not to be late for our reservation – I assumed that meant you had set up a surprise for me here."
"Why would you assume that?" asked Harley.
"Because you're a shrink, and you're always trying to pull some cheap psychological trick or subtle manipulation on me," retorted Joker. "And you're always reading too much into completely innocent things, and interpreting straightforward things as having double meanings, so why shouldn't I do the same?"
"Because you ain't a shrink, puddin'," retorted Harley. "You don't have the skills to analyze what's true and what's not."
"Oh, and you do, Dr. Quinzel?" demanded Joker. "Remind me again who fell for my scam about me being a tortured soul crying out for love and acceptance, and a lost, injured child trying to make the world laugh at his antics?"
"I never really fell for it, puddin', but I definitely couldn't put in my notes that you were perfect just the way you are and that I loved everything about you, could I?" retorted Harley. "You know I've never tried to change you, or see you as anything more than what you are."
"Right, I totally didn't manipulate you to break me out of Arkham," sighed Joker, sarcastically. "You believe what you want, of course, but you're delusional, toots."
"And you're delusional if you think an idiot woulda fallen for your abusive dad, absent mom sob story," retorted Harley. "And I ain't an idiot. I still chose to help you bust outta Arkham, even though I knew you were lying. Because I love you."
"Well, I definitely tricked you into falling in love with me, so I still win," retorted Joker, as he reached for his clothes. "Now let's get outta here – I've spent enough time in this dump to last me a lifetime."
"Okie dokie!" said Harley, grabbing her clothes and picking up the hyenas' leashes, who had settled down for a nap after a very full meal. Joker took one of the leashes from her, and then took her hand, kissing her cheek. "And I tricked you into falling in love with me too," Harley murmured to herself, smiling at him as they walked out of the restaurant hand in hand. "So I win."