CHAPTER 24
Three days later Emily was discharged from the hospital with a lengthy list of instructions. As she was wheeled out, she was relieved to finally be leaving however she could feel her anxiety grow about all of the next steps.
What she wanted to do more than anything right now was to go home, get on her comfortable pajamas and pour a glass of wine before curling up with a book or listening to music while she attempted to process everything that had happened in the last five days.
While she hadn't had anything like this happen before, at other times when she was feeling overwhelmed, she just needed time and space by herself. But since she had woken up in the hospital, she hadn't had more than a few minutes to herself. Other than getting upset when Spencer helped her with her lunch, she had for the most part been able to convince the team that she was doing well. Or at least thought she had.
She loved the team and was grateful for everything they had done for her and Aaron over the last few days but right now she just wanted to try to cope in a familiar way.
By the time they arrived at Dave's house, she was tired and in pain from the car ride. Once he gave her a brief tour of the house, she excused herself to lie down for a bit. With some effort, she was able to get comfortable on the bed; however, she found that she could not settle her mind.
It wasn't long until she felt tears falling down her cheek that were quickly followed by sobs. She didn't know how much time passed before she felt a hand on her hip. When she looked up she saw the worried face of her husband who she hadn't heard enter the room. He walked around to the other side of the bed, carefully laying down before slowly moving towards her.
When he grimaced when one of his sutures pulled, Emily cried out, "no don't. I'm fine. Don't hurt yourself more." before starting to cry harder.
Hotch continued to ease himself over on the bed until he was next to her. He moved his arm up and helped her settle her head on his chest and ran his hand carefully up and down her back while trying to avoid her left shoulder and arm. He remained quiet as he felt her tears begin to create a wet area on his shirt.
After several minutes, Hotch began to wonder if she had fallen asleep when he heard her quietly say, "I came in here because I just wanted to be alone. I know I can't but I want to go home and curl up with a glass of wine and a book."
"What's wrong?" Hotch asked, having tensed at the statement. Just about everything she just said worried him. She had been trying to cut herself off even from him for the last couple of days. She wanted to go back to that apartment when it had taken two tries to give her statement of what happened that night. And then there was the wine...
He was pulled out of his thoughts when she stated, "it's my fault that you got hurt."
Hotch's eyes widened as some of her recent behavior suddenly made sense. Moving so he could see her face he answered firmly, "What? Emily. No. It's not your fault. It's Foyet's fault. He is the one that attacked us. If there is anyone else to blame it is the super for giving him the key."
Emily took a few deep breaths before explaining, "but when I came up to the door, I heard you and Foyet arguing. I can't help wondering if I would have come in earlier you won't have been stabbed. I was a coward."
Hotch shook his head as he answered, "never. Emily I have known you for almost three years and a coward is not a word that I would ever use to describe you. You did the right thing. You stopped and called for help. If you would have rushed in we most likely would have been in a worse position because we wouldn't have had back up on the way. What if Foyet would have injured or killed both of us and escaped? He would still be out there hurting people. You calling Morgan and getting people on the way is what saved your life as the ambulance arrived less than five minutes after you were shot."
As he answered Hotch could feel his own anxiety rising. He remembered hearing both guns fire followed by Emily not answering him. He had been preparing to try to move over to her when Morgan and Dave entered the apartment not sure what he was going to find when he would have gotten to her. The what ifs about if she had not made that call kept circling around in his head.
"But I should have come in as soon as I let Morgan know what was going on?" Emily added.
Hotch sighed as he thought particularly given what happened, he would have preferred that she hadn't come in at all. He would have gladly have taken more stab wounds if it meant that she wouldn't have been hurt.
But he couldn't tell her that. She had come in to back him up and was paying a heavy price for the action. He wouldn't take anything away from that sacrifice by questioning if she should have. "Emily don't second guess yourself. We all saw in Boston what Foyet could do. You didn't underestimate him."
He had been worried about Foyet getting too close to her since they were heading to Boston weeks earlier. Even after the escape from police custody, Hotch hadn't expected for Foyet to ambush him in their home. Even in retrospect, it scared the crap out of him as they could have just as easily had Jack there as well.
Putting those thoughts aside, Hotch continued, "you know you aren't alone for your recovery. If you need some time to yourself, let me know but I'll always come back to you."
Emily nodded before answering, "yes. I wish we could go home…" She didn't want to go back to the apartment per se. Honestly even thinking about going back there freaked her out.
She wanted to go back to the place where they had spent the majority of their married life together. Back to the bubble they had lived in for almost six months. But the bubble had burst and that home no longer existed.
"...but neither of us feels safe there anymore. We will find a new home when we are both feeling better." Hotch answered before pausing. He then asked, "are you really OK with staying here? I'm sure Dave will understand if you want us to go somewhere where it is just us."
However Hotch was very sure Dave would not understand if they decide to go somewhere else at this point. The doctors had wanted them to stay with someone because of the nature of both of their injuries. It had been Dave's reassurance to Emily's doctors about them staying with him that had gotten her released from the hospital today instead of a couple of days from now as they had been proposing.
