"This is Vicki Vale on Gotham Insider with our top story: it was an unusual Valentine's Day for one notorious Gotham City resident – this reporter was lucky enough to spot the Joker sitting alone in Dini Towers, with his girlfriend Harley Quinn nowhere to be seen. While to all appearances it seemed as if the Clown Prince of Crime had been jilted, sources inform me that the Clown Couple were spotted leaving the restaurant together many hours later, hand in hand, so we can only assume a happy reunion has since occurred."
"That's our top story, is it, Vicki?" asked her co-anchor, Jack Ryder.
"Yes, it is, Jack," Vicki replied.
"Nothing else going on in the world but celebrity gossip, huh?" continued Ryder.
"You can't argue with viewing figures, Jack," retorted Vicki. "In related news, a number of people were killed when the Joker attacked the restaurant during his time there – those casualties have yet to be identified by their dental records as their faces were melted off, and many were chewed upon by what appear to have been hyenas."
"That seems more important than celebrity gossip to me, Vicki," commented Ryder.
"Speaking of celebrity gossip, I do have some of my own involving my co-anchor," said Vicki, smiling at the camera.
"No, you don't," said Ryder, hastily. "Swiftly moving on, Batman appears to have spent his Valentine's Day rescuing people from plant pods, no doubt set up by Poison Ivy. The villainous vixen of vines hasn't been seen in Gotham to take credit for the traps yet, so I do stress this is an unconfirmed plant attack, but really who else could it be?"
"I agree there's no need for due process in cases like this, Jack," said Vicki. "And speaking of no need for due process…"
"That's all for now – see you at six!" exclaimed Ryder, as the camera abruptly switched off.
"I wonder when Ivy will be back," commented Jervis Tetch, who was watching the news on the TV in the Arkham Rec Room. "She surely won't stay away for long when Batman is blowing up her plants. I imagine you'll have some harsh words for her when she returns."
"Oh, I think I can forgive her," said Crane, whose smile hadn't left his face since the previous day. "I think I can forgive anyone absolutely anything, even Batman for beating me senseless. Nobody can take Harley's kiss away from me, so I don't care what anyone does."
"Yes, you have been uncharacteristically cheerful since yesterday," said Tetch. "And I do thank you for concentrating Batman's rage so effectively upon yourself that he barely left me with a scratch."
"You're welcome," said Crane, adjusting his broken arm. "And I didn't even feel his beating – I was on cloud nine, and still am," he sighed. "From now on, I will remember Valentine's Day as the most wonderful day of the year, and the best holiday."
"Better than Halloween?" asked Tetch, aghast. "Surely not!"
Crane opened his mouth to respond when a familiar figure burst into the Rec Room in a cloud of fury. "You!" shouted Edward Nygma, throwing a finger at Crane. "What did you do to Chloe?!"
"Nothing personally," retorted Crane. "But she deserved everything that happened to her. Did she not survive the hyena mauling?"
"No, she did not!" shouted Nygma. "And now you and those mangy mutts have deprived me of the only woman who could ever love me!"
"Edward, I do hate to contradict you, but she was just using you," said Tetch. "She admitted as much to us completely voluntarily. She said she was hoping to trick you into marriage so that she could inherit your body when you died, and then she could put it on display as some kind of morbid exhibition."
Nygma stared at him. "She wanted to marry me?!" he demanded. "And then you murdered her?! Ok, well, now it's personal!"
"Didn't you just hear what he said?" demanded Crane. "First off, I didn't murder her, the hyenas did. And second off, she wanted you for your body after death, and that's it!"
"At least she wanted me for something!" snapped Nygma. "That's better than nothing, which, incidentally, is your situation with every woman ever!"
"I was kissed by a beautiful woman yesterday," snapped Crane. "A beautiful, grateful woman who called me her hero after I beat Batman into releasing her hyenas."
"Harley kissed you?" demanded Nygma. "Does Joker know?"
"No, and you are not going to tell him," retorted Crane.
"Well, I think it's only fair after you cost my girlfriend her life!" snapped Nygma. "Maybe he'll take your life out of jealousy!"
"Edward, you will not say a word!" snapped Crane.
"And how are you gonna stop me?" demanded Nygma.
"Well, for one thing, Joker's not here," retorted Crane. "And you are. I don't know how you're going to get a message from Arkham to the outside world…"
He trailed off as the door to the Rec Room opened and Joker and Harley strode in. "Hey gang," said Joker, taking a seat on the sofa. "How's tricks?"
"What…are you two doing here?" asked Crane, slowly.
"Well, we had a perfect, romantic Valentine's Day together yesterday," sighed Harley, settling herself on Joker's lap. "And today after Mr. J stopped continuously vomiting from his hangover, which took all morning, he says he's in the mood for some highly illegal hijinks, and who am I to refuse my puddin'? Especially after he had such a rough time yesterday when he thought he was stood up and had to deal with all those idiots presuming things about him and our relationship."
"Was one of those things that his girlfriend was kissing other men?" asked Nygma. "Because I've got news for him…"
"You surely can't believe a word that Edward says," interrupted Tetch. "He's furious about Chloe's death, and is willing to say anything to get revenge on her murderers."
"The babies are not murderers!" snapped Harley. "They were just hungry! Anyway, she deserved it for implying I would ever cheat on Mr. J!"
"Is kissing another man not cheating on him?" demanded Nygma. "Because Jonathan just bragged that she kissed him!"
Joker laughed. "Right, I totally believe Harley did that," he said, sarcastically. "Geez, Eddie, you sure must be desperate to make up an unbelievable lie like that! Harley's not blind, so she definitely wouldn't kiss that ugly freak."