Emily shook her head as she answered, "no we can stay here. It's just that is how I generally work through everything when I'm feeling this way. I know it's not practical right now to be off by myself which is just making me more anxious."
Hotch sighed in relief that she was OK with staying as he said, "yes. This time we are both going to need to work on a different way. But we'll do it together."
"Yes together." Emily answered as she curled closer into his side.
As they laid there, Hotch knew there was one more topic he needed to bring up and hoped that it didn't upset her again but it needed to be addressed, "Emily I understand you are limited right now and I don't want to add more…"
Emily interrupted, "...I'm not going to have the wine Aaron. I want to but I don't want to add anymore risks for the baby. He or she has already made it through so much. It's not worth the potential risk."
Hotch nodded as that had been his mindset as well. With that off the table he decided to mention, "I do happen to know that when Dave went to the store he got chocolate ice cream for you. I'm sure he would make a milkshake for you if you'd like." It was one of her favorite treats though one she didn't indulge in often.
Emily chuckled before answering, "now that I will do. But not now. All of the sudden, I'm really tired."
Hotch leaned over and kissed her forehead as he said, "later then. Go to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."
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Hotch stayed and tried to relax as Emily slept. While he had picked up that she was upset the last couple days she was in the hospital, he didn't realize that she had been blaming herself for what happened to him.
He had battled with blaming himself as well, especially after he learned of Emily's prognosis as well as her struggling to come to terms with the news. Dave had noticed it the day he was discharged and had called him out.
Just like in Boston months ago, talking through his feelings of guilt with Dave had helped him. He was able to admit that Foyet was the one to blame for what happened to them. That he shouldn't have needed to worry about clearing his apartment when he got home that night or any night.
But even after talking to Dave, he was angry. The team had caught Foyet. Arrested him after Shaunessy's decision 10 years earlier had allowed him to remain free. But then he had escaped. Evaded being found until that night five days ago.
While Foyet was the one to ambush them, that didn't excuse the actions of the apartment building staff. There was a very shortlist of people who were supposed to have access to their apartment when Hotch and Emily weren't home. The name Foyet gave, Peter Rhea, wasn't on that list. It would have been somewhat more understandable if he had used Morgan's credentials which had been discovered on his body but that wasn't the name listed on the work log.
But that breach of trust of the building staff had him and Emily needing to move at a time when both of them were physically unable to do that type of work. It upset him more to learn that those actions were causing further distress to Emily when she was already dealing with so much.
Before he could get too worked out again, he felt Emily starting to rouse. He didn't want her to see him angry and misinterpret that it was directed towards her.
When her eyes fluttered open, she looked around before looking up at him giving him a shy smile before saying, "hey"
"How are you feeling?" Hotch asked.
Emily sighed before answering, "better. I'm sorry."
Hotch shook his head as he responded, "don't be. I'm glad you told me what was bothering you. Do you want to stay here or are you ready to get up?"
"I should get up." Emily answered as she tried to turn over in the bed to sit up. This was the first time she was attempting to get out of a non-hospital bed since her injury.
"OK, give me a minute and I'll give you a hand." Hotch moved back towards the side of the bed before slowly sitting up, ignoring the soreness in his core. After standing up, he walked over to the other side of the bed and put out his hands for Emily to grab onto and pull herself up.
Once she was standing, Hotch held her close in case the dizziness she had been experiencing came back. When she signaled that she was ok, they walked out of their temporary room. On their way towards the kitchen, they found Dave coming in from outside with his dog.
When he saw them, he asked, "how are you doing kiddo?" He had been with Hotch when they heard her crying earlier.
After Hotch had gone into check on her, Dave had sent the rest of the team home after Derek helped him move the recliner from his office into the sunroom.
He had noticed for the last couple of days that she had been curling in on herself. It wasn't clear to him if it was a specific issue or the entire situation. He had been hoping that she would talk to one of them when she was ready and if appearances were correct, she had talked with Hotch.
Emily nodded, answering, "OK. I took a nap."
Before Dave could answer, Hotch interjected, "I mentioned to Emily that you have some of her favorite chocolate ice cream."
Dave looked up and smiled as he said, "I do. Would you like it in a bowl or a milkshake?"
As part of her discharge instructions, the doctor and then a nutritionist had come in to talk to her and Hotch. Because they were staying with Dave and he stated he would be doing most of the cooking for the foreseeable future, he had been invited as well.
They reviewed the additional nutritional requirements for her pregnancy. It included an explanation that her body would support the pregnancy first and if her nutritional needs aren't being met, it was her body that would be shortchanged.
In her case, they went on to explain that particular fact was relevant because if she was short changing herself nutritionally, her body wouldn't have the building blocks needed to heal from her injuries. This would be to the detriment of her own recovery.
After getting a copy of the lists, Dave had gone through it choosing foods he knew Emily liked and made sure he had plenty of those choices in the house.
"A milkshake please." Emily answered.
Dave gestured for them to follow him to the kitchen. Once there he said, "why don't you two get comfortable at the table. Aaron, can I get you anything?"
Hotch shook his head before Dave walked into the kitchen and went to work while Hotch helped Emily get settled at the table.