"There, you see?" asked Crane, both insulted and relieved. "What did I tell you?"
"I did kiss Johnny though, puddin'," voiced Harley. "But it wasn't like a romantic thing – he had just knocked Bats out so I could escape with the babies. So I called him my hero and pecked him on the lips."
Crane's heart plummeted as Joker just looked at her. "You did…what?" he demanded.
"Oh my God, are you actually jealous?" demanded Harley. "It was just a sweet, innocent little kiss of gratitude – he deserved it after all the horrible Valentine's Days he's had, which he told me all about when we were trapped in the plant together."
"You were trapped in the plant together?" repeated Joker. "So Selina wasn't lying when she said you were spending Valentine's Day in an intimate setting with Scarecrow!"
"Yes, but it was all completely innocent, I assure you…" began Crane.
"How would you like it if I went around kissing other dames outta gratitude?" demanded Joker, glaring at Harley.
"You wouldn't – you ain't an affectionate person at the best of times," retorted Harley.
"Maybe not, but we've gotta even this out somehow," said Joker. He thought for a moment. "What if I kissed Johnny too?" he asked.
"Be my guest," said Harley, shrugging.
"No, that's all right," said Crane, hastily standing up and backing away. "It's not at all necessary…"
"I think it is," said Joker. "Or I'll be jealous forever. Now don't be such a baby – it'll just be a little peck on the lips, no tongue or anything…"
"Which is too bad, because Mr. J is a great kisser," commented Harley. "And he can use his tongue like nobody's business."
"You just stay away from me!" snapped Crane, as Joker approached him.
"Look, I know you're scared you'll enjoy it, but just let me kiss you!" snapped Joker, trying to grab him.
At that moment, a giant plant burst through the wall of the Rec Room, with a very angry woman riding it. "What the hell is going on here?" she asked, noticing Joker trying to embrace Crane.
"It's a long story, Red," sighed Harley. "Glad you're back though – how was Brazil?"
"Brazil was great," retorted Poison Ivy. "But unfortunately I had to cut my vacation short and hurry back because somebody went around blowing up my babies for Valentine's Day!"
"Yeah, it was Batman," said Harley. "But he kinda had no choice – Johnny and me got trapped in one of your plants, and there was no other way out. I tried talking to 'em and everything, but they didn't listen to me."
"That doesn't give you the right to go around murdering things!" snapped Ivy.
"Well, you might have accidentally murdered us by keeping us trapped in there," reasoned Harley. "The babies were trapped in there too, and if they had to stay in there without food, they probably would have tried to eat Johnny. But only as a last resort, and it wouldn't have been anything personal," she reassured him.
"The life of one worthless human is nothing compared to the hundreds of my babies!" snapped Ivy. "And anyway, I told you to stay away from the rose bushes!"
"Yeah, but you didn't tell Johnny," said Harley. "And he was trying to pull the babies away from Selina's cat when they fell into the roses…"
"So it was a self-inflicted situation," finished Ivy, nodding. "Which could have been avoided by a certain worthless human being minding his own business. So I do blame Johnny for Batman blowing up my babies, and after I'm through with Batman, I'm coming after him."
"You can't be serious – it wasn't my fault!" snapped Crane. "You might as well blame Harley, which I note you're not, because she's a woman, no doubt!"
"Are you accusing me of sexism?" demanded Ivy. "Because women can't be sexist!"
"You can't just change the meanings of words to suit yourself!" snapped Crane. "Sexism is discriminating against an entire sex, which you very clearly are!"
"No, just the members of that sex who murder my babies!" shouted Ivy.
"Woman, they are not your babies!" shouted Crane.
"Someone needs to cut the sexual tension between you two," commented Joker. Then he seized Crane and planted a kiss on his lips. "You can thank me later!" he chuckled, as Crane staggered back, dazed and horrified.
"Well, that's something I never wanted to see," commented Ivy. "And honestly, if J was ever gonna kiss any guy, I would have put money on it being Batman."
"Already done it!" chuckled Joker. "And I gotta say, Bats was a lot more satisfying. Well, look who I'm talking to, the gal who's poisoned kissed Batman so much he had to develop a special antidote for it."
"Well, I'm not kissing him now, but I am kicking his ass," announced Ivy, as her plant rumbled out of the room. "But I'll be back, and when I am, you're dead meat, Johnny!"
"Yes, and this isn't over between us!" snapped Nygma. "I will make you pay for killing Chloe!"
"That wasn't really his fault either," pointed out Tetch. "Why don't you go after Harley or Joker, who are the ones responsible for the hyenas? Is it because you're afraid of them?"
"No!" snapped Nygma. "No, it's not that at all! I just…think Jonathan's more responsible because of…perfectly valid reasons! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go plan my revenge in the privacy of my cell!"
"And I'm going to go be sick!" gasped Crane, racing out of the Rec Room covering his mouth.
"I'll go see if I can find some bleach," said Tetch, heading to the janitor's closet. "Not that I advocate ingesting it generally, but desperate times call for desperate measures."
He entered his friend's cell to see him scrubbing his mouth and spitting repeatedly.
"Oh God, I will never feel clean again!" Crane gasped, gargling mouthwash. "I suppose this is a sick joke for him – having to remember that where Harley's lips have been, his have also, and traumatizing me all over again by remembering that he kissed me! He's just the worst human being who ever lived!"
"Yes, I don't envy you, Jonathan," sighed Tetch. "But on the bright side, at least I know Halloween is still your favorite holiday now. And surely this can't still be the best Valentine's Day ever, after being threatened with death from multiple inmates, and being kissed by the Joker?"
Crane considered for a moment. "Sadly, it still is," he sighed, reaching for the bleach.
The End